Requiem: Once Upon a Time

So after six seasons, Once Upon a Time desperately tried to fend off the inevitable with a seven season reboot. Sadly for the show, it wasn't enough and ABC finally gave up on the show. After following this from the beginning there's always a bitter sweet element to letting it go - even when there are several elements we certainly don't miss - there's still a lot there that still could have been

Which, of course, means it's time for a Requiem

Good

I think it’s hard to remember how original and interesting this show was when it first started all those many years ago. I think we need to give praise to that even as it has become more normalised in the years the show run. The whole concept of taking these fairy tales and mixing and mashing them up was really fun for me to see. Simple things like Rumplestiltskin being, obviously, the titular deal-giving monster, but also the Crocodile from Peter Pan and the Beast from Beauty and the Beast is the kind of mash up that I really really love.

The show has also brought some really iconic characters - Regina first and foremost, of course, but Emma, Maleficient, Cruella De Ville were some of my favourites. Throw in some really nice plot twists - the weirdness of how King Arthur fit into the show, Peter Pan as Rumple’s father, the complicated Cora/Regina/Zelena family tree. It had some gems.

Also Killian’s eye-shadow.

Bad

The Charmings. The problem with the Charmings is they’re probably the characters that have most held onto the fairy tale origins of the show. So while everything else is bring a sometimes-gritty but often more eye-open reality take to the world, the Charmings are there being kind of flabby and soggy and grossly PASSIVE. These two are repeatedly held up as heroes but, despite occasional past flashbacks of action, they generally did nothing to earn that. They only ever react to what the bad guys do - and then not often. In fact, even their claim to heroism seems to be far less because they champion the little guy or help people or hunt down evil - they’re heroes because EVIL COMES FOR THEM. If Regina didn’t devote so much effort to actually squishing Snow then she’d probably not do anything at all, no matter what kind of reign of terror was unleashed on the actual kingdom.

And this pervasive passivity followed through to everything they did. They never planned anything - just rested on this soppy “good will find a way” “love will find a way” “good is rewarded” “evil never prospers” twee philosophy which ruled out them actually having to do ANYTHING. If they are “good” then good never succeeded or triumphed -good twiddled its thumbs ineptly until evil collapses under its own evilness. And they’re central characters, they’re heroes, they’re leaders of their people for crying out loud! Words can’t express how frustrating I found their smug, pointless, passive, purity.

Good and Bad: The Season 7 Reboot

I know I’m almost a broken record on the final season of Once Upon a Time but it’s because I’m so twisted up about it as being both a perfect example of why we need Reboots while similarly being a text book example of how reboots can be badly done

I praise season 7 being a reboot - because after 6 seasons, Once Upon a Time was done. The fairy tale ouvre just doesn’t have enough big bads to both match up to the last big bads AND to be able to assail the amazing force that Team Good Guy had finally mustered. The core characters had hashed out every single last emotional family drama possible at this point. Emma had love and family and it’d be ridiculous to sunder this AGAIN. The Charmings after 8,000 plots keeping them apart were now together. Everyone believed, Henry was the author and if Rumple turned evil just One More Damn Time or Regina had ANOTHER tragic love affair I was just going to scream. It was done. Stick a fork in it.

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 22: Leaving Storybrooke

It’s time for the final episode of Once Upon A Time ever, barring spin offs (and, let’s face it, there’s a good chance of there being spin offs here). Which means, being Once Upon a Time there won’t be a whole lot of common sense or logic but we will have lots of soaring emotion and tweeness.

So Robin and Alice have gone to Storybrooke to seek help and it all kind of goes wrong because Granny and the Dwarfs all scream “OUTSIDERS!” and try to kill them. The hell is this?! Since when is this a thing? Did they all start supporting Trump or something?

