Sunday, November 20, 2016

Vampire Diaries, Season 8, Episode 5: Coming Home Was a Mistake

Oh look. Sad music is sad

This entire episode revolves around big heavy emotions around characters I don’t care about, relationships I don’t care about or don’t buy or otherwise don’t invest in. It’s painful, more than a little dull and relies waaaay too much on us all caring about the extras and hangers on.

A lot of this involves lots and lots of grief around Tyler, everyone pretending he’s been an integral part of this show rather than a completely absent extra for several seasons. Everyone is sad. We have a funeral in a fair ground with everyone playing nice and everyone still managing to drag Elena into it.

It’s actually almost painful to hear everyone act like this is the worst ever when we consider how many many many many many many people have died.

Meanwhile Damon is having the same ongoing conflict because he think he’s totally killed everyone’s love and affection for him and broken all ties, woooo. Of course this is ridiculous because Damon has killed an enormous number of people and absolutely no-one has cared. Yep, Tyler’s not even cold yet and Stefan is already playing “oh poor Damon how do we bring him back”. Damon continues to be an arsehole but there’s absolutely no way that anyone is going to make him responsible for his actions (hah, you expected otherwise, this is Vampire Diaries!) and everyone decides he’s still mind controlled

Like most of the audience and at least 60% of the writers, Damon also has no idea why he’s doing what he’s doing so goes to see Sybil in her completely unguarded prison (because of course) to accuse her of still being in his mind. Sybil is not happy because Damon still isn’t 100% hers because his humanity switch isn’t alllll the way off: hence the reason he’s all mopey about how everyone will hate him (they don’t) over killing Tyler (no-one cares). She insists he go full non-human so he will then be hers forever

I’m not actually seeing how this works. With the humanity switch all the way, feel-absolutely-nothing-off, Damon and any vampire becomes the ultimate loose canon. She’s been controlling him with fear of hell – but he feels no fear. He feels no loyalty. He feels no affection so even threatening to kill his friends fails. There’s absolutely no way you can control a humanity-less vampire and you can only really get them to hang around by being vaguely entertaining until they get bored and decide to go to new killy-people-places for their own amusement. Turning Damon’s humanity switch off absolutely makes Damon the worst minion in the world.

In the end Stefan and Caroline decide, belatedly, that they need to dose Damon with vervain and lock him up until they can kill lots of sirens and make everything good

Seriously, this is 5 episodes in and they’ve only just realised this is a thing they should actually do. This works (only because Caroline ignored Stefan when he decided to protect her by keeping her out of the line of fire despite the fact 2 vampires vs 1 is a good idea). Damon decides that his friends trying to non-lethally stop him so he can never actually hurt anyone as proof of their deep betrayal of him because…

…oh fuck it, it’s Vampire Diaries no-one has to have understandable motivations.

Meanwhile Bonnie has locked up Enzo in magical bondage to make him get his humanity back. By trying to burn herself to death. Of course.

Sigh. Y’know Bonnie deciding she’d rather burn to death than have Enzo leave her would be a lot easier to swallow if the Bonnie/Enzo relationship didn’t seem like such a desperate, foundationless add on taped to this show

Actually, no, scrap that – this would be a lot easier to swallow if ENZO didn’t seem like such a desperate foundationless add on taped to this show. In fact the relationship IS the tape. It exists because someone asked the writer, in that break between the crack wearing off and the hallucinogens kicking in, why is Enzo here and they quickly realised they needed to drag up some kind of reason for him to be there.

Unlike Matt who we have no reason for him being around. He is working through his epic daddy issues which, again, we have no reason to care about. But among that we find someone left Tyler a big sheaf of papers and a quest to find a siren (which is only conveniently now being mentioned of course) and he’s now inherited them. The siren he’s supposed to find is Selene who managed to escape the armoury in the past

Selene is busy looking after the twins and planning nefarious things with the Siphoning kiddies including burning Georgie’s body and plotting something sinister with Arcadius. Caroline compares notes with Matt just a bit too late – Selene has already vanished with the kids

While Sybil escapes (there’s an alarm but, again, no-one is checking it) and frees Damon who, for reasons that make no sense at all (see above) has turned off his humanity and declared eternal loyalty