Divine Misfortune by A. Lee Martinez

Divine Misfortune is set in an alternate world where Gods make deals with humans;  in exchange for tribute, Gods provide humans the benefits of their area of specialty.  Phil and Terri live an average middle class existence but never really manage to move up the corporate ladder because unlike their coworkers, neither Phil or Terri have welcomed a God into their life.  When Phil is passed up for promotion yet again and his neighbour's lawn suddenly becomes perfect with the help of Demeter, Phil decides that it's time for him and Terri to pick a God.  With the multiple of Gods in human history -- this is not an easy task -- particularly when you have to pass a credit check to even look at Zeus's profile and Tyr demands the removal of a hand as proof of devotion.  After looking through the Gods on pantheon.com, Phil and Terri settle on Luka, the God of prosperity and good fortune.  Unlike the other Gods, Luka doesn't seem overly demanding and a safe bet to the risk adverse Terri and Phil but what they forgot, is that dealing with the divine is never as simple as it first seems.

Before they know it, Terri and Phil find themselves in the middle of a holy war between their personal deity Luka and Gorgoz "the ultimate embodiment of the chaos that birth the universe." And what are the two Gods fighting over? Well, a goddess of course.  There's nothing like a love triangle to keep immortality interesting.  If that isn't enough, Luka, who loves his Hawaiian shirts, decides to summarily move in and bring his friend Quetzalcoatl along for the ride. Getting though a typical day is hard enough but when you're dealing with God engaged in a holy war, a South American God filled with guilt for not dealing with the conquistadors, and a Goddess of love, now turned into the   Goddess of tragedy because centuries later, she's still not over being dumped, life can become complicated quickly.

You can probably tell from the description that there is a lot going on in Divine Misfortune, yet despite the twists and turns and the appearance of various Gods from assorted pantheons, the story never once feels confused.  Divine Misfortune is also infused with Martinez's great sense of humor and this makes the book at times laugh out loud funny.  After all, who wouldn't want to offer tribute to a God for some luck when informed that the in laws are coming for a visit, along with their multitude of children, particularly when one of the kids is going through a pyromaniac stage? With incidents like having an entire city's water supply being turned into grape soda as the result of an epic God showdown, all the world's pregnant dogs giving birth at once to winged puppies, Zeus and Mog giving out signed autographed photos and the Goddess of revenge giving boils to spurned lovers, Divine Misfortune is written to make you giggle, then laugh out loud until you have tears rolling down your face.  

In terms of gender, Divine Misfortune had three very strong characters female characters but Terri was by far my favourite, Terri, was so feminist, she refused to be saved by a man.  When Phil, Terri and  Bonnie, (who is forced to deal with the result of unwittingly becoming Syph, the goddess of tragedy number one sycophant), are confronted by gun men, who want to kill them as a tribute to Gorgoz, Phil decides to offer his life in trade for the two women.  Terri however is not at all impressed.

Phil stood and stepped between Eugene and his wife. “Kill me. But don’t shoot the women.”

“That’s some misogynistic bullshit.” Teri pushed him aside. “Kill me but let them go.”

“This isn’t a good time for feminism,” he replied.

“Says you.” She turned her eyes away from the guns trained on them. “You know how I feel about women and children first. It puts women in the same category as children. And I am not a child.”

“I wasn’t saying that. I was just trying to be noble.”

“Because it’s the man’s job to be noble,” she said, “and the woman’s job to—”

“Dammit, this is not the time to be having this discussion!”

Bonnie stood. “Shoot me. I’m the one who is going to die anyway. Might as well get it out of the way.”

“Excuse me,” said Eugene. “But this is an assassination, not a negotiation. You’re all going to get shot. There’s no way around that.”     

“Although, for the record, miss,” said Rick, “I agree with you that it’s chauvinistic nonsense." (pg117) 

When Phil later decides to trade himself Gorgoz to keep Terri safe, does not at all see the gesture as loving and supportive.

