Siempre Bruja: Season 1, episode 1

After so much hope, so much potential, so much excitement, this... this utter horror is what we get?!

Forbidden Witches (Tarot Witches #2) by SM Reine

Leah has led a sheltered life… she certainly has never attended many concerts. But even she’s pretty sure concerts don’t usually end up with you waking up on the tour bus surrounded by naked people - and sexy werewolves and witches

I am going to, again, reference my pledge to read every word SM Reine has ever typed in her entire life ever.

One of the mild downsides to this is the Tarot Witches series - because this would probably be a series I would never pick up at any time. It’s a paranormal romance where the romance and sex both is the focus - and it’s a werewolf romance. And for some reasons there’s something about the canine and furry that invites the worst tropes round to play. But with this world, with its complex and overlapping characters, I can’t guarantee some of these characters won’t be super relevant later. Especially since the underlying concept of the Tarot witches is really intriguing - these witches who have some kind of plot to resolve linked to these destiny predicting Tarot cards. All of these women can be extremely different people, facing massively different challenged with this woo-woo bringing the disparate women together. All for a deeper, richer and more mysterious purpose

And damn it I want to know what that mysterious purpose is! This is the world with the whole godslayer narrative, an author who has produced some of the most unique and genre breaking storylines I’ve read and a world so complicated and interlinked that I NEED to read all of this to appreciate the vastness and amazingness. Whatever else happens in this series, I will charge through it because I know some of these elements or characters may inform the Dana McIntyre Must Die series or the The War of the Alphas, I want them to be included, I want to see all these vastness come together because there’s so much here I love

But… this book really isn’t one of them. It has so many romance tropes I find unpleasant: inexperienced female ingenou vs experience male love interest; Magical Mating Bond that get complete strangers to fall in love without getting to know the slightest thing about it; woman instantly trusting love interest despite the extreme danger she’s in; man barking orders and commands and control over woman; woman giving no more than a token protest to all this. And there’s not even a real story like there was in Caged Wolf. No dark past to escape, no figure to defeat - no, the meaning of her card is, not-even-a-spolier, to basically do what her captors say

Yes I said captors. Innocent, naive, Leah, good mormon girl with only a couple of ex-boyfriends and little experience in the rock star lifestyle goes to a concert at the urgings of her Gay Best Friend (yes a gay character. Yes, he’s a walking stereotype. No he does nothing in the book except be Leah’s friend. We even open to him giving her a make over. Actually that’s pretty much all he does). There because of woo-woo she’s given VIP treatment which means getting this very naive woman drunk (at one point tipping her head back and pouring alcohol down her throat when she seems reluctant) after which she gets heavily groped by two men and sat in a bus witnessing. No she didn’t say no. But she was extremely drunk as she makes clear on multiple occasions. This is not ok.

And when she falls asleep that bus drives off and leaves the state. And when she expresses a wish to leave she is denied. As we go on she is repeatedly stopped from leaving and even physically picked up and carried by her love interest when she tries to leave. And then tied up. Her protests to this are minimal… and seconds after being restrained they decide her sexy smell is distracting so it’s necessary to make her orgasm. If she’s less horny her smell won’t be distracting, apparently.

Consent is not something that is considered

But, hey, after being kidnapped, restrained and sexually assaulted she decides the guy doing that to her has too much of an erection so gives him oral sex. Because “I want to escape!” turns into “oh it’s only fair if I get you off too!”

  

Gerard's Beauty (Kingdom #2) by Marie Hall

We've all seen Beauty and the Beast.  What if, Gaston had been maligned and was actually the good guy? In Gerard's Beauty, this is exactly what Hall proposes.  Gerard, had fallen in love with Belle, doting on her, and doing her bidding at all times.  Belle however had other ideas and instead of being with the man that was supposedly good for her, she fell for the Beast because he was rich, leaving Gerard alone and in misery.  Gerard was heartbroken and believed his life could not get any worse but then a princess threw herself at him and now the entire kingdom wants to exact revenge for his manwhorish ways. Luckily for Gerard, his fairy godmother has a plan.  If Gerard can somehow make his true love, fall in love with him in thirty days, he can win his freedom and spare his life. 

I don't know why I keep punishing myself by reading these re-writes of fairy tales.  I've only read one series that's been good, yet I keep taking another bite out of the apple in the hope that this feat can be repeated.  Gerard's Beauty is an epic failure. I suppose some of this is my fault because what good has ever come from a cover with man titteh?  I know that paranormal romance is all about a couple falling in love but it usually comes with some version of a plot - something to make you want to root for the HEA but I simply couldn't get through this fast enough. 

Gerard, the protagonist is an asshole. There's no other way to put it. He's actually not far from being an incel and that's creepy as fuck. Gerard spends a lot of time up in his feelings because Beauty chose another man and made him feel stupid because she is smarter than him.   The man is actually illiterate but because he felt that it was unmanly to read, he never took the time to learn. So, Beauty's biggest crime is simply deciding that she wanted to be with someone else and didn't return the love he felt for her.   Gerard is an empty headed ass who thinks that he's entitled to women's bodies.  Of course, this belief is bolstered by the fact that every woman wants to throw herself at him because of his super hot bod and breathe that smells like brandy (ewww). Even the head fairy godmother is angry at him because of his rejection of her. 

Gerard is sent to earth to claim the heart of Betty, who is just getting over a broken heart thanks to getting involved with a playa.  Betty supposedly is taking a break from men in order to regroup but when Gerard shows up outside of the library where she works, looking like a homeless man, Betty suddenly cannot resist him because he's so damn hot.  When Betty realises that Gerard doesn't have a place to sleep and the weather is inclement, she decides to take him home. Look, I get looking out for someone who has less and is potentially vulnerable but who takes them home because they're horny?

