Once Upon a Time, Season 1, Episode 22: A Land Without Magic

In fairy land Prince James is trying to escape from his prison cell with a rock which is, unsurprisingly, not very successful when guards arrive to take him to his execution. Of course, no guards stand a chance against a hero and he knocks them both out and he is helped by the Huntsman! Who had been enslaved by the Queen

The Queen spies the prince through the mirror and sends him to a vast, trackless forest; the infinite forest with no way out where he runs into Rumplestiltskin.  He agrees to give a Snow White tracking ring to Prince James for a price. James refuses and tries to stab him which… doesn’t really work. Did I mention how awesome Rumplestiltskin is?

We have a fairy tale moment saying how wonderful True Love is – and he wants his last stock of purple True Love juice to be protected by putting it into the belly of a beast. Off he goes to a castle to find the beast –and it’s Pam! Sorry, Maleficent who then turns into a dragon. Wow, special effects budget, I like it. Epic fight scene time!

He deposits the potion and gets his ring from Rumplestiltskin and nifty new clothes and the ring leads him to Snow White in her glass coffin. Time for the kiss and happily ever after… except their step-parents still hold the thrones

In the real world, Henry is rushed into hospital having been brought low by Regina’s baked goods. The doctor doesn’t understand, no poison has this symptoms – it’s almost like magic. Revelation moment for Emma – who picks up The Book and has a flashback of Prince James and Snow White putting her, as a baby, in the cupboard. Emma loses it, drags her into a storage cupboard and tells Regina that Henry ate her apple turnover – and demands to know if it’s all true. Regina confirms it, in tears and that she tried to kill Emma because that’s the only way Henry would be hers – but she has used up the last of her magic. This is an amazing scene – and we finally get proof of Regina’s care for Henry. They need help from the other person in town who knows about magic – Mr. Gold who Regina reveals as Rumplstiltskin

To Gold! And he tells them True Love will break any curse – and he has bottled some from the strands of Emma’s parent’s hair (his purple potion). He put a single drop on the parchment that created the curse for Regina – and that drop is why Emma can break the curse – long awaited and excellent exposition time! Emma has to be the one who finds the magic to break the spell (I do not appreciate the denial of Regina’s motherhood though, the fact Emma is the product of the magic would have been enough). And I love how Gold slips into Rumplestiltskin’s word choices and patterns when the truth is out - his acting has been part of what made this show. The bottle was hidden inside someone who Regina has locked up – and Emma will need her father’s sword to get it.

Regina has a show down with Jefferson - refusing to fulfil her part of the bargain and reunite him with his daughter. And Emma finds August turning into wood while giving her a pep talk. Onwards to the Evil Queen bat-cave where the True Love Potion waits, among the detritus of old fairy tales – in the belly of Maleficent who is, surprise, still a dragon! Well if Emma didn’t believe before, this should do it. Time for another epic fight scene! (Though I love that Emma draws her gun first) and she gets the egg with the potion inside. But Gold tricks them out of it (well, Emma’s ridiculous trust does)

Mary and David meet up for some quality Wet Lettuce time. Later Mary goes and sees Henry in the hospital and reads the Snow White story to him – which is very narcissistic really. Then Henry starts crashing while Jefferson sneaks into the hospital to release Belle from her prison – to go to Mr. Gold and tell him Regina held her prisoner – he will, presumably, be upset.

Gold has his potion at the shop – and Belle arrive telling him that Regina locked her up. This does not make Gold happy.

Game of Thrones, Season 2, Episode 7: A Man Without Honour

In Harenhal we have standard shots of grimness and cruelty. Tywin is convinced that the death of his soldier (who was going to reveal Arya’s note stealing last week) was an attack on him. Ser Gregor the Mountain, who is not a Nice Man, is doing lots of hanging and torturing assuming that the death was caused by “the Brotherhood”. And, yes I agree with Tywin, that’s a ridiculously pretentious name.

He monologues away to Arya (who is awesome) about the war and his legacy and some exposituion about the history of Harenhal while Arya contemplates stabbing him in the back. But she joins in and reveals she knows rather a lot about the history herself. Tywin pokes her that he knows she is of noble birth but she continues to dance around him – I love how these two spar.

