American Horror Story, Season 3, Episode 2: Boy Parts

A couple of men are boating through the swamps hunting alligators – and getting quite a large haul. Apparently this is illegal so they’re a bit nervous when they return to their camp of dead gators and find a strange woman there – it’s Misty, she-who-was-burned-to-death-but-apparently-got-better. She doesn’t like alligator hunting and brings the poor innocent creatures back to life. And they promptly eat the hunters.

Nomnomnom credits.

At the Academy it’s morning – and Zoe is looking up lots and lots of articles about poor poor Kyle was almost a saint and totally didn’t deserve to die and Madison, who probably doesn’t need a guilt trip about not being careful enough in her post-rape revenge – has little sympathy for the man whose frat brothers raped her.

Fiona has Madam LaLaurie tied up in her room because she wants to know why the centuries old woman who was buried alive isn’t actually dead, somewhat hindered by her screaming in panic at being kidnapped, at the phone ringing and likely various other 21^st century things

Time for a flashback to Queenie’s past with her selling fried chicken and getting into a dispute about the number of pieces of chicken she gave a customer. He insults her weight and she uses her voodoo doll power and plunges her arm in a vat of hot oil. This caused quite a stir as the man was horrendously burned but the police couldn’t prove anything – it did bring her to the attention of the Academy though.

Queenie didn’t want to join the Academy because she’s only ever seen media depictions of White witches and never applied the idea to her. She’s descended from Tituba (yes, witches = Salem, it is known). Madison opens her mouth and Queenie gets angry – Cordelia tries to tell them to stick together in fear of their many enemies… and some police arrive.

Well, on the plus side, Cordelia, it underscores the “many enemies” point. The police question Zoe and Madison on the bus flip and the death in the hospital (since it’s very similar to another death in Zoe’s past). Zoe cracks and starts babbling about witches (really?)

Fiona arrives and sends the girls out – (“are you in charge here?” “I’m in charge everywhere.” She does have some awesome lines). She enchants some water, forces them to drink it and messes with their minds, problem solved.

Madison is busy berating Zoe about being a complete fool when Fiona arrives to slam them into walls. It seems to be her problem solving method of choice. Zoe protests that the police just knew so much and Fiona has the second awesome line of the night “I couldn’t toast a piece of bread with the heat they were putting on you.”  She goes on about the inherent superiority of witches, of standing together and that the only thing they really need to fear is Fiona.

The Secret Circle, Season 1, Episode 19: Crystal

So we begin this week with the search for the crystals so they can defeat the witch hunters once and for all! And to achieve this, Faye (with help from, of course, Melissa) is searching her house to see where her mother (Dawn, Evil Parent #1) is hiding the family crystal. Instead she finds a journal that talks about Dawn’s affair with John Blackwell, Cassie’s father (Evil Parent #3).

Back at the Scooby Den we have more discussion about the dangers of the witch hunters, the power of the crystal (and that they can be drained). The Elders know where the crystals are but John believes the Elders won’t help because they’d never trust the kid’s circle since they did strip the parents of their magic. So it’s time to split into groups and search some old people’s homes

Cassie also hopes that John and Jane – Cassie’s grandmother – will get along all happy families like. Since John used magic to plant a false story in Jane’s brain it seems unlikely he is that invested in a joyous reunion. Meeting Jane back at the house, she’s similarly unenthusiastic about John.

Melissa’s grandmother has many many crystals – so she and Adam have to sift through them (while Diana is with Grant – Pointless Aussie Liar guy). At Jake’s grandfather’s Cassie, Jake and Faye are told that the family considers the grandfather “crazy” and her has many many locks on his door (he is called Royce and will hereby be known as “Mentally Ill Elder #3” since Diana’s grandmother has already claimed “Mentally Ill Elder #1” and Jane is currently auditioning for Mentally Ill Elder #2”. Not like this show follows patterns or anything, is it?). They magically break in anyway and find stacks upon stacks of papers – and a conspiracy wall – which is like a wall collage for people who think Alien Elvis Shot JFK while making crop circles.  And he has a list of their names and birthdates on the Conspiracy Wall – which is wonderfully reassuring, I’m sure.

Royce catches them, doesn’t believe Jake is Jake and throws a desk at them – of course, it’s 3 Circle witches against 1 witch so they pass it back again which is convincing apparently. But he thinks the Circles will kill them all. He gives them a history lesson – after the Salem witch trials (yes, of course they had to bring them up. You can’t have a programme about witches without invoking Salem) there were 3 Circles – 1 of which came to Chants Harbour (hadn’t they suffered enough?) but a Balcoin came to corrupt the Chants Harbour witches with black magic and forcing them into a confrontation with the Witch Hunters - and that he intended to corrupt the circle by having children (plural) with lots of dark magic. If he can corrupt all 3 Circles then he tips the balance and the war between good and evil (WHAT war between good and evil?) will be won by evil, end of the world, alarm etc. And he won’t give them his crystal because together they form a Crystal Skull which is the worstest weapon evah.

Faye reveals her mother’s affair to Cassie and Jake suggesting that she is the second Blackwell Child (and, therefore, Cassie’s half-sister). Sisterly feeling isn’t big though.

Meanwhile Callum (Evil Voodoo Drug Dealer) steals Royce’s map to his crystal because… I actually have no idea why, but he does. Melissa and Adam are sent to get the crystal before he does. Unfortunately down the mine Adam and Melissa find that it was an iron mine – which means magic won’t work

They get the crystal by Adam doing heroic things and Melissa worrying – but run into Callum carrying a gun. He wants to sell the crystal for a large amount of money. Melissa gives him a crystal to make him go away and the rest of the Scooby gang arrives. Callum tries to escape on a bike – Faye tries to stop him on her own to prove she has dark magic of her own but can’t – but Cassie comes and she can.

Charles (Evil Parent #2 – Diana’s father) meets with John (Evil Parent #3, Cassie’s father) to establish they dislike each other and that Charles blames John for his wife (Elizabeth’s) death and the whole disaster with the witch hunters that killed so many of the Parent Circle.

Charles follows this through by going to visit Jane – who is carving an anti-witch spell into a chair. They plan to kill John by sitting him on the anti-magic chair then using a Witch Cruet that Jane has prepared earlier to kill him. Jane, you have a knife. If you want to kill him you could do this thing we like to call “stabbing”. You’ll find when one has someone bound helplessly to a chair it’s actually really easy to do.

Anyway the plan works and while John is helpless and before they make with the Cruet killing, Jane decides she wants to know what really happened to Amelia (psst, it was Charles that did it). The crystal shows that John didn’t kill Amelia – and because of that Jane can’t bring herself to kill him. Charles can though and uses the Cruet – and it kills Jane! Surprise, John knew it was there and had already tampered with it (see? This is where stabbing is so much better). Showing himself as the most crafty one of all he makes Charles kneel with magic and makes it clear he’s alive because he’s useful.

Unnecessary Australian Guy, Grant, is still flirting with Diana. And, of course, she keeps running off when they’re supposed to be on a date and he is most displeased by this.

And Evil Voodoo drug dealer Callum is after Melissa. Melissa, I’d put in for a trade in for cute, awkward Australian liars – you got the worse end of the stick.