Review: The Awakening by L.J. Smith. Book 1 of the Vampire Diaries

 I normally summarise books before reviewing them, a brief synopsis. I can’t do it with this one, it just devolves into sarcasm every time I try.

Anyone who has read Fangs for the Fantasy for any length of time will know we have something of a love/hate relationship with The Vampire Diaries TV show and are frequent critics. Well, let me take this opportunity to say something good about the TV show and its writers – I am impressed, no, amazed – that you managed to extract anything even semi-redeemable from this book. I thought pulling the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series from that awful film was impressive, but this is downright miraculous. With book reviewing there’s always a strong element of the subjective, though I have to say, in the past I have been bemused that some people can be such fans of things I’ve hated. This book doesn’t leave me bemused, it leaves me wanting to hold its fans, comfort them and assure them that they’re good people and don’t need to punish themselves like this.

So why do I hate this book? Let me count the ways!

First and foremost is Elena herself, one of the most unpleasant protagonists you’ll ever have the displeasure to meet. And this is from someone who has read Twilight, Sookie Stackhouse and even The Aurora Teagarden Series (previous candidate for “protagonist we’d most like to chop up and bury under the rockery” prize). You know those YA novels with the ridiculously over-the-top popular mean girls, the Satan Cheerleaders? That’s Elena! I can’t imagine how anyone is supposed to sympathise with this girl. She’s unbelievably selfish and self-absorbed – everything is about her. People who aren’t her friends fawn after her (especially if they’re “plain”) and are treated like servants, she just dishes out orders and expects to be obeyed. Her 2 friends Bonnie (who is characterised by having woo-woo) and Meredith (who isn’t characterised at all) and her ex Matt (the one person who accuses Elena of being a self-centred manipulator, then apologises when her lip starts wobbling and the waterworks begin) exist to serve. Matt goes to the prom with her knowing she’s stalking Stefan, Bonnie and Meredith abandon their dates to go find Elena, everything they do is about Elena. They have no independent purpose in life – they serve Elena and she expects them to.

The way Elena treats her friends is appalling. Not just the servants she deems unworthy of friendship (though those are servants – and flirting with a boy even while his girlfriend watches in tears? Totally ok), but Bonnie and Meredith as well. After the second or possibly third attempt to stalk an unwilling Stefan, they both suggest that maybe, just maybe she might want to let it go – to which she loses her ever loving shit and storms off telling them both she’ll find new best friends (and they still follow her! Aaargh!) The way she speaks to them is appalling, it really sounds more like a boss to employees they don’t like very much. And Matt? When she breaks up with him she tells him what he feels (because it’s easier for her to pretend he doesn’t care) and then uses her ex as a servant to help her snare her new man. And then is actually jealous of him because of his friendship with Stefan. She had a friend, Caroline, who has turned into someone I’m supposed to hate, I guess, and stopped fawning after Elena but I want to cheer her on. Go Caroline, escape the terrible Elena servitude. Of course, Elena doesn’t care WHY her friend is angry and forgets about her for weeks on end, focusing on Her Man She Will Claim. And it’s not just friends – with someone in town attacking young people, Aunt Judith is often worried about Elena. Does Elena care? Not a jot! Judith’s worries are brushed aside with contempt – she stays out until 2:00am without calling and when Judith is upset it’s a side reference at best.

And her approach to the romance? Now, I’m the first to say I find the whole “eyes crossed across a crowded room we now love each other forever let’s find a chapel” story annoying. But Elena? Elena fixates on Stefan because he doesn’t fall in love and worship her. He walks past her without falling for her supreme beauty. Oh how dare he, how very dare he!  She goes into SHOCK because he didn’t fall down before her. She tears up when he isn’t instantly hers. She then decides that this man MUST be hers no matter what. She invents a fictional boyfriend she met on holiday (leaving her ex to believe she cheated on him – but that’s a lesser being’s feelings, irrelevant!). When visiting Stefan’s home he asks he to stop going through his things, including a box, because they’re private. The very second she’s left alone? She goes through his private things. Of course she does. She comments frequently how lonely and isolated Stefan is – oh how sad – and then spreads fake rumours about him around school to drive other people away! She notices his loneliness and tries to make it worse so he will turn to her! Ye gods girl, what is wrong with you?! What does she do on her weekends, find sad puppies to kick? At this point, the fact she collects boyfriends as status symbols and thinks boys are all important as they show how popular and pretty you are (sentiments which would be interesting starting point for growth and challenge - if they were challenged, but they’re not. And it is interesting that she has a view of dating that we often see in misogynistic straight men – but we don’t really see why making the protagonist have similar dehumanising opinions to be somehow empowering) just adds more crap to this enormous heap.