In Kings Landing Sansa approaches the Hound, Sandor Clegane in the halls to thank him for rescuing her from last week’s riot. She objects to how harsh and hateful he is – but his comeback is good as well, he may be rough and unpleasant but his actions protected her - and he also subtly made it clear he intends to stand between her and Joffrey.

Sansa wakes to find she has had her first period. With Shae (who has clearly thrown her loyalty in with Sansa, at least against Cersei) she tries to hide evidence of it (when she has her first period she is considered old enough to marry Joffrey) and Shae threatens a servant to keep it secret – but Clegane finds out and news reaches Cersei. Cersei discusses her own pregnancies and giving borth – with the late King Robert’s indifference, and her brother Jaime’s devotion. It’s also clear that whatever illusions Cersei had about Joffrey are at very least dying. Cersei’s delusion and cynicism is painful to see and extremely well acted – how love causes her to support people even when she knows she shouldn’t (Joffrey, again) and how you shouldn’t love anyone except your children – with whom you have no choice (again, the bitterness over Joffrey).

Cersei and Tyrion have one of their pleasant little meetings and they both discuss how they can’t control Joffrey. And Cersei wonders if Joffrey is their punishment for Jaime and her’s incest (pretty much confirming it to Tyrion even after he gives her the chance to pretend Robert is his father). Tyrion comforts her with Tommen and Marcella – surprisingly sweet, gentle children. It’s the first time we’ve seen these two act as siblings with Tyrion moved by his sister’s grief.

At Robb’s camp, the Lannister messenger/prisoner returns with news that Cersei is not accepting their peace terms, unsurprisingly. They have so many prisoners they lack places to put them so Robb, in his honour (gods save us from Stark honour!) decides to put him in the same cage as Jaime Lannister. Talisa wants medical surprises and so will come with Robb to the Cragg where he is negotiating a surrender. I predict more flirting.

The visiting Lannister and Jaime reminisce with the visitor clearly hero worshipping Jaime. There’s lots of reminiscing and exposition until Jaime reveals his escape plan – which involves Visiting Lannister dying (or Jaime beating him to death). The gaoler (the son of Lord Karstark) comes in to investigate… alone and gets a chain round his neck from Jaime.

If he escapes he doesn’t get far before being recaptured and Lord Karstark demands his head – to be talked into delay by Catelyn (in a masterful speech) to wait until Robb returns from accepting the Cragg’s surrender.

But anger grows through the night and Brienne says that the Karstarks or their men will try to kill Jaime before dawn – and if that happens who would fight to protect a Lannister? Catelyn goes for a dramatic confrontation with Jaime – who has wonderful points to make about the conflicting oaths a knight must swear in between insulting Brienne for being so tall and broad and insulting Catelyn for Ned’s infidelity.  Catelyn asks Brienne to give her her sword.

In Winterfell Theon wakes to discover that Bran and Rickon have escaped. He is unhappy about this – which certainly makes me happy. He is bemused that 2 disabled people (Hodor and Bran) can escape capture – which shows both Theon’s demeaning attitude towards them and how very wrong he is. So he calls up some horses and hounds to track them (what? Is he using Winterfell hounds, they’re collaborating? Or do the Iron Isles – seafarers and raiders – commonly have packs of dogs on their ships?). Theon is confident that his sister’s 500 men can hold Winterfell (and that Ned Stark apparently believed 500 men could hold Winterfell against 10,000 – so I assume the a) Ned was exaggerating and Theon didn’t realise or b) the castle has lasers or c) is actually a Transformer because there’s no other way that’s likely).

Fangs for the Fantasy Podcast: Episode 66

This week we discuss the season finales of Vampire Diaries and Once Upon a Time and celebrate the demise of Secret Circle! We lament at Alcatraz being cancelled. We also discuss A Game of Thrones

We discuss out book of the week – City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare. And Tami is still reading her porn.

Face Off: A Tale of 2 Henrys

This is a tale of 2 Henrys.

