The Returned, Season 1, Episode 3: Julie

Start 7 years ago – with Catwoman! Complete with grossly impractical heels, leaving the party. Much to Batman’s dismay because she (it’s a woman in the Batman costume) can’t convince Catwoman to stay a little longer. After a couple of kisses, Catwoman insists (though I have to agree with Batman – and not just because arguing with Batman is never a good idea – 3 hours sleep is pointless, you may as well all night it at that point).  Alas, Batman is left alone,  and Catwoman, Julie, is off home.

She walks home through the underpass – the one where we saw the man in a hoody (Serge I think) attack Lucy in the present. And as she walks down it a man in a hoody appears walking the other way – he grabs her and stabs her repeatedly in the stomach while whispering reassurance. Just as he did with Lucy. This would explain Julie’s stomach scars.

To the present with Julie, this time leaving Mr. Costa’s funeral accompanied by her very very annoying neighbour. I’d suggest murdering her but death doesn’t seem to stick in this place. And the priest greets the police – Laure and Thomas and compliments Thomas on how wonderful and radiant his fiancée, Adèle looks. Whut? Adèle, it’s a funeral – this is not a place to look radiant! Now is the time for sombre or at least politely bored. Pierre greets Adèle before seeing Claire and Léna (Camille stayed at home – after all it’s not good manners to bring your own dead to a funeral. It’s rather upstaging things). Claire tells him Léna thinks she met another Returning dead person – Simon – and if there are others then Camille doesn’t have to hide (until the zombies take over, then everyone has to hide). Pierre has some random, vague cautions and platitudes that Léna has no time for – I gather she isn’t his biggest fan

You know what this scene is? It’s a test to see if you remember all ten squillion characters.

The priest starts his sermon, Léna and Frédéric (whose name exists solely to test my ability to find accents on my keyboard, I’m sure) make lots of meaningful eye contact. Annoying, gossipy neighbour decides this is the perfect time to tell Julie about the brutal attack on Lucy (because in the middle of a funeral sermon is the perfect time for gossip). Of course, this rather upsets Julie who flees the funeral, not answering the neighbour, watched by Laure.

The priest concludes his sermon with the assurance that Mr. Costas will be reunited with his wife Vivienne (ha!) who died young – despite the fact Mr. Costas didn’t believe that. Now that’s just rude and in bad taste – you bury a guy and get a priest in to call his religious beliefs wrong? I’m sure that can’t count as good manners.

Away from the funeral – to the Seguret home where Camille begs a cigarette off Jérôme, yes giving ciggies is wrong but she archly asks if he thinks she’ll get cancer. See, upside of being the walking dead! Camille, not being a fool, also asks Jérôme (her father) if he is separated from Claire (her mother). After a brief attempt at lying he says they have been for 2 years – after the accident that killed Camille he became “out of control”. He says how hard it was – particularly on Léna and Camille says she knows – she’s lost a sister as well. Ouch

To underline that, when Léna and Claire return from the funeral, she takes one look at Camille in the kitchen and leaves to her room. Camille follows her and Léna invites her in while she changes. Camille picks an awkward question – is Léna with Frédéric? She liked him and the only reason she didn’t go with him is because she promised Camille (not a promise she kept) – a promise Camille considered void once she died. Since this is all kinds of an awkward conversation to have with your young/twin returning-from-the-dead sister (let Ms. Manners cover THAT scenario!) Léna changes the subject to trying to find Simon. As Léna changes, Camille notices a scar on her back – she moves to touch it but Léna flinches away from her.

Jérôme talks to Claire and raises the possibility of moving away from the town, allowing Camille to live openly – and maybe helping their own relationship, but Claire dodges the issue (she still has her thing with Pierre). When driving Léna to college, Jérôme tells Léna about the plan – saying Claire agrees. Léna reacts as explosively – not happy to have her whole life uprooted for the zombie sister

In the ominous side-plot – the water level in the lake is still dropping rapidly and the dam workers now have robots examining the whole damn to see if there’s any breaks or leaks.

Simon’s still at the police station, interviewed by Bruno – who still want him to give his “real name” since Simon is, of course, dead. They plan to release him so long as he doesn’t leave town; though he can give them no address nor where he is staying. The police call Pierre to pick him up – I get the impression that Pierre is a do-gooder or maybe social worker who takes in waifs and strays.