The Originals: Season 5, Episode 10: There in the Disappearing Light

Klaus is trying to help his evil daughter Hope, deal with the evil darkness inside her. By slapping him around with magic

While I generally approve of this, it’s not enough because Hope is the only person in the world who doesn’t want to hurt Klaus. She wants to hurt Roman

Hey I’m all for hurting Nazis

Klaus grabs Roman and brings him back to the Originals mansion so she can torture him horribly to death. I’m all in favour of this. Bring on the Nazi torture! And then by killing him they will purge all the darkness inside her at least for a little while.

Elijah disapproves of this - he wants to get Vincent to help with Hope and her massive shadow problem but Vincent is, for once, far more involved in half of his coven being dead and all that and not the Mikkaelson’s endless drama.

Elijah is concerned that letting Hope torture someone to death may be deleterious to her innocence and all. Also Antoinette isn’t thrilled to hear that little brother is going to get all murdered. Waaaaah the poor kid.

Yeah can everyone please stop whining about this kid - this “kid” was around before world war 2. He’s a grown, adult, nazi. Not a child with mummy issues. Make with the killing already.

Hope begins zapping him and Nazi boy keeps whining about how his mother is totally dead as well and he didn’t know what he was doing with his naziness. Alas, Hope doesn’t want to kill him because she’s too nice which is a problem because she’s being consumed by darkness and evil and nasty whispering which is going to be bad

While Klaus doesn’t trust Elijah, thinking that he’s maybe adopted Antoinette’s viewpoints a bit too much and may not entirely be loyal to the Mikkaelsons any more. But he doesn’t have a great deal of choice in the matter.

Meanwhile Vincent is surprised by all the dead witches waking up again - because they’ve all been fed vampire blood and poison. Which means they can now drink blood and become vampires… which is not an easy choice, apparently. Well not for Ivy, we don’t really check in with the others. She was born a witch, intends to die a witch and has absolutely no intention in becoming a vampire especially since she’s had lots and lots of pretty visions of the afterlife which seems like a pretty nice place.

Unfortunately it’s all a lie. Vincent reveals the Afterlife is a terrible place where all the ancestors kind of hang around the well of power - because all that New Orleans ancestor magic is created by imprisoning the dead in a kind of limbo (ignore the numerous examples of Ancestors outright dictating to the living for the past 4 seasons). And he doesn’t want that for Ivy

So he gathers the witches together to tell them this thing they’ve been doing for generations is totally unjustified and wrong when it’s going to affect someone he loves. And they should really stop it… and everyone agrees. I mean we cut from Vincent making a big dramatic point about how unjust it is to everyone casting the spell to delete the well of power. Welp I guess he was very very very very convincing. This means Ivy can now shuffle off her mortal coil and hopefully whatever afterlife she ends up in will give her at least one plot line. I assume all the other vampire witches die as well. I guess? It’s not really explained.

Declan is getting all angsty and deciding to research his dead clergy relatives (they died back in season 1? Or possibly 2? Honestly I don’t care enough to click links to find out. They’re dead anyway) and Josh has to play supporter for a brief moment before actually flirting with a guy. Oh my gods the show remembered he was gay. Oh my gods the show remembered he has a life outside of serving others. And oh my god the show remembered Aidan who is dead… but only so Josh can push the other guy away. Yeah way to remember grief that had been forgotten for several seasons just so you can nip any possibility of a storyline with this guy

But it’s worse! Yep - this is for pathos. See Marcel has been lured into an ambush by the Nazi vampires and despite being super powerful awesome he’s easily captured because they have a witch and on this show the relative power of witches and vampires and originals all changes every 5 minutes depending on what the plot needs

Why does a witch want to capture Marcel and help the Nazi vampires establish vampire supremacy? Who even knows, it’s The Originals no-one’s motive has to make sense. Especially not nameless Black cannon foddder!

So the Nazi vampires are extracting Marcel’s hybrid venom because they think it can kill Hope - I mean, there’s absolutely no indication that a bullet won’t kill hope - but why not. Josh comes to the rescue, killing the nameless witch and allowing Marcel to slaughter the others. But Josh gets stabbed with a syringe of venom they just happened to have ready. In the heart.

Elsker (The Elsker Saga #1) by S.T. Bende

Kristia Tostenson is from a small town in Oregon. Kristia worries that she'll just following along with what is expected and marry one of the few suitable males after finishing university and settling down to a boring life without adventure.  Kristia decides that she wants more and  takes a leap of faith and enrolls in Cardiff university  for a year abroad and thus begins an adventure she could never have predicted, even in the weird dreams and visions she's had over the years.

When Kristia first meets Ull Myher, her world stands still. Ull is not only the most beautiful man she's ever seen, he's actually a Norse god.  The two share a wild wind romance but always hanging over their head is the fact that Ragnarok hasn't happened yet.  It's difficult to make plans for the future when the world could come crashing down at any moment.  When it is announced that Baldr will die soon, thus setting off the beginning of the war that brings an end to the Asgardians, Kristia knows that she has a decision to make.  Will she flee and return to her old life or will she marry Ull and fight side by side against the enemies of Asgard. 

