Vampire Diaries, Season 7, Episode 3: Age of Innocence

Flashforward to 3 years in the future with Stefan wanting to get in touch with Caroline because his “scar opened up.” He contacts Tyler (this guy just can’t escape this show it keeps dragging him back in) who isn’t thrilled to get involved in whatever drama Stefan and Caroline have. He wants to warn Caroline – and run. Running involves torching his car and saving his journal at the last minute.

To the present with more journaling from Bonnie who keeps having horrific visions from the Phoenix Stone which cause black outs.

Damon in a towel! Ah, Vampire Diaries belatedly remembers why we watch this show. He’s camping with Alaric. Who isn’t that much of a fan of the arrangement. Bonnie arrives for the eye-candy (and that phoenix stone thing). Alaric continues to lie about it. Damon is still focusing on kidnapping Donavon, the missing Heretic witchpire he intends to kidnap for a prisoner exchange.

So on to plan to kidnap Oscar and the plan has now extended to using his power to siphon off Bonnie’s visions since they can’t think of another way to remove them since Alaric keeps lying. Turns out Oscar knows Damon and sent him to check on Damon in the past. Oscar is currently merrily partying (don’t mind the bodies, it’s Vampire Diaries no-one cares) and happy to be out of Lily’s eternally watchful eye

They ask Oscar to siphon Bonnie’s visions – he tries – but then asks where the phoenix stone is and promptly disables them all with magic. When they wake up Oscar is gone, so is the stone and Bonnie is pissed to learn Alaric didn’t destroy it. She blames Damon for not telling her – he happily steps aside, this is so between bonnie and Alaric. They argue and Bonnie is clearly not happy though Alaric points out that bonnie and he have both died a few times and came back though now the Otherside is gone they don’t have that option. Alaric is still focused on raising Joe no matter what happens

Anyway Damon catches Oscar and admits he does know him – but he doesn’t talk about that time when he was a Confederate soldier and very ashamed of that. He claims Oscar saved him by compelling him to desert but Oscar says he couldn’t compel, he just convinced him. And now Oscar wants to be free of Lily’s rules. Damon then attacks Oscar so they an trade him in – which doesn’t go well because Heretics are super powerful but Bonnie and Alaric arrive to back him up, taking down Oscar. Bonnie then takes the stone from Alaric.

They then research it – Bonnie’s on side despite this being an epicly awful idea. Alaric tries to convince her by showing her Joe’s body and his epic inability to let go.

Sleepy Hollow, Season 3, Episode 4: The Sisters Mills

We open with kids plotting evil (what I assume kids are doing all the time) and a nasty monster apparently sucking ghosty stuff from one of them. Soul? Life Essence? The vital spark of evil that powers all small sticky creatures? (I’ve had to deal with my cousin’s kids, there will be vengeance snark).

Now to Ichabod who has discovered games consoles, tinned drinks but not coasters (much to Abbie’s disapproval) and he isn’t studying for his American citizenship test (also to Abbie’s disapproval). He smugly thinks he doesn’t have to study history since he lived it – so absolutely nothing happened in the centuries when he was sleeping in a cave? She naturally picks him up on this and when he becomes smug she then tests him – and further adds that what he remembers is not necessarily what has been written down and recorded. After all, history isn’t 100% accurate

Ichabod is duly outraged. Abbie’s expression says it all.

She also pokes him about all the texts he’s sharing with historical society lady Zoe – he meanly pokes back about her still not telling Jenny about finding their dad. She’s not happy to rock the boat, her dad has a whole over life and why distract her and Jenny’s life to chase after a man who may not care?

To the plot! Joe Corbin (the sheriff’s kid, an EMT) calls her about the little girl who was all monsterised and is now in a coma (a quiet child! – Victory!). Pandora is also in the hospital being all ominous.

A trip to the hospital only allows Jenny to reassure the surviving kid since she remembers being a kid who no-one believed when she talked about monsters. Abbie also has to make a quick call to Reynolds about why she’s involved in a non-FBI case (I wonder how often this will be a thing and whether he will be brought into the loop).

American Horror Story (Hotel), Season 5, Episode 3: Mommy

Tristan is now going looking for James March, the ghost/reborn/undead serial killer – only now he’s totally a fan since he now really loves killing people. James March, in addition to being bemused by Tristan’s modern language is all about showing off his fun murder palace.

