Written-By-Numbers Drinking Game: CW Shows

When you consume as much media as we do, the sense of de ja vu is inevitable, there are many ways to cope with this. You can curse randomly, you can break your electronics - or you can make up fun drinking games.

While it may damage our drinks cabinets and certainly our livers, this has always been a favourite.

And this week, we’re going to look at the supernatural related shows on the CW. The CW is a network that has produced a surprising large number of speculative fictions shows which are immensely popular but, barring a few notable exceptions, we see some considerable patterns.

And, frankly, a big bottle of booze is the only way I survived The Tomorrow People

• Age:
• +1 drink if the protagonist is a teenager
• +1 drink if most of the cast are teenagers
• +1 drink if everyone turns to said teenager for guidance
• +1 drink even if the followers are more experienced
• +1 drink even if the world is COMPLETELY NEW to the protag
• +1 drink if they actually become the leader
• +1 drink if the actor is over 25
• empty the glass if they’re pushing 30 (or more! +1 glass for every 5 years over)
• empty the glass if there’s no way they could possibly pass for less than 20
• +1 drink if they don’t act even slightly like teengers!
• +1 drink parents/guardians are never around
• empty the damn glass if they HAVE no guardians and live alone
• empty the damn glass if they live alone AND have no discernable source of income
• +1 drink if they drink hard liquor
• empty the damn glass if they do this regularly, in public and no adult comments on it (1 glass each)
• +1 drink if they never attend school
• +1 drink if they do attend school, but don’t actually attend lessons
• empty the damn glass if they still graduate
• empty the damn bottle if they still get into college
• SPECIAL BONUS ROUND! In the unlikely event of the protagonist actually being an adult:
• +1 drink if they don’t work, yet still have income
• +1 drink if they have a job but never actually do it

• Friendship (or at least likes them)
• +1 drink if everyone loves the protagonist
• +1 drink if there is no discernable reason why
• +1 drink for every friend who is incredibly loyal beyond all reasonable degree
• empty the damn glass if said friend will risk job/future/life for protagonist
• +1 drink if friends do sacrifice themselves for the protag (+1 drink per sacrifice)
• empty the damn glass if said friend became a friend with no explanation
• empty the damn glass if said friend gets nothing from the friendship
• empty the damn glass if said friend is a minority
• empty the damn bottle if said friend has useful woo-woo

Written-By-Numbers Drinking Game: Dystopian

Sometimes, when we read a book we get a dreadful sense of deja vu, almost like we’ve read the book before. After a brief desperate hope that we’ve developed some kind of psychic powers or perhaps have discovered Time Travel, we succumb to disappointment (and check that the Doctor isn’t in the next room. Just in case) and realise nothing supernatural is afoot - what we’ve got is another book that has been Written-by-Numbers.

Yes, like those paint by numbers kits we all did as children, it’s a book that feels it’s been written following a pre-set pattern. At each stage the same old clichés are faithfully followed more rigidly than any fundamentalist ever adhered to his dogma. The result is often called a rip-off by some critics but I have to disagree - it’s just that so many books are following the same rigid patterns that they feel like they’re copying each other. Not so, they are merely all worshipping at the altar of the same tired clichés and flogging the zombie horse of overused tropes.

So how to get through one of these books that, while not bad enough to DNF, does feel like a reanimated Frankenstein’s monster of old tropes sewn together by an inept hand?

We propose a drinking game! And this week, it’s for Dystopian. Grab your bottles, folks and prepare the stomach pumps (we are not responsible for any alcohol poisoning that may develop)

Written-By-Numbers Drinking Game: Urban Fantasy

With yet more deja-vu assaulting us, it's time for another Written-by-Numbers drinking game!

And this week, it’s for Urban Fantasy. Grab your bottles, folks and prepare the stomach pumps (we are not responsible for any alcohol poisoning that may develop - in extreme cases you may want to drink non-alcoholic beverages or American beer))

The Protagonist - magic and work!: +1 drink if:

• She has super-duper woo-woo powers that are super special
• +1 drink for every element of them that is superduper rare
• +1 drink if she’s super-duper strong
• Empty the damn glass if she’s the only one with this power, ever
• Empty the damn bottle if there’s no explanation why she has this power

• She has magical powers she DOESN’T USE
• +1 drink if she’s afraid of them (+1 extra drink if it’s never explained why she should be)
• +1 drink if she thinks they’re evil (+1 extra drink it;s never explained why she does)
• +1 drink if she can’t control them
• Empty the damn glass if she just doesn’t use them for no apparent reason.