I picked up Elsker because I'm an absolute sucker for any story with Norse mythology as its basis. I even over looked the fact that I'm not overly a fan of YA to give this book a chance.  Unfortunately, as it turns out, I should have left this one on the shelf.  Elsker reads like Twilight fanfic.  I'm absolutely positive that S.T. Bende needs to pay Stephanie Meyer royalties for this hot mess masquerading as a tale about Norse Gods.

Kristia is the same kind of blank slate that Bella was in Twilight. It's clear that S.T. Bende wrote her this way so that any white woman could envision herself in this role. There's absolutely nothing interesting about her whatsoever which makes it all the more astounding that Ull manages to scrape together attributes he admires, making her worthy of being his wife.  Kristia is clumsy and is either always tripping or is in danger of tripping.  Does that remind you of anyone?  She's also incredibly insecure and talks constantly about how plain she is and worries about whether or not she's actually good enough to date or even marry Ull. If that were not enough, Kristia also has a puritanical streak and some pretty archaic ideas about modesty and sexual chastity that are extremely outdated coming from anyone who wasn't forced into a purity ball as a teenager. There's also the issue that throughout the novel, Bende cannot seem to decide what age Kristia is. In parts of the novel she's 20 and in others she's 18. Given that Elsker spans less than nine months, such a discrepancy makes absolutely no sense. 

As a protagonist, Kristia is simply annoying.  Kristia deems all the women around her to be more beautiful than her and more graceful.  It's all she bloody talks about. Given that there are only three male characters, Kristia feels inadequate a lot.  For all of the female characters in this book, you'd think that Elsker would pass the Bechdel Test but you'd be wrong.  The women may talk briefly about their career ambitions but generally speaking, the conversation always seems to revolve around Kristia's relationship with Ull, or how hot Ull is, or how Kristia wants to become a God so that Ull doesn't have to give up his immortality to be with her. I know that they are sophomore University students but they read instead like 14 year old girls excited about a game of spin the bottle.

The Land of Painted Caves (Earth's Children #6) by Jean M. Auel

This is the final book in the Earth's Children series and it follows the journey of Ayla, as she attempts to become a Zelandonia (read: medicine woman) of her adopted tribe the Zelandonii. Ayla must survive in a prehistoric world in which danger lurks at every corner and life is dependent upon gathering from the land, while going through rigorous training which will test all of the skills that she has developed to date. Most people who train for the Zelandonii are not mated, let alone have children and so this journey will test Ayla's  relationship with Jondalar - the first human she met after being expelled from the Clan.  Will Ayla finally come full circle and be welcomed and cherished by the others from whom she was seperated from so many years ago?

I know that normally when we a review a series, we start with book one and follow through until the end but because I first read clan of the Cave Bear when I was a pre-teen and didn't know until recently that Auel had finally gotten around to finishing the series, starting at the beginning just felt like too much. Including a review of The Land of Painted Caves is a bit of a stretch on Fangs for the Fantasy given that it's not exactly paranormal; however, it does fall clearly into the realm of historical fantasy.  Auel has clearly done a lot of research into the tools used in prehistoric times and created a world which includes a creation myth and a religion that we can only imagine because not much survives from this time.  

The Land of Painted Caves is seven hundred and fifty-seven pages long and could easily have been cut down by a minimum of three hundred pages.  It was only my determination to see this story through to the end because of the fact that I started this series so young which caused me to  persevere to the end. It's quite possible to skip entire pages at a time and not miss a single thread of the story. The Land of Painted Caves is absolutely the definition of over written and pointless. 

It's not surprising that given the fact that modern science as we understand it is thousands of years away in The Land of Painted Caves that Auel had her characters worship natural spirits.  It makes sense to me that Auel had the Zelandonii practice a form of earth based religion; however, said worship quickly became tedious. Because the Zelandonii are in a pre written word stage of development, they practice an oral tradition of passing on information.  Auel took this oral tradition too far because she insisted on writing "The Mother's Song" repeatedly throughout the novel.  

Out of the darkness, the chaos of time,

the whirlwind gave birth to the Mother sublime.

She woke to Herself knowing life had great worth,

the dark empty void grieved the Great Mother Earth.

The Mother was lonely. She was the only.

From the dust of Her birth she created the other,

A pale shining friend, a companion, a brother.

They grew up together, learned to love and to care,

And when She was ready, they decided to pair.

Around Her he'd hover. Her pale shining lover.

She was happy at first with her one counterpart.

Then the Mother grew restless, unsure in Her heart.

She loved Her fair friend, Her dear complement,

But something was missing, Her love was unspent.

She was the Mother. She needed another.

She dared the great void, the chaos, the dark,

To find the cold home of the life-giving spark.

The whirlwind was fearsome, the darkness complete.

Chaos was freezing, and reached for Her heat. 

The mother was brave. the danger was grave.

She drew from cold chaos the creative source,

Then conceiving within, She fled with life force.

She grew with life that She carried inside.

And gave of Herself with love and with pride.

The Mother was hearing. her life She was sharing.

With a thunderous roar Her stones split asunder,

And from the great cave that opened deep under,

She birthed once again from her cavernous heart,

Bringing forth all the creatures of Earth from the start,

From the Mother forlorn, more children were born.

Each child was different, some were large and some small, 

Some could walk and some fly, some could swim and some crawl.

But each form was perfect, each spirit complete,

Each one was a model whose shape could repeat.

The Mother was willing. The green earth was filling,

All the birds an the fish and the animals born,

Would not leave the Mother, this time, to mourn.

Each kind would live near the place of its birth,

And share the expanse of the Great Mother Earth.

Close to Her they would stay. They could not run away.

They all were her children, they filled her with pride

But they used up the life force she carried inside.

