Would vampires make good poker players?
Recently, vampires have risen from their slumber in their dusty coffins and sunk their fangs into the public’s imagination once again. Thanks to the Twilight Saga franchise, people have a renewed fascination with these mysterious creatures of the night so complex and enigmatic, yet troubled and misunderstood.
To help shake the vampire figure out of the funk it is usually cast, we’ve tried to re-imagine Count Dracula as a hard-nosed poker player who wouldn’t shy away from a gamble or two at the casino tables or the online rooms.
After all, poker, especially online poker, is a game most people play at night and considering how lonely it must feel inside a spooky castle without a live, juicy neck around we’d bet vampires would dig this modern hobby.
‘Stakes’ even a vampire would be comfortable with
Thanks to the terrific rise in popularity of online poker, any vampire could easily turn on their laptop, tablet or smartphone, log on to a poker website and open up an account. We’re sure they’d be tickled pink to find out about all the great bonus offers and promotions for new players.
Many a lonely night could be transformed into a profitable gambling caper thanks to real-money play and the opportunity to participate in poker tournaments against players from all around the world without having to put on those old-fashioned capes and fancy tuxedos again.
5 reasons why poker-playing vampires is a good idea
Based on our understanding of vampires, not the sparkly kind, their profile appears to be a perfect match with the qualities you'd expect to find in the ideal poker player.
Here are the top 5 characters that could turn any vampire into poker pro if only they’d open an online poker account when not terrorising us common mortals:
1 - They’re most active at night
We all know that vampires prowl for their next victims only at night. Unfortunately, finding an unsuspecting person to pounce upon is hard work, not to mention a major pain nowadays with all the security cameras.
Vampires will surely be better off lounging on a sofa near a roaring fireplace, glass of brandy at hand and hunting for fresh blood on the online poker rooms. All the best poker action happens at night, so vampires are naturally inclined to reach the peak of their bloodthirstiness when the action around the tables starts getting hot.
2 - They have that killer instinct
Vampires have an innate drive towards aggression that immediately sets them apart as assertive and risk-taking players who aren’t afraid to go all in when the situation demands that level of commitment.
Nobody’s bankroll is safe with a vampire at the tables. They’ll certainly grab onto it and suck the cash out of it till it’s bone dry. With this kind of attitude you’d expect them to fit right in with the most fearsome poker sharks on the web.
3 - Vampires never give up. Ever.
With the luxury of having an eternity to while away unless they encounter a stake of the wooden kind first, vampires aren’t ones to be intimidated by any kind of losses since they know they can afford to build up their accounts as many times as they like.
With the fear of failure having no place in their system, vampires are literally win-oriented machines who will stop at nothing to reach their goals. Even if they hit a snag, vampires are wise enough to know that all it takes is time to refocus on their target and pursue it till its all theirs.
4 - They’re incredibly clever and love refined pastimes
One of the most fascinating things about vampires is how these terrifying beings are equal parts visceral and incredibly cerebral as well. Unlike those mindless zombies, vampires are learned creatures who value knowledge and absorb new things like a Persian rug soaks up a bloodstain.
Once it enters their mind, it forms an indelible memory. Vampires would be exceptional at memorise complicated odds and learning new poker tactics that would frustrate even the most experienced pro. Luck doesn’t even have to figure in the equation for them to win!
5 - One icy, soul-searching stare is enough to make you fold
Finally, with a fearsome reputation like theirs, vampires would instil fear in the most hardened gambler, causing them to quit the game even before the cards have been dealt!
If you’re foolish enough to play with a vampire at the table, there’s no way you could read anything on their cold, emotionless faces. Like corpses they betray not a single clue to what’s passing through their mind, yet their inscrutable exterior would somehow convince you that no matter how this hand ends, the game will eventually be theirs.