With yet more deja-vu assaulting us, it's time for another Written-by-Numbers drinking game!
And this week, it’s for Paranormal Romance. Grab your bottles, folks and prepare the stomach pumps (we are not responsible for any alcohol poisoning that may develop - in extreme cases you may want to drink non-alcoholic beverages or American beer))
The Protagonist +1 drink if
- Protagonist is sexually inexperienced
- +1 drink if actually a virgin
- +1 drink if previous romantic interests were terrible
- Protagonist is conventionally attractive but considers herself ugly
- +1 drink if she considers herself “fat” which actually means “has curves and big breasts”
- +1 drink for every conventionally attractive feature she finds hideous
- +1 drink if she feels the need to describe herself at length
- Protagonist believes she will die an old maid surrounded by cats
- +1 drink if she’s under 40
- empty the glass if she’s under 30
- empty the bottle if she’s under 25
- Protagonist has a pointless/unfulfilled life
- +1 drink for miserable relationships
- +1 drink for lonely
- +1 drink for dead end job
- +1 drink for no job
The Love Interest +1 drink if
- Even if thousands of year old, he will adhere to modern beauty standards and have perfect teeth
- Has a ridiculously huge penis
- +1 drink if the actual measurements are described
- finish the damn glass for a hyperbolic description (“size of a baby’s arm” “couldn’t wrap fist around it”)
- finish the damn glass if virginal heroine has no problem with this
- Is a supernatural creature that mystically “bonds” with their mate
- +1 drink if said bond makes him obsessive
- +1 drink if said bond makes him jealous
- Finish the damn glass if said bond makes him violent
- Is a supernatural creature that could hurt or kill his lover
- +1 drink if she doesn’t even pause to think about it
- finish the damn glass if he’s ESPECIALLY dangerous to her
- Has a terrible tragic, horrendous past
- +1 drink murdered family
- +1 drink betrayed
- +1 drink enslaved
- +1 drink tortured
- +1 drink raped
- All of the above: Finish the bottle.
- Finish the glass if tragic past means he can’t trust or love ever again
- Refill the glass and empty again if tragic past means he tries to drive the Protagonist away and treats her like shit
- Empty bottle if the magical healing vagina cures centuries of torture.
The Romance +1 drink if
- If fall in love within seconds of meeting - love, not lust
- +1 drink if before they learn each other’s names
- “No means yes”
- +1 drink if he flirts when she’s told him to stop
- +1 drink if he touches her when she doesn’t want him to (per touch)
- +1 drink if he “smells her desire”
- Finish the damn glass if he forces a kiss on her
- finish the damn bottle if he physically pins her against a wall/floor/bed
- Per ridiculous conflict used to keep them apart including:
- +1 drink per misunderstanding
- +1 drink if said misunderstanding could easily have been resolved if they’d just talked to each other
- +1 drink for social taboo that just disappears
- +1 drink for anti-sex morality
- The Love interest has a terrible, dark past the Protagonist ignores
- +1 drink if it puts her in danger
- +1 drink if Love Interest is actively evil
- finish the damn glass if he’s a mass murderer
- Love interest repeatedly lashes out at Protagonist because of his epic dark pain
- finish the damn glass if she gets more obsessed and PITIES him the more vicious he becomes
- +1 drink if her gentle super loving melts him (and acts as, say, 3 years of solid therapy)
- Stalking is considered romantic
- +1 drink if one party follows the other even when they’re not interested
- +1 drink if they hate anyone of the opposite gender being near their love interest
- finish the damn glass if he tries to control the Protagonist’s life for “her own good
- Possession is considered sexy
- +1 drink every time the Love Interest calls the Protagonist “his”
- +1 drink if he talks about marking her
- Happily Ever After means she abandons her old life
- Empty the Damn Glass if she abandons her career
- Empty the Damn Glass if she abandons her family
- Empty the Damn Bottle if she had neither anyway
The Sex +1 drink
- Per scene in which over a paragraph is spent describing the other
- +1 drink if the description is nearly a copy and paste of the last one
- +1 drink if either/both parties are obsessed about how hot the other is in grossly inappropriate circumstances (running for their lives, locked in a dungeon etc)
- Finish the damn glass if they think how sexy the other is while actively in combat
- Finish the damn bottle if they stop to have sex!
- Woo-woo makes them super-duper attracted to each other
- +1 drink if pre-ordained mates
- +1 drink involuntary magical bonding
- +1 drink if either party makes it clear they don’t want to be attracted to each other
- Finish the damn glass if magically FORCED to have sex
- Finish the damn glass if no-one considers it rape
- sex scene lasts longer than 5 pages
- +1 drink if sex scene lasts longer than 10 pages
- Empty glass if sex scene lasts an entire chapter
- Empty bottle and log into a porn site instead if sex scenes take up more than half the book.
- If the partners have perfectly synchronised orgasms
- +1 drink if it’s always synchronised
- +1 drink if she orgasms on demand (“come for me!”)
- finish the damn drank if every orgasm is multiple
- finish the damn glass if the guy needs zero recovery time and is good to go over and over and over again like the Duracelle bunny
- If the partners scream during orgasm
- +1 drink if they sound like they’re being murdered
- +1 drink if they scream during every orgasm
- finish the glass if they go BLIND from orgasm
- finish the damn bottle if they pass out from orgasm
- +1 drink if the sex is so vigourous it leaves her with a “delicious soreness”
- Finish the damn glass if she uses the words “delicious soreness” or “silken bruise”
- Finish the damn bottle if she applies an ice pack to her vagina
- +1 drink and email the author some imaginative porn if perfectly tame sex is considered kinky
- +1 drink for utterly shocking velcro cuffs
- +1 drink for truly EDGY mild BDSM
- finish the damn glass if this involves mere pinning of the wrists
- finish the damn glass if the protagonist angsts about this
- If neither party can use the word “vagina”
- +1 drink if they’re openly embarrassed by the word
- +1 drink if they can’t even refer to the word in their own heads
- +1 drink for every ridiculous euphemism (“yahoo palace”, “love grotto”)
- They don’t clean up after sex (+1 drink per sex scene without at least a pretence of hygiene afterwards)