Thomas, Laure and Alcide discuss the attack on Lucy and come up with nothing. With no other leads, Laure goes to talk to Julie since she was the first victim (and was dubbed “the aperitif” since he tried to eat her).

Julie’s in the bath and doesn’t hear the doorbell until Creepy Kid Victor touches her shoulder – she wraps a towel round herself, showing her scars again. Camille isn’t apparently welcoming at the door – it’s been a long time, apparently and Julie wants rid of her. Aha, Laure is Batman, Julie’s ex! Laure starts to ask about the inquiry but Julie’s more concerned with Laure not contacting her once, not once in 7 years since the attack. Laure says Julie didn’t want her to – and Julie shuts the door in her face.

Ouch, and you thought you’d be a good person to ask these questions Laure? Of course, all of this is watched by the Annoying Nosy Neighbour

Over to Pierre who has picked up Simon and is taking him to the shelter he runs, Helping Hands. Simon asks Pierre about Adèle and gets the full story of his death – Adèle’s fiancé (Simon) died on her wedding day, hit by a car. Pierre asks questions and Simon asks to be let out of the car – walking away.

In the Seguret household, Claire finds something fuzzy and dead in the bin – crawling with flies and finds Camille wearing Léna’s clothes and asking to go out.

An officer shows the CCTV footage they have of Lucy walking home to Thomas, and they see a man in a hoody at the scene. Astonishingly, French television seems to be immune to the magical CSI powers that you see in the US and, despite being able to zoom and lighten the picture, they can’t turn random pixels into a perfectly rendered image of the attacker, using the convoluted reflection in a puddle or something. I’m actually impressed! No magical image enhancing software! This is unheard of.

Fangs for the Fantasy: Update

We'd like to thank everyone for their good wishes and hopes for Renee last week, we appreciate that people are thinking of her and wishing her well.

Renee will still have to take some time healing (and climbing the walls from boredom as well), but I promise to entertain her with my huge stash of many many Canadian jokes. I'm sure she'll appreciate it (and if she doesn't the Atlantic is far too wide for her to stop me :P)

In terms of Fangs, we continue to try and hold the fort as well as we can. We hope to be getting back to our regular podcasts in 3 weeks (or as soon as we can). We hope to keep up with our books and shows but, again, it's possible some may not be on the days you expect though we'll try to avoid that. There may be a few more tumbleweeds on out Twitter than usual but we'll try and keep talking to all our tweepies.

Thanks again guys and keep coming back for more updates :)

Warehouse 13, Season 4, Episode 17: What Matters Most

In Marlin, Ohio, Terry Chambers, a district attorney is collecting his post when he suddenly seizes up in incredible pain, gasps that he’s burning up while the veins on his face stand out bright red. Then he collapses – and dies.

And at the Guesthouse, Artie tells this to Myka, complete with him not having eaten anything or have any injection sites. Cause of death? Muscle paralysis, heart attack and his lungs collapsed. Overkill much? Pete is absent because of his yearly physical so Myka’s off to catch the flight on her own

Abigail has cooked something delicious and Jinks and Artie follow their noses; Abigail has gone out and bought scones. And she’s not above bribing people into doing the dishes to share those scones. Which is when Claudia arrives and Artie makes a move on the scones by revealing a ping – a teenager went into a fugue state and started grafitting advanced maths. And Claudia realises she has become jaded. She is happy to go though because the alternative is flushing out the neutraliser. Apparently unpleasant

Which makes Steve offering to stay seem awfully suspicious. So it’s Claudia and Artie into the field.

Pete and Myka arrive in Ohio – and Pete is using hand-grippers while driving (with Pete worried about his grip strength, of course Myka has to make a joke of that). They enter a gated community (with the gate guard fawning over the secret service) and enter an ultra-creepy neighbourhood that looks like, as Pete puts it, a 50s TV show. Complete with officious man, Colonel Castle, in a golf buggy demanding they move their car – and not at all impressed with their badges.

This makes Pete blow up rather excessively – even if his “gated communities, for when you miss boot camp” is a good line. Myka wants to know what’s up; after his physical that morning the doctor said his testosterone levels were low. The doctor said it was fine, but he googled it and, of course, the internet predicted lots of doom – including… erectile dysfunction.

