It’s 1:00am and Myka is browsing through websites about ovarian cancer, when she hastily hides them when Pete joins her. She starts being nostalgic and Pete realises something’s wrong. She considers telling him – and has a series of flashes of how she thinks he’ll react (some of them ludicrous) and decides not to tell him. Alas, Pete being up early also stops Claudia and Nick (remember Nick?) from stealing Pete’s 3:00am sandwich (I’m vaguely disturbed that Pete has a 3:00am sandwich and that everyone knows about it).
And then Artie comes in – this is a house full of nightowls – with a ping. He acts quickly – getting rid of Nick, getting Claudia to find a place to put Nick that isn’t the super-secret Warehouse that is supposed to be a secret and hidden and all (she steal’s Pete’s sandwich, all is good) and then gets really really excited about the super-duper ping. The Treasure of Roaring Dan Seavy. A pirate. Oh dear, a pirate? There is no way Pete is going to let that pass.
Apparently this pirate stole shinies from Warehouse 12 (Victorian London – wait, pirates? In Victorian London?) and Artie intends to get them back. During the transfer of Artefacts from Warehouse 12 to 13 a cargo ship full of Artefacts was raided by pirates off the Atlantic coasts – we get a nice view of… hmm, 16th century wooden ships fighting? Anyway, apparently a crate of Artefacts was stolen and agent David Walker was killed.
Artie has a lead – half of a puzzle box built by Roaring Dan (Artie stole it from the Smithsonian). And they have 5 hours to meet up with Artie’s black market dealer in Buffalo to buy the second half
In a café in Buffalo they find Fisher, Artie’s contact. Who turns out to be a front for Charlotte Duprix who has the other half of the puzzle box. She also reminds them of breaking into her home, stealing from her and shooting her in case there’s any doubt about her illwill. After much haggling she says she’s willing to combine their puzzle boxes and split the loot 50/50; Artie looks ready to agree before Pete and Myka bring some sanity. But Artie has some more sense than just desperation – Charlotte must have dragged them to Buffalo for a reason, the stash must be nearby. They can’t risk Charlotte finding the stash without them.
So, after a brief snarking of Artie aimed perfectly at recapping, Myka and Pete have another moment where Myka considers telling Pete the truth but can’t bring herself to. They activate the puzzle box and it shows them a series of numbers – longitude and latitude. Then seals itself. Charlotte briefly panics that she can’t get the numbers again but, of course, Myka’s super-memory kicks in. They go to the location –it’s a grave yard. They split up and find the grave of Roaring Dan’s first mate and it’s made of an odd substance – time for Rodin’s hammer and chisel to reveal shapes within it (and Pete wonderfully lampshades how Artie’s bag always has exactly what they need). They see a meter, the letters NFPC – which is when Artie discusses loosing Charlotte and her minion, Lars – and they get tased. Yes, Charlotte was expecting a double cross. Or was ready to double cross. Possibly both.
The gang wake with Charlotte gone – but know where she’s going: Niagara Falls Power Company. To the falls; built in 1897 when Roaring Dan was active, Artie suspects the stash would be buried around there (and Pete suffers as the genius Myka gets all her superhero knowledge wrong). They find the key to the hidden cave – but it looks like Charlotte may be there first. And Pete’s inevitably pirate voice appears. Of course
Inside the cave they find Lars’s body, his neck snapped. Guess Charlotte has no more use for him. Going further in they find a room that looks like a replica of one from Roaring Dan’s ship – and it looks undisturbed. Inside they find a very very old body – a skeleton; Roaring Dan himself. Such a blatant display of mortality bothers Myka and she goes outside to watch the hall.
Where she finds Charlotte. A brief fight later and Myka easily pins her. She claims she didn’t kill he bodyguard – they were attacked, they’re not the only ones down there.