Misfits Season Three, Episode Six

Rudy is at a house party getting drunk and trying to pick up women.  The lines he uses are absolutely pathetic. Finally, he gets together with a woman and she consents to sex, as long as he promises to call her tomorrow because she is sick of guys treating her like shit. As soon as he is done, Rudy tells her that he won't be calling her and so she grabs his crotch and we see a flash of blue light.  Rudy tells her that it was nice knowing her and leaves.

The next day on the roof, Rudy tells the misfits about it and admits that he cannot remember her.  Rudy pulls put the woman's phone number but says that he is not going to call her and even compares the woman to a dog. Rudy rips up the number up and says that it's the humane thing to do. The misfits then question whether or not they even need to be there because of course, Sean is dead.  The conversation is interrupted when Rudy hears the ice cream man and he runs off.

Kelly and Seth are busy making out in the backseat of his car, when Rudy interrupts them to ask what kind of ice cream they want. Kelly says that she has to go inside because they always send a new probation worker after they have killed one.

Curtis starts to buy ice cream, but he suddenly shifts into his female form. As they are walking away, Rudy asks about the change but by the time they enter the community center, Curtis has shifted back.  Rudy goes to the bathroom and drops his ice cream when he sees that something is wrong with his penis.  Simon gets a vision of the future with Rudy arguing with a woman about his missing penis and then rushes into the bathroom to see Rudy.  Rudy turns and shows Simon his penis and declares it's like no STD he has ever seen.  Simon tells Rudy about his vision of the future and assures him that this is just one version of the future.  Rudy goes into panic, as he realizes that he tore up the woman's phone number.

Seth and Kelly head to the equipment room and start making out.  Rudy finds the paper with the phone number but the last two digits are missing. Rudy decides to call every combination until he finds the woman he had sex with. Simon tells him that this is not going to work and that he needs to try and remember what happened last  night.  The problem is that Rudy cannot even remember the names of the women he interacted with but he does remember body parts. Simon suggests that he retrace his steps.

Rudy knocks on an apartment door and when they enter, they see a girl sprawled out on the couch.  They decide to go further into the apartment and see a girl passed out on a bed.  Rudy says that he is sure that this is the girl they are looking for.  Simon suggests that he talk to her and then try to have sex with her. Rudy suggests penetrating her while she is sleeping, but Simon tells him that this would be rape.  Their loud conversation wakes the girl up and so Rudy approaches her and says that he thinks he is falling for her.  Simon has a seat in the other room to wait for Rudy and sees Polaroids on the table.  The girl asks Rudy why she would want to be his girlfriend and then tells him that they never had sex.  Rudy shows the girl his penis, which has gone all Black and she screams, causing him to run out of the room.  Simon shows Rudy a picture of him and a girl and suggests that this might be the woman they are looking for.  When they show the picture to the girl who was passed out on the couch, they learn that the woman in the picture is Amy Goodwin.

Fangs for Fantasy Book of the Week

 Every week on the Fangs for the Fantasy podcast (archives here) we read a book and discuss it on the show. The review for the book of the week always goes up on 3:00pm (EST) on a Monday (Monday’s book review).

To give people a chance to read along with us, every Monday we’re also going to include a list of our planned books of the week for the next few shows, so people can get the books, read them and join in the conversation.

 

7/1/-14/1: The Awakening by LJ Smith

14/1-21/1: Grave Memory by Kalayna Price

21/1-28/1: Ever After by Kim Harrison

28/1-4/2: Magnificent Devices by Shelly Adina

4/2-11/2: Moonshifted by Cassie Alexander
11/2-18/2: King Makers by Griffiths
 

 

Merlin: Season 3 Review

 I said before that Merlin had hit the ideal combination to make the series a success and it continued to do so this season. Excellent acting, a plot that maintained it’s meta nearly every episode, well developed characters and solid relationships continue to make this an excellent watch.

Morgana, returned from her “kidnapping” is welcomed back into the fold by Uther as a long lost child - as she should be since we learn she actually is his illegitimate daughter. The fact he kept this from her further enrages Morgana and is fanned by Morgause into her believing she should be the true monarch of Camelot rather than Arthur.

