Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Preacher, Season 3, Episode 9: Schwarzkopf

The Grail storyline continues in awful, as the Allfather brings out the real Messiah and prepares to inject him with the correct formula to allow him to accept genesis. The Allfather is pretty awed by the Christ-descendant’s presence

Jesse is not and finally makes his move

He reveals to the Allfather that Starr is acting against him and has put a gun in Jesse’s jacket pocket. The Allfather takes the gun and announces how he is now going to kill Starr by sitting on him because haha the Allfather is fat and this is literally all he is

This is when Jesse puts his plan in motion. He asks to be released so he can pray - pointing out the Allfather has his gun and there are armed guards. The Allfather can’t exactly say no given the whole man of god thing so handcuffs him and allows it. Jesse pretends to stumble as he is untied, secretly putting the little electric buzzer thing (which is shocking him to extract Genesis) on the Allfather - and when it is activated the Allfather is shocked. Allowing Jesse to grab the gun, shoot the guards and fight with the bulletproof Allfather

Bullet proof because he’s fat. And the “fight” involves the Allfather trying to crush Jesse with his weight. Honestly I’ve heard more sophisticated fat jokes in primary school.

Eventually Jesse puts the shocker back on himself and expels Genesis into the Allfather who explodes. Which means we may finally not have to worry about this terrible character. Also, since the Allfather hid Jesse’s soul in his arsehole it’s much more accessible now the Allfather has been turned into wallpaper. Starr and Jesse fight over it in the piles of viscera which is as unpleasant as it sounds before he finally grabs it and eat it

Jesse has Genesis back. Starr quickly hails him as the Messiah and Jesse quickly rejects that. He doesn’t want to be the Messiah. He won’t be the Messiah. Starr points out he’ll have to use Humperdoo then - and warns him that the apocalypse is coming and lays out the Grail’s Plan. Announce the Messiah, demand everyone hail him and then use their contacts and power around the world to nuke everyone who doesn’t: especially non-Christians, pro-choicers, LGBTQ people etc etc

Jesse calls this a terrible plan. Starr agrees - he would like to do his own apocalypse and kill significantly less and rather more bizarre choices: hipsters, presbyterians and the Danes. Jesse decides this is the second most terrible plan because, yes yes it is and decides the best think he can do is kill the Messiah. Starr knows he won’t do that because he’s not a murderer (said in a room plastered with the Allfather’s guts which is kind of hilarious because the show is completely aware of the irony). Starr is horrified because the Gail needs a messiah to operate

But when faced with the utter, ignorant innocence of Humperdoo, Jesse can’t kill him. Instead he releases Humperdoo and the whole herd of Humperdoo clones out of the Grail headquarters to wander the streets and be run over by cars and things

I’m not sure how this stops Starr per se except maybe by truly exposing the condition of the Christ child and disillusioning the Grail members. I mean, the Grail may need a messiah to operate - but it only needed Humperdoo because the Allfather was actually faithful to the messiah being a descendent of Jesus. Starr clearly doesn’t share that faith with his willingness to use Jesse. But I guess he needed Jessie with genesis to convince the GRAIL Jesse was the Messiah to make them follow him. As Starr said, the Grail needs a messiah to operate - and how do you convince all those people to use nukes without a messiah

Starr is not happy. Also his head does look like a penis and Jesse uses Genesis to order him not to wear hats. Petty but amusing.

Tulip does catch up with the hell bus demanding the suitcase full of souls back. She manages to stare down the Angel of Death and get the briefcase back by pointing out that the souls are subject to a deal between her master, Satan, and Marie L’Angel. Despite the Angel’s very very very ominous speech she gives up the briefcase. Sadly Tulip has an attack of conscience and hangs around enough to say Featherstone isn’t Tulip.

And then Eugene spots Tulip and says her name

So Tulip ends up dragged onto the boss. Jody takes the briefcase and abandons Tulip and Featherstone then leaves him after he hits something on the road because Starr “doesn’t do well without her”. And oh, I almost feel for Featherstone here, because she is pinning so much on a level of respect that Starr just doesn’t have for her and a relationship they don’t have and never will.

On the bus the Saint of Killers and the Angel of Death aren’t exactly friendly, her making a snide comment about his back, he points out Tulip isn’t dead but she confirms this and adds nor is Eugene. With god gone there are no rules - and adds another snide comment about his dead family. She’s really poking his sore spots

Tulip has escape plans - while Hitler is relying on his co-workers to rescue him and Eugene is trusting in god. They’re really good plans but don’t quite work out

Until a nazi tank shoots at the bus and causes it to flip. Yes a Nazi tank. No, I have no idea where Preacher is going with this.

With Cassidy the worst happens and he confronts Eccarius, their oh-so-brief relationship is dead

I’m going to need a moment of mourning. Oh so brief and now so over!

Cassidy doesn’t accept any of his excuses and brutally calls him out for killing people for his enjoyment and empowerment - and that they’re people not drugs. Which is perhaps the weirdest affirmation of humanity, ever.

Of course the whole gang has been with Eccarius for some time and Cassidy did come to the party being highly critical of them. They don’t believe any of his accusations and stake him to a pool table to face the sun

Only the sun’s in the wrong  place which is rather embarrassing and anti-climactic. They decide to wait until the sun reaches him, leaving him only with the old woman who owns the house who is Most disapproving of him. He can ask only one thing of her - to call the woman he turned and tell her goodbye....

Of course she’s dead so, for once on this show, we can see where that goes.


Starr reunites with Featherstone and the newly vampiric Hoover. He is now trying… wigs.

TC pours Marie the worst cup of tea you ever did see, my English soul weeps to see it (and I hate tea); he’s worried that no-one’s back yet. But she’s sure Jesse will return

And he does… clearly bent on vengeance

I will forever mourn Cassidy/Eccarius. Yes there was a lot wrong with it, yes it was brief, yes the actors were straight, yes Eccarius was clearly evil within minutes of the romance happening BUT I WANTED IT

I am now Sorrow. Well, more Pouting Mopiness but Sorrow sounds more dramatic

Also this show may be banned in Britain for that tea. Good gods that’s an abomination