Now, it’s a little fluffier than usual, but I was hit by a realisation watching Blood Ties (which we’re reviewing on Thursdays and you can find in our archive) - and the character of Henry Fitzroy, the sexy sexy vampire

Uh-huh, not throwing him out of bed for scattering crumbs. In fact, he can have a full 3 course meal with gravy, screw the sheets. How Vicki Nelson resists that or even thinks Celucci is a match, I do not know.

Review: City of Lost Souls, Book 5 of the Mortal Instruments Series

Jace and Sebastian have disappeared – and the Clave has started to reduce the hunt for them. They have other priorities and they just can’t dedicate any more resources to finding them.

Of course, Clary and her friends can’t leave it at that and can’t just let him go. They’re willing to search under every rock for him, leaving no stone unturned until they can find a way to both bring him back and free him from Sebastian’s control. It’s a quest that takes them to the secretive Iron Sisters, to summon mighty and fiercely terrifying demons and even call upon the Angels of heaven themselves and risk their furious wrath.

But, most heartbreaking of all is that Jace doesn’t seem to be unhappy where he is. Captive or willing accomplice seems to be in doubt. And if he is willing then what with clary & Co actually do? And are they willing to sacrifice him to stop Sebastian’s schemes? Or, if Jace trusts him, is there more to Sebastian than they have previously seen?

My first complaint of this book is, sadly, the writing. The series was always atrociously overwritten with a lot of severe Chekhov’s Junkshop issues, a lot of excess description and a great deal of unnecessary literary quotes.  This has always been a major barrier to my enjoyment of the series because it was so mired in pointless verbiage – it made Dickens seem concise. Now this book is much much better than previous books on that score. We have a lot less literary references, the dialogue is tighter, there’s less pointless description and less pointless tangents and maunderings.

Less. Unfortunately “less” here means I’m drowning in a sea rather than an ocean – it’s still overwritten and it’s still overdescriptive and the writing is still clumsy. In the first few chapters I could have started a drinking game based on how many times Clary felt “icy”. I nearly did start a drinking game based ion the number of times Alec’s hair and eye colour were described (they’re black and blue respectively, in case you’ve forgotten. An absolute impossibility if you read the book because they’re described at least twice every time Alec raises his black haired, blue eyed head) but was worried about the consequences of alcohol poisoning.

There were also moments of filler that were, frankly, bemusing. Jordan and Maia are giant filler characters for one – and I sat and gaped when, running to find a cure for Luke dying of demon poisoning, they decide to pull over and make out. Really?

Pacing was a problem. Clary is quickly separated from the group and spends much of the book following her own plan that doesn’t actually progress very quickly or in much detail – but we spend a lot of time on it to keep up with her emotional issues. Similarly we have a separate plot line with Simon that could be interesting but isn’t developed – so adds to the filler. And then we have the infuriating tangent with Alec sabotaging his relationship with Magnus – there’s a lot of pages written here that don’t advance the main plot or even their own plots significantly. It’s slow, has a lot of dead ends, a lot of irrelevance and takes a long time to actually get on with the plot. for huge amounts of the book all we have are people moping, people making out and people moping about wanting to make out with each other. This is like 2 thirds of the book.

I am actually immensely amused by how much people in this book refer to Clary as reckless, foolish and generally not one who makes the best decisions – it feels vaguely like Cassandra Clare re-read her old books and declared “no sensible person would do these things!” Oh and can someone please explain to me where Clary developed her epic fighting skills? Because she didn't get THAT much training

In some ways, Clary’s decision making is not nearly as bad as it was in previous books. But then, she doesn’t have much chance to make many decisions – she makes one (a horrendous, reckless and deeply foolish decision that Simon considers “suicidal” and is bludgeoned into helping her or she’ll plunge off and do it alone with no support) and keeping to that decision doesn’t really raise many more options. She can’t follow someone around and choose to do many other things. The sad thing is that doesn’t make Clary a better character – it merely means she’s more tolerable when her decision making is kept to a minimum; let’s not forget, the decisions she does make here are described as reckless, foolish and suicidal – and rightly so. They’re also frequently selfish and short-sighted, from leaving in the first place (including arguing that “it’s not fair” with her mother – what is she, 9?) to preventing Jace going to the Clave.