From Dusk Till Dawn: Season 1, Episode 10: The Take

In the middle of a mystical labyrinth trying to find the prize which will probably free Santanico, surrounded by people who want to kill them, Seth decides to confront Richie about killing their father. Because Priorities. Richie admits it and they get back to things while the Mob boss continues to be “colourful.” And, yes, Seth it is very very annoying. They shoot him – it’s very very satisfying

Going into the vault takes them into the tunnels under Santanico’s temple where they find a pot. Inside which is a snake which Richie swallows – the snake is full of Santanico’s blood and this is apparently a good thing

Seth is just lost and confused and has no idea what happened to his brother.

With the rest of the humans, Pastor Jacob faces off against his hissing, vampiric son while Freddie goes to find Katie – who is tied to an altar by Professor Sex Machine who intends to sacrifice her. She manages to free a hand and hit him when he gets even creepier over her – and Freddie jumps in. Sex Machine recognises him as a Tomi, a descendent of some really powerful warriors, hence his immunity to Santanico’s bite. Even when fighting for his life he has to dish out the exposition. Both Freddie and Katie stab Sex Machine at the same time; Katie saving Freddie.

Jacob talks to Scott – but it seems less about calming him down and more about making him accept that he’s evil and needing of death which isn’t very reassuring. He throws Scott onto an altar and prepares to stake him – when Scott says he was never really accepted as part of the family. Jacob is shocked and protests he just wants him to find peace in heaven – stabby time! But he can’t do it.

Scott wants them to be a family again – and bites Jacob. There’s one way of family togetherness!

Scott blames Jacob for his mother’s death – she was ill and Jacob just decided to leave it to god. Katie arrives then to dispute – he suffered for them and was a good dad (still not seeing how that changes what Scott said). He tries his recruitment pitch on Kate but she just screams at him and calls him a monster – Scott storms off. Jacob tells Katie that she and Scott need each other while still saying ominous things about “how it has to end”.

Either Jacob has to die for being a vampire – and so does Scott. Or Katie and Scott need each other. I think they’re mutually exclusive.

In the temple, Carlos brings out a chained up Narciso who taunts Santanico (who is still dressed!) and Seth and Richie arrive. Seth has decided to negotiate despite being the only human in the room; while vampires et al aren’t his thing, he does think he’s been cheated by the goal posts of his job moving quite excessively. He has a point. He wants a higher cut of the money, which is a problem because Santanico and Carlos are both very eager for the cash. It may even have worked – if Carlos hadn’t betrayed Santanico to Narciso and snuck his men into the room.

Seth changes sides again to side with Richie and Carlos makes a dramatic speech about loving Santanico and hits her when she claims she always loved him and he hates himself (really? She is the oldest vampire, she is the one who made him, but he can still slap her and she just clutches her cheek?)

He’s super jealous and Narciso’s minion injects venom into Richie’s neck while Carlos considers making Santanico his slave. Richie attacks – the venom doesn’t seem to do much. Santanico is hella pissed at being called a slave in her own temple – and grows giant wings as more minions of hers appear – women (just as Richie collapses from the venom – delayed reaction). Santanico chases Carlos as he drags Richie away – but she cannot leave the temple.#

That leaves Seth and Santanico to moan at each other good points from that is that while she has been imprisoned her whole life, she refuses to be called a victim. There’s also some about Seth not forgiving Richie over their father’s death and Santanico setting up Seth to compete with Carlos in between saying how scary the 9 lords are.

From Dusk Till Dawn, Season 1, Episode 9: Boxman

It’s Dusk Till Dawn, let’s start with a flashback, how very novel! This time all the way back to Seth and Richie as kids getting out of the house because their dad fell asleep while smoking and set it on fire – Seth wanted to help their burning dad, but Richie dragged him out, seeming quite happy to see his dad become a much more gruesome version of the human torch.

