Monday, May 14, 2018

The Originals, Season 5, Episode 4 Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

Oh dear gods

Can I just recap this nonsense by “stupid decisions are made so more stupid decisions will follow”?

In fact, can I just recap ALL of Originals this way?

This is the last season and, y’know what, I’m kind of glad. I’m kind of glad because I am so very very very done with the Original Family, beings who have apparently existed for the best part of a millennium, utterly failing to understand humanity or making any sense at all. Enough, enough already. Enough of 5 entire seasons of Originals being all about of the shitty nonsense Klaus inflicts which then he has to fix causing more shitty nonsense sometimes with tears but usually with murderous rage.

Why is anyone still in New Orleans? I mean I get the witches have ancestor power there unlike witches elsewhere, but if I were a vampire I’d be checking the red eye flights to, I dunno, Milwaukee right now. Anywhere where Klaus isn’t. Boise, Des Moines, Anchorage… anywhere

So, Mardi Gras is coming which is a thing which matters

Klaus is still pissed that Hayley is missing and decides that the best way to do this (beyond compelling lots of police) is by threatening all three of the major factions in New Orleans. His big threat against Marcel is to hold a family reunion and unleash apocalypse powers that happen whenever Mikaelsons gather together because that’s a good idea.

The vampires, witches and werewolves are all pretty pissed by this but Klaus keeps threatening epic violence and Marcel backs it up by threatening more violence until everyone co-operates.

While they’re trying to problem solve by terrifying and enraging the rest (or both). Klaus also gets all tearful with Marcel because Elijah totally rejected him. And without Elijah he has no idea how to act like he has even the slightest ounce of sense (except, y’know, the last five seasons don’t exactly show Elijah having that much of a moderating influence). Marcel all feels his pain (while also being impatient with his fuckery) since Klaus is all tearful and kind of wants to step into Elijah’s shoes. But since he’s as autocratic and violent as Klaus it’s not really that helpful

See, in the 7 years while everyone has been off doing their own thing, New Orleans under Josh, Hayley and Vincent and Freya was a bit more co-operative, democratic and has a lot less rules, threats of violence and more co-operation. Absolutely no-one is happy with Marcel coming back playing All Powerful Monarch or Klaus coming back playing Ivan the Terrible

Greta leads the vampires in being pissed. Lisinia leads the werewolves in being pissed. Vincent is still hella pissed but he also wants to have sex with Ivy the seer so continues to read cards with her and flirt.

For more tension, the death of Henry means the werewolves think the vampires murdered him while the vampires are super pissed that their dead member wasn’t avenged and, on top of that, they’re not thrilled because there are so many venomous vampire killers in the city.

Marcel decides to deal with this hissing and spitting at each other by throttling Greta and Lisinia. Yeah this is his voice of reason stuff.

All of this doesn’t help find Hayley but the kidnapper decides to send lots of cryptic notes and clues: which leads to an abandoned house, a chair where she was locked up and drugged and words scrawled on the wall saying “Freak, Filthy Crossbreed”

Oh why do I think Originals is going to play for a really appropriative and awful mixed-race analogy here?

This further enrages Klaus so he decides to take random hostages from each faction, including Josh, and threaten to kill them if everyone doesn’t find Hayley. This ranks only slightly behind “the beatings will continue until morale improves” as a motivation strategy

Amusingly, Ivy’s cards say Klaus has a plan and he hasn’t quite gone over the edge yet.

Until someone posts him a chunk of Hayley’s flesh. At which point Klaus loses it, breaks Marcel’s neck as he tries to calm him down, while Vincent rushes in to stop Klaus from killing the hostages. Well, he saves Josh but not the others

Who is hella pissed because for 7 years the city worked but now Marcel and Klaus have made it all awful again.

Klaus is imprisoned but he explains his plan to Klaus: he intended to make the entire city freak out so he could see how the factions responded (they freaked out and hated each other). And Klaus decides that the witches and werewolves sort of got in line but the vampires resisted from the very start (after their faction head was kidnapped. Oh and we had all these vampire killing hybrids run around. And one of their members was murdered) so he’s decided one of them must be the bad guy (never mind how a vampire can break a cloaking spell)

He also makes a big speech about how they need to tighten their grip and be properly feared again. Marcel, presumably under the effect of multiple concussions or alcohol or SOMETHING, decides Klaus speaks a lot of sense. So he lets Klaus go, they demand the vampires all assemble, threaten them all with death if they don’t obey and confiscate all their daylight rings. So the vampires REALLY want them dead

The werewolves have declared themselves to be completely on their own and they can’t trust anyone. So… that helped get them on side

While Klaus actually goes to Vincent to ask for help. Yes, he murdered a witch and then attends the funeral of the witch to ask for magical help.

Amazingly this is not well received. And Klaus seems… surprised? I mean, really? How? Is Klaus this broken that he thinks everyone will just ignore the still warm bodies of loved ones he’s murdered?!

Can everyone just die? No, really, everyone? Oh and the big bad guys also send Klaus a coin with swastika on it. Yes we have Nazis hunting half breeds

Please gods can we cancel it earlier

Alas we need to go to the stupid magic school (and I’m going to rant about that) where Freya is trying to distract Hope and warn her that if she gets emotional as an uber witch bad shit will happen. Hope conveniently responds by doing just that and setting a big fire

Basically she tells Hope about the cards that say she will end the world or something and everyone’s worried that if, say, Hayley’s body shows up she will have a melt down which may be literal rather than just figurative. It’s not like emotional stability run in the family.

She also continues to flirt with Roman the hot vampire boy who is playing sports. And how does that even work? You can’t have a vampire on a team with non vampires - what would even be the point? His strength speed and stamina would render everyon else pointless

In fact can we address the whole nonsense of this school? See I actually see it as a “special school” for magical children for witches or supernatural beings that don’t quite fit into other groups and don’t have communities

But vampires? Why? I mean was he turned at age 15, 16 or 17? So he needs to go to school? And what are you teaching him? I get magic is academic but vampiredom isn’t really? In fact the main things newly turned vampires need is in self control so they don’t murder everyone: at which point a magical school is probably not a great place for them. And apparent age isn’t really a signifier for vampires who need education: a newly turned 60 year old needs training as much as a vampire who is turned conveniently at their teenaged years?

And werewolves? Remember that the werewolf gene is “triggered”? They only way a werewolf actually turns into a werewolf is if they kill someone. There is absolutely no reason why young werewolf kids need to attend a magical school - they can go to a perfectly conventional human school. Because, until they actually murder someone, THEY ARE HUMANS.

I’m not even sure the school is a good place for witches because between the ancestral magic of New Orleans and the chanting magic of the Travellers and the weird twin magic of the Gemini coven there simply ISN’T one form of magic.

And that’s aside from the idea that Caroline and Alaric are actually capable of teaching this student body?