Random passing woman adds to the freaky 50s feel of the place and adds some gossip: apparently the dead DA forgot to park his car in his garage and someone broke his windshield. I think it speaks volumes for how well and truly bored out of their skull someone is that this counts as juicy gossip.

Time to talk to Roger (who insists on shortening his name. But then, if you’re called Roger you can’t be blamed for doing everything you can to avoid such a cruel fate), the DA’s stepson. Who is kind of creepily enthusiastic about, well, everything. He knows little about the broken window or any threats against the DA (who probably made some enemies since he earned the nickname “DA gaschamber”). And on that note – they get the forensics report – the chemicals in DA Henry’s blood are used in lethal injections. That’s a lead for Myka to follow up

Pete’s lead is the ambulance that just arrived, sirens screaming. Flashing his badge and tagging along, they enter a house to find a man and a woman stuck together – the flesh of their bare torsos melded together. Spencer is the son of the people who own the house (they’re on holiday) and they were working, just working, honest. And don’t pay attention to the lube being kicked under the sofa. The only connection they have with the DA is that the woman’s recently fired husband, Gerry LaBelle used to work for him. Looks like Gerry has revenge motive against all 3 victims.

Time to see Gerry; they find him in his garage and ask him about DA Henry Chambers. And Gerry responds by taking a swing at Pete. Which goes poorly for him. Taking this as a very big sign of guilt they ask him how he poisoned the DA – which confuses him since all he did was smash his windshield. Oh and he’s properly shocked that his wife is cheating on him; he didn’t know. Too early in the show for such an obvious suspect

Then the security guard spontaneously catches fire. With green fire no less. Pete smothers it with a blanket. And then he catches fire again – Myka moves in with a fire extinguisher. The guy doesn’t look healthy.

Cut to loading the man in an ambulance – he’s alive, for now. And they need to speak to someone who knows everything about the gated community in the hope of finding a new lead – time to interview creepy gossipy lady, Janice. Pete steals cookies while Myka asks about the security guard, Rex – who was apparently a loner with little contact with the other victims – but his house did burn down (yes with fire), 3 months ago.

Pete and Myka go to where Rex is staying to try and find some connection with the other victims but on entering Pete notices that all of Rex’s expensive electronics had been miraculously saved from his house fire. Looking at an arson report, it seems that boric acid was found in Rex’s power outlets – which burns green. Just like the flames that burned Rex. They hit on the blatantly obvious cause and effect artefact. The execution-happy DA who may have been unethical dies from lethal injection. The adulterers are melded together. The arsonist burns. So they need someone who is particularly obsessive about rules and morality – and come up with Colonel Castle who yelled at them for how they parked their car.

To his house where Myka picks the lock when the colonel doesn’t answer. Inside they find a room with orange smoke billowing out from under it – inside the colonel is choking on the floor. They call 911 and drag him outside, him still coughing up orange smoke. As the colonel chokes he says “someone knows” and tells them how in Kuwait he and his men were outnumbered in a village and they responded by gassing the whole town, killing them all in their sleep.

Calling on Abigail and Jinks for research, they’ve dug up sin related objects. All they found were suspected artefacts from Sodom and Gomorrah, objects that were crusted in salt (from the salt dunes around the city that made it so wealthy). The only connection they find between the victims is that all of them, except Rex, are on the board of the gated community. That leaves Myka to read through the minutes of the council meetings while Pete goes and checks the last unaffected board member.

He breaks down the door to the house – for extra testosterone insecurity – and Myka calls with a reason from the minutes. Janice (the creepy gossipy woman) has had her proposal for a bust of her late husband, the founder of the gated community, rejected for the 3^rd time – with Rex speaking against it. And Myka has a flashback to all the locations they’ve been – where there were chocolate cookies in each one (this is a moment when watching the show you kick yourself for not noticing that!) Janice’s cookies that contain salt – the Artefact from Sodom wasn’t covered in salt, it was the salt. And Pete ate the cookies

Defiance, Season 1, Episode 10: If I Ever Leave This World Alive

We return to Defiance – in the midst of a plague. While life tries to continue as normal, Alak on his radio from the arch gives out information. It’s the Irath flu, humans and Irathients can carry the plague but only humans die from it – and it’s spread by skin contact. He warns everyone to buy gloves – but the masks do nothing (much to the annoyance of a Castithan selling masks who turns off the radio and continues to peddle them). If people feel ill he tells them to go to a triage tent

Which is where Amanda, Nolan and Dr. Yewll are; there’s a large number in the tent that shocks Amanda. Yewll has the numbers – 6 dead, 21 sick. Dr. Yewll knows of a curse – after an outbreak in San Francisco they developed an anti-viral – they have to wait for it to arrive, however.