She still carries a grudge against Merlin for the poisoning but this spreads to an ambition to bring down Camelot and put herself on the throne. She repeatedly makes attacks against Arthur and Uther to try and bring them down. Alongside this we have Uther’s ongoing hatred of magic, Merlin conflicted about his actions being so underappreciated, as well as supporting a ruler who would kill him if he could and the difficulty of defending Camelot from an enemy within

We had some real highlights which stood out to me. I liked episode 11 with Gili using magic to cheat in the tournament and the questions that raised for Merlin - should he, as the Dragon has said repeatedly, just let Uther die? His sympathy with Gili for not being able to be who he is and use his greatest talent and his own frustrations - and even guilt over collaborating with Uther are all wonderfully developed here.

In episode 7 we had more of the excellent development of class with Uther completely indifferent about Gwen being captured - let alone Gwen’s brother. Servants and peasants are not worth the lives and time of knights. This is also developed throughout the season with the simple knowledge that any accusation against Morgana will fail because she is noble and Merlin, Gwen and Gaius are not.

I think Merlin has a definite flare for season finales. This ending, with Morgana’s great conquest and Arthur on the run was epic and excellent. The founding of the knights of the round table, the finding of the table, Gaius using magic, Excalibur rising from the lake - so much epic, so much classic Arthurian epic, it was another perfect, dramatic, epic ending.

Games of Thrones Season 3 sneak peak

It's a long time before we get to see Game of Thrones again - here's a bit of a sneak peak to whet your appetite a little more

Fringe Season Five, Episode Eleven: The Boy Must Live

 

At the lab, Peter continues to work on burning a hole through the amber, when he is interrupted by Walter. Walter tells him Peter that he has an new idea about how to find September from the memory Michael showed them is in his subconscious. Walter goes into the tank, as Olivia, Astrid, and Peter monitor his progress.  Walter's blood pressure starts to spike, as he gets a vision of himself in an apartment. He's with September and remarks that he does not look like himself. Peter instructs him to look outside, so that they can get a sense of where Walter is in this vision.  Walter realises that they are in New York.  Astrid looks at the map and says that Walter was near the Williamsburg bridge.  Walter becomes convinced that this is where September is.

Windmark is in his office when he is approached and told someone is ready to see him.  Windmark walks through a portal and ends up in the year 2069.  Clearly, at this point there are no humans left, only observers.

The Fringe team arrives at the location that Walter saw in the tank. Peter asks how Walter is doing and Walter responds that he is great and that the procedure to remove pieces of his brain is no longer necessary. Walter says that when Michael touched him, he remembered things that he hadn't experienced from the other timeline and that everything he has ever known, is nothing more than a thimble, in comparison to the knowledge out there. Peter asks what Michael is and how he enabled Walter to see a life he never lived and if Michael gave him the plan.  Walter admits that he didn't and that before he met Michael, he didn't think it was possible to love him more, but now knowing everything they have been through from the other timeline he does. The two men hug and Walter comments that Peter never liked public displays of affection.

In the future, Windmark goes to see the commander and reports that Michael has been found and that whoever hid him, did so for a reason. 

The team enters a building and buzzes at a door,which is answered by Donald, who is shocked to see Walter alive. Walter tells him that they were frozen in time for 21 years.  When Donald sees Michael, her removes his hood and kneels before him.  Inside the apartment, the Fringe team tell Donald that they found the radio and from there Michael, who showed them where to find him.  Donald says that he was apprehended before the invasion, for his continued interference in the time line.  As punishment, they removed his tech and experimented on him. It seems now that Donald is no different than the Fringe team. Donald does not see it as a punishment. He chose the name Donald O'Connor from movie Singing in the Rain - the first movie that he saw with Walter.

Donald opens a box on the table and plays Green Sleeves with a musicbox.  This seems to fascinate Michael and so he stands and starts to turn the crank.  Walter asks what Michael is and Donald says that Michael was born hundreds of years from now.  We learn that emotion was abandoned in the pursuit of intellect and so the observers lost the value of all emotion.  It seems that Micheal's brain developed different than the other offspring.  Donald says that he had observed how in the past fathers cared for their sons and protected them, so he took Michael away and hid him in the past.   Donald is Micheal's father.

Being Human (US) Sneak Peak

We're nearly there, this Monday Being Human (US) will be coming back

The Problem With a Hard of Hearing Darth Vader

The following is video from Youtube entitled, Star Wars: Hard of Hearing Vader.  At this time of the writing of this piece it has received 229,064 views.





The premise behind this latest mashup is that Vader’s helmet makes it difficult for him to hear and so he repeatedly squeals,”what,” every time someone addresses him. Of course, the commenters on Youtube find this absolutely hilarious. To be clear laughing at a difficult to hear is ableist.