Van Helsing, Season 2, Episode 3: Love Bites

All of our characters are split up at the moment, so it’s time to breeze through them all before getting to Vanessa - and hoping at some point everyone gets together

Axel and Doc are still looking for Vanessa despite having no idea where she is nor any blood to actually eat. Doc thinks he needs to feed on her so he can hunt animals she can eat which is all very practical; especially since he used to feed her when she was a vampire. He says no and gives her sharp things instead. Well that was riveting.

To Mohammed, Flesh and Lucky - they drag Mohammed to a resistance camp where his wound is infected and they have no medicine but will do their best to help him fight it off. It’s the same Resistance camp that Doc was part of because seriously everyone just trips over each other on this show. The camp has a blood shortage now so donating is mandatory (hey do they have blood testing equipment? Because if they can’t test for blood type this is going to be awkward) if you want to eat. Flesh is duly worried about this because his ex-vampire blood may be a problem? Apparently?

Mohammed, sensibly, points out that confessing all is probably a bad idea and he knows better than to trust anyone (the subtext here is he knows this because he himself is a terribly untrustworthy terrible person of terribleness). He encourages Flesh to give blood and just make sure they don’t give it to Mohammed because he’s still kind of terrible. Flesh, being the most naive person ever, tells Lucky

And she tells Jolene and he gets locked up while giving Lucky lots of betrayed looks. Seriously man? Lucky has known you for a hot minute and you decide to tell her you’re an ex-vampire and to just trust her safety and everyone else around her on that being ok? Really?

But apparently she is the worst so feels ALL THE GUILT and decides to rescue him and punch Jolene out. They also decide to “rescue” Mohammed. Why? I don’t know. I mean no-one had anything against him and they were treating his injuries to the best of their ability. Do you know what someone with a severe infected leg injury doesn’t need? A trek through the woods!

I’m rapidly becoming Team!No-One on this show.

Time to catch up with another group of humans, apparently teenagers or young adults, who have their own very very stupid way of doing things. One of their members, Felix, failed to kill a feral vampire so they decide to punish him with 10 lashes - that is brutally lash his arms 10 times with what looks like barbed wire. Not only is this brutally sadistic, it’s also ridiculously stupid. Especially since apparently this isn’t the first time he’s been lashed nor is he the only one who has been lashed by these barbs that draw blood from the first lash.

Van Helsing: Season 1, Episode 5: Fear Her

On the interesting storyline:

Vanessa has been captured and is taken before Julius so he can use her as bait to get to Rebecca (the sexy evil vampire) and through her get to Dmitri so he can then kill Dmitri and become master of them all

Nice exposition there Julius.

But he wants to test Vanessa first so after lots of dramatic speeches and noting that many of his vampire minions are afraid of her he decides to announce a challenge. He wants a vampire to step up, fight Vanessa and prove/disprove her abilities

The volunteer is… Susan. Yes Vanessa’s old neighbour and best friend who is now a vampire. Vanessa isn’t a big fan of beating her best friend but when Vampire Susan talks about eating Dylan, Vanessa’s daughter, Vanessa is done. One display of awesome fighty powers late, Vanessa bites Susan (can I just say how much the whole human biting vampire to turn them thing really amuses me? Nice touch there Van Helsing)

With the distraction of this Vanessa can escape with the now human Susan who tells her that Dylan isn’t dead despite the nastiness of vampire-Susan but she doesn’t really know where she is. They escape to the Ominous Tunnels of Ominousness

With the distraction of this Vanessa can escape with the now human Susan who tells her that Dylan isn’t dead despite the nastiness of vampire-Susan but she doesn’t really know where she is. They escape to the Ominous Tunnels of Ominousness

I suppose since Julius mentioned Dmitri we should check up on him. He’s being creepy, slightly incestuous and vaguely comic. So business as usual. Honestly I'm not exactly menaced by this villain

While Rebecca is being sexual, vaguely ominous and unexplained – this week letting Sheema go despite catching her exploring the tunnels at vampire HQ. Sheema is Mohammed’s sister and a member of the Resistance who intend to use her tunnel knowingness for some purpose or other.

Alas, this concludes the interesting storylines and we have to return to the hospital

Wednesday Reboot: Van Helsing

 

Van Helsing was originally released in 2004 and it stars Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale.   As always, the purpose with the reboot, is to examine these movies from a social justice lens.

The first 8 minutes of this movie are in classical horror style and they are absolutely fabulous. They are filmed in black white and the music is suitably ominous.  The movie opens with peasants rushing through the streets carrying torches on their way way to Dr. Frankenstein's famous lab.  Just as he brings the creature to life Count Vladislaus Dracula appears to claim the creature for his own. It seems that Count Dracula, provided the castle and supported Dr. Franenstein's work because he wanted the creature.  When Frankestein refuses, Count Dracula kills him.  The creature grabs the good doctor and escapes to the windmill only to have the peasants set it on fire.  The creature yells, why just as the floor collapses, causing both him and the good doctor to be consumed by flame.  Count Dracula arrives presently to see the destruction and the scene shifts.

Enter Van Hesling who is apparently the most  wanted man in Europe, though he works for the knights of the holy order, a secret sect run by the Vatican that the public has now knowledge of.  After stopping in Paris to kill Mr. Hyde of the Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde fame (this is again another magnificent work of CGI) he returns to the Vatican. He is told that the Vatican is the last defense for humanity against evil, an evil that the rest of mankind has no idea exists and that for Van Hesling this is all a test of faith.

The Valerious family made a vow to God that they would not enter heaven until Dracula has been vanquished from the land.  To date they have not succeeded and with few descendants left, Van Hesling is tasked to help the family because of the last heir dies nine centuries of labour will but for naught and the Valerious family will spend and eternity in purgatory. He is shown a scroll with the words in Latin, In the name of God, open this door. The scroll also has an insignia on it that matches Van Hesling's ring.  He is told that if he goes after Dracula perhaps he might find out what memories he has lost and his purpose.

Before he leaves, Van Hesling goes to see a friar named Carl.  In a scene very reminiscent of every James Bond movie that has ever been created, Carl outfits Van Hesling with every single modern weapon that is is capable of harming are killing a vampire that he can.  The weapons are clearly advances for the 1800's and are reminiscent of that scene in most steampunk movies and or books. Unfortunately for Carl, despite his protests Van Hesling informs him that he has to accompany him to Transylvania.