I think the easiest way to sum up this short story is to
re-write it in a way that makes sense (for House
of Night anyway). So I’m reading Mother Earth as a troll who absolutely
loathes Nyx while Nyx is that House Guest who won’t take a fucking hint (she
taught Nyx everything, clearly). I can now follow the plot which now seems a
lot more coherent. So:
Mother Earth: Ah Earth, so peaceful and special, just me
and my children…
Nyx: Helooooooooooooo
Mother Earth:… you’re still here? All the other immortals
fucked off years ago
Nyx: No, I’m going to stay here forever and ever…
ME: Oh. Yay. And I see you have tattoos now
Nyx: Aren’t they wonderful
ME:… yes… I’m sure. In no way does it look like a sugar
high six year old was let loose on you with a sharpie.
Nyx: Look the book has illustrations!
ME: Thankfully that means less text.
Nyx: I love Earth and my fae just love frolicking here
ME: You mean your slaves that exist to serve you love
taking holidays as far away from you as they can possibly get? Funny that…
Nyx: I’m just so lonely…
ME: I wish I was… I know, if I give you a companion you
can spend more time anywhere I’m not. Sun, Moon, get down here and create some
poor sap to endure Nyx!
Nyx: Oh thank you! Hey, they’ve created two?
ME: Oh, how surprising. I totally didn’t do that on
purpose so they would both compete for your affections and drive you to distraction.
Not At All.
Erebus: Hi Mother Earth!
ME: Oh charming wonderful boy, welcome!
Kalona: Hi Mother Earth!
ME: you can fuck right off, arsehole.
Kalona: I’m like 5 minutes old…
ME: like I give a fuck? Enjoy the head games, kiddies.
Hey, do you know what would make this more fun? If I give these 10 minute year
old beings super powers and make them use those powers to compete for your
affections, Nyx! Because new borns competing for mummy’s love AND wifey’s love
with super powers is bound to create a stable relationship
Nyx: Uhhhh if you say so Mother Earth.
Erebus: I love this plan
ME: Oh you beautiful, wonderful boy!
Kalona: Ok, I’ll try
ME: I’m going to have humans invent lego just for you to
walk on, Kalona.
Kalona:….
Mother Earth then retreats to the distance to watch it
all fall apart while cackling away and occasionally mixing the pot a bit more.
On top of that we have the White Bull dropped into the
plot because no-one can actually have developed motivations in this series
without the evil cow throwing in some woo-woo to be blamed (allowing the
inevitable redemption to happen).
We also have some Native Americans providing woo-woo.
Yes, providing woo-woo to gods and god like beings. There’s a shaman here who
dances and chants all the time. I don’t think he can even move without dancing.
He also has no idea what anything smells like because all he smells is burning
sage. Always burning sage.