• She grows more powerful as the series progresses
• +1 drink she has leaps in power with no apparent reason or cause
• Empty the damn glass if the reason is “tried really hard in emotional stress”
• Empty the damn glass if she gains entirely new powers
• Refill the glass and empty again if these powers aren’t even closely related to her current powers
• Empty the damn bottle if she gains power so often it feels like levelling up in a computer game
• Raid the brewery and drink all the booze if it’s Anita Blake.

• She has a dark secret/hidden identity/curse (+1 drink per)

• She is a police detective or private investigator
• +1 drink if she has zero detective skills or experience
• +1 drink if she never does any actual investigation
• +1 drink if she hasn’t the slightest idea how the law works
• Empty the damn glass if the author has watched waaay too much CSI
• Empty the bottle if the “mystery” is solved by the bad guy attacking the protagonist

• Despite NOT being a police detective or private investigator, she still ends up investigating a crime
• Apply all the drinks above
• +1 drink if she hardly ever attends her real job
• Empty the damn glass if you forget she has a real job

BONUS DRINKS FOR TV SERIES: +1 drink for:

• Successfully “enhancing” CCTV images to see the impossible - like someone’s face reflected in a car mirror across a parking lot
• DNA results returned within the hour
• Hacking. Just hacking, because there’s no way in hell the depiction won’t be laughable.
• Warrants? Who needs warrants?!
• Or warrants - let’s go ask the judge, he hands them out like sweet sweet candy
• Aggressive interview with a lawyer present who sits there silently. Could save money and just have a cardboard cutout

Written-By-Numbers Drinking Game: Paranormal Romance

With yet more deja-vu assaulting us, it's time for another Written-by-Numbers drinking game!

And this week, it’s for Paranormal Romance. Grab your bottles, folks and prepare the stomach pumps (we are not responsible for any alcohol poisoning that may develop - in extreme cases you may want to drink non-alcoholic beverages or American beer))

The Protagonist +1 drink if

• Protagonist is sexually inexperienced
• +1 drink if actually a virgin
• +1 drink if previous romantic interests were terrible

• Protagonist is conventionally attractive but considers herself ugly
• +1 drink if she considers herself “fat” which actually means “has curves and big breasts”
• +1 drink for every conventionally attractive feature she finds hideous
• +1 drink if she feels the need to describe herself at length

• Protagonist believes she will die an old maid surrounded by cats
• +1 drink if she’s under 40
• empty the glass if she’s under 30
• empty the bottle if she’s under 25

• Protagonist has a pointless/unfulfilled life
• +1 drink for miserable relationships
• +1 drink for lonely
• +1 drink for dead end job
• +1 drink for no job

The Love Interest +1 drink if

• Even if thousands of year old, he will adhere to modern beauty standards and have perfect teeth

• Has a ridiculously huge penis
• +1 drink if the actual measurements are described
• finish the damn glass for a hyperbolic description (“size of a baby’s arm” “couldn’t wrap fist around it”)
• finish the damn glass if virginal heroine has no problem with this

• Is a supernatural creature that mystically “bonds” with their mate
• +1 drink if said bond makes him obsessive
• +1 drink if said bond makes him jealous
• Finish the damn glass if said bond makes him violent

• Is a supernatural creature that could hurt or kill his lover
• +1 drink if she doesn’t even pause to think about it
• finish the damn glass if he’s ESPECIALLY dangerous to her

• Has a terrible tragic, horrendous past
• +1 drink murdered family
• +1 drink betrayed
• +1 drink enslaved
• +1 drink tortured
• +1 drink raped
• All of the above: Finish the bottle.
• Finish the glass if tragic past means he can’t trust or love ever again
• Refill the glass and empty again if tragic past means he tries to drive the Protagonist away and treats her like shit
• Empty bottle if the magical healing vagina cures centuries of torture.