As if that weren’t enough to worry about, Christie in the arch notices Earth Republic trucks approaching. Alak passes the message to Amanda – and she and Nolan go to see Connor (Earth Republic representative) in Need Want to give him menacing glares. Connor says that ERep is quarantining Defiance, preventing the disease from spreading East to the Republic. Connor says ERep is quite happy to see every human in Defiance die – including him – so they can then roll in and take the mines.

And, yes, Connor is rather drunk. Nolan discusses how they can break the quarantine, but Amanda can’t say they’re wrong – ERep has good reason not to want to spread the plague across North America. Amanda holds on to hope. Connor wants to get drunk and suggests Nolan does the same

Out on the street a group of Castithan are throwing rocks at a group of Irathient Spirit Riders – calling them dirty and filthy (why would the Castithans be so upset? They’re immune and can’t carry it. This would make more sense with humans). Irisa breaks it up before the Irathients respond with lethal weapons – and chases the Castithans into their homes by threatening to bite them. She then greets the Spirit Riders (friends of hers) who have come for food and medicine – but now they can’t leave because of the quarantine. An Irathient woman who acts as some kind of priest fears the humans will blame them and asks Irisa to pray with them

I like how much Irisa has grown, the slow distance between her and Nolan while her finding a new family with the Irathient – it shows her in both worlds and making a place for herself in both; and it doesn’t take much to show it, just little scenes like this.

At the town council, the numbers have been updated to 16 dead and 30 ill. One Councillor fears they won’t survive the quarantine and Rafe shifts the blame to the Irathients despite, as Amanda points out, humans also being carriers. Datak also blames the Irathients – and shows the prejudice the Castithans have against the Irathients that explains the earlier attacks – he believes that Irathients often carry disease but rarely get sick from illness themselves (something his fellow Castithan agrees on but Amanda disputes). He says other Votans see Irathients as plague carriers – which he agrees is partly bigotry but has a root of truth to it; and it’s why Irathients keep to themselves and why Castithan shun them. For once, Rafe agrees with Datak; and proposes forcibly quarantining Irathients in the mines. Amanda points out Irathients and humans have been asked to stay inside – but Rafe is contemptuous of the Irathients following orders: with the Castithans supporting him. Amanda reminds them how tense things have been with the Irathients and how they could be facing another armed uprising – but the spineless human Councillors make excuses how it’s “keeping them safe” from bigots to lock the Irathients up. When it goes to the vote, only Amanda votes against interring the Irathients.

Irisa and the Spirit Riders are praying on a rooftop when Rafe and an armed group of humans arrive. Rafe climbs up and tries to get Irisa and the others to surrender – but she’s not buying his crap and won’t be locked up like an animal – she pushes him down and tells the Spirit Riders to run and gather the Irathients while she slows the humans down. She fights them until she’s finally overwhelmed.

As they drag Irisa into a truck, Nolan arrives, with Amanda, and draws a gun at the man holding her who draws a gun of his own. Apparently Rafe was supposed to let Amanda tell Nolan before acting – of course Rafe had to push it. Amanda tries to talk Nolan down – again playing the “Irathients are safer locked up” card. Amanda tells Irisa to say she’s ok – Irisa doesn’t, but she says she doesn’t like the odds and to put the gun away.

Going to the Lawkeeper’s office, Nolan grabs several guns saying Irisa will know he’s coming for her – Amanda tries to talk him down again, saying he’s sweating (implying he has the disease) and that it’s just guilt over Sukar (and, hey, she voted against – so she’s done her bit when it comes to mass interment). Their argument is cut short by Yewll arriving with a message – San Francisco has sent the cure. But the drop is outside the quarantine.

To Need Want to wake up the drunk Connor so he can get them through the quarantine – well him and Nolan. Amanda nearly falls, dizzy, probably early stages of the disease.