She had enough left for a last innovation,

A child who'd remember Who made the creation,

A child who'd respect. And learn to protect. 

First Woman was born full frown and alive,

And given the Gifts she would need to survive.

Life was the First Gift, and like Mother Earth,

She woke to herself knowing life had great worth.

First Woman defined. The first of her kind.

Next was the Gift of Perception, of learning,

The desire to know, the Gift of Discovering,

First Woman was given the knowledge within,

That would help her to live, then impart to her kin.

First Woman would know. How to learn, how to grow. 

Her life force near gone, the Mother was spent,

To pass on Life's Spirit had been Her intent.

She caused all of Her children to create life anew,

And Woman was blessed to bring forth life, too.

But Woman was lonely. She was the only.

The Mother remembered Her own loneliness

The love of Her friend and his hovering caress,

With the last spark remaining, Her labor began,

To share life with Woman, She created First Man.

Again She was giving, One more was living.

To Woman and Man the Mother gave birth,

And then for their home, She gave them the Earth,

The water, the land, and all Her creation.

To use them with care was their obligation. 

It was their home to use, But never abuse.

For the Children of Earth the Mother provided,

The Gifts to survive, and then She decided,

To give them the Gift of Pleasure and caring,

That honors the Mother with the joy of their sharing.

The Gifts are well earned, When honor's returned.

The Mother was pleased with the pair she created,

She taught them to love and to care when they mated.

She mad them desire to join with each other,

The Gift of their Pleasures came from the Mother.

Before She was through, Her children loved too.

Her last Gift, the Knowledge that man has his part.

His need must be spent before new life can start.

It honors the Mother when the couple is paired,

Because woman conceived when Pleasures are shared.

Earth's Children were blessed. The could rest. 

Reading this horrendous poem one time in an over seven hundred word tome, is not necessarily a bad thing but reading it repeatedly because for some bizarre reason, Auel was determined that readers be beat over the head with her creation myth is just not forgivable. I perhaps could have gotten over the poem that just wouldn't end if Auel didn't decide to send Ayla on a tour of supposed sacred caves. On Ayla's first trip in, I read through the speculation as to why there were paintings on the cave walls, as well as justifications as to why said cave was supposedly sacred (note: because of echos apparently) and I really was fine with it but by about the tenth cave I was done. I found myself begging for mercy. How many times does one have to read about how amazing the long forgotten artist was or how important it was to create an echo to prove sacredness? Give it a rest already.  By the half way point, anytime they entered a cave I started skimming for the sake of my own sanity. 

American Horror Story, Season 7 (Cult), Episode 8: Winter of Our Discontent

The EU produces about 167,000,000 hectolitres of wine per year. It is not enough. Dear goddess Cersei, it is not nearly enough booze for me to endure this episode. There is just so much wrong with this episode that I don’t even think it’s worthwhile of commentary. It defies commentary, it defies analysis - it’s just one ridiculous madlib of nonsense

We begin with an attempt to keep reasonably on topic with Kai being visited by his brother Vincent the psychiatrist who sees his army of minions and express how very very very impressed he is by his little brother and what he’s building. Honest.

That army of misogynists is now eating in Ivy’s restaurant, treating all the women life servants - as all of them have been drafted to cook because having women make men sandwiches is about how much thought this show puts into portraying misogyny. Beverley is duly disgusted, we learn that Kai has used his council-powers to get that private army funded as well - just throwing that in there for reasons. Winter is still a Kai loyalist and insists that she can get through to her beloved brother. Which means we need a flashback.

Yup so, some time ago, Winter and Kai were entertaining themselves by internet trolling and being typical Pepe-profiled awful people. Another awful person finds them and invites them to come to his house of Judgement. Now who doesn’t accpet invitations from random creepy people on the internet

He has a horror house which is basically one of those Christian Hell Houses which decides to take haunted houses and throw lots of small minded judgement at them - so you can be duly terrified by a medically inaccurate depiction of abortion or gay people existing. Only this is real with actual tortured people. Kai takes exception to this and frees the people and murders the guy; saving Winter in the process. Yay? Does not support Saw-style murder houses? Should I applaud. Of course even this is made terrible because the three victims are then declared to be “innocent”: the woman wasn’t getting an abortion, she was at Planned Parenthood for an IUD. The drug user was in rehab getting off the drugs. And the gay man was actually volunteering at an AIDS clinic (which seems to suggest the pastor has, like the other two, assumed he was gay rather than him actually being gay). This is terrible because it’s like the writers felt they NEEDED to absolve these victims at this point - like a woman who had an abortion, a gay man, a man with AIDS and/or a drug addict wouldn’t be worthy of saving.

What was the point of this flashback? To explain Kai? Didn’t we already do that with the dead parents?

So to present, Winter goes to Kai to try and reconcile and Kai declares that they need a messiah for his cult because their work will take generations - and Winter will be the mother

Zoo, Season 3, Episode 13: The Barrier

This is the last episode of this season and oh dear gods, guys, I honestly can’t even begin to describe my reaction. Relieved that this is over for at least a season but so damn angry at how damn ridiculous this plot is. I mean the whole season has been a ridiculous problem of endless awful decisions made by people with the intelligence of slime mold coupled with vast plot holes that don’t even begin to make sense but ye gods this may set an award.

So, deep breath - let’s get through this.

