Almost Human, Season 1, Episode 7: Simon Says

Opening exposition – Detective Richard Paul (the arsehole detective) tells us all there has been a solar flare that has knocked out all power and there’s going to be rolling black outs. Since they’re going to auxiliary power for a while, that means energy is rationed – which means androids only get charged if they’re prioritised. John snarks away because he doesn’t like Richard really. Richard snarks about about John’s cybernetics – and Dorian punches him. Dorian is pissed because Richard has decides the MXs get charging priority.

Richard threatens to write Dorian up (what? Why would that even be a thing with 99.9% of androids being emotionless MXs? Follow your world building through, Almost Human!) and Dorian apologises – though it’s Richard’s fault; Dorian is only half a charge which makes him emotionally unstable.

Uh-huh, y’know when things like this are revealed we can see why the DRNs were maybe, just maybe, not the ideal androids for police work.

While he’s an arsehole, he’s also right when he points out the randomly giggling Dorian is not really fit for duty – but John takes him anyway. Richard takes his anger out on his MS (who he also treats as a servant).

In the car Dorian is definitely angry at the MX getting priority, especially since a DRN’s personality matrix is always the first thing to go. He repeats again that he needs his own space, as he complained about before: but Maldonado nixed it because Dorian is city property and needs to be supervised at all times. Dorian has a great idea – what about John’s place! His back room; John objects, that’s his trophy room thank you very much! While Dorian isn’t very impressed with the man keeping his high school trophies, John quickly recites his achievements and is so lost in them he almost doesn’t even notice Dorian falling asleep

On to this week’s crime – a man, Ramon driving home, happily talking to his wife when he’s interrupted by a man washing his window, despite his protest. While looking for money to pay him, the man sprays him in the face, knocking him out. He wakes up with a big metal collar round his neck with an ominous timer on it – counting down.

That’s never ever a good thing.

He looks around and sees teeny tiny cameras everywhere as his new bulky fashion accessory tells him to follow the rules of the game – oh, Saw without the gore. Wait, was there any real point to Saw without the gore? Damn it, first Dorian is too angry to be witty and now we get a gore-less Saw.

Anyway, the guy behind the game is watching remotely from a screen that also keeps track of the number of viewers (do I even need to say the collar is a bomb?) – he is live streaming it. Aha! Reality TV! Well, seeing a man follow orders or be blown up is a lot classier than 21^st century reality TV.

Ramon is instructed to take a gun out of the briefcase that has been left for him and go to the bank where he works – and to hold it up for a whole lot of money. He takes the money (loaded up onto a flashdrive… yeah this futuristic style of money is ridiculous and only exists because they need to be able to steal it) and runs.

Dorian and John pursue his car, alerted by the bank alarm (Dorian uses his megaphone voice in the car), but, of course, Ramon is not allowed to pull over until he is stopped when John EMPs his car. Dorian quickly confirms the collar is a bomb; and he doesn’t have enough time to disarm it. All they can do is put up a shield so no-one else is hurt.

Teen Wolf, Season 3, Episode 13: Anchors

After the ominous recap – in which we see Scott is the new shiny alpha and all of them have activated a supernatural beacon with the Nemeton as well as causing all kind of darkness inside themselves  - we return to the second half of season 3 with Stiles in bed, having a bad dream. Of the school at night all empty, very spooky and very atmospheric (well done director) school – and the Nemeton in the middle of the classroom. Which grabs him with a vine

He wakes up – next to Lydia. It takes him a moment to realise that is odd – then the door creaks. As is the way of dreams, he feels the need to close it. He opens the door while Lydia begs him not to – which leads to the Nemeton again, this time lit by floodlights.

This time he wakes up for real – no Lydia present, but his father chivvying him to school. Hey the dreams may have had spooky dead trees all round but they’re better in some ways at least, Stiles.

At school, Stiles tells Scott about the dream and they worry if the whole Nemeton sacrifice could have effected them. Um, what part of “there will be a darkness in you forever” made you think there wouldn’t be long term consequences?

