Tarkoff and Puppy-Frederick are kidnapping and carving up victims in the hope that one of them will be a suitable host for Frederick’s evil granddad, the king (currently possessing Frederick and causing the odd seizure). Tarkoff is also a total back-seat mutilator and reflects how much easier it was for them when the Mandragora was doing all the slicing and dicing. They’re not having a lot of success simply because they are literally just grabbing random people, slicing them, dicing them then slitting their throats. Tarkoff decides they need to brutally slice someone to death who doesn’t feel afraid – they need someone who trusts Frederick
Uh-huh, I call convoluted angst so Frederick can pull his puppy-dog eyes. It doesn’t matter how much someone trusts Frederick, when the knife comes out, the trust leaves
Anyway, later on Frederick decides to deal with this conflict by stabbing Tarkoff.
To the Beauchamps house and it’s Freya’s birthday – her first ever 30th birthday. Of course Freya is focused on her love life because it is her single topic of conversation, her sole obsession and the only thing that is ever ever addressed about her. Joanna also insists Frederick be at the party as well because they’re twins and it’s his birthday too… except it isn’t because Freya is reborn on different days and while they were born as twins they no longer share a birthday (and he’s centuries older than her) which is all a bit confusing in a good way, but does make me wonder whether the word “twins” even has any meaning for them any more? Anywany, Joanna insists since they haven’t celebrated Frederick’s birthday in 400 years – isn’t there a point when you stop celebrating birthdays for fear of causing a candle shortage?
Time for more relationship awkwardness – Ingrid goes to see Dash for lots of sweet, babbling, yes-I’ll-go-on-a-date-with-you to find a half naked woman in his home. Awkward.
To make it more awkward, Dash calls her afterwards to say how half-naked-breakfast-cooking-lady meant nothing (I often wonder if anyone actually expects that line to work?)
Speaking of awkward, Wendy transforms from cat to completely naked woman in the middle of the kitchen right in front of her love interest Tommy – what she had cat senses and still missed him stood right there? She tries to explain the whole witch thing and he runs in near panic. Not great. She talks this over with Joanna who is very apologetic – but it’s time to wipe Tommy’s memory; it’s all part of the “code” to keep secret from mortals because humans have a nasty habit of trying to kill them (given season 1 and the axe murdering and, well, humanity – that’s fair). Wendy’s afraid he may lose his mind as Maura did when she had her memory wiped – and Joanna raises the precaution of Wendy never seeing him again. Also, if they don’t do it then another witch may find out Tommy knows and kill him anyway.
To Killian who is still under the spell of evil Eva who has now brought her Evil grandmother to cook for him (and complain about it in Spanish – missing that Killian understands her). Apparently Killian being in twu lub with Freya is screwing up Eva’s spell, meaning she’s having to up his dose. Granny is clear – get pregnant by hook or by crook (I’ve met some grandparents like that, they can be quite scary)
Freya’s party is happening at the bar where she works – wow, now I know why she doesn’t want to go. And Killian is bar tending – let the flirting commence. And it’s very clear flirting which Freya talks about with Ingrid who is racking up more and more missed calls from Dash. Tommy also shows up to make up with Wendy so everyone can have the relationship issues party!
Time to add some more flames to these relationship conflicts – Frederick remembers Killian from Asgard (presumably a past life Killian? Who is instantly recognisable to Frederick? And this is a thing?) and Freddie decides to warn Killian off his sister. Because we haven’t enough drama in the Freya/Killian mix. This doesn’t stop Killian from taking Freya into the storeroom to tell her he loves her even though he is married – and he doesn’t love his wife (he doesn’t even know why he married her). This is Freya’s first chance to learn Eva is a witch – but she puts it all aside; she has seen her past lives and she and Killian together always always always ends badly so even with Eva aside, it’s a bad idea.
Caroline also shows up to spend some time with Frederick and lightly poke some holes in his fake back story. Far less welcome is Tarkoff who is a telepath, a powerful witch and there’s no damn way he’s going to be killed by Freddie boy with a knife. And Caroline is a convenient trusty person for murdering.
More relationship drama, more! Yes, Dash decides to gatecrash Freya’s party to see Ingrid because her not returning his bazillion calls and texts was not actually sufficient hint for this guy. Dash, you’re pretty, but you’re not that pretty. She seems to give his pushy self a chance
Speaking of, Killian also can’t seem to understand the not-even-slightly ambiguous message from Freya and follows her outside. She tells him about the dying young curse (one he’s also oddly inherited since there’s a Killian for every one of her past lives because the canon is broken) and how their love life is forever doomed. Hearing all this tragedy all Killian hears is “I love you”. They almost kiss but then she walks away – then she comes back and they kiss anyway.
Tommy and Wendy kiss in a Bali illusion because he’s come round to magic now it can get him some awesome cheap holidays
Big sex montage time. (Freya just has cushions and blankets outside by sheer coincidence) after which there is angst. They also very belatedly remember Eva – Killian realises he has to talk to her “he wants to start on the right foot.” Wait, shouldn’t you have spoken to her before the last orgasm then?
Tarkoff declares his long standing love of Joanna (damn it, if she was also going to be paired off in a romance couldn’t we at least have kept Alex around? It’s not like the show is lacking in opposite sex pairings!) but he never pushed it because she’s royalty and he isn’t. They reminisce about Victor together.
And Dash and Ingrid were apparently also in the sex montage but after sex Ingrid discovers the blackmail video of Dash zapping Killian. This horrifies her as she puts two and two together (actually it’s more two and completely huge assumption) and realises she helped cover up a murder, not an accident. He tries to justify the murders (and leaving his brother to die) because he’s saving lots of people now. He also adds how much Ingrid means to him – Ingrid doesn’t really consider that an excuse for murder, tells him he means nothing and leaves.
Wendy’s post-sex talk involved telling Tommy how they can never ever see each other again for his own safety. The Beauchamp women are damn depressing after sex. He decides he’s not going to do that even if there is a death threat attached
Back to some more sinister plot lines – Frederick and Caroline go home and Freddie drugs her drink. He ties her up, blindfolds her (badly and consensually), then uses numbing massage oil so he can carve her without her knowing (she also tells him she loves him for EXTRA ANGST!). looks like we know why Caroline was dropped in the plot.
Killian has a big talk with Eva and Eva’s grandmother is apparently very ill, dying. She’s holding on to be sure Eva is pregnant. The dying old woman calls Eva “mamma” and Eva calls her “baby girl”… ok. Eva may need a baby to maintain her eternal youth (just ask the actress for her secret). Anyway this means dosing Killian to love Eva again and go tell Freya that he’s not running off with her so the angst meter can keep on ticking
Ok, I said it’s fair to expect persecution and attack because humanity has a habit of attacking just about anything – but I now have to question the names. They called the other world Asgard. Freya, at least, has a Norse name. We had odd Egyptian witches running around named after Egyptian gods – is this coincidence? Were they once worshipped? C’mon, Witches of East End build on your canon! Less time on people’s convoluted love lives (and why does everyone have to have one?) and more on canon!
I also don’t get birthday angst from a species that, from what we can see, doesn’t age? And why even bother with the whole birthday (or Dash’s random ladyfriend) if it was going to go nowhere?
Also the whole past lives, immortal species and Killian and Dash is still broken and confusing.
I am also incredible bored of all these angst ridden romances.