Robin and Alice run to Zelena instead and quickly convince her by throwing lots of insider knowledge to convince her and recruit her on side

Back to the wish realm with everyone stuck in a big magical snow globe and ye gods why why why do villains not just murder their enemies already? Anyway everyone’s cold, evil!Rumple has used Henry’s author powers to completely rob Rumple of his magical powers. So he can’t escape. Instead this leaves Rumple and Killian to play nice and reflect on the bond that years of trying to kill each other has created. And Killian finally asks why Rumple with all his power didn’t just kill him

Haven’t you being paying attention, Killian? Villains don’t kill people. They torment them until they eventually turn around and win. It’s a rule

Rumple instead says that Killian is the closest thing to a friend he has. Which is deeply tragic but we don’t have time to explore this so let’s just say “awww, they’re friends who occasionally try to kill each other”. It’s like friends with benefits but kinkier.

And now I have a mental image of Killian and Rumple and kinky things and leather and that’s just distracted me from the rest of the episode.

Anyway, Maui’s hook just appears (this isn’t explained at all) which lets them break out. This gives them chance to angst a little more, plan the future and for Rumple to have a heartbreaking scene where he realises he will never be with Belle again

Meanwhile young!Henry has Regina captured and wants to make her suffer for killing his grandparents (I’m assuming this is Wish Realm Regina but at no point does Regina make more than a token effort of explaining that wasn’t her). Regina is super focused on telling Henry how he can be good and forgiving and nice and shiny and how she’s totally his mother in another dimension. In some ways this is why Regina doesn’t really want to convince him of her innocence because she wants Henry to embrace goodness and innocence and forgiveness et al.

Henry isn’t listening and expects to fight Regina in a duel. Of course he doesn’t just kill her because it’s a villain rule. Regina does have a happy dream of Robin, the original Robin, mainly because this is the last episode so everyone needs to have a cameo. Hey they went to Storybrooke just to throw in some dwarfs and even then they could only manage three of them.

Time to check in on Evil!Rumple’s evil plan: he has written a book for every single character ever and he’s going to use Henry’s dark-Author powers to suck everyone into a book containing their own personal hell. If by “personal hell” you mean “being alone”. Honestly you’d think he’d be more creative than that - there’s so much you can do with bamboo skewers or electrodes or disco CDs

And this “villain rule” is getting a little silly. Honestly why why why don’t you just KILL PEOPLE? You wouldn’t need Henry’s Dark Author powers. You wouldn’t need to watch while portals suck them in. You wouldn’t need to bring the blue fairy back just to throw her in a portal without even giving her a speaking line.

The gang goes to rescue Regina with Robin (young) and Killian providing a distraction for the guards (and Robin asking for Killian’s blessing in marrying his daughter and it’s sweet and awesome and shiny and yes the whole concept of a father giving his blessing for a marriage is rooted in patriarchy and sexism but context also matters: a same-sex couple getting any kind of familial blessing means a lot more in the context of the sheer number of LGBTQ people who are rejected by family on top of their relationships not being acknowledged.)

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 21: Homecoming

Flashback time - young Henry is all chasing after adventures, facing dragons to rescue sleeping princesses by sexually assaulting them while they’re asleep. Unfortunately for Henry, it turns out this princess actually loves someone else who kills the dragon, sexually assaults her awake and then runs off with the princess declaring that Henry is like a brother to her and so wonderful

Please take note, this friendzoning is going to be relevant later and want us to burn people to death because of it

Anyway, Wish!Rumple shows up in all his sparkly to offer him a Happily Ever After in exchange for a deal. Which Henry refuses because ye gods making a deal with a Rumple, any Rumple? Naaaaaah.

So to the present and everyone is super happy because they have their memories and magic back and Henry runs around saying “mother” and “daughter” and “wife” to remind us he has a family because the focus has been away from them for so very very long that we need to re-establish that they’re actually supposed to be important somehow. Of course not everything is perfect - Killian and Alice still have that poison heart thing. And Facilier is missing

Presumed dead via Wish!Rumple and lo the Black man who was a complicated, powerful and mysterious character with dubious motives, genuine affection for Regina warring with his desire for the Dark One Dagger is just unceremoniously snuffed out. That’ll learn you for thinking you could do more than make occasional baked goods.

Regina goes to check on Facilier and finds Rumple - who everyone is calling Gold to draw a line between him and Wish!Rumple. Regina and Gold catch up on how super evil Wish!Rumple is running amok while Wish!Rumple himself whisks away Henry’s new family - he demands Henry get his Dark One dagger because apparently if Gold decides to give up his dagger then Wish!Rumple will also lose his powers and he’s totally not into that.