And he wakes up YET AGAIN, screaming and panicking until his dad rushes in to hold him and calm him down. Ouch, poor Stiles

Over to Scott and he seems to be awake – but his shadow has claws. Not his actual hand, just his shadow. Poor, insecure Isaac is still his houseguest and all kinds of worried that maybe maybe Scott is angry with him after the whole Isaac/Allison thing. Scott assures him that he’s totally maybe possibly not totally almost maybe angry? Yeah, even he doesn’t know. But it’s ok he totally doesn’t want to hit Isaac. No. Not at all, not even if Isaac says he can – wait, Isaac wants to kiss her? That’s it, you’re bouncing off the far wall. Melissa McCall, being awesome, makes it clear she’s not having supernatural teenaged boys test her supernatural levels of patience.

I know that’s kind of meant to be funny and it is in a way, until you remember that Isaac with his “do you want to hit me? You’ll feel better if you do…” has had a lifetime of physical child abuse… Isaac’s history makes this joke fall very flat (and it’s not like they forgot, because they’re randomly bringing it up later on).

Stiles is still having trouble, the title of his books changing to become gibberish – when his dad distracts him he looks back and it has turned back to English (the gibberish was an anagram). His dad is worried about him, but also wants the eternally curious Stiles not to notice the box of files he’s taken from work.

Allison has her own side effects – becoming freezing cold in the lift from her flat – and it opening to a disused and wrecked hospital corridor. The director who is really good at spooky atmospheres comes back. Aie and she ends up in the morgue with doors opening by themselves. The label on the door is “Kate Argent” her dead evil, murderous aunt. She opens the door and sees an incredibly long tunnel – and then down it scrabbles the body of her aunt all rage and flashing cameras. Yes, I nearly fell out of my chair, I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Allison turns and runs – and is suddenly in school, surrounded by people and Lydia

Chosen By Blood (Para-Ops, #1) by Virna DePaul

Chosen by Blood takes place in an alternate world where humans and supernatural creatures live side by side in an uneasy peace.  In an effort to reduce the threat of vampires during the second American civil war, humans created a vaccine which deprived human blood of the nourishment that vampires need to survive.  Vampires have a hard time reproducing and with their members now dying of starvation, it is imperative that a cure be found.

When dharmie (half human/half vamire) Knox Devereaux the leader of a small group of vampires is contacted by the FBI to join a an otherworld military group created specifically to hunt down a cure, he simply cannot resist participating.  The job comes with the added bonus of finally getting close to his soul mate Special Agent Felicia Locke.  As much as Knox wants to be with Felicia, he is driven to protect her.  With various supernatural creatures having a different idea of how human and otherworld relations should be, this mission might just bring an end to their love before it has a chance to grow. 

Lost Girl, Season 4, Episode 8: Groundhog Fae

Aaargh, you know what film I truly despise, perhaps above all others? Groundhog Day. Do you know what’s even worse than the film? The fact that every TV series that can get away with it simply has to have a Groundhog Day episode.

That said, on to the episode where the gang is in a garage and we have more eye candy (is it just me or has the eye candy levels been really high this season?) with Bo sexily cleaning a car while Lauren looks on then is joined by Dyson who also stares at her (this lasts a full 2 minutes by my fast-forwarded scale).

This is apparently the Christmas episode, judging by the music and Dyson and Hale talking Yule traditions (Krampus) and lots of poking between Dyson and Lauren to get closest to Bo. As they drive off, 2 guys in the garage drop a man under the bonnet of a car – which seems to have no engine since he fits.

At Bo’s house, Kenzi and Trick are decorating for Yule – well Kenzi is, Trick is chuntering on about the real meaning of Yule as a ceremony of contrition (mentioning Krampus again) in his Rudolph (Eikthyrni! Even if he does have a red nose!) jumper. The rest of the gang return and resolve to party hard to show Bo that she’s still special to them.

Seriously? Is there an episode that goes by without someone telling Bo how special she is? Her alarm clock probably wakes her up in a morning with an ode to her shiny specialness.

And then Bo wakes up in the car where they left her and apparently forgot about her (hah, no. Don’t buy it – certainly not with Dyson and Lauren vying for her attention). The party is in full swing (including a Choga, apparently someone with narcotic secretions you’re supposed to lick). And Dyson and Lauren plotting upstairs – Lauren’s found a box in the dark archives addressed to Bo in Bo’s handwriting – and no, we don’t get to see what’s in it but Dyson thinks they shouldn’t show her it. Wow, is that not the ultimate agency cross? Refusing to let Bo give herself a gift!