Qunetin walks to the diner, past Irathients being rounded up and impounded, to meet with Nicky and her evil plotting. Yes, he’s taking Nicky’s bait and asking about his mother. She tells him that his mother, Pilar, is alive not dead as Rafe said, and she’ll tell him where to find her if he brings the gold artefact.

Being the trusting fool he is, he goes home and gets the artefact. Even his hallucination of his dead brother Luke thinks this is a bad idea.

The Irathient are locked up in cages in the mines – and one of them believes they’re going to die, killed with chlorine gas as the Castithans did to Irathients in the past. Defiance – you’re crossing the line from parallels to outright appropriation again.

Rafe, Quentin Atak, Datak and Stahma go to the hospital tent – Christie has the disease. Stahma urges Rafe and Quentin to leave since they’re healthy and it’s dangerous. There’s no pain medicine left, but Datak has a stash of old opiates and gives one to Christie. Christie talks about meeting her mother – and Amanda is brought in on a stretcher, unconscious and bleeding from the nose.

In the badlands, Nolan and Connor drive to find the cure – Nolan sweating and looking awful and asking Connor about his military service and how long he was with Amanda (3 years). Unknown side effect of the illness – gossip. Turns out Amanda got pregnant, Connor was ready to raise a family (though scared about the new world), Amanda wasn’t and had an abortion; and they broke up.

At the quarantine they meet Colonel Marsh, the commanding officer – and with him is evil ERep representative Olfin Tennety. They won’t let them past to get medicine and Olfin offers to get it – Nolan nixes that plan, not trusting her. Nolan invokes the 6,000 deaths (human population of Defiance) that will be on the Colonel’s head – and adds that they’ll have no chance of any kind of alliance with Defiance if they prevent medicine reaching the sick (they could move in anyway, as Connor said). Olfin tries to get Nolan shot, but the colonel overrules her and lets him collect the meds.

Defiance is eerily empty, as more and more humans fall ill and others die. And Stahma, not missing a trick, pushes the ill Amanda to put Datak in charge while she’s ill, since Castithan are immune and offer stability. Amanda’s not hearing it – Rafe is senior he will be interim mayor. Because Rafe is better?

World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks

 

It's now ten years since the world was almost destroyed by zombies and Max Brooks has determined that the stories of the survivors must be told for the benefit of future generation. The zombie war was almost an extinction moment for humans, as they found all of the military tactics they had developed didn't work on zacks. The technology we expected to ensure our superiority was absolutely useless.

Patient zero was Chinese and the disease spread to the uninfected to the west through the use of illegal organ transplant.  It was believed at first that people were suffering from a form of rabies and a vaccine was created, giving people a false sense of safety.   Government corruption and bureaucracy  meant that many died, who did not have to die.  People seeking to make profit in the face of disaster, caused the infection to spread even faster, as they illegally transported infected peoples across borders. The only country which reacted quickly was Israel and by being the first to shut their borders, actively worked to protect their citizens. 

I must admit that I chose to read this book because of the movie by the same title, which is set to be released in June of this year.  From the clips, I expected an action book and that is far from what  World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War is about.  It is a story about desperation, government corruption, families, the military, the environment and most importantly the human spirit and our drive to survive. Brooks makes the story of this zombie war international, which is absolutely unique in this genre.  Most zombies books speak about an infection breaking out in the U.S. or one country, leaving the reader with no idea of what is happening in the rest of the world. 

Unlike other books in this genre, there really is no protagonist in this story.  Every 3-4 pages, Brooks moves onto a new account of the zombie war. This means that the readers must invest in the setting itself, rather than the characters. It is helped by the fact that World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War is a global account and therefore the experiences continue to vary and are based on the world's various cultures.  For instance, residents of the U.K. didn't have guns to protect themselves because of their strict gun control laws and so broke into museums and stole medieval weapons.  Her Maj stayed in London and opened Windsor castle to survivors.  The North Koreans simply disappeared below ground, while Cuba moved quickly to eradicate the danger on the Island and opened its doors to Americans fleeing the danger.  

Dead Like Me Season 1, Episode 5: Reaping Havoc

Begin with a brief flashback of how Betty died – jumping off a cliff, before hitting the present hard, in the Waffle House, with George still finding Rube mad at her and telling her not to meddle with fate. Even angry he tries to be nice to her – and she heads off to her work with the sudden realisation that she has no friends – only co-workers.