Basically the team now has their beacon-turning-off-switch except it doesn’t work. Of course not. Instead Mitch has to use his genius mind with what they have to make a plan b - turn off ALL the Beacons but supercharge the St. Louis Beacon. This will cause all the hybrids to charge to the Beacon which Mitch thinks is fine because that would mean charging through the barrier which is designed to be anti-hybrid so they have a chance to work out how to shut this down (or he does - since Duncan designed them - and Duncan is him) while the wall holds.

It kind of makes sense - if we assume there are absolutely no nests anywhere in the Americas at all. So let’s assume that’s true because REASONS. Let’s face it, it’s hardly the worst logical leap Zoo has made.

After all the requisite shouting and everyone being super angry at Mitch for saving the world and them discussing having to blast the St Louis Beacon (as opposed to it and many many more… because no-one here makes sense), the IADG plans a desperate last defence against the waves of Hybrids, dying and losing ground constantly in a last ditch effort to protect the power supply (Jaime decides to nobly stay with Mitch to help him rather than, y’know, go with the soldiers, Abe and Dariela and fight to the last person. She’s noble like that. Real noble).

But can we address this whole defence? This wall has guns. Not even lights to help them see in the dark. No mines. No artillery. Where’s the US airforce? The hybrids are all razorbacks - planes could literally be flying the length of the wall carpet bombing the horde. In fact why haven’t they been flying over hybrid territory doing that for the last 10 years? How come the US with all of its vast vast military resources can’t do better than a few guys with machine guns?!

And what is this wall made of? How are they breaking through? They’re big dogs, what are they doing to a concrete barrier? And how are they starting fires?! Why did no-one engage some minimal thinking when putting together this plot?

American Horror Story, Season 7 (Cult), Episode 2: Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

Time of the second episode of this hot mess. On the plus side it can’t get any worse

On the minus side; I just said that so now feel vaguely responsible for the awfulness I must now endure. Hey if I’m going to be punished like this I suppose I should have done something wrong.

So we begin an hour of Sarah Paulson screaming and my gods American Horrror Story first Lang, then Bassett, now Paulson - how many more actors I like are you going to turn into sources of irritation for me? And we have an important political message: fear turns people into monsters

It’s possibly you may miss it - or so the writers think - because they hit us with the same subtlety of being bludgeoned to death with a sledgehammer.

We open with Ally having a clown moment deciding there are murderous evil clowns in the house and Ivy being either gullible enough or kind enough to treat this seriously and not act like Ally is hallucinating.

Of course the clowns aren’t there.

Oz is also having nightmares about clowns - and Winter continues to mess with him. She plays the same “honesty tell your fears” tactics that Kai abuses her with and among other things advises Oz that if he can’t tell if he’s in a dream or not he should ask.

His nightmares also ruin Ally and Ivy’s sexy time.

We also have new neighbours who start to freak out the already constantly freaked out Ally even more. They’ve moved in while the blood of the last residents still stains the carpets. Also they keep bees so we can be reminded of Ally’s fear of holes and move in big barrels which makes Ally extra paranoid. Harrison and Meadow conveniently decide to info dump their entire lives in one painful convoluted splurge. With added awfulness: Meadow stereotypes her new lesbian neighbours. Also Harrison is a gay man who married Meadow because gods alone know why, apparently 35 year old gay men and 35 year old cancer surviving women decide to marry because reasons and she throws in gay snark as well. yay.

To sum up the rest: she’s survived skin cancer, he’s a gun nut (and parroting shallow nonsense about Obama and the second amendment), they’re Nicole Kidman fans and they’ve had financial troubles. Also he talks about Hives being the ultimate society because there are no individuals only The Greater Good. Which is more Unsubtle politics.

The Mist Season One, Episode Ten: The Tenth Meal

I don't know about you but at this point, I feel entitled to an award for surviving The Mist. Who could have thought that ten short episodes could be filled with so much homophobia and rape culture?  I have to hand it to the writers for outdoing themselves on this one.

So everything this season has been building up to dealing with Alex's rape and discovering the origin of the mist.  It's a sign of just how virulent rape culture is that Alex's rape is juxtaposed to the mist. At any rate, it's sort of fitting that the mall is the site of the confrontation because the mall is the first location where people lost their minds, long before there was a reason to.

When we last left Adrian, he was placed into a room with Alex, Eve and Jay. Adrian watches the interaction between Jay and Alex and once again his jealousy kicks in.  Eve is adamant that she has to protect Alex from Jay and Adrian uses that as his excuses to beat Jay down with a fire extinguisher. Adrian yells that he has proof Jay raped Alex and promptly lies, claiming that at the hospital he saw the results of the rape kit.

Kevin has made his way into the mall and seen some of the ensuing chaos for himself. As Kevin makes his way through the mall, he runs into Mia, who is looking for Bryan. Mia is happy to see Kevin and explains that the only reason they left is that they were told he was shot in the head.  Kevin reveals that it was Adrian who raped his daughter.  Kevin and Mia decide to split up to continue to search the mall and then regroup.

When we last left Bryan he'd been restrained and saluted by Wes.  Wes explains that he was told to be careful and that's why he chose to restrain Bryan.  It turns out that Bryan is Wes's commanding officer and so he pulls rank in order to get Wes to free him. Wes explains that they've got to get back to the base and that Bryan will learn who he really is then and exactly what is going on with the mist. While Bryan really wants to know who he is and why he was tortured, he's conflicted by his budding relationship with Mia.  It's Wes who points out that he's known Bryan for 8 years whereas Bryan has only known Mia for 5 days.  Mia walks in and tells Bryan that Kevin is alive and that they need his help to find Alex.  Okay, it's decision time for Bryan.  Promising that he will find her somehow, Bryan says that he has to leave with Wes to find out who he is.  Bryan backs out of the room slowlym apologising the whole way.