And Vex drops in to… well, be Vex. And Bo goes down to the party to throw her own little pity party because everyone is not basking in her glory (as she unloads to an old man for some reason) before Tamsin arrives, apologises to Bo then kisses her (there you go Bo, one of your worshippers are back) before telling Bo she’s not going to remember anything in 2 seconds

And she wakes up in the car again, gasping “what the f...” (no, that’s the TV show’s prudishness not me. Seriously, we can see Vex cut his hand off but “fuck” is too racy?)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH btw for the inevitable groundhogness

We go back into the party and everything is how it was before (of course) except Tamsin cuts it a little short, pointing out what everyone is going to do (throwing in a transphobic “ladyboy” in there for no damn good reason) showing that Tamsin has been riding the groundhog loop a few times and we were mercifully spared it. Bo protests that Tamsin should have told someone – a suggestion she treats with the contempt it deserves since no-one remembers what she said when the night resets – until Bo anyway.

Tempest Unleashed (Tempest Series #2) by Tracy Deebs

Tempest is not setting in well as the merfolk’s saviour. She misses her home, she misses her family and, most guilt causing of all, she misses Matt, her human ex-boyfriend. Something she hopes to keep from Kona, her Selkie current boyfriend – and a prince no less.

To make matters worse, she and Hailaine, merQueen, keep butting heads and can’t seem to agree with anything, least of all the many many things that Hailaine thinks she needs to learn.

But Tiamat is still out there and still plotting to take down both Kingdoms and dominate the Pacific – and Tempest doesn’t feel even close to ready to face her.

I protest most strongly to the name of this book.

Tempest Unleashed is a terrible description of the events recounted within. I propose a better title: Tempest Mopes. Or maybe Tempest Monologues. Or Tempest Naval Gazes.

For much of this book not much happens and there isn’t much pretence of a plot. We open with Tempest worrying about her human family (somewhat reasonable) who she had to abandon. Which quickly turns into worrying about Matt, which turns into worrying about Kona because blah blah love triangle, blah. She doesn’t get on with the merQueen because REASONS (more on this later) and this causes more musings. Then musings about whether she and Kona can ever be together.

New character Sabyn shows up to train her, he flirts with Tempest, he and Kona don’t get on, Tempest spends pages talking about this. There’s lots and lots of conflict with Kona over boyfriend issues.

Tiamat is in the background doing bad evil stuff which everyone talks about… but doesn’t do anything about.

An event eventually drives Tempest back to land where she… sits around and has lots of angsty arguments and discussions. I don’t think there’s much else she could have done in the situation, but it adds on to the general inaction that permeates this book to be incredibly frustrating. It would have probably helped a lot to see Tempest more deeply involved in training, seeing what she learned etc. Or maybe her spending more time with the merQueen, learning what’s happening in the realm, how they’re resisting Tiamat, training, making plans etc – at least then there would have been some actual concrete action taken by Tempest in the face of the overwhelming threat

Instead we had pages and pages of discussion, arguments and moping, discussion argument moping over and over again – I reached over half way and realised that absolutely nothing had actually happened in the book.

Finally the action hits, Tempest swims off, pulls a super power out of her arse and TA-DA day is saved. Does that count as a spoiler? Because, really, it’s pretty weak.

Lost Girl, Season 4, Episode 7: La Fae Époque

After Dyson was taken by the Una Mens last episode for the terrible crime of sleeping with Bo (therefore fraternising across Light/Dark lines), Bo and Kenzie kidnap a monk and drag him to Hale at the police station to question

Questioning is normally pretty easy for Bo, a little succubus zing and it’s all done. Except this monk is immune – he’s a eunuch. Thankfully, he also folds really easily when Hale threatens to use his siren-ness on him. There’s not going to be a trial – Dyson is going to be executed for treason since in 1899 he killed humans and fae in cold blood.

1899? Wow, and I thought out local courts had a backlog.

Kenzi and Bo are convinced it’s all a terrible lie and the monk commits magical suicide (what? After he’s told them everything that’s useful? Convenient little prisoner isn’t he?)