She briefly considers Delores for the role – but then we’re all reminded how very very very annoying she is. Delores questions also required George to invent a jet pilot brother for “Millie” (I would have gone for only child myself) and suddenly being dragged along to a scrap booking meeting. As George puts it, the lengths she goes to for free food. Delores shows off her work related scrap book which promises to be a read several times worse than anything we’ve DNFed. George contemplates her own work related scrapbook – body parts and bones and mementos of terrible accidents! Yay!

What is scrapbooking? And how is it a social activity? Do people actually do this? Really? Do they come with warning signs?

To the Waffle House to spend time with Betty, talking about guys, cheese and how she thinks George is beautiful – definitely friend potential. Oh and they’re sharing a table with a very confused complete stranger  - who is actually dead and doesn’t quite realise it yet (they’ll get to that once George finishes telling Betty about her fictional brother)  and George remarks on how alive Betty is – for the undead.

Back Betty’s her actual life – and death – being reaped by Rube after that jump which she did for the thrill – and isn’t impressed by her boyfriend not joining her. She extolls the joy of jumping to Rube, the will and courage it takes and plans to do it again – then sees her body floating downstream. And we learn that Betty takes polaroids of every soul she reaps and sorts them into sacks – her signature.

To the Waffle House with George wondering about order and Betty preparing to go “shopping” – which means lots of items for removing tags. And Mason arrives with news about a dust storm in China and an awful comment about “yellow people” that makes even cynical George speak up. They quickly divert to foreign travel and Betty tells a wonderful tale of how she went to terrible devastating volcanoes alongside sandy beaches. Rube suggests taking George to the next running of the bulls.

Much as I loathe Mason’s comment, I do like the casual way they’re referring to death in the conversation. Is it insensitive? Sure – but how jaded would these people be by now? They get their appointments, George and Mason snipe about the fruit and Betty calls Rube an asshole for the way he treats George (since she’s a kid). I do love their banter.

Mason goes on a job reaps an old woman’s soul then has tea with her ghost listening to her memories (and she won’t let him use her cup – that’s her cup, she has other cups for guests). She’s definitely a character, refuses to let him call anyone because if it takes them a while to find her that’s their fault for not checking on her more often. And leave the door open – if the coyotes eat her it’ll make her kids feel terrible! Mason starts looking for valuables and even he comments on her racism.

Yeah – what is this, random racist comments for shits and giggles so people can call them out? What’s the point? It doesn’t even serve as a way of dating them by showing supposed “archaic” language because they haven’t been living in a tomb.

Back to Betty and George – since Betty shows up at George’s with all her sacks and Betty talks about her aliases (see, she’s sensible, she goes for “only child” and how she changes them to stop people being suspicious and to shake things up). She also gets Betty’s cynically accurate assessment of people – and how she can so easily split them into bags – like the “reiterator people”, people who take other’s thoughts and personalities and convince themselves they’re their own – and there’s only so many personalities in the world; she’s met them all

And there’s a method to her actions – she’s brought the sacks to show George that people aren’t snowflakes. Oh and she needs more storage space. George takes the lesson with her to work and hopes it’s not true but can’t help but notice the common types among her colleagues and how everything you love or hate is loved or hated by a gazillion other people – each colleague she can picture going into one of Betty’s sacks.

That’s depressing, the dead old woman is much more fun – she’s teaching mason how to forge her signature on social security cheques. And Mason reassures her about crossing over, telling her what she will see (something bright and lit up –something wonderful tailored to her) while lamenting that he never got to see one – only other people’s

Alas we can’t remain with those fun folk because George is still stuck in Millie hell. Delores and Mike try to drag her to a social outing involving stationery and George dodges it by saying she’s celebrating being 1 month sober… Is George incapable of telling normal white lies? Delores, being Delores, gushes pride and admiration. And talks about her cocaine addiction. That’ll teach you George!

She’s rescued by Rube – well is rescued is the word – who Delores assumes is Millie’s sponsor. Delores praises Millie to the hills and back – which Rube has trouble believing (can’t think why) and they head out, joined by Betty who is obsessing over Crystal’s hair (don’t ask why, it’s Betty). As to why she’s really going to the park –it’s the Bowers’ family reunion and an M J Bowers is due to die. Given the number of Bowers, the surname and initials isn’t that helpful.