A quick revenge council is formed of Regina, Henry, Killian and Gold with Henry vaguely thinking about accepting the deal but Regina being clear they’re just going to kick all the arses especially since this Killian is Wish!Killian he has connections with the Wish Realm and he can totally teleport to this realm with his hook. Apparently?

Henry thinks he should go alone because he has delusions of competence? I mean Regina with all her magic, Gold the Dark one and Killian pirate with magic hook. But failed writer is definitely the guy who should lead this? Shall I mention, yet again, that this series has utterly failed to establish Henry as something useful? I mean, he’s the author, he’s the grandson of the Dark One, son of the Evil Queen and the Saviour - you could have loaded this character with woo-woo.

So through to the Wish Realm and what i think is the beginning of a big cast reunion for Once Upon a Time. They’re split into Regina & Henry team A who are in Rumple’s much much much darker castle complete with Peter Pan (Rumple’s father - yes you remember the Neverland storyline I don’t care if your therapist has urged you to blank it from your mind. At least it isn’t the Frozen storyline) who is kept in stocks because Wish!Rumple holds All the Grudges. They don’t even pretend to care and certainly don’t release him but Rumple does show up to show them that he’s locked Cinderella and Lucy in a snow globe. As one does.

Oh and they find Cruella who Rumple has brought in for the big reunion and to defend his castle. Cruella, a woman with no magic or fighting skills. Cruella, a woman who’s main villainy is distasteful fur trade. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s super cool but this is just bizarre. Especially since for some reason they give her the ability to sword fight (why? She’s from a Flapper 1920s time line. Flappers don’t fence! Give her a Tommy gun) and then she fights with Henry (in that coat!!! I don’t care what kind of ninja you are, you can’t fight in that coat) while Regina watches because we have to pretend Henry is useful and Regina couldn’t fry Cruella with a snap of her fingers.

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 20: Is This Henry Mills?

Gothel is casting her apocalypse spell and things are looking ominous.

Lucy is quick to fill in Regina including that Henry and Jacinda kissed and the curse didn’t break and Henry doesn’t have his memories. Gothel also drops in to basically say how evil she is and how all humanity will die. Y’know just in case we missed that this spell was a bad thing

Regina’s not having this, of course: but Gothel also happily lays out why the curse didn’t break. It seems Henry’s belief isn’t strong enough because he’s suffered too much pain: he beliefs his wife and child are dead. He’s an adult now without the faith he has as a child

This is where we also have a lot of recaps of young Henry and Regina. There’s a lot of Regina both trying to hang on to her boy but also accepting she needs to let go and he needs to be able to live his own life - even if that’s outside of Storybrooke. Even if that’s in California. While Henry has his own conflicts - he doesn’t want to stay in Storybrooke not just because he wants to move on and see the world but because he’s the only person in Storybrooke who didn’t have a cursed identity. He is of this world more than any of them and he wants to be part of it

At the same time when applying for college he realised everything he’s writing is a lie - and he’s not entirely of this world either. The magic and wonder of Storybrooke is equally part of him and not something he can ever live or experience in the outside world - which is also complicated

And I want to know where Granny learned how to fix cars.

Back in Hyperion Heights, Regina continues to struggle to find some way to stop Gothel - and Rumple arrives offering help. Regina is not amused to see him given his betrayal - but Rumple has a peace offering - a memory potion which may work on Henry. He has been doing some thinking - he’s beginning to accept he may new reunite with Belle. In which case he needs to do the best he can with the family he already has.

Which is nice to have him back on side, at least for a little while until Rumple has yet another of his many many changes of hearts.

Unfortunately when Regina goes to Henry with this potion it doesn’t work. More, despite all this theorising last episode, Henry has gone back to completely disbelieving in magic; that he can’t be Lucy’s father, that there is no special magic or woo-woo at all. Every doubt he has he rationalionises… like an adult. Everything Regina says, Henry has a reasonable explanation for. Because he’s not a wide eyed child, not the Truest Believer (which has always struck me as a bizarre title - like “I’m the man with the least connection to humanity!”), he’s a man who has suffered losses and faced brutal, bitter reality. And, also, saying “I’m your mother, here’s the adoption papers” isn’t exactly an easy sell.