Which is when Artie and Pete are attacked by a shadowy cloud of pretty decent CGI. A shadowy cloud that can lift Artie and is seemingly immune to tesla fire. Only Artie accidentally hitting a bell – causing it to ring, makes the shadow back off. Pete assumes noise is what drives it off and starts banging things, I think it may have more to do with the odd way the bell resonates. The shadow flees under a rug – a very very obvious location for a secret passage. Which is when Myka calls with the warning – a little late
All in the room, Charlotte confirms the dagger Lars had was treasure he picked up not a weapon to fend her off. Artie puts that together with him moving coins off a chest to the shadowy creature being there to protect the loot. Charlotte Duprix finds this very stranger. The Warehouse team rate it, maybe a 6 out of 10 for strangeness. They’ve seen stranger. And in an excruciatingly slow mental process, they find the hidden doorway under the rug. Even without the shadow lurking around, isn’t under the rug the first place you look for a secret trap door? That’s up there with checking behind paintings for safes!
In the secret lair they find treasure and the missing Warehouse 12 Artefacts. But they need to find the smoke monster Artefact before touching anything so they can goo it. Charlotte, meanwhile, finds half an amethyst geode which she pockets – then texts Nick to say she’s only found half. Artie notices and confronts her. In the argument she grabs a golden goblet – and Smokey appears. Alas, the gang listens to Pete and just stand there making noise which achieves nothing – and Smokey snaps Charlotte’s neck. So much for immortality. And Myka snaps at Pete for his joke – her mortality issues raising again. Artie realises the bell is the thing that distracted Smokey and Myka, from examining Smokey’s skeletal fingers, realises it’s the spirit of Roaring Dan.
Looking through the crates they find the amulet of Alistair Crowley, that is related to Astral Projection. And Myka remembers it in the skeleton’s hand upstairs. They go, prepared with the goo bag and the bell – but the minute they touch the amulet, Smokey appears, pinning all 3 of them and strangling Artie and Pete. Myka can’t reach the amulet – but Charlotte appears and asks how to stop it, Myka tells her and the amulet is gooed.
Ok, I take it back – apparently that immortality thing is pretty damn good.
Meanwhile Claudia sees Jinks in a “snit” because Nick is bothering him – everything Nick says is pinging Jink’s lie detector sense and/or is evasive. Claudia puts it down to him being a naturally suspicious street kid, like she was, and dismisses it all, identifying too much with Nick to listen to Jinks’ words of caution. This conversation is overheard by Nefarious Nick who goes outside to collect an untraceable phone and a gun from Charlotte Duprix – his mother.
He tries to patch up with Jinks – by tearfully confessing to Jinks that yes he is a liar because he’s not used to being able to trust people because of living on the street and being preyed upon. It ends with awkward hugging. But apparently Jinks has mountains of paperwork to do
Despite awkward hugging, Nick then goes to Claudia and tells her how mean Jinks is and how he’ll never trust Nick. At this point Claudia, you should be asking why the person with the INFALLIBLE LIE DETECTOR doesn’t trust someone and realise how silly this whole thing is.
Intruder alert at the Warehouse! Claudia and Jinks zoom to respond and Jinks makes the very obvious assumption about who the intruder is. Claudia reserves judgement. They go in, find the lights have been turned off and turn them back on (Claudia: “if there’s anything I can’t do I’ll let you know, FYI, there’s not.” Ok naïve trusting has been forgiven because of this line). Checking thermal imaging, they find the Broze sector has heat – that’s not unreasonable since the living people in there still radiate some heat, but it does make it an ideal hiding spot.
When Jinks gets there, Claudia sees someone following him on thermal imaging. Jinks sees who it is and is scared and shocked – and tells Claudia to get out of the Warehouse. He yells that, whoever it is, is dead – that “she killed you” then the connection breaks off. Claudia runs to help and runs into – Marcus Diamond: Sykes’s old crony. The man who was kept alive by the metronome before Jinks. A man who is supposed to be dead.
Claudia turns and runs until – “20 miles of warehouse and I find the one dead end.” Marcus resumes his ominous stalk, tells Claudia he bronzed Jinks – and Claudia throws a firework Artefact at him – lots of noise and light
Claudia runs to Jinks and finds him bronzed. She starts to bypass the lock to open it (it has a DNA lock which apparently isn’t tuned to Claudia) and Marcus watches her – his shape morphing into Nick (hands up anyone who didn’t see that coming?)
