Saturday, December 5, 2015

Vampire Diaries, Season 7, Episode 8: Hold me, Thrill me, Kiss me, Kill me

Time for future-vision again – at some point these random points will make sense. Last week Damon was captured because he walked into a trap. His capture is Lily which means, alas, no-one’s going to kill her.

Now to the present and the plotting to kill Julian. Damon agrees with me – just kill Lilly while everyone else wants to keep her alive for Reasons! Because she was very very silly and bound her life to Julian’s (in the bizarre and surprisingly accurate belief that people who hated her gave a damn whether she lived or died because Vampire Diaries doesn’t have to make sense) this means they need to get Julian’s blood and then convince a witch to undo the silliness. For extra bizarreness, rather than going to their usual subservient witch-for-hire (actually that’s wrong, if she were for hire they’d actually pay her) Bonnie, they decide it’s better to convince one of the Heretics to do it (which means Bo, Marie Louise or Nora rather than Valerie, the only witchpire who actually WANTS Julian dead. Because Vampire Diaries).

Instead they decide to use Valerie to convince the other witchpires to help curse Julian’s blood… is everyone on this show drunk or high? Oh, wait, drunk, of course they are

Anyway at chez witchpire, it’s Mary Louise and Nora’s anniversary which means they may actually go for an episode without sniping at each other. Lily completely forgot but Julian covers and of course they’re planning a party.

There’s a party on Vampire Diaries once every three episodes. It’s a rule. Also Enzo and Lily are getting all couply which surprises no-one

Caroline is still mystically pregnant and planning to tell Stefan. Right in the middle of their murder plans. Rude! Ruder? Saying “hi girlfriend, we shall have to talk about the whole pregnancy thing later because I have a party to go to later.”

This party launches with a huge number of compelled guests (that must be the saddest party ever if you have to compel guests). All of them are the people Julian has been capturing and “fattening up” (like that’s actually a relevant thing, but Vampire Diaries) so they can serve as snack food. Lily has brief moral outrage (because vampire Diaries loves random morality) but goes along with it so she doesn’t end up playing mean parent to contrast with Julian’s fun parent.

Julian also lures Lily into feeding on passing snack food – just as Damon enters and looks all disapproving. Really? They have an argument and Lily is all outraged that Damon hates her while Damon still hates her because he has absolutely not reason not to and her invoking the mother card isn’t going to score any points with him.

And Mary Louise asks Nora to marry her – complete with huge diamond provided by Julian. It’s romantic and lovely and accepted and interrupted by Valerie. She gathers the family together so she can tell them about Julian and Lily says she’s leaving him. Bo is the first to hug Valerie, showing he believes her, joined then by Nora… Mary Louise hesitates but Nora convinces her.

Stefan and Damon attack Julian while her family gathers around Lily to help her through him being incapacitated.

With Julian captured, Stefan has a big connection moment with his mother- while Lily laments that poor Damon doesn’t feel the same. Stefan is sure they can keep poking it and make the abused child come to terms with the one he saw as idle in his abuse, as abandoning him and then stuffing his girlfriend in a coffin

Y’know, not only do I think it’s going to take a whole lot for him to come round, but I think I’ll kind of be annoyed if he does (though it would be classic Vampire Diaries)

Julian is all captured and being evil but Mary Louise is still not convince Valerie is telling the truth (what possible reason would Valerie have for this lie?). Mary Louise incapacitates Valerie and Damon. She rescues Julian and he imprisons Valerie and Damon. Julian decides to force Lily to choose one to live or die – Valerie or Damon as a symbolic way of making her choose between the Heretic Families or the Salvatores

Valerie is awake at this moment and not using magic because Vampire Diaries. Also Lily points out that Julian forcing her to kill someone isn’t convincing her he’s a nice guy. Damon isn’t convinced there’s any choice – since when has Lily ever chosen anyone over him?

Can anyone predict what’s going to happen?

Lily stakes herself. Who didn’t see that coming? Anyone? Except Julian has already unlinked them. Oopsie.

Nora and Mary Louise fight over who they trust more – Julian or Valerie – and Nora gives back the ring saying it’s just a symbol of Julian’ control

Lily is staked in a very slow-not-instantly killy way yet not healable manner and all the heretics are super sad. Since when is staking a slow death? Julian rampages and Mary Louise returns to him to learn what just happened (she was the one who unlinked them).

Of course we’re all supposed to expect Damon to make nice. He doesn’t – and I can see that. Lily apparently dies – but in case we weren’t paying attention at the beginning we zoom to the future to see Lily tell Damon he has been poisoned with werewolf poison – yes he’s hallucinating and Lily is actually dead.

Enzo and Matt decide to spend their time telling each other how pointless they are. No, really, Matt tells Enzo how no-one wants him and Enzo tells Matt how outmatched he is. At this point the show must be trolling me.

And someone shoots Enzo – a whole team of someone’s shoot him with wood and throw him in a prison van. Why why why do these Vampire Hunters always capture vampires?

Yes, Matt is now part of a hunter org to protect Mystic Falls. Non-killing hunters. Alas both characters are going to last longer.

Do we have to mention the morality of this show again? Does Julian seriously think Lily needs to use blood banks to try and ingratiate herself with her children? Does Lily? Are we actually going to pretend that the Salvatore brothers disapprove of eating people?

I was critical of Mary Louise and Nora’s sniping while previously I’ve praised their relationship conflict as being refreshing because it was based on reasonable culture shock issues rather than any conflict connected to their sexuality. I still say that – but I’m critical because this conflict between them has been, to date, pretty much the only characterising element of them. Their relationship and entire characters are somewhat confined to this drama with an edge of Mean Girl. Which is why I’m really happy to see an actual relationship between them – one that is loving and caring and one where they’re happy to show affection and kiss

Except that brief moment of happiness was just a blink before we return to their eternal conflict. In fact, in some ways it reminds of a Marginalised Swan Song – where marginalised people who have been silent suddenly have dialogue to make their inevitable demise poignant. Here their relationship, after weeks of bickering, has a sudden, sweet romantic moment before crashing and burning.

Can someone really explain why Mary Louise is so willing to believe Valerie is lying, especially when the lie is so utterly pointless? What would Valerie gain? As for the whole killing her brother – again it’s an act with not motive UNLESS Valerie has a powerful motive to not want Julian found.

Honestly, I’m not unhappy with Damon not making nice. Yes she’s dying but he definitely sees her as complicit to the abuse he suffered as a child (even forgetting Elena’s nap), you don’t guilt people into letting that go.