Thursday, October 18, 2018

A Discovery of Witches: Season 1, Episode 5

I am never going to get used to this title card.

Diana is still in France with Ysabeau and she HASN’T had a tragic accident falling down all those stairs yet. I know I was surprised too. Ysabeau, you are not creative.

Instead she decides to try and scare Diana off by taking her hunting and have Diana watch her kill a fox for blood. For she is a vampire RAWR. Honestly it’s… not horrifying? I mean she could have killed say, a deer and wrapped the entrails round her neck like a stole and covered her face in blood. This was… really clean and quite neat? “THIS IS THE REALITY YOU WILL LIVE WITH IF YOU’RE WITH MY VAMPIRE SON!” uh-huh, I know rich people in silly clothes here in England who are waaaaay more evil when hunting foxes than Ysabeau.

Unshockingly, lack of vegetarianism does not send Diana running for the hills. So Ysabeau decides to tell her of Matthew’s human life 1500 years ago when he had a wife and child who died of fever and he may have actually committed suicide in response. She sired him when she found him dying and he was all ragy and savage. She is convinced that Matthew has not mated since then because he’s not over this human who died in medieval times. Look, not to  destroy a good true love narrative, but someone who is grieving for fifteen centuries needs therapy. That’s not healthy. Oh Ysabeau doubles down -  Diana is also mortal and will die and leave him all sad and tragic.

Ysabeau is pulling zero punches here. No it doesn’t work… can we remember that this epic love is based on about 2 weeks acquaintence?

Marthe also tells Diana how awesomely powerful she is but, in a moment of almost insightful thinking, Diana isn’t excited about this because it’s basically even more power she can’t control. This is a good insight. Now she needs to actually do something about it

Also she needs to tell these vampires to get the hell out of her bathroom while she’s bathing.

Diana calls her aunts to catch up and ask why she wasn’t told about the Congregation and the Covenant to have the excellent response that how could they when she resists all mention of magic. Fair point. She also tells her aunts she loves the vampire she hasn’t known for a month yet, which her aunts thinks this is a very very bad idea. Diana insists that they must surely understand

To which her lesbian aunts should get on a plane to France right then so they can personally slap her upside the head for that completely uncalled for dig at their relationship and comparing marrying a vampire to marrying another woman. Discovery of Witches, you’ve put your lesbians safely on a different continent, don’t make it even worse.

In Oxford Matthew checks his lab and finds nothing stolen - but does smell out the witch who broke in. It’s Gillian - and he hunts her down. She doesn’t really explain herself beyond “vampires are awful, RAWR!” so he bites her and drains her blood (which also gets her memories of what she saw) and steals her phone which had photographs of his lab. Gillian staggers with extreme severe blood loss to Sylvia’s house

Miriam is not happy with Matthew for drawing all this attention to him with his witch mating - because everyone knows this is happening. Yes he’s not been subtle. But Matthew is sure that it wasn’t about his lab - but about Diana’s samples. Because it has to about Diana it seems. Personally I think the witches may be more interested in the fact he’s illicitly examining their DNA after digging up their ancestor’s bodies. I mean they might have issues with this… which isn’t exactly… out there?

Marcus is equally concerned about this witch love and calls Baldwin, head of their family and Congregation to explain what’s happening but how he’s totally sure Matthew has it together. Baldwin not so much and is pretty sure that Matthew will drag them all down and he absolutely cannot help him. He’s not making politics easy and there’s not a lot of good will on the Congregation

At the Congregation, Knoxx is freaked out about Matthew experimenting on witch DNA - but is pretty blase about him attacking Gillian because a) he doesn’t want his fellow Congregation witches to learn that he put her up to breaking into his lab and b) while having sex with a witch is super bad, nearly killing her is totally ok so long as she broke into your home first

This is actually really consistent as the whole Congregation is very respectful of each others’ territory. In fact, when Knoxx suggests “rescuing” Diana and sending in multiple Creatures (even Agatha and the demons are tired of this nonsense and want it sorted) to collect her Baldwin can veto it simply because it’s his home and he’s not having them invade. He will grab her

Satu suggests to Knoxx that she use some big bad dark magic to “open” Diana. Which Knoxx objects to because it will a) likely kill Diana and b) likely corrupt the one who casts this. It’s a very very bad idea. And yes, Knoxx, is still treating Satu as a servant. She also suggests allying with Gerbert since it’s clear the vampire really really hates Mathew as well - but Knoxx hates all vampires. And Gerbert is rumoured to have kept a witch enthralled for centuries

Which would explain the decapitated prophet head he has in his box. It keeps repeating its prophecy of the witch with the Blood of the Lion and the Lamb - which is definitely Diana. And that they’re two - light and dark. This could almost be a mystery but we’re actually following Satu while the head recites this so we’re not having these silly mystery things. Apparently they will “destroy the children of the night.” Why even try to be mysterious when it’s this obvious?

Satu decides to visit Gerbert anyway - which is likely a bad idea.

But there is a third player in the world -the demons. And Matt has managed to arrange a meet up with the dispossessed demons as he always wanted. They’re openly talking about revealing themselves to humans and generally bonding. But Matt is interrupted by Sophie - who has had another prophetic dream and she has to speak to Agatha about it including revealing her big dark secret (I’m going to guess she’s half demon half something else) which is bad but vital in order to get her statue to Diana. Which matters for some reason… This needs to become relevant soon. In fact I want to know way more about the demons

So with all his magic and politics going on Matthew is… seeing his demon friend to discuss how much he loves Diana (said demon is in a relationship with a human and gets away with it because no-one gives a shit about demons or humans). Because she’s clever (yes) and funny (is she? When?) and a man who hasn’t had a real relationship for 1500 is enthralled after a few weeks. Also he fears her learning about his past

Because there has to be a dark past. It’s a rule. We know this.

Matthew does some more science with Diana’s blood and is super super super excited by what he finds and hurries to her side as soon as he can. But before he talks science to her she demands he tell her how he feels - that he loves her. That Ysabeau has totally prepared her for what it means to love a vampire

Hey I don’t normally do relationship advice - but do not do not DO NOT ask your partners if they love you after 4 weeks acquaintance.

Matthew is as obsessed as her and they kiss all loving. I think that hand holding may be a mating as well. Ysabeau goes from “horrible woman, I’m plotting how to eat your skin!” to “you’re my daughter now! Together we will gladly feast on those who would subdue us!”

She’s still worried though as the Congregation will be coming for them - and she thinks Diana really needs to get her magic mojo working

Speaking off - those special DNA results. It turns out Diana has ALL THE POWERS EVER. Who didn’t see this coming? She’s still iffy with magic since her parents were persecuted for their pow---

Wait no they weren’t. They were murdered by witches, remember? That was the plot twist a couple of episodes ago? Are you having memories issues Diana?

They kiss again, discuss “bundling” which Diana isn’t having because it’s 2018 and she wants to get her some. But he’s self conscious because he’s been scarred over her very very long existence and she’s all reassuring as she takes off his shirt and slowly reveals… a… largely unmarked torso? I think they’re going for an Outlander moment but I have worse scars than that…

They have sex and are all happy. So the next morning Diana goes for a walk and is kidnapped…

It could be by Baldwin, Satu, Knox, Gerbert - or even Juliette because Dominico has just  told her that Matthew has a new lover - and Juliette is not having that...