Saturday, December 17, 2016

Salem, Season 3, Episode 6: Wednesday's Child

This episode has everyone splitting off in different directions. I will start with what’s the most important to the plot though not necessarily on everyone’s high priority list. Because Salem.

John is definitely worried about this, having dispensed with bizarre plot distraction Bob, has returned to town, got patched up by the serial killer/cannibal/barber/meat pie vendor and warns Hathorne that the French of weapons of mass destruction. So basically all the defences of Salem are pretty much moot and what he needs to do now is set up defenders long outside of town so any big explosions are happening waaay in the countryside.

Since this seems to be the extent of his plans, it’s perhaps reassuring that the French are not even remotely involved in the blowing-up-Salem plan (what, another plot which is going to be abandoned?) and it’s actually going to come from inside the town: or so says Sebastian to Mary

And why is he telling Mary? Because while other people really really really want to stop Salem being annihilated Sebastian is busy pulling petals off posies “she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not” and mooning after Mary while disturbingly feeding blood to his zombie mother. He demands Mary love him while Mary asks him to please please please focus on the evil demon child who wants to destroy the world, Sebastien is far more concerned by the fact she loves John Alden and he’s totally jealous and it’s so unfair.

Sebastian, go write some sad poetry and take up moping already.

Mary tries kissing him but eventually has to have sex with him in front of John’s magically frozen self to prove to Sebastian that she totally wants him honest. This whole thing reeks of rape, Sebastian is basically ransoming the entire town’s (the town Mary can’t leave) future if she doesn’t sleep with him. But hey this creepy slimy rapist got her some pretty gowns guys

Baroness Marburg is still a zombie but she assures Sebastian she can totally handle Baby Devil. Lucy Lawless, save us!

Mary and John do use Tituba to have a reunion, lots of declarations of love with Mary laying down lots of epic lines about how she is damn powerful and awesome and totally doesn’t need her powers to be the strongest damn woman on the planet. I feel she needs to borrow Isaac’s waif to scream “You Go Girl!” in the background.

We also learn a little about magic – namely that the Essex Witches and their magic and their big epic tree has nothing to do with the devil or demons or anything – it’s Women’s magic, natural magic and my gods WHY has no-one mentioned this before in 3 seasons? And are we going to talk about how this natural magic is happy to embrace demon contracts? Does this change how power is expressed? What does this mean! You waited until season 3 for this, Salem

Anyway the actual point of this awesome bit of world building is that Mary is still bound to Salem so she just can’t run away with John and abandon everyone to fiery doom.

Cotton is still playing biographer for the devil, in between expecting the worst of the worst to come with the evil Sunday. And he is sassing the devil awesomely, excellently laying into him for his bitter, petty jealousy; desiring vengeance, his jealousy. It’s a beautiful put down, very very very well done Cotton. And he’s not intimidated into silence by Baby Devil name dropping saints and angels.

But Baby devil may soon have one threat removed: because Tituba is keeping her promise. She gives John a potion that, when forged into a dagger, will allow him to kill an angel. And he’s going to do it because Tituba tells him about his evil plan to hurt Mary (which is true… but out of date)

Of course, if there’s an angel killing blade that raises an actual solution to the problem of Baby Devil….

On to other characters that are not remotely caring about Salem being destroyed, Anne has found Glorianna, the sex worker who was banished, desperate and pregnant, out of Salem by her husband. Anne takes the poor, sick woman in and refuses to judge her, saying “no woman should judge another for the choices she’s forced to make”

Oh this could have been so awesome.

But it’s all a ploy for her to gain Glorianna’s trust so they can sleep naked together so Anne can magically steal Glorianna’s baby and insult her terrible whorishness. Well Anne is giving up on this whole redemption attempt it seems and has a fair amount of contempt for Gloriana while still holding her beloved husband on the biggest, shiniest pedestal possible.

I assume Anne now has 2 twins who are going to be born a few months apart?

We have the ongoing battle of Mercy vs Isaac – with Mercy deciding to marry Hathorne so they can become king and queen of Salem. But first Hathorne has to get rid of Isaac

What, she can’t just magically shank him with a spell or something?

Unfortunately, for a politician, Hathorn is really bad at all this. Despite his only real political opponent being shanked (non-magically) by a cannibal serial killer, he can still epicly sabotage himself by deciding to confront Isaac in Knocker’s Hole. A neighbourhood full of the poor, the desperate, the ignored and guys who had their sexual organs turned into pigeons. Worried about voter apathy? Penis Pigeons will get lots of guys invested

Hathorne is driven from the neighbourhood and Isaac is hailed as Mayor of Knocker’s Hole. And they kneel to him. Which is a bit much for a mayor.

Isaac also still has his sidekick Starving Waif who has somehow found the time/ingredients/oven with which to make cake and to whom he thinks it’s appropriate to dump all of his mummy issues on. Isaac, let the poor waif grieve for her mother without you one-upping her sadness.