Especially since there is a difference between “an M J Bowers” and “The M J Bowers”.  Especially with several to choose from in various perilous situations.

Back to the Waffle House with Betty’s wonderful way with the dead and the dead MJ asking why they won’t deliver last messages (postage, it adds up) and George repeating her complaint that they’re not paid to Reap.

Back to work where George finds herself actually talking to Delores and wanting to do so – before heading to a bar with Betty (who makes a brief comment about being restless, unable to sit still) where there’s a drunken Irishman, a birthday party and dancing on the bar. Betty takes the happy man’s picture, with everyone around him laughing and clapping and George reaps his soul, touching his foot –before the mounted sword fish impales him.

Written-By-Numbers Drinking Game: Urban Fantasy

With yet more deja-vu assaulting us, it's time for another Written-by-Numbers drinking game!

And this week, it’s for Urban Fantasy. Grab your bottles, folks and prepare the stomach pumps (we are not responsible for any alcohol poisoning that may develop - in extreme cases you may want to drink non-alcoholic beverages or American beer))

The Protagonist - magic and work!: +1 drink if:

• She has super-duper woo-woo powers that are super special
• +1 drink for every element of them that is superduper rare
• +1 drink if she’s super-duper strong
• Empty the damn glass if she’s the only one with this power, ever
• Empty the damn bottle if there’s no explanation why she has this power

• She has magical powers she DOESN’T USE
• +1 drink if she’s afraid of them (+1 extra drink if it’s never explained why she should be)
• +1 drink if she thinks they’re evil (+1 extra drink it;s never explained why she does)
• +1 drink if she can’t control them
• Empty the damn glass if she just doesn’t use them for no apparent reason.

• She grows more powerful as the series progresses
• +1 drink she has leaps in power with no apparent reason or cause
• Empty the damn glass if the reason is “tried really hard in emotional stress”
• Empty the damn glass if she gains entirely new powers
• Refill the glass and empty again if these powers aren’t even closely related to her current powers
• Empty the damn bottle if she gains power so often it feels like levelling up in a computer game
• Raid the brewery and drink all the booze if it’s Anita Blake.

• She has a dark secret/hidden identity/curse (+1 drink per)

• She is a police detective or private investigator
• +1 drink if she has zero detective skills or experience
• +1 drink if she never does any actual investigation
• +1 drink if she hasn’t the slightest idea how the law works
• Empty the damn glass if the author has watched waaay too much CSI
• Empty the bottle if the “mystery” is solved by the bad guy attacking the protagonist

• Despite NOT being a police detective or private investigator, she still ends up investigating a crime
• Apply all the drinks above
• +1 drink if she hardly ever attends her real job
• Empty the damn glass if you forget she has a real job

BONUS DRINKS FOR TV SERIES: +1 drink for:

• Successfully “enhancing” CCTV images to see the impossible - like someone’s face reflected in a car mirror across a parking lot
• DNA results returned within the hour
• Hacking. Just hacking, because there’s no way in hell the depiction won’t be laughable.
• Warrants? Who needs warrants?!
• Or warrants - let’s go ask the judge, he hands them out like sweet sweet candy
• Aggressive interview with a lawyer present who sits there silently. Could save money and just have a cardboard cutout

One Silent Night (Dark Hunter Series #10, Dark Hunter World #17) by Sherrilyn Kenyon

Stryker, for reasons that don’t make sense to anyone, has decided he is finally going to bring down Acheron and Nick once and for all – by unleashing the very essence of War. A deity only the combined might of several pantheons – pantheons that are no longer complete – managed to defeat and imprison before.

Things do not go as planned.

Not least of which is the rise of old powers – powers older and greater than even War himself rising to make his mission difficult. And Artemis, rather annoyed with Stryker, sends her own assassin – Zephyra, the woman he wished to marry when he was 14, the woman he has spent 11,000 years missing, the woman he abandoned and a woman who most certainly wants him dead.

Almost completely certainly. Almost

This book failed terribly for me. Utterly and awfully – and it did it in many ways that are almost too long to list so I shall stick to the most annoying of them.

More than anything else, there is one fact that breaks this story for me. It’s a number: 11,000 years.

