The final episode of A
Discovery of Witches and I am immensely frustrated. Oh, British TV shows,
every part of my soul wants to say how inherently superior you are to American
shows - but no we have to have these teeny tiny seasons where absolutely
nothing gets space or time to be developed!
It’s something
American shows TEND to do better (I say “tend” because they also tend to have
marathon seasons of So. Much. Filler).
So we reach this last
episode with Juliette the disposable and pointless threatening Diana and
dramatically declaring she was created by Gerbert expressly to seduce Matthew
and Matthew just rejected her and so she’s just been his whipping girl and
servant and now is totally jealous of Diana.
And oh dear gods this
character. We will revisit this in the conclusion when I have had a drink and
can handle the level of cringe here. The cringe is high
Juliette decides to
stab Matthew after making him kiss Diana because, well, she’s not a character,
she’s a caricature of woman scorned. Matthew ends up bleeding and dying and
Diana pulls another magical power out of her back of Deus Ex tricks and shoots
Juliette with a bow made of fire. Bye Juliette.
Oh and that “fire was
the only element she doesn’t have” of course she has it?
She worries about
poor Matthew who is now dying and she prays and begs saying she’ll do anything
to get him back. Thankfully the goddess is all into that, warns her there’ll be
a price but Diana’s all ANYTHING FOR HIM and feeds him her blood and lets him
bite her.
Y’know if blood was
what he needed they had 2 other witches, 2 vampires and I’m sure a passing
bunny or something to help spread the load. Someone could even sponge up
Juliette.
She also throws up a
magic circle to stop anyone else interfering so he can drain her to death
Which of course he
doesn't do because that whole “craving” thing just means nothing and was kind
of thrown in the first couple of episodes for some Twilight-esque shout outs
but then never actually went anywhere. Diana does realise he does crave her and
has been resisting tearing out her spleen and sucking on it every minute
they’re together
She thinks this is
sweet and romantic
There’s something
badly wrong with this woman. She needs help. She needs an intervention.
Oh, hey, Diana just
totally had a convo with the goddess and she doesn’t talk about it or mention
it to anyone and it’s just no big thing. I’m just here, chilling with deity,
don’t mind me, certainly not worth mentioning! Maybe in like 3 seasons she’ll
mention in passing she has a hotline to deity whenever it’s narratively
convenient.
Thankfully Marcus is
a doctor so sets her up with a transfusion and she’s all good to go. Miriam
drools over her impressive witchy power and praises her death wish in letting
Matthew bite her when she didn’t know whether Matthew would stop drinking. Oh
Miriam, she plays with his blood lust for sport! You’re expecting her to do
things like an adult human capable of making good decisions.
They are worried that
if Juliette could find them that anyone can so there’s nowhere they can hide.
Guys, you’re staying with Diana’s aunts in the house where she grew up. Of
course Juliette found you. Peter Knoxx has literally visited this location and
seen Diana there. This does not count as hiding. You’ve probably still got the
geotags on your phones.
They decide their
only possible choice is to flee back in time - hey I knew her shiny power would
become relevant. This involves training. Ish. Hey they try but it’s more
derailed by “oh love Matthew solves everything”. To help the House just throws
them a poppet and an earring - the earring is one Ysabeu lost hundreds of years
ago that the house now has. Because it’s a Deus Ex House.
So they plan to flee
back in time somewhere where Diana can learn her magic. Which actually makes a
lot more sense and is a reasonable plan (even if resorting to time travel is a
little extreme) since Diana already has like ALL THE POWER so if she can use it
she can just Deus Ex everyone to death.
We then reach what I
think is by far the best part of the episode - the big happy household.
Nathanial and Sophie arrive with Hamish which means we now have 3 of each
Creature: 3 witches, 3 vampires and 3 demons. And we get them all having dinner
together and Miriam wants to do more testing on Diana and is there to help
Sophie, especially when her odd witch heritage is revealed. Marcus and
Nathaniel become really friendly and are kind of fun together and Emma and
Sarah rally round Sophie like surrogate mothers and it’s all really fun
They refer to it as a Shadow Congregation. And it works so well - when we see the Congregation with their threats and scheming and plotting and outright hatred and prejudice - and then we see this Congregation that is building friendships and actually likes each other
See, a Discovery of
Witches that had a lot more of this and a lot less of Diana’s terrible death
wish would have been nice to watch. It would also have actually involved the
minority characters more. Or at all.
And that statue
Sophie has turns out to be one of Matthew’s lost chess pieces - another item he
and Diana need to time travel to the distant past for sanctuary -which
continues to be the big plan while everyone else - including Emily and Sarah -
go to Ysabeau’s castle in France.