One thing I did like a lot about this book is the way Alec describes micro-aggressions he faces as a gay man in a homophobic society (even if that society keeps changing to fit the story needs, from virulently homophobic, to accepting, to “let’s just not talk about it”). The constant little heteronormative comments that are dehumanising and demeaning – it was really well done.

The Dresden Files, Season 1, Episode 7: Walls

This episode begins with limits – specifically Harry’s inability to use technology because he’s a wizard and, above that, Bob’s intangibility making him unable to physically interact with the world. Something that’s especially poignant after last episode when we learned Bob was cursed into his skull after being punished for trying to resurrect his dead lover. He’s even more depressed when a prospective client arrives and refuses his help because she wants Harry

Harry runs into her walking home – asks if she needs help and she gets hit by a car (with a fuzzy faced magic man driving).

Time to report it to Detective Murphy (who covers every crime everywhere in Chicago ever). The deceased is Raychelle Banton and she had cut out Harry’s newspaper advert. Murphy has a bit of a snit because any case she has involving harry comes with a whole lot of randomness and lots of lies – now Harry says they also close the cases but I have to question that. Sure they’re resolved to Harry’s satisfaction, but I can’t imagine the paperwork would list the cases as closed at the police station. Murphy still invites him along to play (at least Detective Kirmani questions why they’re letting harry all over their crime scene but Murphy shuts him down) and examine the car that ran Raychelle over.

Harry finds tallow in the car and takes this to the very angsty Bob (thankfully Bob is both an actor who can pull off melodrama and he snaps out of it relatively quickly) and an answer machine message from Raychelle saying she had been seeing things.  Time for investigation at the college and to meet someone whose picture was in Raychelle’s date book, Dante. He claims to know nothing. Time to follow up the investigation with some magic and entering in Raychelle’s apartment, leaving his finger prints everywhere and finding an extremely expensive piece of jewellery– and been attacked by a man in a hood who magically disappears in a closet. Confirmation of magic!

The jewellery is part of a series of very expensive burglaries that Dresden reports to Morgan – which seems awfully precipitous. As Morgan points out – it doesn’t take magic to steal and make things disappear. They have their usual argument – Morgan makes it clear he’s a busy man with a war to fight and little time for Harry’s problems – but Harry makes it more personal and asks where the Council and their war against Dark Magic was when his father died. It was a good, heavy scene with a lot of issues touched on – including why Harry is doing what he does.

Harry does some magical spying on Dante and his two rich, connected friends – and they’re together with a lot of expensive purloined goods, referring to a Caleb and that Dante is working to clear his family’s medical bills. He follows them on their little bank robbing job where they magically dive through the banks walls to steal money. The problem is that one of them, Carson, only gets part way through and is ripped in half.

To the pathologist! And Waldo Butters is geeky and fun (but needs Polka music) declares that the body was killed by a large blunt instrument – and he was dying, rotting from the inside. Murphy confronts harry who knew both where the other half of the body would be (inside a locked bank vault) and that Carson was dying.

On to Bob (Murphy seems oddly placated by random platitudes) and some research. A tallow covered severed hand is, of course the Hand of Glory (it says a lot for my reading choices that I knew this from the beginning when they found tallow in the car). The severed hand of a dead thief covered in wax – it draws the energy from the boys (who all have emotional issues which makes them vulnerable) to power up super thief talents – like the ability to walk through walls – courtesy of the thief spirit bound in the hand candle. And that spirit is taking them over.

Review of Dark Shadows

I really wanted to like this movie and it should have been a winner considering that it once again paired up Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, but alas, Dark Shadows represents two hours of my life that I will never get back.  Dark Shadows stars Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer and Eva Green. This movie was based on the television series Dark Shadows which ran from 1966-1971.  I must admit that I am not familiar with the series so I cannot judge how closely the movie aligned with the series.