Of course, new owner Will arrives (and James vanishes so I’m going with ghost) and is put out that his plans to massively renovate are interrupted by Tristan, an apparent squatter - though he’s recognised quickly as a model – and both he and Claudia (from Vogue I think) are impressed by how quickly his face healed.

Ghostly James and the Laundress are most displeased with the plans to alter the building

Claudia in true horror story clichés, strips to her underwear before being murdered by the guy sewn into the mattress.

Tristan goes to Will who has found that the plans for the hotel don’t actually match the hotel itself while Tristan does his best to seduce him. He kisses him – and almost stabs him – but the Countess stops him – he leaves, leaving a very confused Will behind

She takes Will to her own apartment where he makes it clear he’s gay and not interested. And how he has lost his inspiration to create (he’s a fashion designer). And she seduces him anyway because let’s not the pesky fact of a character being gay get in the way of some heterosexual sexing

They’re interrupted by Tristan who is all jealous after knowing the Countess for one day and protests “all he has is money.” The countess is basically “yes… and? Your point would be?” See the Countess isn’t a rich as she was thanks to Bernie Madoff. She intends to marry Will and take all his cash.

John has another murder to investigate with Detective Hahn. A mass killing of people from a gossip site, all of them with their tongues mutilated. It’s another 10 commandment killing which is less a homage to Seven and more a blatant copy

He returns to his hotel and runs right into blood-covered-mattress guy.

John takes him to the hospital where he doesn’t look good and hears him both confessing to murder and that Sally is the one who left him in this state – he calls her a “junkie whore”. John returns to the hotel looking for Sally.

Supernatural, Season 11, Episode 3: The Bad Seed

Rowena is trying to form a coven. The Mega Coven, her way of trumping the Grand Coven. No, no-one likes the name, it’s certainly not helping her recruit anyone. Also they’re not fools – she may have killed the head of the last coven (which she won’t admit) but they know she has made lots of enemies including the Winchesters and have no wish to sign up to play Rowena’s bodyguards. She tries to claim she killed the King of Hell to impress them – only to learn he’s still alive.

Losing her temper, Rowena uses her shiny new evil book to nuke her recruits.

Dean is still all spacing out about the Darkness woman and, probably because of this, is not so quick to see Amarra the why-didn’t-you-burn-her-child as all evil. They also get a bit snarky about god not being around to take care of the darkness (even Castiel is a little… edgy about god’s ongoing absence). Sam suggests that the best alternative to god is… Metatron. Bad Moose! Bad idea.

They’re dealing with the spell Rowena put on Castiel by chaining him up. He’s still out of control and they need Rowena to lift it. Which means Dean tries to call Crowley who isn’t answer. Metatron is also elusive (and can we have a d’awwwww for Castiel who seems quite sad that Sam and Dean don’t like his car). Castiel also can’t really help them with where Metatron might be beyond ”he likes waffles”

The spell hits again when Castiel has a seizure (+10 points for responding to Dean’s “do you know where/when you are” with “Earth. Several billion years since the beginning.”). He’s also hearing voices (yet more bonus points for Dean’s quick step back) of all the angels looking for him and Metatron.

While Crowley has taken in the evil soulless child and educating her on how to be super duper evil. All Amarra wants is to be saved from god. He’s also dispatched demons to hunt down his mother.

Which completely interrupts her latest recruitment attempt. Being Rowena she leaves with class and grace (and an awesome furniture barrier spell).

Amarra has been looking through pictures of the Earth and is impressed by what god made which she tells Darkness Lady, communicating through a mirror (and here I thought she was Darkness Lady but since she says “I am what you are becoming” she may be). Darkness Lady wants to make sure she stays on message and even if god has made pretty pretty things.

Mystery Shows - Madlibs as Plot

A number of the shows we’ve been following defy genre. When we start watching them we can’t be sure if they’re sci-fi, urban fantasy, horror or even something completely different.

Is this because they are so nuanced, so complex or so groundbreaking that they can’t be so easily categorised?

Usually no - they’re just so lacking in information or definition that there’s no way of knowing what genre they are. Ultimately they are tagged as “Mystery” because that becomes their sole defining feature, mystery. Lots of questions with few if any answers and little real coherent world building - and this will go on for episode after episode, season after season.