And Regina realises that his pain is based on solid reality - because those his wife and child didn’t die, he did lose them and he wasn’t able to protect them. Even the Storybook which she and Lucy dig up from Victoria’s grave doesn’t break the curse.

Of course part of why it’s so unbelievable is not just fairy tales - but time travel. This curse, to succeed, didn’t just curse them and drop them on Earth, but also moved them back in time. This was necessary, per the show, to stop people like Snow White and Emma from intervening once Henry, Regina et al fell off the map. Which sounds like a decent way to explain where these people went, I guess. All those flashbacks aren’t actually flashbacks - young Henry debating going to college with Regina is happening now - but on the other side of America. They’re in Storybrook (New England) along with Emma, Snow, et al which is why none of them are riding to the rescue

Yes it’s going to get confusing

Once Upon a Time: Season 7, Episode 19: Flower Child

It’s time for us to see the history of Gothel and finally get some motivations. And this could have been done some time before and not have left us all guessing

Gothel isn’t human. She’s a tree nymph. But wasn’t all that thrilled with tree nymphness, despite being the heir to all that magic and responsibility and instead wanted to hang with humans and their pretty dresses. Her mother was very confident she’d see sense. Unsurprisingly, she doesn’t. Instead she goes to see some rich humans and is spotted using magic. But rather than be afraid these humans, led by a woman called Ilsa, are all fascinated and insist she teach them and invite them to their ball with all the other fine rich people

Only to then humiliate her and call her an abomination. And then cut down her grove and slaughter all the tree nymphs there. Y’know I can kind of see this. I mean humanity and people who are different/shit we don’t understand? Does not have a good track record. What I can’t see is Ilsa ordering the slaughtering of the grove but being content with plastering Gothel’s pretty dress with mud. I mean, let’s engage in some light genocide and dress ruining?

Gothel is most upset and declares epic revenge against mankind which are a terrible affront to nature and slaughters Isla and all her guests with plant magic. Except Seraphina, who has magic of her own which she kept hidden out of fear and now admires Gothel’s courage - and becomes the first coven member. Returning to the grove, Gothel explains even though wiped out humans will come back so they have to leave and recruit more so they can have another round of purging

What’s interesting is she also says humans have finally “created” a land without magic - the only such land that exists. Suggesting Earth is artificial.

But we have a motivation for Gothel - who was apparently hunting the Guardian for… what? Magic? Either way I think in the last 19 episodes some indication of genocidal hatred for humanity and/or an extreme eco-activist bent could have been hinted at

In the real world she begins her evil plan by corrupting a cop to wake her sisters and harvesting blood from Margot for her nefarious plans (and also finally ranting about humanity being the biggest pest - and, again, this is rather out of the blue). And she finally approaches Tilly. She introduces herself as her mother and suggests Tilly join her and they can be one big happy family again

To which Tilly responds that Gothel either a) is lying, or b) abandoned her as a baby. And either way

And she goes to Killian

Killian is having issues. He’s finally decided that hey, letting Naveen go because he was wandering around a crime scene is a bad idea so let’s have an interview. And Naveen basically says “MAGIC!!!! WITCHES! MAGIC!!!” and Killian says “this is madness! Foolishness I say” but Naveen points out he has an autopsy report of a guy being stabbed in the heart from the inside so MAAAAAGIC MAGIC MAGIC.

Once Upon a Time, season 7, Episode 18: The Guardian

Starting with the magical past, Rumple is all sad over Belle and trying to talk to her using an altar which is all full of hearts… and vodun. It’s no surprise when Facilier shows up and decides to make a play for the dagger - using one of his voodoo dolls

Needless to say that doesn’t really work with the Dark One. And he gets a strangling in return. But he manages to remind Rumple that going evil won’t help him reunite with Belle. He claims to hear what Belle says since he hears the dead and is worried that if Rumple doesn’t find the Guardian soon the darkness inside him will grow and take over.

