Tuesday, August 19, 2014

True Blood, Season 7, Episode 9: Love is to Die

Bill’s excuse for not drinking the cure is that he has accepted his fate – even though it now doesn’t have to be his fate and is now a form of chosen suicide as Sookie of all people points out. And when Sookie is the one speaking sense you know how bad things have got. So he chooses – the True death. Jessica curses him and storms off and Bill turns his angsty eyes to Sookie who promptly slaps him. He can’t explain himself so Sookie keeps slapping him until Eric intervenes. Eric tells him to leave but, before he does, Jessica demands Bill release her. He does.

Bill leaves, leaving Jessica and Sookie to cry on Eric and Pam’s shoulders (“cry on my jacket and you’re paying for it sweetheart”. Yes, Pam).

Jessica and Sookie go to Sam’s trailer (for reasons) and, laughably, Jessica checks if it’s safe for Sookie to be out at night alone. Yes, Sookie has spent the whole season running around at night with her fairy blood and throwing away her phone but now we check if it’s safe. Anyway, the trailer is empty – as in completely stripped bare – there’s just a letter from Sam saying he’s off to Chicago with Nicole (and how understanding she is that he writes letters to other women saying how he loves them). Personally I think Sam considered Tara and Alcide, realised he was a loose end and got out of town before he was conveniently killed off.

They go to Bellefleurs (since Sam’s trailer’s in the parking lot which made more sense when he owned the place) which is opening for business despite there being zero customers because Arlene’s putting on her positive face. Sookie realises everyone may actually be having fun so tells them all that Sam is gone. That’ll teach them to be happy in her presence.  She gives Andy his letter from Sam which is basically his resignation.

James takes a moment to say sorry to Jessica who gives him her blessing to be with Lafayette- and leaves her nice and blame free to go pursue Hoyt. Speaking of, he and Bridget are arguing because she’s outraged that he doesn’t want kids. He says he doesn’t want to have kids- at least not yet (or so I interpret the whole “that’s not where I’m at” line). She’s also super jealous because of Jessica which is when Jessica decides to knock on the door.

Jessica is there with her remarkably good timing to tell Hoyt they used to be together. Bridget gives him an ultimatum – stay inside and ignore Jessica or go out to her and then she and him are through. Hoyt chooses option two – speak to a near stranger rather than stay with the woman he’s supposed to love – but the fact SHE gave him the ultimatum will make her the bad guy of the piece.

Bridget decides to call Jason because, why not. He rushes over and Hoyt decides to knock him unconscious for some reason (no, Hoyt hasn’t got his memories back). Bridget decides to pack up the unconscious Jason into his car and take him for a drive (she says to go to the hospital so it’s not quite as creepy as it sounds). They go to his house instead where he gets her a flight back to Alaska using his magic sexiness over the phone. Jason then applies frozen vegetables to his crotch to try and restrain his libido, no, really. And Bridget declares girls like Jason because he’s sweet and kind (uh-huh, the fact he has the body that would make a Greek god weep with envy is totally not part of it). Jason tells Bridget the story of him, Jessica and Hoyt and the memory erasure – and we get a cut of Hoyt and Jessica having sex. Bridget decides to take Jason to bed to teach him how not to have sex with someone.

…there’s logic there somewhere, I’m sure. This apparently involves lying in bed together discussing deeply personal secrets. Oh and Jason wants kids because REPRODUCTION YAY is a theme of the day. Also, I don’t understand how the way to be with someone and not have sex is to get into bed together, discuss intimate secrets and the conception of children. This does not strike me as a conductive means to dispel sexual chemistry.

At Bellefleurs, everyone is sat at the long table eating and partying except Sookie who is sat all alone at the bar, like she’s trying to make everyone feel bad. She tells Arlene about her tragedy and asks, basically, how Arlene manages since her life is such a tragic mess. We also throw in that Sookie didn’t give Alcide a chance because she was pining about Bill.

Eric decides to go tell Bill he needs to live for Sookie’s sake. But no, Bill is dying for Sookie, so she can get over him and move on which she can’t possibly do while he’s alive (oh dear gods, how to even unpack this? Why is everything about SOOKIE?! And, really Bill, really? How colossal is your ego?!) He also had a fever dream about Sookie giving birth to death which is the terribadness of being a vampire. Also he wants to explain his decision to Sookie – that he’s basically committing suicide because he’s just so damn special there’s no way she could move on without him. Y’know, just in case she’s not feeling bad enough about his death

Eric collects Sookie to take her home and pass on Bill’s wish to visit her.

For some unknown reason Pam decides to give Sarah a make over (and call her “Twat-lips” which is all kinds of pathetic) apparently part of her plan to turn Sarah into a prostitute or something.  It’s another earner – with Nublood being only a temporary cure, that makes Sarah’s actual blood with the real cure super duper special and valuable.

Eric goes back to Fangtasia to find an very annoyed Ginger who is pissed that Eric has not bothered to tell her he’s not dying. In a deeply frustrated and angry voice, Eric apologises and offers to sleep with her; Ginger’s lifelong dream. On the throne of course. And it’s a hot mess of comic awful.

In the less comic, the yakuza are angry, have taken Pam prisoner and tied her to a table. You are kidding me, how many times this season is Pam going to be held hostage?! Does she get frequent kidnap tokens for this? On her tenth kidnap does she get a free cake with a file in it? Gus is angry because Sookie knows about Sarah.

This is also ridiculous, yes they have Pam imprisoned but if they kill her Eric is then free to kill ALL of them. They’re in an enclosed space, they’re human, Eric is a vampire. His threat shouldn’t be “I won’t join your business” it should be “you have no way to stop me killing you all”. He’s fast enough to reach the stake before it drops!

Bridget seems to have been written with the same careful, sensitive hand as Violet – almost parodies of themselves. I feel like the writer was a big fan of Jessica and Hoyt and decided they had to be together again – so everything was set up to MAKE IT SO and in such a way that Jessica and Hoyt would somehow not be the villains of the piece (or be only minorly villainish). James, Lafayette, Bridget and even Violet are all thrown in with little writing or nuance or development to free Jessica, Jason and Hoyt up with minimal blame sticking to them.  Both storylines are just awful, beyond implausible and utterly cringeworthy.

Also note the clumsy not wanting kids as somehow proof of not really loving her. If they were meant to be, they’d be pushing out little ‘uns, they would! And get the not-so-subtle “I can’t give Sookie BABIES! I can only give death, not life!” from Bill as well.  Then there’s Jason assuring Bridget that he does like kids. Was the human race decimated and there’s a sudden need to be fruitful and multiply or something?

I’m actually quite glad they can’t breed simply because Bill and Sookie are so damn awful that their child may actually inspire a dystopian spin off as Bilkie (yes I did. No I regret nothing) is so self-absorbed he exerts his own gravitational pull.

And I was all prepared to make a big point about suicidal people not needing judgement or condemnation  or accusations of selfishness – but then we got “it’s so Sookie can get over me!” and I’ve been swearing so much ever since it’s beginning to sound like a mantra.

Keep this up True Blood and I not only won’t miss you after the next episode, I may throw a little party. Only my party won't have a blonde woman moping in the corner trying to bring everyone down.