Connor has made it to the mall with Nathalie and they agree that it is Connor who will approach the residents of the mall because they don't know that Nathalie survived the Mist.  Connor's appearance initially raises the hopes of the residents of the mall because they think that he's there to rescue them. Connor disappoints them all when he says that he's just looking for his son. Gus takes Connor to his office and the tension between the two men is palpable. Gus talks about wanting Eve and Alex our of the mall and how when this is over they may all have to confront doing some horrible things while taking note of Connor's bloodied knife.  At this point all Connor wants is to get to Jay and so he makes it clear that whatever has happened is not his concern.

Gus takes Connor to the room where Eve, Adrian, Alex and Jay are locked up. Eve immediately begins to plead with Connor for his help but Connor is only interested in Jay.  Connor leads Jay to a waiting Nathalie. Jay wants to go back and rescue Eve and Alex but Connor keeps telling Jay that they cannot do that and that Jay has to trust him.  Jay is clearly suspicious but he loves his father and so does not flee.  Connor tells a crying Jay how much he loves him and that whatever happened wasn't his fault.  Finally, Connor pushes Jay outside and locks the door behind him.  Jay bangs on the door and pleads but when he gets no answer, he runs into the mist.  Connor and Nathalie wait but of course, the mist doesn't disappear.  Nathalie says that maybe the Mist hasn't take Jay yet and that they just have to wait. Connor begins to cry and Nathalie comforts him by saying that she's so proud of him and that grief is a beautiful thing.

It finally happens, Kevin has his big confrontation with Adrian in a paint shop. Kevin reminds Adrian about what he said he would do when he found the person who raped his daughter.  Kevin continues to beat Adrian, as Adrian begs him to stop.  Finally, Adrian plays the only trump card that he can - Adrian knows where Eve and Alex are being kept.  Mia arrives and draws Kevin's attention away from Adrian momentarily. Mia reports that Bryan has left with the military to figure out his identity. I guess we are not supposed to question how it is that Mia knows that Wes is a soldier.  While Kevin is distracted, Adrian uses the paint to start a fire, creating a barrier between him and Kevin. Kevin still wants to go after Adrian but Mia encourages to stop worrying about Adrian for now.

The Mist, Season One, Episode Ten: The Law of Nature

I think that this episode should have been called everyone on this show is horrible to some degree and deserving to meet individual mist monsters, including the writers themselves.  Almost from the beginning, the writers have been determined to escalate the fear of this show, often sacrificing plot to do so and this episode fits in with that objective. 

The Mall

The mall is the first location in which we saw people lose their ever loving minds when they decided to exile Vic.  With supplies running short and only one day of food left, the tension has increased. Gus is desperate to try and maintain control but Shelly is attempting to wrest it from him. Gus tries to sympathise by saying he cannot imagine Shelly's pain at losing a child but makes it clear that he thinks that she has become unstable.  For her part, Shelly is attempting to weaponise the people against Alex while playing up on her grieving. 

The only authority that Gus really has is that he is the manger. Given the shortness of supplies, Gus tries to rally the people into going on a supply run but there are few options near by and Kyle rightfully points out that even if they leave the mall, there's no guarantee that anyplace they go hasn't already been looted. 

Things come to a head for Gus when his secret stash of food is discovered by none other than Shelly.  This is the break that Shelly has been looking for to finally be able to usurp Gus's authority and to get the residents of the mall to go after Alex, who she blames for surviving the mist monster while her child died. 

As for Alex, she is busy getting her flirt on with Jay, who it seems has managed to convince her by virtue of his cuteness and his heroically burned hands that he isn't responsible for raping her.  Alex and Jay even share a kiss which Shelly witnesses. Shelly of course reports on the kiss and talks about how Alex through a wedge in the town by accusing Jay of rape yet now is kissing him. Do I really need to say that judging how a rape survivor responds to her assault is problematic? Shelly has spent quite a good deal of time slut shaming both Alex and Eve.

 Eve becomes increasingly upset watching as Alex and Jay get closer and so she devises a plan to separate them in order to protect her daughter. Jay is sent into a secluded room to gather some water, only to find himself locked inside by Eve.  Eve must have had a moment of generosity because not only did she leave Jay with enough water but he has magazines, toilet paper and a bed. 

Knowing that hiding food is going to get him exiled just like Vic, Gus bashes Shelly over the head killing her.  As blood pours out of Shelly's wound, Gus calls out for help.  When people arrive to find Shelly dead, they are quick to blame Gus, despite his claims of innocence. After being punched several times and witnessing the mob mentality which is developing, Gus blames Alex for Shelly's death claiming that he saw her running away from the scene of the crime. 

The Church

Nathalie is playing all mysterious religious figure.  Nathalie explains that she is waiting for a sign before returning to the mist.  It's Nathalie's belief that the Mist wants something to right the violence because the last time that the mist appeared it was after a young girl was assaulted.  

Connor is actually relieved that it was Nathalie and not Father Romanov who returned. Connor explains that Romanov presided over his marriage, as well as ran the funeral service for his departed wife.  Connor developed a strong dislike for Romanov when he implied that Connor's wife died because Connor wasn't faithful in his prayers to God.  I'd say that's a pretty damn good reason to have resentment. Connor's next confession is his belief that Jay is actually guilty of raping Alex. Connor feels that because he wasn't the type of father that Jay needed and didn't teach him a proper moral code that Jay is guilty. That's a big huge leap to make on Connor's part but Nathalie is more than willing to go with it because she is looking to make a sacrifice to nature and Jay fits the bill. Nathalie decides that they need to leave the church and head to the mall so that they can sacrifice Jay to appease nature and quite surprisingly Connor doesn't object to his son being the sacrifice.