Of course, a mystery isn’t necessarily a bad - but all too often this “mystery” is an excuse for some horrendously lazy writing. Sometimes I think the writers just paste story ideas on a board and then throw darts at them at random to see what plot line they’re going to pull out of nowhere next. We end up with a long string of “monster of the week” episodes, without even the excuse of monsters to justify it!

This is a different trope from shows which use random ill-explained and completely unjustified decisions or events within a show to drive the plot forward (for example, Falling Skies) because those shows do have a plot - it’s just a terribly executed plot that the writers should be forever shame for inflicting on the public. No, a Mystery doesn’t even have that - Something happens for Reasons and now everyone needs to deal with the Something and next week something else completely random will happen, also without explanation

As the mystery drags without any kind of answers the plot grows steadily more irritatingly empty and pointless - but always teasing the possibility of answers to try and keep fans engaged. Eventually when the writers finally do get round to providing answers they’ve written themselves into a corner - their episodes have been so random and so lacking in coherence that their big reveal can’t possibly answer all of the mysteries they’ve raised

Lost really started the trend of writers including mysteries into a series with viewers watching each week desperately looking for hidden clues. Lost was so popular in part because they convinced viewers that they had a grand narrative which would play out over time and have a spectacular end. From the moment we found that the survivors landed on an island and were not alone, the mystery began. Writers included: Hurley’s obsession with the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42, polar bears on a tropical island, a plane filled with drugs crash landed on the island.  Who was Jacob and what was his purpose? Who could forget the Dharma Initiative? Both the flashbacks and the flashforwards were absolutely meant to give the viewer a sense that the writers were falling a strict plan. Viewers made excuses for the slow pace of the show claiming that the authors were forced to keep drawing it out because they had no end date.  What started as a very popular show found that it steadily lost viewership for the simple fact that the writers kept asking questions. In fact questions inside of questions would be a more accurate statement.  In the end, it turned out just as viewers had always feared, the writers were making it up as they went along.  As a viewer I can think of no greater slap in the face.  Just throwing things against a wall for funsies while having people spend hours contemplating the meaning of your supposedly deep and detailed show is just plain and simple an asshole thing to do. Well done Lost.

Veiled Magic by Deborah Blake

Donata Santori is a witch working for the police – one of the future supernaturals that are publicly known to the general population. But even with her useful ability to speak to the dead doesn’t make her very popular with her fellows.

Just when she’s starting to get out of the basement and be trusted one of those ghosts comes to her with a mission that not only risks that newfound trust – but also her life. There’s a painting that holds not just all the secrets of the paranormal races (which the Inquisition Cabal would love to get their hands on to push their crusade) but also a lost race… which may be even more destructive than a renewed inquisition.

This book is a very classic Urban Fantasy – very much in line with all the classic points and elements of a basic Urban Fantasy

And that sounds like a bad thing – but I like Urban Fantasy. I like classic Urban Fantasy. If I didn’t like all the hallmarks of a basic Urban Fantasy then I wouldn’t be a fan of that genre. The key is both what is added to that template and how well done that template is addressed

I do like Donata, the protagonist. Again she is a very classic Urban Fantasy protagonist who ticks a lot of boxes but does it well. She’s a witch, which in this world means lots of ritual magic and utility spells but not much in the way of throwing lightning. She’s also a cop (therefore involve in investigation) and knows enough martial arts to be useful in a fight and not be a damsel. She’s active and dangerous without being super-powerful and story breaking. I really like how she asserts herself when defying both the authority of the Council and her disapproving family (and certainly her two male cohorts) but does so without the classic suicidal sass that is so common to the genre (Honestly, I am tired of raging protagonist raging at authority which should squish them so many times over but never ever does). And she has conflicts with her family but does love them and seems to be blessedly free of the almost compulsory tragic past. I also quite like that the romance was only briefly the cause of men fighting each other

I mentioned that she can hold her own in a fight though it is slightly frustrating that her two male cohorts are so much more physically dangerous than she is – it’s such a trope and when the supernatural are involved it’s so unnecessary. Why can’t the woman be the one with physical super powers and the man be the one with support magic?

iZombie, Season 2, Episode 3: Real Dead Housewife of Seattle

We have a wealthy lady, Taylor, in an impressive house who is attacked by a man pretending to be trying to buy her house for a whole lot of cash. She fights back impressively – dragging them both over her clifftop view

But it seems to be only her on the autopsy table with Ravi commenting on her breast implants – he’s alive but comatose. Clive has investigated and concluded that the fake estate agent was actually a hitman (whose day job is installing car stereos). Liv would also like to have a nice social get together – but both Ravi (who is immensely cute) and Clive say no. Now it’s time for Liv to have lunch on “a lady who lunches”

This includes fashion and style knowledge and focus during interviews and loving over pretty houses. She upgrades her wardrobe and nails as well. Liv is completely focused on Vaughn, head of Max Rager because there’s some links there – while Clive is going for more traditional policing and looking at the husband, Terrence.

