Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 15: Sisterhood

Time to catch up with… honestly people who aren’t Regina, Killian or Rumple so… I kind of have trouble caring. I say again, this was a mistake of the reboot

But we have Drizilla and her and Anna as children and being all “yay sisters forever” which, of course, didn’t exactly work out that way

She grows up and becomes the revenge  obsessed woman we know and don’t really love and continues to plot for an epic cursed revenge rather than just, say, stabbing her mother in the face

So many plot lines would be so much shorter if villains realised the value of face stabbing

And she needs more magic which is where Gothel turns up to be all devil on her shoulder offering shinies. Including a membership in the Coven of the 8 to cast the evil curse that Regina casts on her own because Regina is like 10 times more awesome than everyone else. Drizilla is reluctant but agrees

This is kind of a theme this episode. Gothel says “do evil thing!” Drizilla says no. Then she agrees.

Turns out there isn’t one candidate there are many including Gretel - of Hansel and Gretel - who has sugar based magic and a lot of angst over her brother with severe burns and mental problems. She and Drizilla ally, become firm friends and Drizilla wants to leave the coven and make their own working together. Except Gothel has already messed it up, giving them both blades and telling them to stab each other for membership. Which isn’t much of a magical test really. What if the Coven of the 8 has no magic but lots of good knife wielders? Drizilla declares, because she’s on a redemption train, she really doesn’t want to do this but Gretel attacks anyway and, unsurprisingly, Drizilla has to kill her and she gets her Coven8 membership while being all sad about it

In the present Drizilla plans to find her sister to make amends except Gothel arrives to mix it again. Drizilla has been delivered one of the box of chocolates that means she’s now being targetted by a serial killer (hmmm, the serial killer uses sweet things as a signature? How… potentially revealing) and how she totally needs Gothel’s help

Drizilla adamantly refuses as she knows Gothel only wants Anastasia because the power of the Guardian lets you get the Dark One Dagger. I guess. I mean, was this known? Did we know this was Gothel’s motive? Because I’m sure we didn’t know everyone was all scavenger hunting the Dark One Dagger

But she is then attacked by the masked killer in the car park. She escapes because Drizilla can hold her own and runs to safety - Regina’s bar - and asks for help

To which Regina looks at the woman who poisoned her son who is now asking for help and plans 26 different ways to stab her in painful places. But she’s a better person now… so agrees to help and to let her stay in the bar where she is safe. But not before rubbing in that this is all Drizilla’s fault

Which is when Facilier shows up. He has an offer for Drizilla - give Anastasia to him, power up the magic bean of realm transport (there are hundreds of these things) and she can then run away through it. Or She can let Gothel have Anatasia. See, death/death option might as well chose the death that saves your own life, right?

How does Facilier know these are the only options? He’s read the cards. But no-one is wondering why the cards are more than colourful pieces of paper in this land without magic.

Regina goes to Rumple about this - who already knows all the facts. He collects secrets. It’s his thing. It is known. He’s a bit miffed Regina didn’t tell him facilier was after his dagger. But Regina is convinced she can change Facilier. Oh Regina, make better choices

(Oh Rumple isn’t following up on the serial killer case because he’s busy repairing Belle’s cup and wandering “new paths” and hoping the case fixes itself. Yes the Charmings have infected him. All you have to do is be saccharine sweet and everything just works out for you. Did I mention how much I hated the Charmings and their nonsense? This whole philosophy “be good and hope shit works out” is so passive and useless)

They need Anastasia presumably to save Henry but definitely so Rumple can use the Guardian magic on his dagger to be reunited with Belle per the confusing prophecy. So they decide they need to find Anastasia before Facilier does

They fail because Drizilla lures in her sister with sisterhood and love and poison. Because while she totally wanted to reunite if it’s a choice between sister dearest and herself, she’s going with herself

She takes her to Facilier, the ritual starts - and so does scary magic. Because Gothel is there to wake Anastasia up and she is super super angry at her sister trying to murder her. She throws magic everywhere while Gothel yells at her to kill her sister

But Drizilla appeals - sure she has done many many many many many many many evil things. Oh so many. Many many. But all because Gothel manipulated her and pushed her and Drizilla has a hard time saying no. This gets through to Anastasia along with the appeal to sisterhood and her unsullied light. She refuses to kill Drizilla and Gothel leaves in a snit

Wait? Isn’t this what she wanted? Someone who was good enough to be the Guardian who didn’t succumb to the dark side just because it had cookies? Or was she just wandering around ruining all potential Guardians? Does she want the dagger or not? I have no idea what this witch wants

Regina and Rumple arrive and Regina allows a partial forgiveness for Drizilla allowing for Gothel’s manipulations. They decide for Drizilla and Anastasia to leave, using the bean, to travel to some random realm where they won’t clutter up the story any more. Bye folks, you won’t be missed

Regina does question Rumple on why he’s letting the Guardian go, but he has fully embraced Charming philosophy. It’s the right thing to do. Keep going the right thing and everything will work out in the end with bluebirds and sunshine and blech.

At least Rumple has some dire threats for Facilier if he keeps going for his dagger

Regina is also conflicted over Facilier but he reveals he never intended the sisters to murder, this is what he wanted all along (sureeee) so he could siphon off a little magic to give to Regina so she can cure Henry

And oh Regina this has alllll the hallmarks of a trainwreck. An epic epic trainwreck.

Time to check in with the romance: Lucy and Regina are worried Henry has no friends to deal with his heartache so they convolutedly arrange for Nick (a lawyer, Lucy’s curse dad and Henry’s best friend de-cursed) and Killian to hang out with him at an arcade. Which is nice but you’d think these two would have something better to do

They all hang around and have fun and encourage Henry to date other women -only for Jacinda to arrive and them to talk and play a game involving trick shots and whether Jacinda and Henry are fated to be

Shockingly, they are.

The main take from this is that a) Killian is quite happy to discuss serial killer cases in a crowded room to near strangers

And b) that Nick is the serial killer. He has a boot full of chocolates and the mask anyway. Since Nick (or Jack in his cursed identity) doesn’t seem to have any fairy tale alter ego (Jack can cover a lot - I’m assuming Jack the Giant Killer) I’m going to guess he has burns and is Gretel’s long lost brother Hansel, trying to kill witches in revenge for that witch trying to turn him into a hors d’ouvre.