The Mist, Season One, Episode Five: The Waiting Room

We are now officially half way through the season and at this point, I think the writers have absolutely given up on the series.  I cannot for the life of me see the point of The Mist.  The rules constantly shift to allow the ensemble cast to do things that others cannot and then we have the whole hey fog has landed on the town, everyone panic before we know for certain that anything is really wrong.

Kevin and his entourage make it to the hospital because Bryan has been shot in the leg.  The minute they arrive, they are asked if the military has been called in or any other outside forces to deal with the mist. Yes, just like everyone else, the people in the hospital are in full on panic mode.  We don't even really know why. Bryan is taken for treatment and as they wait to find out whether or not he is going to survive, Mia takes the time to blame this all on Kevin.  It seems that she believes they wouldn't be in this position if Kevin had just shot Clay in the first place.  Kevin however feels that they aren't at the place yet and has not accepted this brave new world they are supposedly all living in.  His denial makes more sense than Mia's let's just kill everything because really, they've all run through the mist and been just fine. 

Even though the last Kevin heard from his family they were hiding out at the mall, he decides to do a little tour of the hospital showing pictures of his family to see if they are there. This is when Kevin comes across his older brother who just conveniently happens to be there.  When the Mist rolled in, Mike was working outdoors when he was set upon by a group of teens, who just so happened to know things about Mike they shouldn't have.  This experience makes Mike doubt his senses.  Mike is dying and will probably die of an infection because the doctor is unable to get to the surgical ward because some of the mist has made its way inside of the hospital.  The best that Mike can hope for at this time is to put out of his misery but Kevin absolutely refuses to euthanize his brother. 

Kevin's big deal is that he is driven to save people and this is why he isn't willing to give up on his brother.  And how does Kevin's saviour narrative express itself? Why through a flashback of course. We go back to Kevin and Eve setting up house to learn the source of the animosity between Kevin and Mike.  Proving that the writers can be cliche as fuck, it's Eve who comes between them. We first learned that Eve had slept with a lot of men in town when she was accused of being a slut by her daughter.  Mike also makes such aspersions when he snarks about his surprise that Eve settled down with Kevin, making Eve upset.

Eve and Kevin have some honeymoon sex, with Eve encouraging Kevin to go harder and faster, shocking Kevin.  This of course leads to the revelation about Eve's past and about part of her still being that girl. Eve then reveals exactly what Mike meant by his less than cryptic comments, spurring Kevin to promise to kick his brother's ass.  Eve however chose Kevin because he's not the alpha male violent bad boy she's been attracted to in the past and has reached a stage where she no longer wants to be saved.  

Crimson Death (Anita Blake #25) by Laurell K Hamilton

Dear gods. I’m almost stunned. This is gonna be a long one.

This was, quite frankly, the worst Anita Blake book of the entire series. Yes, I’m aware of the very rocky road of this series. I have followed it from its early moments of awesome as it careened every downwards, occasionally showing sparkles of hope but ultimately plunging deeper into the abys and hitting rock bottom and then positively wallowing there

Well, this book went deeper. At rock bottom it pulled out mining equipment and made a spirited effort to reach the centre of the earth. And may have achieved it. If I was not already 25 books into this series I would have DNFed this book so hard, formatted my tablet, exorcised said tablet, burned it and then scattered the ashes over at least 3 different bodies of water. I honestly don’t even know where to begin because there’s just so. Much. Awful.

Ok, let’s start with the rapetastic, misogynist, homophobic shitstorm that is Damian, his partner Cardinale and this utter trainwreck of awful

Firstly, we have to remember that all women in this series are terrible if they are not Anita. Oh, since the very very very straight Anita who is still straight decided to start having sex with women in the straightest way possible there are some female names following Anita around pretending to be full characters while fawning and serving but not exactly existence (And, hey, I’m generous about calling Anita Blake characters, characters-I’ve even accepted Micah as a character rather than a walking penis). Fortune, Echo, Magda – they’re just names that drift around behind her without actually doing anything – which is lucky for them

Because when we actually have a woman? They become a parody of awfulness – Cardinale is presented as utterly irredeemable, unreasonable, incapable of being professional or mature or sensible. Her every attitude is treated as utterly unacceptable – the idea the she actually wants a monogamous relationship with Damian is considered not to be love but “obsessive jealousy” (this applies to anyone who wants monogamy in this series because Laurell K Hamilton has decided this is a sign of deep emotional damage and evil); she is violent, emotional, uncontrollable – and literally says she would rather Damian be dead than with anyone else. She commits the unforgiveable sin of decorating their shared room with flower prints (how dare she be so female!). She also literally loses her shit because Damian has the temerity to LOOK at other women and feed on them (he is a vampire, she is a vampire). She is incapable of doing her job properly because she can’t stop stalking Damian.

Oh and she’s thin because she’s starving – just in case you thought for a second Anita was saying something almost complementary about her. And in case we weren’t clear we have this:

Cardinale is like the ultimate drama queen, an extreme girl. Let’s not be subtle about the misogyny, let’s just lay it out there.

Of course Anita, we’re reminded repeatedly, is “one of the guys” and Damian, a man who is literally a thousand years old, says “You don’t think like any woman I’ve ever met”. She’s not like those other terribad awful women, guys! Don’t worry!