It’s part of the flashbacks that comes with Richie turning into a vampire – and that includes Santanico morphing into Monica and stabbing out his eyes – as he stabbed out hers.

Richie grows fangs, he doesn’t need his glasses any more and all his wounds heal. Perhaps more remarkably, Santanico actually puts on an item of clothing (it’s a robe over the bikini – I mean, there are LIMITS to the impossible).

Meanwhile the living humans finally make their way to the surface – and outside. Where Richie is walking to the RV with Santanico. Seth insists on going after Richie, though Jacob warns him that Seth probably isn’t Seth any more (and gives him a stake) while Katie, Jacob and Sex Machine stay back to look for Scott.

Seth enters the RV and pretends Richie is normal, looking for Santanico. Richie bares his fangs, moves in on Seth – and then another Richie (without glasses) appears behind first Richie and bludgeons him in the head.

Oooookay.

In the tunnels Katie and Jacob have a moment of understanding over Katie’s mother’s suicide and they run into Freddie. Who is STILL focused on killing Seth and Richie – that man is on a vengeance quest and he’s not letting a pesky thing like vampires get in the way. He tells them about Scott but Jacob and Katie insist on seeing for themselves, finally seeing innocents go into danger shakes the vengeance and he goes with them

In the RV, Seth would very much like Richie to explain these shenanigans. But while he doesn’t kill his brother, he refuses to listen and Seth charges out of the RV – into a giant empty hanger. Well, that’s unexpected. And Santanico (WEARING CLOTHES!!!) They’re in a labyrinth – a maze of the mind, put in place by the Lords of the Night, guarded by games and puzzles. It’s a prison – Santanico’s prison – and she’s been stuck in it for 500 years. And Seth can’t really say no to playing since there’s no other way out.

In addition to freeing Santanico, getting the centre of the Labyrinth (with games constructed from everyone’s memories which means yet more flashbacks) also means proving yourself worthy to the Lords of the Night. Worthy of what exactly remains to be seen. But first, Santanico has to leave or she would be cheating – she does, along with the RV.

The puzzle/game/flashback is a replica of the theft Seth tried that got him locked up – stealing from the vault of a Texan money launderer in a high class hotel he used as a front. We also find that Seth is carrying the money on him and Richie’s lack of injuries show he’s a vampire – he claims it was that or death and he’s not her slave, he’s still Seth’s brother.

From Dusk Till Dawn: Season 1, Episode 3: Mistress

We start with flashback – Seth in prison and not doing so well in a fight which Seth keeps fighting because the other guy keeps insulting his brother. Carlos visits him and sells him the dream of “El Rey”, a place in Mexico he and Richie and go and be protected, never having to worry about whoever after them. He’s not interested for himself – but for Richie? That’s tempting

In the present we see Carlos conducting business – which includes ripping out the throats of guys who try to con him with his huge vampire teeth. And he’s professional enough to answer a call from an increasingly panicked Seth, to tell him where and when to meet to cross the border into Mexico, while cleaning the blood from his fangs and pausing between blood feasts. He does correct Seth when Seth calls him Mexican

Seth is clearly trying to control Richie by giving him a gun he doesn’t like, and they drag Monica, their hostage, out from the boot. He intimidates Monica into staying quiet and tries to almost ask Richie to behave while he goes to get them food – clearly afraid of what Richie will do.

He goes to get the burgers and sees a woman – who he takes into the bathroom and has sex with – apparently his ex-wife. Well, that divorce was amicable. But in the hotel room, Reggie is getting creepy with Monica

Time to check in on Rev Jacob and his family – and Jacob is still not making the best decisions, now letting his highly inexperienced son drive his (and I use the term loosely) vehicle. Kate tries to talk to her dad about the grand, life changing revelations of last episode and he backtracks from all of them. And then the RV breaks down and Jacob says he doesn’t have a tool box. This man is not looking very competent right now (admitted I don’t have a tool box either – but this is a sensible realisation of the damage I will do). Jacob goes into the bar they’ve stopped outside to ask for help.

