We have a split storyline again and I’d say they all need to get together but I actually think it would be better if some of them were just nuked.
So let’s start with the vaguely could be interesting but wasn’t storyline:
Vasiliy, Charlotte, Quinlan, Roman and Minions are going to Roman’s missile silo (after Charlotte proves her badassery by shooting a deer) to collect a nuke, as one does. Quinlan also makes the point, when everyone blames the Master, that humans built nukes and humans fired them all over the world to create the nuclear winter: without humans the Master would still be hiding underground
Heavy handed theme #1 Humans Are Awful Guys
When they get there they find most of Roman’s fellow soldiers dead and a sniper shoots at them - hitting Quinlan and pinning him down for much of the episode. Vasiliy realises they have to take out the sniper but Roman refuses (only one who can use the nuke so don’t risk his life) the minions refuse because they didn’t sign up for this. Charlotte doesn’t refuse but she’s a delicate lady person who Vasiliy refuses
And yes I’m sticking to that. He pouts and stomps when Roman tells him no, when the minions tell him not but Charlotte tells him yes he’s suddenly all “nah, tunnels are my thing, i got this”. He might as well have said “don’t you worry your pretty little head”
So we’re treated to a long long time of sniper shots, Vasiliy trying to appeal to the man and Quinlan threatening him until Vasiliy finally shoots him and injures him. He asks why one of Roman’s soldiers are attacking him and is told, in case we missed it, that there are many human collaborators
Heavy Handed Theme #1.5 Collaborators are Totally the Worst
And Quinlan shoots him - because he promised he would if the soldier didn’t put down his gun. Quinlan does not make idle threats
Unfortunately this nuke won’t work without another part which has been removed
This whole section takes waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.
On to Ephraim
Do I have to?
Ephraim and new bestie Alex have come up with a clever way to kill vampires, rat poison
Really rat poison?
Do you want to page this back to season 1?
So there follows a long plan on how to get rat poison into one of the blood tankers ( these red tankers don’t look refrigerated, but hey nuclear winter) by means of a convoluted car crash so they can sneak some poison in all sneakily
Wait, can we talk about how Alex the Revolutionary leader comes up with an idea and then Ephraim is all “oh you silly silly person, this is how it should be done”? Because this is a rapidly developing theme. Ephraim has actually been recruited into the revolution not because he wants to fight vampires but he wants to Smugly Correct Alex.
It works and thousands of thousands of vampires are squished by rat poison. Really, this could have been totally useful back in season 1. Who knew the best way to poison vampires was with poison?!
The Master is Not Amused but Eichorst is thrilled since these “terrorist” actions helps him pin down Abe & co.
They also find more evidence of Collaborators doing mysterious mystery things which are bad and mysterious. Collaborators are the worst. But the utter utter utter worst collaborator is the one who helped the Strigoi use the nuke on the statue of liberty - that’s a the worst, Alex is very clear
Ephaim is silent
I’m not silent. I’m cheering and agreeing fervently
Alas we also have to catch up with Zach the worst
Can we not?
No? We have to?
So Abby is still working as a cleaner for Zach. For bonus points the recap at the beginning linked her hiring to the Master saying Zach should have a trophy.
Zach has a snake which is probably meant to make us think he’s creepy. He nuked New York. Seriously snake ownership way down the list of creepiness.
He tries to win Abby over by offering her wonderful luxuries like, fruit and… well… food. Basically the fact he can throw so much of his cast offs at her and the poor, destitute, starving kids she lives with should be something of a wake up call for Zach, but he’s more “look at all the shinies I can bribe your affection with.” While she’s all “ok, the 689 starving kids who sleep in the same space you have for a lounge may actually get to live a little longer”. Zach also decides to impress her by literally staring down vampires in the street while normal people like Abby dare not stop walking and talking to people for fear of being snacked on.
He manages to look far far more creepy. He doesn’t seem to see that.
He’s also still hallucinating as well.
He goes to the Master who quickly assures him anyone who is starving is totally the human’s (your) fault because of the nukes that destroyed so much of the food supply (all the human’s fault, not in anyway the Master)
The Master than has a big speech about humanity is totally the worst (Not Subtle Theme #1) and humans would just keep killing and destroying everything and it’s such a good thing that the Master has unleashed nuclear genocide to save humanity for themselves by imposing a vicious, murdering hive mind. Yay
While other people may find the flaws in this argument, Zach is also reminded that his cool digs, plenty of food and the ability to buy Abby’s affection with shiny things so he gets on hi knees and sucks down more gooey white stuff.
And then werewolves break through the back wall and eat Zach
Ahhh, I can dream