Barnabas Collins and his family sail from Liverpool to the U.S. where they establish themselves in the fishing industry and become the richest family in the town Collinsport, Maine.  The family builds  Collinwood Manor.  This should have meant a happy life for Barnabas but when his parents are killed mysteriously he spends his time investigating the dark arts, certain that some form of evil is at play.  He continues to run the business in between sleeping with Angelique Bouchard.  When Angelique asks that he declare his love, he is forced to admit that he does not in fact love her despite sleeping with her.  When Barnabas falls in love with another woman, Angelique curses Barnabas and he becomes a vampire.  She bewitches Barnabas' true love and jumps to her death from a cliff.  Angelique then sets the townspeople against him and he is buried in a coffin for almost two hundred years.

When Barnabas is accidentally dug up by a construction crew, he finds the world much changed.  He discovers that not only are his descendants still alive, but so is the witch who cursed him.  He sets about attempting to restore the family fortune, denying the charms of Angelique, learning about this new age, and falling in love with Victoria Winters, who is clearly the reincarnation of his lost love.  Barnabas uses archaic language that is meant to humorous, for instance his idea of complementing a woman is to comment on her child bearing hips.

Depp completely commits to the character of Barnabas and plays up the quirky dated character who he is playing, but in mind it is not enough to make the film entertaining. There are times when Barnabas is downright irritating and camp.  At several points throughout the movie, I found myself looking at my watch wondering how much longer I still had to sit through the film. Cameos by Alice Cooper not withstanding and comments about him being the ugliest woman that Barnabas has ever scene was not enough to save this film.

If you have seen the commercials advertising Dark Shadows, then you have already seen the best parts of this movie.  Burton went into this attempting to give the viewer classic gothic horror with a touch of comedy but it all fell incredibly flat.

Grimm, Season 1, Episode 21: Big Feet

“He Stripped off his skin and tossed it into the fire and he was human form again.”

Time for the penultimate episode of Grimm! Let’s see if they start tying up threads of the long neglected story otherwise I may have to break out the snark.

We start with fools walking in the woods at night looking for Bigfoot. I believe that a Wesen eating him may actually improve the intelligence of humanity so here’s hoping. Or a bear, a bear would do, I’m not fussy. Then we get screaming, running, lots of those horrible shaky camera effects that the Blair Witch made so annoyingly popular, and a guy getting thrown pretty impressively against a tree.

Meanwhile Tom Curson calls out vet Juliette because something big and furry attacked one of his horses.  And it was very very big and very very strong and very very hairy and leaves large, bare feet – that is wounded from Tom’s gunshot. Naturally they go wandering in the wood, at night, after the savage, clawed, wounded, angry beastie. As you do. And they find a large number of dead bodies.

In comes Nick, Hank and Wu (who has the perfect snarky lines and there really needs to be more of him) and they find the video camera and a survivor. She’s covered in blood, hysterical and blames it on Big Foot. The video shows a man wearing clothes though but also massive strength

Eddie is woken in the middle by Larry, a Wildermann, who has been shot in the leg. Naturally Eddie calls Nick. He can’t take Larry to a hospital because he can’t Voga – retract his monstery-ness, every would see him for what he is, not just Grimm and other Wesen. Eddie is also extremely doubtful that Larry is violent and he’s part of Eddie’s support group to control their issues and impulse controls.

The police have call in police dogs  who come near Eddie’s house – but not in because Eddie marks his territory and the dogs know better. Eddie puts on Larry’s shirt and runs through the woods, leading the dogs away. Ok, so they’d track Larry’s scent, but we’ve already established that the dogs are afraid of Blutbaden and won’t enter their territory – but they’re willing to chase one? At least when they corner him Eddie gives a fantastic roar (that Hank hears) and the dogs go running. To escape, Eddie knocks Hank over while looking all Blutbadey.

At that point Larry wakes up and rips something out of his own neck – and dies. Eddie does an amazing job of portraying restrained grief here – that’s some stellar acting. Eddie and Nick dump Larry’s body in the woods – but Eddie still doesn’t agree that Larry could have killed normally.

So Nick goes to speak to Larry’s therapist – Brinkerhoff. Who instantly starts asking Nick about being a Grimm and who knows, not that Nick answers. He had twice weekly therapy sessions, that helps with identity issues. Brinkerhoff has “creepy” and “villain” written all over him