Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments, Season One, Episode Three: Dead Man's Party

So. when last we left this wretched show, Simon had been kidnapped and Clary learned that she's Valentine's daughter.  The mission is now to get Simon back.  Naturally, Alec is against helping Clary and spends his time pouting and yelling at Jace. I am totally getting the whole bros before ho's vibe thing here and it's so dated and not at all cool. Someone is jealous alright; however, I don't see why I should give a shit whatsoever. 

Just like Clary, we are learning about the Shadow world.  It seems that not only do Shadowhunters exist but so do vampires and seelie.  Clary is determined that they need a plan to save Simon because Simon would do anything for her.  It's worth noting that despite her earnestness and determination about saving Simon, naturally she has to take time out to flirt with Jace and this is unfortunate for us because these two have some awful onscreen chemistry.  Despite Alec's determination, Jace goes against the wishes of his parabatti and decides to help Clary but first they need to get weapons.

Jace and Clary make a little run to a vampire bar and Jace decides to use Clary as bait.  Clary is quick to be caught up in the vampires magic but not to worry, it's Jace to the rescue and they steal the vampires motorcycle.  In the meantime, Isabelle is off to see a Seelie for information and naturally she has sex with him to procure it. I swear Victoria Secrets models pose less than Isabelle did in this scene.  Is the show trying to hawk the lingerie they had the actress wearing?  This btw is one of the worst sex scenes I've ever seen. 

Poor Simon. who is a prisoner of the vampires just don't know what to do.  At first he begs for release saying that he won't report them because he hasn't seen their faces. only to realise that it doesn't matter because he is a captive of vampires. Raphael rightly finds Simon extremely irritating but is not forced to tolerate Simon for long because Camille takes over.  It seems that sex as an interrogation method is the plan for Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments because it's not long before Simon and Camille are getting all cuddly on the couch and he's licking her neck and giving her hickeys.  Did anyone really need a close up of this? Furthermore, why would a vampire as old as Camille apparently is resort to getting cuddly with a mundane when she could just you know, scare the shit out of him?  Sex is supposed to sell, but it's not selling me on this show. 

I'm sure you can guess the rest but if not, here's the cliffnotes version.  The overly dressed and overly stylized scooby crew manages to save Simon. Clary and Simon embrace causing Jace to scowl and get all jealous.  Jace in turn has to check Alec's jealousy and not a damn thing is resolved about Valentine. How exciting folks. 

I cannot come up with one good thing to say about this episode so far.  They gave us tons of Zoolander shit, stopping to pose at every opportunity.  It's almost as if they were screaming we know this show is shit but at least we gave you some attractive people to look at.  The problem is that no matter how attractive these actors are, nothing can distract from the terrible lines they are given to say and the horrible acting.  Someone should show some mercy on Dominic Sherwood and teach him that crossing his arms while attempting to loom over someone is not acting.  

Also, can we please stop the idea of sex as an interrogation method? It's telling that this is what the women used.  It reduces them to sex objects. It's bad enough that Clary doesn't know how to fight and Isabelle just pulls out her whip and leaves the decapitating to her brother.  There's clearly an imbalance when it comes to power and ability thus far.  

I cannot believe that there are still ten episodes to this series left.  Nothing is happening. Absolutely freaking nothing beyond the posing and sex as a weapon.  I'm not sure if I feel this way because I have read the books or if it's because Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments is just plain boring. Either way, since we have shitty actors, and bad model posing, the least they could do is advance the plot each week. I am tired of watching expensive paint dry on walls.  Some books need to just stay books.  This is the second time this series has been made into live action and it seems to me, no matter who is running the show, it is fated to be a steaming pile of shite.