Policeman Freddie consults a professor about the symbols in the serial killing (which Reggie has been leaving behind too); who demands the gods and the people who worshipped them be treated with respect. He shows him Reggie’s knife with the symbol on it. And yes, they’re doing this in the same bar that Jacob’s just entered because where else would you investigate a serial killing? The knife is ancient and used in ritual sacrifice and super duper non-existantly rare. It suggests the killer worships the vision serpent and comes with 2 gifts – the ability to see and the ability to take action.

Back at the hotel, Richie unties Monica’s hands – but is clearly having trouble and starts rambling about his intelligence; Monica tries to calm him down while mentioning her children. She looks at Richie’s drawings which means she has to drag up a compliment for his gruesome sacrifice sketches.

She treats his wounded eye – and Richie hallucinates an eye in the hand and the voices start up again. And he starts to hallucinate – this time he hears Monica trying to seduce him. when she protests she didn’t say anything, he ties her up and gags her. While he gets a vision of snakes crawling over her.

In the café Seth has to tell his wife that the plan has changed, they’re not crossing together he thinks it’s too dangerous for her to be along (what with Richie being, well, Richie). Seth gives her a stack of money to be happy with instead and she recites a long anecdote which basically comes down to “I’m not a prostitute – how dare you try to buy me off.” And she adds that she worked on the robbery as well – she was the one who cased the bank and laid the groundwork for the job. And she waited for him to get out of prison – not his money.

Supernatural: Season 9, Episode 13: The Purge

Somewhere in the middle of Minnesota (I’m not going to bother checking where, these places are all fill in for “middle-of-nowhere” America which is Supernatural’s bread and butter –or blood and gore anyway).

It’s a hot dog eating competition; after which the winner gets in his car and something happens to him. The large man is deflated, almost drained until he withers – then something gets out of the car. What a shame, the man had a “Bacon Makes Everything better” bumper sticker – he was clearly a wise and informed soul.

At the Winchester cave it’s time for the morning routine with a little extra tension – a lot of extra tension (and a little pouting) – and Dean has dug up the mission to find out what happened to the mysteriously wasting man.

Time to impersonate Federal agents because no-one ever checks these things after Bobby died, and ask the super-nice police woman about the case who describes how all his internal organs were sucked out while eating doughnuts. He did have a rival, Slim Jim, on the competitive food eating circuit. Yes circuit. Apparently competitive food eating is a big thing in that area.

Despite his air tight alibi they go interview Slim Jim (eating lettuce in training…) and poking around his house reveals his wife is superstitious – and Romani. They actually take a step to point out that she doesn’t like “gypsy” because it is a slur, before her non-Romani husband informs everyone how wrong she is, but on the plus side he does so in such blatantly ridiculous terms as to make it pretty clear who is actually wrong.

Back at their hotel room they research that the bag is a Putsi bag which they say is used for curses, when they’re interrupted by said wife who wants her bag back (anyone else notice how bling Dean’s gun is?). She didn’t kill the other man, she loved him and was actually having an affair (Dean is bemused since the dead man was fat and her husband is called Slim Jim for a reason but she counters the idea that fat is inherently unsexy). She points out that Putsi bags can be used for blessings

Time for victim number 2 – a woman trying to lose weight for her wedding is bludgeoned from behind in a gym and then is drained and shrivelled. More investigating and this time they find the suction mark where the fat is drained out. They split up for questioning different people, Dean choosing the option that lets him question attractive women because a) he’s Dean and b) he says Sam is awkward around women (with more tension snark about “honesty”). As Dean questions the woman, he notices she has a suction mark as well.

Some investigating and they find out the trainer with the suction mark had also lost a lot of weight lately after going to spa called Canyon Valley that guarantees weight loss without diet, exercise or surgery.