Friday, June 21, 2013

Written-By-Numbers Drinking Game: Urban Fantasy

'Cheap booze 1' photo (c) 2008, Melissa Wiese - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
With yet more deja-vu assaulting us, it's time for another Written-by-Numbers drinking game!


And this week, it’s for Urban Fantasy. Grab your bottles, folks and prepare the stomach pumps (we are not responsible for any alcohol poisoning that may develop - in extreme cases you may want to drink non-alcoholic beverages or American beer))



The Protagonist - magic and work!: +1 drink if:


  • She has super-duper woo-woo powers that are super special
    • +1 drink for every element of them that is superduper rare
    • +1 drink if she’s super-duper strong
    • Empty the damn glass if she’s the only one with this power, ever
    • Empty the damn bottle if there’s no explanation why she has this power


  • She has magical powers she DOESN’T USE
    • +1 drink if she’s afraid of them (+1 extra drink if it’s never explained why she should be)
    • +1 drink if she thinks they’re evil (+1 extra drink it;s never explained why she does)
    • +1 drink if she can’t control them
    • Empty the damn glass if she just doesn’t use them for no apparent reason.


  • She grows more powerful as the series progresses
    • +1 drink she has leaps in power with no apparent reason or cause
    • Empty the damn glass if the reason is “tried really hard in emotional stress”
    • Empty the damn glass if she gains entirely new powers
    • Refill the glass and empty again if these powers aren’t even closely related to her current powers
    • Empty the damn bottle if she gains power so often it feels like levelling up in a computer game
    • Raid the brewery and drink all the booze if it’s Anita Blake.


  • She has a dark secret/hidden identity/curse (+1 drink per)


  • She is a police detective or private investigator
    • +1 drink if she has zero detective skills or experience
    • +1 drink if she never does any actual investigation
    • +1 drink if she hasn’t the slightest idea how the law works
    • Empty the damn glass if the author has watched waaay too much CSI
    • Empty the bottle if the “mystery” is solved by the bad guy attacking the protagonist


  • Despite NOT being a police detective or private investigator, she still ends up investigating a crime
    • Apply all the drinks above
    • +1 drink if she hardly ever attends her real job
    • Empty the damn glass if you forget she has a real job


BONUS DRINKS FOR TV SERIES: +1 drink for:
        • Successfully “enhancing” CCTV images to see the impossible - like someone’s face reflected in a car mirror across a parking lot
        • DNA results returned within the hour
        • Hacking. Just hacking, because there’s no way in hell the depiction won’t be laughable.
        • Warrants? Who needs warrants?!
        • Or warrants - let’s go ask the judge, he hands them out like sweet sweet candy
        • Aggressive interview with a lawyer present who sits there silently. Could save money and just have a cardboard cutout




Family and Friends! +1 drink if:


  • Protagonist has a tragic back story
    • +1 drink for dead father
    • +2 drinks for dead mother (it’s always the mother)
    • +1 drink per murdered family member
    • +1 drink for each evil parent


  • Protagonist has no family.


  • Protagonist has no good past relationships
    • +1 drink if past failed relationship is mentioned repeatedly
    • Empty the damn bottle if a past boyfriend dumped her in college and she’s now 30 and still not the hell over it already.


  • Protagonist has no hobbies (+1 drink) and/or no social life (+1 drink)


  • Protagonist has no female friends
    • Still count if she has ONE female friend she assures us is her best friend but she spends absolutely no time with.
    • +1 drink for every woman she meets who hates her
    • +1 drink if they hate her because they’re jealous of her
    • +1 drink for every time she expresses contempt or derision towards another woman


  • Protagonist has no friends at all, only work colleagues (double with no female friends)
    • Empty the damn glass if all of these are male
    • +1 drink if she has a pet. +1 drink if said pet is low maintenance


  • Empty damn bottle if more than 80% of everyone around her is a man.


  • Protagonist considers herself to be “one of the guys”
    • +1 drink every time she actually says that, talks about speaking “man code” or “guy code” etc
    • +1 drink if she makes a point of minimal her beauty/hygiene routine is (every time she does)
    • +1 drink if she still has amazing skin/hair/make up
    • +1 drink per scene where a man has to show her how to dress fancy


  • In the event of a male Protagonist +1 drink per time the attractiveness of a woman is described
    • +1 drink per paragraph spent describing said attractiveness (for the whole book)
    • +1 drink per repetition of sexy description
    • +1 drink per time the protagonist is distracted by a woman’s sexiness
    • +1 drink if most of the women in the book get their sexiness describes
    • Empty the damn glass if ALL of them do
    • Empty the damn glass if “chivalry” is used as an excuse to treat women like fragile ornaments
    • +1 drink per woman rescued/protected/saved
    • +1 drink per woman kidnapped
    • Empty the damn bottle if a woman dies tragically to cause him ManPain and motivate him to avenge her



The Love Interest: Take a drink if:


  • Love Interest is a supernatural creature
    • +1 drink if he’s the leader of the local supernatural creatures
    • +1 drink if they hate/fear each other on first sight
    • Empty the damn glass if they actively try to kill each other
    • Empty the damn bottle if they describe how horny they make each other WHILE they are trying to kill each other
    • Empty ANOTHER bottle, if he later describes how he knew they’d always be together - despite them trying to kill each other.
    • +1 drink if he hates what he is


  • Love Interest is an alpha manly man who wants to protect and shelter the protagonist
    • +1 drink per secret kept from her “for her own good”
    • +1 drink per time he tries to lock her away “for her own good”
    • Empty the damn glass if she finds this romantic even while finding it annoying



World Building +1 drink if:


  • The author has included at least 4 different mythological creatures
    • +1 drink if the author has included EVERYTHING EVER
    • Empty the damn glass if the author decides to tell us about them. All of them. In the first book. At length
    • +1 drink if each book covers a new monster
    • +1 drink if the author’s research into these myths seems to be limited to reading OTHER Urban Fantasy
    • Empty the damn glass if the author has taken monsters from foreign cultures but not bothered to include any of the actual people from those cultures
    • Empty the damn bottle if there’s a bloody WENDIGO. Because there’s ALWAYS a Wendigo. I swear, about 10 years ago someone decided werewolves were passé and that was it, WENDIGOS EVERYWHERE!


  • The author has extremely long and detailed magic/political/world systems (+1 drink each)
    • +1 drink if they are explained in massive info dumps
    • +1 drink if the info dumps are completely unbelievable
    • Empty the damn glass if you read 3 solid pages of world building that never becomes relevant in the book
    • Empty the damn glass if the author repeats the same world building every single book
    • Empty the damn bottle if they’re still going this after the 6th book in a series


  • The world building is prone to change
    • +1 drink every time a character seems to forget about a power they can use
    • +1 drink every time a power suddenly stops working without explanation
    • +1 drink every time the protagonist suddenly spawns a new power that is narratively convenient
    • +1 drink every time something appears that is considered extremely rare
    • +1 drink every time something appears that is considered “impossible”, “non-existent” or “extinct”
    • Empty the damn glass if there are 2 or more of them.