The Dreadfort
with all it’s interesting decorations: Creepy Ramsay and Broken Theon
He returns to the Deadfort in time to see his dad, Lord Roose
Bolton newly returned from the Freys with his new wife, Walda – who the very
evil Ramsay quickly charms, greeting her as his mother. He also has a happy
reunion with Locke, Bolton’s huntsman and fellow sadist (who cut off Jaime’s
hand). Roose isn’t thrilled that Ramsay has damaged Theon as much as he has
since it makes him pretty useless as a bargaining chip to drive the rest of the
Iron Islanders from the North (particularly from the fortress if Moat Cailin) –
he even reminds Ramsay that he’s only a bastard which really really bothers
Ramsay. So he proves Theon’s loyalty – by having Theon shave him, hold a razor
sharp blade to Ramsay’s throat while Theon tells him how his father murdered
Robb, who was like a brother to Theon. Theon is so broken and afraid, he doesn’t
even nick Ramsay – and does tell Roose about Bran and Rickon still being alive
(meaning the Starks could rally support back from the people). I think even
Roose is a little intimidated- he sends Locke to hunt the boys – and Ramsay to
take Moat Cailin.
Did I mention creepy? I think we may need a new word – creepy doesn’t come
close.
The Dragonstone, Stannis
the also-ran, Mellisandre and lots of fire.
Wannabe-king Stannis burns some people alive for his new
Lord of Light religion and his wife, Selyse, has gone all in for the Lord of
Light. Ser Davos, the curmudgeon conscience, is less pleased about Stannis
burning his loyal allies to death for not giving up their old faith. Selyse is
desperately, hopelessly in love with Stannis and brimming with unappreciated
fawning loyalty. She doesn’t have the same loyalty and love for their daughter
with her birthmark; but at least Stannis loves Shireen.
At Selyse’s suggestion, Mellisandre goes to see Shireen
who has a lot of sense and isn’t buying what Mellisandre’s selling.
In the North,
beyond the wall Bran, Hodor, and the spooky ones Jojen and Meera
Bran likes to ride around in Summer’s mind though Jojen
(weird spooky seer guy) warns him it’s dangerous and he could forget everything
(which is bad, apparently). They find one of the trees sacred to the old
religion and Bran touches it – getting a range of visions telling him to go
North. Take that Jojen, Bran can out-spooky you any day!
Kings Landing,
with the Lannisters, Tyrells, Sansa and a Partridge in a Pear Tree
At Kings Landing, Tyrion is trying to convince his
brother Jaime to eat and be happy and Tyrion sums up the Lannister kids “the
dwarf, the cripple and the mother of madness.” Tyrion reassures the despairing
Jaime presenting many options for what he can do with one hand – and getting
Bron to help teach him to use a blade again (since he’s discreet and won’t tell
the gazillion people who want Jaime dead that he can’t defend himself).
Tyrion’s troubles grow as Varys tells him that he was
seen with Shae (after Tywin ordered Tyrion to get rid of her). Tyrion assumes
Varys will lie for him – Varys adamantly refuses but does offer to get Shae out
of the city to safety before Tywin hangs her (he has sworn to hang the next
prostitute Tyrion sleeps with).
There’s wedding breakfast with lots of presents and the
long absent Lord Mace Tyrell appears – if you look carefully you can see Olenna’s
puppet strings on his wrists and ankles and Cersei is quick to tattle on Tyrion
and point out Shae to their dad. Joffrey’s normal nastiness is restrined by
Tywin glaring at him, but Sansa, for one, doesn’t buy it (my gods… is Sansa
being… SUSPICIOUS OF SOMEONE!?! Every time Sansa side-eyes someone, a butterfly
dies). Well, briefly – Joffrey really is too vile for even Tywin to control and
he merrily destroys wedding gifts because… he’s Joffrey.
Meeting Shae later, Tyrion tries to convince her to take
Varys’s out and when she refuses and talks about fighting his sister and
father, he insults her, calls her a whore, calls her unfit, sneers at the men
she has slept with; leaving her crushed and tearful and leaving after slapping
him.
It’s time for the wedding! And everyone looks absolutely
overjoyed, honest. Never has a groom been scowled at by so many guests. It all
seems rather restrained, all things considered. At least the after party is
super extravagant, or so Tywin complains. Olenna is there to remind him she’s paying
half and how awesome she is and how much the Lannisters owe them and will
continue to owe them (she doesn’t yell “dance little puppet, dance for you
master!” because she doesn’t have to).
Olenna moves on to her next target, first of all commiserating
with Sansa over the Red Wedding (“as if men need another reason to fear
marriage”) before throwing in some digs at Tyrion because he’s there and she’s
Olenna. She’s awesome like that. And Joffrey is still awful. Of course he is.
Margaery declares the leftovers from the feast go to the poor because she’s
crafty like that, Joffrey’s nasty smug face actually looks like he thinks he’ll
get the credit.
Oberyn and Loras make eyes across the party because when
one has a cast of a gazillion and 2 men who like men they will always find each
other. It’s a TV rule. Jaime drops in to warn Loras he’ll never marry Cersei (like Loras wants to) and I’m not
sure if Loras’s come back “neither will you” is infantile flailing or a very
cutting rebuke. Cersei gets in her own digs at her competition for Jaime’s
affections – snarking at poor Brienne for loving Jaime. She seems to have built
a full steam of spite since she then laces into Pycelle and has the leftovers
given to the dogs, not the poor.