And he has a point because Rumple’s hands are starting to turn gold again a good sign that he’s going dark sidey. He has found a potential Guardian - Alice. But he needs to test her to see if she’s good enough. Kind of how Gothel tested everyone to destruction.

The problem is that Killian has noticed Rumple watching Alice and is Not Happy because he’s always had issued with the “crocodile” and Alice seems to be getting all cute and happy with Robin. Rumple also can’t heal his heart because the curse on Killian is black magic and needs blacker magic to fix

But despite the warnings from Killian he uses this potential for a cure to manipulate Alice in true Dark One fashion. She ignores all warnings if there’s a chance of a cure and runs with the Dark One to Facilier - and rips out Facilier’s heart following Rumple’s instruction (damn this heart ripping stuff is easy to learn) and therefore, apparently, leaving Rumple’s own dark heart clean

I’m not even sure that Once Upon a Time’s broken morality would accept that as true. We see Ruimple’s hands become more and more gold and as they do his mannerisms slip more and more to the Dark One, his voice, the gestures the language - it’s really well done.

He tells Alice to heal her dad of the curse he has to crush Facilier’s heart. But despite lots of coaxing Alice refuses

And lo, we have a Guardian test - which she passed. Rumple follows her - and his mannerism settle back more normal.

He goes to the shrine and Alice follows talking about how hard it must be to be separated from who he loves and how happy she is to have found Robin and be free from all towers. And she uses her Guardian-ness to take his dagger, it’s all really impressive with lots of shining white light, the dagger has his name stripped from it and is reduced to energy and Alice looks all shiny and amazing - but Rumple stops her

I thought for a moment he did it for the power - but he says he did it for her. Because doing this would make Alice immortal and, having just lost Belle, he knows how much being immortal can hurt without the one you love. It’s another tower.

When next we see Rumple he’s fully golden, complete Dark One - and Killian thanks him for saving his daughter from being immortal. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I’ve never bought this whole idea of immortality as a terrible curse. Because of that I can’t help but feel there’s a power hungry motive to Rumple’s actions here. Which is only more likely now he’s gone full dark one again

And in the present Killian and Rumple discover that Hansel has died in their custody - and find Facilier’s pin. Rumple panics and goes to check the evidence locker - his dagger is also missing. Enraged and scared he runs out leaving poor Killian to deal with the fallout

Of which there is absolutely none. I mean a man dies in custody, just as the CCTV conveniently goes down and there’s no worry about the fallout from this? Nick is a wealthy white man, a lawyer for gods’ sake - don’t tell me that the shit wouldn’t rain down in diarrhea like rivers!

Jacinda is all kind of troubled that Nick, her ex and father of her child is a serial killer. Henry almost comforts her but is more concerned with the weird things Nick says and even says he’s not ready to talk about them yet to Jacinda. And I get it but at the same time how can this not seem terrible to her? She’s worried about how she misjudged the man she had a child with and Henry, a man who knew Nick for about 2 days suddenly can’t talk about him? Huh

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 17: Chosen

This episode is all about Zelena and her ability to speak about herself in the third person to try and pretend all the villain stuff she did was totally not her fault and everyone deciding that she’s actually achieved redemption by refraining from cutting someone’s throat. Because we have a low bar for redemption these days.

So back in the past we see that Hansel and Gretel and the sugar obsessed witch were all in Oz. And Zelena doesn’t tolerate other magic users in Oz so she goes to give the witch her marching orders (completely ignoring the captured children and really not caring about them) only to be defeated by the sugary witch whose entire repertoire seems to involve throwing giant confections at people. I mean I get being thematic and all, but I think someone throwing hard candy at me isn’t quite as menacing as fireballs

But probably more menacing than flying monkeys because.. Monkeys, really?

Anyway she’s defeated and is found, unconscious and magicless by Ivo who takes her in and makes her feel all welcome and it’s all sweet and touching. He’s blind so can’t see her green skin and also Hansel and Gretel’s father and very worried about them. He goes out looking every night and Zelena can’t bring herself to say where the kids are and that she didn’t help them even as he is nicer and kinder and more supportive

Eventually she builds up the courage, confronts Candy Witch and even steals her eyesight for Ivo - but the kids are gone. She assumes eaten. She returns to tell ivo the bad news only to find that the kids have escaped and have already told Ivo about her complete inaction. Oopsie. Which means she was completely silent while he went out looking every night. Ouch.