At the Una Mens, they execute the scavenger who was helping Bo find Vex, while Dyson looks on all grim. That’s just in case you forgot how scary they are. Are we reminded? Yes? Good.

Bo calls in Lauren to help and is a little surprised that Lauren agrees – though Lauren sharply points out Dyson is family and being Dark doesn’t change that, also she gets cool toys for being Dark (she doesn’t ask, or explain, she takes unlike with the Light).Anyway, Lauren’s wiring Bo up to an oracle, Cassie (Casandra the oracle? Really?) so they can look into Dyson’s memory and prove his innocence. Cassie throws in some snark about the hole in Bo’s memory and how she once thought Bo, the unaligned succubus, would save them all – apparently not. One scary red string of fate later (which is supposed to be risky) and Bo will be transported into Dyson’s mind, though characters form his past will be replaced by people Bo knows because of subconscious and so they don’t have to get a whole new cast of actors. When Cassie appears, it’s time to leave or be brain fried. Simples!

Meanwhile, Kenzi, masquerading as  someone cleaning Dyson, ties the other end of the string around his ankle, creating the connection.

Bo wakes in Dyson’s memories, in a French speaking place, naked between 2 women with an angry man banging on the door. Since she’s filling in as Dyson, she shifts to a wolf and escapes through the wall. Checking herself in the reflection in a mirror, Bo sees Dyson staring back at her – just in case the wolf shifting hadn’t made it clear she’s playing Dyson in his memories. No more time for gazing at herself as she’s chased down by the man (the father of the two women she was with) and is cornered and held at gun point before Trick (or whoever Trick is playing) saves her with a staff.

She follows him to sanctuary but is quite happy to play the rogue and has no real wish to play good and turns to leave but he brings up the Hellscore (I’ve rewound it a thousand times and I’m sure he calls them hell shoes… anyway, satanic footwear or not, it’s a special Macguffin sought by all, including the Wanderer). They can only be worn by a worthy hero (hey, maybe they are demon footwear!) and rumour has it they’ve been found and they’re going to be sold and Dyson/Bo (I’m just going to go with Bo because it’s shorter) has to get them back. Also, this person doesn’t just look like Trick but apparently is Trick. Or her subconscious is translating names as well (which means the writers didn’t bother to make up actual names which would be really sloppy).

Dracula, Season 1, Episode 7: Servant to Two Masters

Grayson, Kowalski and their minions fiddle with engineer electric stuff – but Van Helsing has a more fleshy concern – exactly how long has it been since Grayson actually fed? Grayson dodges the question and refuses to answer so I’m going to put that down as “faaar too long.” The experiment appears to be a success and Grayson is confident the Ordo Draco will be well and truly screwed.

Returning to his office, Grayson finds a mopey Jonathon who is all angst ridden because he’s ruined the reputation of the innocent General Shaw (possibly all manipulated by Grayson because messing with Jonathon’s brain is funsies). Grayson says, not very convincingly “who would do such a thing?!” and even Jonathon realises that it was Grayson himself. Grayson stops trying to defend himself and just dismisses poor General Shaw as collateral damage while Jonathon is suitably outraged and intends to expose… himself… for doing it all on his own… with Grayson expressly forbidding him!

Well, damn.

Realising how trapped he is, Jonathon falls into line. Good boy.

Meanwhile the Ordo Draco are all huffy that Grayson is showing off his device again and have decided to go on the offensive rather than reacting all the time – which requires their man in Scotland Yard. And calling in Jonathon.

Back at Grayson’s, Renfield is sent to Budapest to acquire the triptych (apparently a family heirloom of Grayson’s family that means a lot to him) and we again see Grayson’s concern for Renfield – offering bodyguards though Renfield is confident he can protect himself. Grayson also tops up his sunlight immunity which Van Helsing has extended to 4 hours now; Van Helsing presses him about the whole not feeding thing. It seems Grayson has decided that the anti-sunlight treatment has removed his hunger as well! Yay! Van Helsing is less sure.