She overrides the bronzer – and finds a glowing purple Artefact in her back pocket. Touching it she remembers all the false memories that have been planted – Nick, putting it in her pocket, hearing an intruder alarm that wasn’t there, walking in with Nick believing it was Jinks, telling him how to override the security. She goos it and starts to tell Jinks he was right- but then realises the man who was bronzed was another hallucination. It isn’t Jinks; Jinks is back in the Guesthouse inundated with paperwork. She calls him on the Farnsworth – the paperwork is another hallucination; she tells him to bag the magnet in his pocket to clear his vision. Franz Mesma’s magnets – they create illusion through suggestion. Claudia has an almost tearful rant about how Nick betrayed her trust (I have a not even slightly tearful rant about the Warehouse needing better security protocols).
Interrupted by Nick pointing a tesla at Claudia’s head and closing her Farnsworth (well, Claudia was interrupted. I’m still ranting). She protests to Nick that the bronzed guy is dangerous; but he knows that but he needs the man. Paracelsus, incarcerated in 1541 (A Swiss Renaissance alchemist). Claudia tries to smack him and gets teslaed. Paracelsus is released – he recognises Nick and asks what year it is in German.
Looks like the son of the immortal Charlotte may be immortal himself. Immortally 15. Ok, he has ever reason in the world to be severely pissed. Also, Anthony Head – this can only ever be a good thing.
Paracelsus looks at the unconscious Claudia and realises she’s from the Warehouse – and is therefore a threat.
Back at the pirate cave, Charlotte Durpix reminds them she’s the Countess of St. Germaine, Sutton’s wife (they seem to have forgotten).
they head out, carrying the chest of Warehouse 12 Artefacts – and Myka realises that Sutton faked his own death in Paris as well. Charlotte says it’s the easiest way to disappear; but she saved these 3 because she’s been dealing with Warehouse agents since 1561 (one killed her twice) but Myka, Pete and Artie tried to save her. The Warehouse has evolved. Artie’s fine with that but that doesn’t trust her – and wants to know what Artefact she took. It’s the Philosopher’s stone – the Stone that kept Sutton from aging (and obviously Charlotte). She claims she wants it because she wants to be mortal – standard screed about being lonely, about watching everyone age. It’s actually better done than most of the time its presented. But she trumps it – her only child is going through the same pain and solitude, forever. Which is when Artie clues in about Nick – he has been 15 for 500 years.
Yeah, that sounds bad. Really really bad. Charlotte wants her son to be able to fall in love, grow up, grow old – and Myka slams in “to die.” She talks about dying, tearfully, how ugly it can be, that this is what mortality leads to. She breaks and cries and walks off – Pete stops Artie following and goes to her asking what is wrong. He doesn’t let her brush it off. She tells him she has cancer. He holds her while she cries.
At the Warehouse, Jinks charges through with his tesla rifle, finding smoke and the empty bronzer. At the cave, Artie asks Charlotte why Nick was infiltrating the BnB when he gets a call from Jinks telling him what happened; he tells them Claudia and Paracelsus are gone. Charlotte protests that wasn’t the plan – but he bronzed Claudia. And destroyed the bronzer. Artie turns the death glare on Charlotte.
Warehouse 12 was in Victorian London (when HG Wells was an agent) and was abandoned in 1914 in favour of Warehouse 13 (the current warehouse). So what, in the name of all that is historical, are these pirates on their wooden galleons doing? And why was Warehouse 12 using such ridiculously antiquated ships? At this point I’d say they needed to pick up a history book or check their own canon – but c’mon. Surely SOMEONE in the production team must have noticed this. This is shoddy even by television standards
I’m not buying Nick’s infiltration. No matter how much Claudia may feel for Nick – Warehouse 13 is many times more secret than secret, you can’t just bring in guests, certainly not without an advanced background check and some checking surely? Or, hey, the suspicions of your INFALLIBLE LIE DETECTOR. Ok maybe the tortured street kid could temporarily lower Jinks’s guard – but there’s a limit.
We have some serious plot now! Excellent, we’ve been kind of waffling since coming back from hiatus – but I also think it’s a little too late in the season now. This should have really been started a few episodes ago.