Zelena protests she wants another chance, offering to cure his sight and generally claim she changed while throwing in a side about how he’s the only one who was ever nice to her. This isn’t convincing and he kicks her out. So in spite, Zelena throws the sight cure in the fire and when Hansel confronts her with a knife she uses magic to burn his arms - which is where his scars come from, not diabetes witch’s oven.

Which is the source of his grudge

And in the present Nick/Jack/Hansel, fully awake and aware has kidnapped Henry. He keeps trying to make Henry understand since they were such good friends and even goes on to how he called himself Jack and killed many giants with Henry because they had so many adventures. Of course, Henry isn’t awake and even when shown the medical proof that he is Lucy’s father doesn’t break the curse. Henry continues to try and use whatever manipulation he can on Nick who just sees through it, frustrated because he knows Henry’s tactics and annoyed because he knows Henry isn’t awake.

Zelena herself is having issued because Chad keeps calling wondering why she vanished. Zelena misses being Kelly, a nicy, if somewhat hippy-ish woman who was kind and inoffensive and had no bad history and loved by a good man. Regina realises that being cursed wasn’t a curse to her - it was a holiday. A holiday from being Zelena, from having to live with who she was. And she didn’t have to face being hunted by a serial killer - because she is the latest recipient of a box of chocolates.

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 15: Sisterhood

Time to catch up with… honestly people who aren’t Regina, Killian or Rumple so… I kind of have trouble caring. I say again, this was a mistake of the reboot

But we have Drizilla and her and Anna as children and being all “yay sisters forever” which, of course, didn’t exactly work out that way

She grows up and becomes the revenge  obsessed woman we know and don’t really love and continues to plot for an epic cursed revenge rather than just, say, stabbing her mother in the face

So many plot lines would be so much shorter if villains realised the value of face stabbing

And she needs more magic which is where Gothel turns up to be all devil on her shoulder offering shinies. Including a membership in the Coven of the 8 to cast the evil curse that Regina casts on her own because Regina is like 10 times more awesome than everyone else. Drizilla is reluctant but agrees

This is kind of a theme this episode. Gothel says “do evil thing!” Drizilla says no. Then she agrees.

Turns out there isn’t one candidate there are many including Gretel - of Hansel and Gretel - who has sugar based magic and a lot of angst over her brother with severe burns and mental problems. She and Drizilla ally, become firm friends and Drizilla wants to leave the coven and make their own working together. Except Gothel has already messed it up, giving them both blades and telling them to stab each other for membership. Which isn’t much of a magical test really. What if the Coven of the 8 has no magic but lots of good knife wielders? Drizilla declares, because she’s on a redemption train, she really doesn’t want to do this but Gretel attacks anyway and, unsurprisingly, Drizilla has to kill her and she gets her Coven8 membership while being all sad about it

In the present Drizilla plans to find her sister to make amends except Gothel arrives to mix it again. Drizilla has been delivered one of the box of chocolates that means she’s now being targetted by a serial killer (hmmm, the serial killer uses sweet things as a signature? How… potentially revealing) and how she totally needs Gothel’s help

Drizilla adamantly refuses as she knows Gothel only wants Anastasia because the power of the Guardian lets you get the Dark One Dagger. I guess. I mean, was this known? Did we know this was Gothel’s motive? Because I’m sure we didn’t know everyone was all scavenger hunting the Dark One Dagger

But she is then attacked by the masked killer in the car park. She escapes because Drizilla can hold her own and runs to safety - Regina’s bar - and asks for help

To which Regina looks at the woman who poisoned her son who is now asking for help and plans 26 different ways to stab her in painful places. But she’s a better person now… so agrees to help and to let her stay in the bar where she is safe. But not before rubbing in that this is all Drizilla’s fault

Which is when Facilier shows up. He has an offer for Drizilla - give Anastasia to him, power up the magic bean of realm transport (there are hundreds of these things) and she can then run away through it. Or She can let Gothel have Anatasia. See, death/death option might as well chose the death that saves your own life, right?