See, in the Dark hunter series just about everyone is older than god – and this has only become more pronounced as the series has possessed. At this stage mere 2,000 year old people are positive children! No, it’s 10 millennia or nothing!

The problem is absolutely no-one acts like it. In fact, most of them would be pressed to act like they’ve hit their 20s. Now I know there’s some backing to this in that the series is heavily based on Greek Mythology and there are few deities more inclined to childish, petulant overreactions than the Olympians (except, maybe, the Norse) but there’s a limit. It’s a problem that has been growing through the series and it really is the straw breaks the camel’s back on this one. Nick, in his mid-20s, acts no less mature than beings that have been around for literally longer than recorded human history (and he acts like a whiny child far too often).

So we come to the two main characters Stryker and Zephyra (which has to be shortened to Phyra for no damn reason than women needing to have a cutsey pet name to denote them as love interest). When they were 14 (yes uckies, but they rely on the history of the time to justify it) they were engaged to be married, briefly. But Stryker’s daddy said no (Apollo) and to marry the woman he chose. Stryker agreed because he eternally sought daddy’s approval and abandoned the pregnant Zephyra who was hellciously pissed.

That’s the history – fine. And from that we know that a) Stryker regrets leaving Zephyra, b) Styker has daddy issues (oh boy does he) and c) Zephyra hates Styker with the fiery passion of a thousand sons. Fine, I can sign off on all of that – if they were, say, still in their 20s. But they’re no, they’re 11,000 years old. 11,000. Eleven millennia. One hundred and ten centuries.

Zephyra has maintained her vast, all consuming hatred for her ex dumping her for 11,000 years. This is beyond restraining order territory. If you found someone still bitter and seeking the death of their ex 20 years after the break up you’d consider them to be a disturbed and frightening person. Yes he dumped her. Yes he was cruel. Yes it was tragic – but it was 11,000 years ago. Move on already. I can’t dredge up the slightest sympathy for someone who has managed to cling to burning hatred and sexual tension for 11,000 years

Much the same applies to Stryker “daddy likes my sisters more than me and said mean things!” Stryker, you are 11,000 years old. 11,000 years. By all means hate Apollo for the curse he has put on his people – but to run around looking for a pseudo-parental figure, apparently the source of his angst with both Acheron and Appolymi is ludicrous. I don’t care how mean your daddy was, when you are 11,000 years old it’s time to put on your big boy trousers and look beyond parental validation.

And the patronising way they treat their daughter is utterly ridiculous. That would be the same daughter they had aged 14 – meaning she is also 11,000 years old. At that age being 14 years older than someone hardly grants you even the slightest hint of parental authority – it’s ludicrous, it’s farcical and just adds to how much these characters fail to act anything remotely like their incredibly vast ages.

The second biggest break in the story for me is this series eternal power creep. When it began we had a wide world with one big, overwhelmingly terrifying horror lurking in the base – Appolymi, the Atlantean goddess of destruction who would cause an apocalypse if she was ever released. This was the big bad everything was terrified of. Then there was Acheron, her son, the Deus Ex Machinae who kind of drops in to unleash his awesome powers whenever a story needs resolving. Ok, I can work with that, both have limits by Acheron’s morality and Appolymi being stuck in hell. Then there were the Cthonians. And Savitar. And probably Jaden. And now there’s War, the Sephiroth and the Malachai.

The book is LITTERED with ridiculously over-powered stronger-than-all-the-gods characters. It doesn’t make the book more epic – because the writing doesn’t support the epic – there are no grand epic confrontations, there are no grand displays of epic powers, there is no real tension written in the book, no great scenes telling us what epic powers are about to clash – it’s just clogged with super powerful beings. The fight scenes were clumsy and distinctly unimpressive and it was pretty impressive that we had all of these uber-beings dancing around but there was no attempt to actually write them with any kind of interesting uber-powers. And the beings who HAVE had that epic established – Appolymi – now has bodyguards! Which really makes me question the previous books in the series when she was the thing to fear above all else.

Related to that we have moments were it seemed they were going to work on the epic – Zeus and all the Olympians gathering to stop War, an appearance by Hades and Ares and the Egyptian goddess Ma’at. We even had a moment where several of them, along with Artemis, were willing to go into battle and we never even saw it. You don’t even have to work to make these characters epic! They come pre-epicced! They have entire mythologies and belief systems behind them to make them epic.