Grayson heads off on his happy sunlit stroll so he can stalk Mina some more – seriously his constantly just hanging out places he knows she will be (and even knowing her routine sufficiently to point out she is 5 minutes early) is so ridiculously creepy that it’s almost laughable that Grayson would consider it seductive. They talk oh-so-progressively about Bethlem and how the inmates would be much better off dancing before some heavy let’s-all-ignore-this flirting from Grayson. He’s not even subtle about it

On from one stalking victim to visiting Lady Jane, commenting on her butler’s performance with the cook (most vigorous) before getting down to some vigorous fun of their own. After which, Lady Jane shares her little quandary – her husband in the country is having an affair with his nurse. Not particularly concerning, given the givens, but he is claiming to love her and is being quite foolishly brazen about the whole thing – most unseemly. Grayson advises her to get back at him (since she can’t shame him directly without risking her own reputation) but targeting the woman he’s fallen in love with.

Grimm, Season 3, Episode 9: Red Menace

“To kill Koschei the Deathless,

first you must find his soul,

which is hidden in an egg

in a duck in a lead chest

buried beneath an oak tree”

And that sounds like waaaaay too much effort. Let’s just embed him in concrete instead. But that’s just me.

Starting with a bait and switch, a girl jogging things she’s being followed by someone sinister – but it’s just Nick out for his morning run – and his weird super-duper-zombie-fitness.

More grim, Juliette’s friend Alesha calls her, in tears. Her husband Joe is abusive and she has decided to leave him – Juliette tells her to come stay with them, to get in the car and come now, though Alesha is afraid of what he’ll do. They hang up as Nick comes in – Juliette noticing that despite him running he isn’t even sweating – behold the zombieness! Nick offers to help with Alesha, reporting the abuse to the police, but they wait for Alesha to make that decision and of course she can stay – though she really needs to ensure Joe doesn’t find out where she is. Good solid advice.

And in Vienna, Adalind meets with Renard – under the watchful eyes of Miesner. After some brief talk about Adalind being spied on (“who’s spying on me?” “Who’s paying your hotel bills?” he could have added “well DUH” on the end to make it really clear how silly the question is). He tells her he knows she’s pregnant with a royal child, but she refuses to answer whether Renard is the father or not. Renard leaves with a parting shot – she’s going to need a friend soon, because everyone is very interested in the baby. In Adalind? Not so much.

We switch to a man with glowing green eyes and wesen-clawed fingers holding his hands around the head of a young woman. She’s in pain and desperate – and her head wrap suggests maybe she’s lost her hair in chemotherapy. His eyes glow and he staggers back, exhausted, but he assures her that her pain will end in a few hours or days – she offers to pay but he just wants her to live a long life. A wesen healer it seems.

And switch to another new guy being melodramatic on a phone. He and his fellows are going to “pay someone back” and it doesn’t sound like debt collection.

The healer, Boris, is much recovered by the evening and he and his companions are partying happily (his wife, Olga, seems less than joyful), hosted the owner of a restaurant. There’s lots of praise for Boris that he’s all very modest and thankful for – but when he gets the chance he heads to the bathroom, clearly not feeling his best. There, he is attacked by the melodramatic revenge guy – and Boris can certainly look after himself. After disarming the attacker, he then woges, his face becoming desiccated and skull-like and covered in green energy, before throwing the attacker out of the window. The man survives the fall, but has Boris’s hand prints on his arms – he staggers away but the prints seem to grow – which, by his scream, I’m assuming is a bad thing.

He manages to make it home and start to call someone – but the nasty infection has now covered his hands and he collapses. Ewwww, I think I prefer Wesen who kill with claws. It’s less oozy.

Back to Nick and Juliette, Alesha eventually arrives at Juliette and Nick’s house, after Juliette panics because she doesn’t answer her phone. They invite her in and rally round her, offering comfort and strength. And as Alesha cries she woges – she’s a fuchsbau.

Catch up with Hank in physiotherapy (for his hurt leg) who is sad his sessions are coming to a close and asks his physiotherapist on a date. Alas, she’s too professional to date clients.

Check that whiplash – next scene, a woman finds a body in a giant restaurant freezer; and Nick goes to work to find Renard has returned. After some brief catch ups and Nick being semi-uncomfortable with Renard “handling indiscretions” over there, Hank brings them news of the iced body.