Sunday, November 20, 2016

Van Helsing, Season 1, Episode 10: Stay Away

The gang is now wandering through the wilderness haunted by feral vampires and they’re running out of bullets and it’s all looking grim

Except Vanessa is still carving a great big hole through everything.

They’re sort-of-saved (not exactly saved since Vanessa can defeat entire armies) by people with bows and swords. Including super hot guy Theo with a katana.

They’re taken to their saviour’s home called Eden

Ok, Trope aware moment. If anyone EVER calls their camp “utopia” “eden” “paradise” or some other idealistic nonsense then you need to RUN. Because that person is either trying to cover something up, sell you something or actually believes their own hype. This is the realm of dictators and cultists. Run people, the vampires are better.

So there they meet cult leader Micah with a vaguely undefined accent to ensure us that he’s properly sinister. This little island of tranquillity is undisturbed because Micah has a deal with Magda, a vampire, not to slaughter every human there (despite apparently being one of only three vampires who the sexy guy with a katana could easily have killed and definitely could with Vanessa) so long as they give her twice monthly blood donations

I’m assuming that despite the post-apocalyptic low-techness of this world, someone’s managed to hook up some awesome refrigeration technology because there’s no way that blood would last for 2 weeks. The amount of blood they give her is also kind of ridiculously small considering how many people seem to be there: how did anyone think this was supposed to be the whole part of the deal?

Magda let’s Micah know that Vanessa is a scary scary person the vampires are interested in.

Which is kind of unnecessary because the super calm Micah apparently can offer amazing therapy and after one session Flesh becomes super chill and happy and resolved with his evil past and happily shares the whole gang’s secrets without the slightest reservation. Damn, that’s some good therapy. I mean, you’d think he’d need at least 2 sessions to open up a little.

Vanessa and Suzy are less convinced by the utopia especially since there’s a whole lot of heavily pregnant women but no kids. They suspect cultist Micah is impregnating all his followers – but instead he explains his noble purpose: they’re keeping a safe place for the women of the Resistance to have their babies so they can safely have the next generation that will continue the fight against the vampires

Looks like they’re definitely planning for the long time and now just for the sun to come back from behind the ash cloud. Speaking of, if this ash cloud is blocking out the sunlight and has been for years what has this done to the food supply? How obscured is the sun because it looks pretty bright this episode.

One of those women goes into labour and it turns out this safe haven for pregnant women to give babies has no obstetricians, midwives or anything. Damn there’s a flaw in this plan. Thankfully Doc is there to help

Now this could have been an excellent moment where we redeemed Doc. We would look at Doc and acknowledge that, yes, she’s a coward but she has other skills and talents that make her utterly essential and valuable. That doc is an incredibly valuable member of the team even if she isn’t a warrior. She is worth protecting even if she cannot add to any combat scenario.

Instead what we have is Doc explaining to Vanessa about how Axel died and Vanessa declaring that Doc is the worst and she never ever ever wants to see her again.

Well, that could have gone better

Vanessa also gets on very well with Hot Guy who is hot and really good with a sword. He also reveals his sensitive tragic past which makes him totally acceptable sex partner and she gets on with that.

We also have the amazingly huge coincidence – remember Mohammed ran into a woman called Emma? Well she brought them back to Eden where Sam runs into him after deciding to randomly follow someone, be locked up and then discover, coincidentally that Magda the vampire happens to be Micah’s ex-wife. Oh and Sam murders someone because… I’m not even sure why. Because he was locked in a cupboard after he went randomly snooping?

This whole storyline is pointless anyway because Vanessa and Hot Guy run into one of Micah’s minions with the new mother and her new baby. Turns out they’re being delivered to Magda as tasty baby tribute – which is pretty predictable. Vanessa and Hot Guy are definitely not into baby munching, rescue said baby and return back to Eden in time to denounce Micah and stop them executing Sam and Mohammed and Suzy because of Sam’s random murdering. Well Flesh stops him by stabbing in the neck because he lost all faith in his new messiah after one day of therapy

Someone needs to address Flesh and his dangerous overreaction to disappointment.

In the aftermath Flesh and Hot Guy decide to stay in the town to defend it and continue to build something good so long as they can find Magda and kill her before she calls in the rest of the vampires to kill them all.

Hot Guy gives Vanessa a katana because white people specifically and westerners in general have a really freaky fetish about katanas despite them being a generally shoddy sword for apocalypses. He was also a high school fencing in instructor which would have given him loads of skills completely not applicable to a katana. Also, how many high schools have fencing?

A katana? There's no way this isn't going to look like a pathetic knock off of Michonne.

The disturbed Doc continues her epic dehumanisation by catching up with Magda and begging to be made a vampire again. Only she doesn’t even get that because being bitten by Vanessa means you are now totally immune to vampirism. She’s a traitor to humanity and doesn’t even get to be a vampire again. Also Vanessa needs to be biting everyone which would be a whole new show, especially since Vanessa likes to bite people during sex.

With Mohammed back with the gang that is going… somewhere… for… reasons… the show has restored its necessary POC in the group. It’s not exactly a T-Dog chain, but it’s definitely T-Dog Chain adjacent. Now he needs to actually have a storyline and a whole lot more to try and make the hot mess of Sheema and Doc palatable.