Monday, November 19, 2018

Van Helsing, Season 3, Episode 6: Like Suicide

After a series of really terrible decisions last week, including Axel deciding to go wandering around a vampire infested city with three complete rookies, Axel and his extras get captured. As a designated Sexy Love Interest he is stripped to the waist and tied up

And far be it from me to criticise good eye candy but this is bizarre. If you’re going to kidnap someone and strip them off their clothes (either to make them vulnerable or because you’re horny) you strip them of their clothes. I can’t think of a situation where you would strip only one of your captives to the waist only.

Oh another soldier survived to be tied up with more clothes - but only so the B’ah can eat him and Axel can have his NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Moment. Well done Axel, those soldiers were probably better off hiding without you.

The B’ah ghosts around being kind of anticlimatic and planning to turn him - but it doesn’t work because his blood is super nasty now. So she’s going to squish his head instead - I think this is mind reading. But apparently not killing him

The B’ah delivers his dog tags to Dre one of the survivors who gives them to Vanessa. She announces she’s going to go rampaging. He suggests she doesn’t.

Vanessa: RAWR!

So rampaging it is.

She does pause to lick Axel’s dogtags so she can taste his blood and get all red eyed - and possibly track Axel, possibly. Barry is freaked out watching this from behind. I’m not sure what is so scary about the back of Vanessa’s head because there’s absolutely no way he could see her lick the blood from that angle. He decides to follow her because people have dubious decision making skills on TV Landia. I mean, in a world that has been completely overrun by vampires he decides to follow the strange combat monster who licks up blood all on his own. Why would you do this? She then reveals that yes, she totally drinks blood so he just cuts himself and offers her the wound.

Is he competing with Diana Bishop for the worst decision ever? Really?

So he runs off and Vanessa gets to confront the B’ah and her Jiang Shi. They have a brief speech about how Vanessa is unworthy to have a totem and how she’s going to take it and raise the Dark Lord before we have a fight scene

And it’s not a bad fight scene, random Jiang Shi get smooshed and there’s some decently shiny martial arts choreography but for all everyone is going OOOH THE B’AH IS SUPER SCARY it’s kind of anti-climatic. She kind of moves around quickly and sometimes ghosts in and out. I think they could have made more of this, like Vanessa can’t touch her because she keeps vanishing which would have made the ending where she is stopped because Axel surprise stabs her in the back stopping her zooming away and letting them kill her.

Still the B’ah is defeated and they take blood back to Scarlett so she is healed and everything is wonderful. The remaining survivors think they can now survive in the remains of San Francisco which is kind of optimistic because this world is still technically full of vampires, remember

Hey, does anyone remember this? Because there doesn’t seem to be any vampires around any more?

Anyway they do seem to remember there are a lot of vampires left so maybe the gang should go to Denver. But they protest they can’t go alone (despite being willing to stay in San Francisco alone) but Axel volunteers to go with them. Axel, hon, I don’t want to burst your bubble but I think they wanted the two super powered women. You couldn’t keep a unit of soldiers alive

This means we have goodbyes and Scarlett and Vanessa going off alone and Vanessa revealing her grand plan

She’s not going to destroy the totems. She’s going to use them. To resurrect the Dark One.

This… does not seem like a good idea Vanessa…

Vanessa: RAWR!

Oookay we’re doing this.

Let’s go to Denver to see if people there are as stupid than Vanessa and co

Yes, yes they are.

So, while coming home from a drunken night out, Jolene and Sarah are attacked by a vampire but they find out that the vampire repellent stuff they’re injected with… works? I mean they say it works? I see Jolene pinned to the floor with a vampire trying to bite her in the face but they say it’s work so I assume that’s why she wasn’t bitten?

But as the episode goes on we see Jolene attacked by jealous creepy dude Jared who she works with and we see Jolene also snarling and snapping at Sarah for no apparent reason and even she realises her behaviour is unreasonable. Time for Sarah to do some experiments - and she realises the anti-vampire serum also causes violent ragy impulses

Ok, can I just check what Sarah is doing in Denver? Because they’ve kind of given her a lab and left her to her own devices to do whatever whim she has? This seems… odd? They don’t have stuff for a doctor to do?

Anyway they report to the authorities that the serum is evil and they decide that psychotic rage incidents are a totally ok side effect so long as it makes people feel safe.

Are vampire attacks in Denver that regular that it’s worth having any member of your populace lashing out in violent rage if they’re a little resistant? This does not seem like reasonable decision making

Sarah informs them that there’s also daywalking super vampires that may be immune. But the powers that be just kind of shrug that off and decide it’s a wild story. Um… why? Why wouldn’t you believe the doctor who has very recently being out in the vampire infested wilderness? Why would you think that the isolated, secure people in Denver would know better?

Why does everyone make such bad decisions? WHYYYYYY?

Meanwhile Phillip is acting out more and more dramatically as he fails to deal with all his vampire guilt while Julius runs around trying to cover for him and enabling him because of his own vampire guilt. After shooting himself in the head fails because of the whole immortality thing, Phillip jumps off a building. Whether or not he gets up remains to be seen

I hate the Idiot Ball

I hate storylines which are driven entirely by character incompetence.