But, before he goes,
Matthew hands over control of the Knights of Random Plot Device to Marcus since there's a rule that the Knights must be kept away from Congregation members, can only be held by his family and Miriam doesn't exist.
The Congregation is
not a happy fun place. Knowing Satu is around and sort of getting her powers
back, Baldwin plans to accuse her of kidnapping Diana from his lands which is a
no-no so she should step down
But now Gerbert and
Knoxx, who kind of hate each other, have decided to ally with each other in the
name of bringing down Baldwin. The Convention was created by Phillipe,
Matthew’s dad, and one of the rules is one of the vampires must be from the
Clairemont family. But with Baldwin and Matthew gone then Marcus will hold his
seat and no-one’s scared of Marcus
So when Badlwin makes
a good case against Satu and demand she step down, Knox launches his coup and
accuses Baldwin of betraying the Congregation since he is hiding Diana et al.
Baldwin denies all - but Gerbert insists on having him beheaded and burned to
death
Yes, Baldwin, as a
lawyer I share your annoyance that thousand year old legal systems have these
ridiculous antiquated laws. Admitted he’s probably more irritated by it given
the whole beheading and burning thing.
The Demons intervene
and demand chance to debate this - and a vote. They do that and the final vote
is:
For beheading: the 3
witches and Gerbert
Against beheading:
the 3 demons, Baldwin… and Dominico.
Yes Dominico votes
for Baldwin. Why? I think by this point he’s just doing things for shits and
giggles and so many people owe him favours now. Already when he worked with
Gerbert it’s clear he’s been receiving “favours”.
Baldwin now owes
Dominico and the demons a favour. Or we can burn the whole congregation down
Baldwin cannot stop
the Congregation launching their own forces to pick up Diana and Matthew, just
as they plan to travel in time...
So, returning to my
original opening complaint - this is the season finale and it was just getting
goo-... err… tolerable. Honestly, I don’t like Matthew or Diana. I find them
blander than unseasoned mash potatoes on rice crackers. I find their romance
ridiculously accelerated, going from “creepy terrifying stalker” to “let us
defy all laws to be together forever!” in a ridiculously short period of time.
I also loathe how their romance has destroyed the plot. The Congregation’s
nefarious actions? Nah, Romance. Diana’s special powers? Romance. The book of
fecking LIFE which was supposed to be SO IMPORTANT barely merits a footnote by
episode 8. It’s only there so the Congregation can pretend to give a damn about
these two humping. Hey, remember when Matthew was worried about the extinction
of all creatures? How demons were suffering from mental illness, witches were
less powerful and vampires couldn’t create more? Remember that? Because we
forgot ALL OF THAT by about episode 4. Instead we’re riding this Star Crossed
Lover trope to death
And the decisions
they make continue to frustrate me no end!
This episode added to
the frustration by showing what could have been with the Shadow Congregation
while emphasising just how many of these characters have been undeveloped and
poorly used. Agatha, the demon councillor, commands every scene she’s in - and
her family and their struggle to be recognised by the other Creatures as equals
(along with Hamish and Nathaniel and what Sophie means) would be very compelling
storyline. But it’s so underused that we still don’t know WHAT DEMONS ARE?! I
mean I’m guessing they’re not creatures from hell or fallen angels because that
would probably get a bit more respect? And do they have any kind of
supernatural powers at all? I still think they’re kind of humans who found out
about the supernatural and everyone just convinced them they’re supernatural
because it was the easiest way to keep their secret. Honestly if you have a
series about three different supernatural races and one of them is
indistinguishable from humans there’s an issue with development. Hey, for that
matter - who's the third witch on the Congregation? Who are the other two
demons?
Diana’s aunts -
y’know the ones who could be a source of guidance and advice and magic
considering how few witches they can trust, don’t really appear in any
meaningful way until the second to last episode. I mean, ye gods, we could have
had so much more of them than Diana and Matthew’s painful romance. And Miriam? Am I the only one who forgets she exists most of the time?
And Juliette. Oh my
gods, Juliette. This is a Black woman who was CREATED to seduce a man, existed
entirely for that purpose, was rejected by him and became completely enslaved
and abused by another man… only for yet another man to manipulate her obsession
to her inevitable death at the hands of a white woman who succeeded where she
failed. I… why? Why is this character here? Whyyyyy? It’s just awful in every
single way it’s possible to be awful. I rename this character Cringe.
This show has all the ingredients to create something great... but it left all the best ingredients out, overused some bland, dull elements far too much and then undercooked all of it. The potential is there... and it's still there... but my hope is low...