She also coins the phrase “girl trap”. This is when terrible, manipulative, awful, emotional, unstable woman asks mean unfair questions of her long suffering man who cannot possibly give a good answer so is being set up for an argument. She uses this phrase a lot.

So having established that Damian’s long term monogamous girlfriend is the absolute worst, we throw in some woo-woo reason why Damian absolutely has to have lots of sex with other people (monogamy is evil!) and we run into the next great trainwreck of this book – rape.

Damian agrees to sleep with (non sexually) Anita and Nathaniel because of their woo-woo bonds which means if he doesn’t he gets terrible nightmares (remember, this is the series where if you don’t consent to all the sexy times, the magic will force it on you and absolutely no-one is allowed to ever say no to sex). Nathaniel is bisexual (this book, it tends to alternate depending on the author’s mood) and wants to have sex with Damian – Damian is described as “very heterosexual” and “homophobic” because he doesn’t want to have sex with men (yes, as we’ve seen repeatedly before, while Laurel K Hamilton is happy to include the shit storm of homophobia we’ve seen repeatedly, and continually degrade and demean gay men and lesbians, she also thinks homophobia means “not wanting to have sex with your own gender”. Which is, y’know, what “heterosexual” actually means.) So to get past that hurdle Damian borrows Anita’s magic to mind control Damien to having sex with him.

Let’s repeat that – Nathaniel uses magic to rape Damian. Not only rape him but he uses this magic to change Damian’s sexual orientation so he’s bisexual (for Nathaniel only – of course – because these books never deal with LGBTQ orientation, only as a fetish – which I’ll come to).

Anita’s concern about all this? Is how hot she finds two men together – and concern about the lack of using condoms. They don’t have the slightest concern that Damian has just been raped and his sexual orientation magically converted (which is revolting and terrifying).

What’s almost ironic is through this Anita has finally acknowledged that the Mother of All Darkness raped her and several weretigers by mind controlling them with mystical woo-woo and into an orgy they don’t remember. Excellent that this is finally acknowledged as rape and Anita has issues form that, especially about having sex with the men who were involved – except we go from that to her cozying up with Micah who raped her on first meeting and no-one even coming close to acknowledging that Nathaniel did the same thing in this very book to Damian and Anita, including forcing Damian to completely discard his sexual orientation – and there’s not even a second of acknowledgement of this even while labelling the previous rape. How can someone not draw the comparisons?

Of course Damian isn’t mad or upset or even slightly perturbed by this because why would he be about a rape that Anita is getting off on? He even recriminates himself for daring to have issues about having sex with another man (how dare he not wanting to have sex with someone he’s not attracted to!)

We end up with Nathaniel being sad that Damien may be angry with him so Damien gives his rapist a hug – and then keeps on hugging and comforting him. He even strips off in front of Nathaniel, his rapist, to turn him on. And he says this:

“I love that you both want me”

This. Is. His. Rapist. Not one day after the rape and he’s stripping off in front of him and saying how much he loves that his rapist is turned on by his naked body.

Anita notes “I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen him so relaxed and happy before”.

Hahaha, yes isn’t it wonderful how rape and mind control totally help with centuries of abuse! Dear gods I need a drink with this… Damian has been RAPED INTO HAPPINESS aaarglebaaargleeeaaaaar

We also continue the theme of no-one having a right to say no to sex. See, Jean-Claude is concerned about sexual contact with Cynric because when he joined them he was under 17 and he’s still under 20 – Jean-Claude sees him as a child an even calls him “nephew” because that’s how he envisages that relationship (which I prefer to Anita’s “I’m having sex with this boy and also going to parent’s evenings as his guardian at school” approach. Because uckies uckies uckies). Well clearly Jean-Claude has to get over that because how dare he have sexual reservations about anyone?! Nope that is now allowed in the Anitaverse so we have an awful scene of them bringing Cynric into a foursome with Jean-Claude, Anita and Nicky – because Jean-Claude cannot have any boundaries, no-one can.

Oh and Nicky – he’s still a “bride” of Anita – which means he’s a slave who not only has to what Anita wants but literally exists to make her happy. He can feel her emotions and is driven to make her happy – which goes beyond slavery and completely removes any capacity for consent. And, yes, of course she’s having sex with him.

Let’s look at the homophobia of this book because ye gods it keeps on getting worse. Nathaniel justifies his rape of Damian in that straight men are totally fine with other guys giving them oral sex or if they’re the top in anal sex.

She’s also laid the groundwork for future straight people being forced into sex for her amusement – members of Harlquinn are losing their powers unless they have a sexual relationship with Jean-Claude and co. To keep their power, they have to have accept sexual useage AGAIN. More compromised sexual consent, more sex between people of the same gender who are most definitely straight straight straight.

This all just really sums up how Laurell K Hamilton treats sex between people of the same gender – it’s never a matter of LGBTQ identity, never a matter of attraction and rarely about relationship. Sex between 2 men or 2 women is a fetish that straight people engage in. She reduces being LGBTQ to being a kink – this is even more clear when she degrades and demeans gay men and lesbians as “conservative” or even prides (and even straight in previous books) because they won’t have sex with the opposite gender. The only remaining gay characters she has are not even really present in this book – we have Jade, a lesbian, who has been completely demeaned and sidelined because she won’t have sex with men and she’s portrayed as damaged and broken. And Kane is just an evil jealous monster standing in the way of Asher being properly redeemed and accepting how awful he is. In fact, this looks like Asher’s path to redemption back to lady-loving and Anita: kick out and turning on the gay man he loves.