That means both of them end up interviewing Vaughn with Liv continuing to wear her picky, fashion-conscious, vain, entitled persona. She also gets a vision of Taylor having sex with Vaughn. Not a visual Liv wanted. She confronts him and he gets creepy so she throws water at him.

She also sees Major when leaving; she’s not happy. She confronts him working for Max Rager with her full over dramatic brain and slaps him. They leave but Clive and Liv discuss her vision – and are overheard by Gilda.

They check the hitman’s work and only learn he had a client he visited (they visit people willing to pay not to come in) which was, presumably, his chance to meet either Terrence or Vaughn and be hired to kill Taylor. Of course they don’t know who the client was and the boss is away. Liv is also wearing “sitting shoes” which, as I tell Renee repeatedly, defeats the whole point of footwear

They go to interview Terrence who has a lawyer who consults on everything and a personal assistant who removes his need to remember anything. Clive rather tastelessly refers to his wife’s affair with Vaughn and Terrence goes on a violent rampage – showing he’s both violent and surprised.

Back at Max Rager Gilda scolds Vaughn for sleeping with Taylor – she’s not impressed at all. He does say that she wouldn’t exist if he didn’t sleep with other men’s wives so I take it she’s his daughter. She’s still not impressed – but she does tell them that Liv knew, somehow

On to interview Terrence’s stylist (who is his alibi) and more of Liv’s opulent house wife persona and talks a lot about shoes (those would be the sitting shoes which are still a terrible idea Renee). We also learn about Camille and Deborah, Taylor’s friends who are “awful people.”

The Journeyman (The Commons #1) by Michael Alan Peck

Paul, Anna and Zach all died in a tragic accident

But the afterlife is not all good. Once the Commons where all people gathered to complete their Journey and find out where they’re going next. But now Mr. Brill controls the Essence of life and creation, their power, the potential of their journeys all trapped and enslaved to increase his power and control and create his corporate empire.

These three have the potential, together, of finally loosening Mr. Brill’s stifling grip and restoring things to their natural balance.

In some ways we have a classic adventure story – with a normal boy, Paul Reid, discovering that he is so much more special. He enters the Commons as a normal person and discovers how very very special he is as he goes along, gains new powers and collects companions who are super loyal to him

It’s classic – but things are classic for a reason; it’s the every man adventure story that is often fun when done well – and this is definitely done well. What makes it special is the world.

This huge world that is made up of the imaginations of everyone who has ever passed through is so random. In a wonderful way. Whether it’s the ferret whisperer or the Mososaurs or the hippie soldiers (I LOVED the hippie soldiers in their peace symbol uniforms) and the humbolt squid and so many other random images and creations. It works because The Commons is created from the minds of so many people, everyone who has died and passed on to the next journey

It is fascinating and rich and incredibly fun and zany and the sheer vastness of it makes it an excellent read. It also combines with the complex, multi-faceted plot with three different figures all doing seemingly very different things to bring about the end result – all their missions are connected but in a world that is so outside of normal rules that the connections are almost impossible to see until the end.

I’m torn on this. On the one side it’s amazing, it looks amazing, it’s fun, it’s wildly imaginative and incredibly vivid. At the same time it feels almost like a cheat – but having a world with no parameters, no logical connections, where literally anything mankind can imagine all exists then you also don’t particularly have any onus to create a coherent world. In fact, a coherent world is quite the opposite of what is – because we have all these remnants of imagine smooshed together, all these disparate sources of Essence striving to communicate and fight against the repression of all their infinite potential. This is what makes the book so much fun and so different – because it’s so vivid and bright and random. But it also means that you have infinite supplies of Deus Ex Machinae. There comes a point when you don’t even try to follow the logic of the plot any more, just watch, enjoy and run with it because no-one ever said it had to make sense