How does Facilier know these are the only options? He’s read the cards. But no-one is wondering why the cards are more than colourful pieces of paper in this land without magic.

Regina goes to Rumple about this - who already knows all the facts. He collects secrets. It’s his thing. It is known. He’s a bit miffed Regina didn’t tell him facilier was after his dagger. But Regina is convinced she can change Facilier. Oh Regina, make better choices

(Oh Rumple isn’t following up on the serial killer case because he’s busy repairing Belle’s cup and wandering “new paths” and hoping the case fixes itself. Yes the Charmings have infected him. All you have to do is be saccharine sweet and everything just works out for you. Did I mention how much I hated the Charmings and their nonsense? This whole philosophy “be good and hope shit works out” is so passive and useless)

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 14: The Girl in the Tower

After the curse drove her dad off, Alice became ever more depressing and maudlin and… not entirely stable after having tea parties with hats and stuffed animals for presumably many many years

It’s played a little for comedy but we can equally see her pain and how much long term solitary confinement can be damaging to a person.

It‘s her birthday - and a giant troll rips the top off her tower. Other people would be mildly perturbed by this but Alice is not like most people. She greets the troll as a friend and is super happy that she’s now free. See that’s what it takes to break Gothel’s curse - a giant monster. Which then lifts her to freedom. Again, most people would hesitate to stepping into the palm of a giant monster’s hand

Some time later she goes to watch her father from afar, only to be captured by Robin as a spy. Well Robin tries to hold her at bow point but Alice runs anyway because ALICE. But she does run into a rather ridiculously elaborate trap instead so they can make introductions. Upon hearing Robin refer to Hook as “Nook” (new Hook, coined by Zelena) she decides to call Robin “Nobin”. Robin is not a fan while Alice continues to be most bizarre.

Robin is tracking a great big house destroying monster which Alice objects to because she’s good friends with said destructive monster. Robin runs off leaving Alice behind - but Alice is fast and stubborn and very defensive of monsters dangerous enough to count as natural disasters. She’s also brave enough to tell a room full of angry fire-and-pitchfork villagers (who have had their houses destroyed) that the troll is her friend and they’re all terribad people for wanting to kill it

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 13: Knightfall

To the past, where we have Killian, carrying on his role of hot leather wearing dilf. Oh and there’s a child being all precious and sad because she can’t leave her magic tower and is totally preventing her hot dad from getting out there and into my life.

Ahem

Anyway…

No wait just a bit more…

Ok I’m good now. Honest

So. Sad Alice is sad because she’s all isolated. And she’s also having ominous possibly prophetic dreams about Mother Gothel coming back and doing terribad awful things.

Not the face!!!! Take the child!

Killian decides he’s going to bite the bullet and go for the darkest of possible routes to find a way to save his daughter - going to the Dark One and ask for a magical favour: yes he is giving up his revenge fantasies against the crocodile in favour of protecting his daughter. Awwwww. Except of course at this point Rumple is in an anti-magic cage which is something of a problem so he needs a magical tool to free him (and Alice). Maui’s hook. Which is currently held by Captain Ahab

Ahab is the new hot pirate who thinks he has replaced Killian and is dying to pick a fight with Killian to prove who is the better pirate

(accept no imitations!)

Getting the fish-hook is easy as Killian wins it in a simple hand of dice. But Ahab accuses him of losing his edge, that he has given up his vengeance on the Crocodile, while Ahab is still properly obsessed with his white whale.

See defining pirate trait is apparently unhealthy obsession?

Killian returns to the Dark One - but Ahab follows, now vindicated that Killian has lost his edge because he’s actually enlisting the Dark One’s help to save his daughter rather than get his proper vengeance and all that. Even the Dark One keeps telling him to stop faffing about, let him out, he can kill Ahab and Killian’s reputation will all be intact

Instead Killian decides to duel Ahab with pistols. Because obsession and pistols are the things that defines pirates. Did this show just forget that pirates are supposed to steal shit?