A brief montage of Rebecca with baby Hope while Klaus extolls the duties of parenthood and how monumentally bad theirs were to Kol and Finn. Yes he wants his brothers to switch sides which strikes me as a monumentally bad idea since Finn doesn’t breathe without his mother’s position and Kol is so randomly violent that the only thing worse than him as an enemy is him as an ally. In a bit of a switch, Klaus is playing the friendly brother while Elijah would much rather be slicing and dicing his kin. Finn wants to know where Rebekah is because he’s sure she’ll be much more amenable to Esther’s offer of being human again. While he tells them Esther is hunting Rebekah, we cut to her starring in her own little Hitchcock movie with ominous, gathering birds.
Elijah bites Finn. Really Elijah, that’s shocking – it’s the fish course!
Klaus rather hilariously urges his big brother to get a grip when Rebekah calls to say she has a little bird problem. Klaus has to send Elijah to help Rebekah because he doesn’t trust the new, blood thirsty Elijah not to slice and dice their brothers into tasty bite-sized chunks.
Cut to Hayley, Jackson and Aiden and Aiden all concerned because unless they come up with a plan soon he’s going to be figured out as a mole and royally squished. Hayley is sure sweet reason will convince the pack, Aiden points out that moonlight rings are actually a bit better than rousing speeches and points out they have actually gone from swamp living exiles to now actually being able to live in the city – Jackson speaks over this tide of reason and orders Aiden to set up their sweet reason speech in a complete “how dare you question!” tone.
The peon dismissed, Hayley complains about Jackson’s day drinking (what does he think this is, Mystic Falls?). She goes through the now dead Ansel’s notes to give us some werewolf exposition: turns out every werewolf didn’t have every ability they all do now. Each pack had a separate power but then their alphas married and by the power of leader-humping, their packs shared the gifts. As more and more marriages happened, all werewolves got all the powers like some kind of fuzzy planeteers, but with more wolf humping; until the marriages became merely political for alliances since everyone already has all the shiny toys. She theorises that if she (alpha hybrid) marries Jackson (hybrid) she will give everyone the hybrid power of changing whenever they want – making them super-powerful (with their vamp killing bite) and not suffering all that moon agony (wouldn’t it technically make them all hybrids? As in vampires? This isn’t explained). Jackson points out that sham Vegas marriages won’t work here – Hayley and Jackson will have to be really properly married forever and ever. Hayley cancels the Elvis wolf.
Over to Camille who seems a little hungover after her little Esther experience. Clearly they hit the town, had a few tequila shots and now everything’s cool. Hayley calls her to meet up so they can check up on the by-your-powers-combined wolf-humping ritual and mainly so she can have relationship talk over whether she should marry Jackson. They also find some spooky black spots on her Camille’s back which isn’t very reassuring.
And to Davina, Marcel and Josh and Davina all worried because she fell asleep and left the White Oak Stake out for evil Original Vampires to steal (which was really really really ridiculously foolish - but this is Davina). Marcel reassures her that actually he kidnapped Kol and took the stake; Davina’s worried for poor “Caleb” and Marcel reminds her that he’s actually Kol since she seems to be having trouble remembering this. She’s sure she knows Kol better than everyone including people who knew him for decades, centuries even. Marcel gives Davina a massively condescending “it’s for your own good” speech before leaving her with his chief servant, Josh.
Alone Davina whines about Klaus being the source of all evil, Josh tells her to get in line and she, laughingly, says he seems to be doing ok (he’s in a strange city acting as lackey and in constant risk of death. How is this doing ok?) He tells her about Aiden (possibly giving her a minor heart attack in shock at the idea he actually has a life and role of his own) and she tells him to call Aiden over. He arrives, Aiden and Davina meet. Aiden and Josh talk about the upcoming meeting, with Josh advising Aiden to back up Jackson to lend him weight. They flirt and they kiss – and it’s a good kiss. They check on Davina but, silly them, they actually thought she cared about Josh and his life but was actually using it as a ploy to sneak out while Josh was distracted.
She goes to her little ritual room to produce a potion she then drinks
Over to Elijah in a diner waiting to meet Rebekah and ignoring Hayley’s calls when she’s clearly trying to check if they still have a thing or if she should go ahead with the Captain Werewolfhump ritual. Elijah’s having issues with spilled coffee and the dragged up memories Esther inflicted on him
Rebekah arrives with Hope and they have a cutesy reunion and Rebekah talks wistfully about being human and having a child as Elijah tells her about Esther’s offer. Uh-uh that’s not ideal. While Rebekah thinks on that she also notices something wrong – the diner is deserted and there are blood stains. Checking a back room she finds a big pile of bodies; Elijah’s had himself a little massacre.
Rebekah decides the best bet is to snap Elijah’s head while he’s distracted by the cute baby.
Hayley and Jackson have their little werewolf meeting where Hayley shows off her shapeshifting shininess and tells them all about the planned captain-werewolfhumping wedding. Amusingly, she hasn’t actually asked Jackson if he’s ok with this, nor does anyone realise they have a good chance of all becoming vampires. DETAILS! Aiden is the first to agree and throw away his ring.
When they’re alone, Jackson asks Hayley to marry her – Jack, she just gave a public declaration of your upcoming nuptials, asking’s kind of redundant, she just told you.
Kol isn’t a big fan of remaining a prisoner with Elijah being all agitated while Finn is confident he can manipulate things from the inside. Finn is rarely, if ever, right. Klaus and Marcel join them with Marcel pulling a parental “stay away from Davina” act on Kol. Klaus also brings out the torture threat which is kind of unnecessary since it was always implied.
Marcel gets to the whole torturing of Kol. Kol tries to make a deal and offer to work with Marcel to get his city back, but unlike Klaus Marcel is fully aware of what a ridiculous decision it would be to ally with Kol. Klaus decides to come in later and diagnose Kol with a big whack of family issues (though it doesn’t take an expert to realise that every Mikaelsson has family issues) and that Kol’s acting out is just a way to cry for attention. I kind of wish these thousand year old vampires didn’t all act like teenagers, just once.
Klaus continues to try and convince Finn that Esther is the worst thing ever. Finn tries to convince Klaus by saying how amazing Esther was to sacrifice Freya, their elder sister, her first born child and every descendent since then. Also revealing that Esther has technically sold Klaus to uber powerful evil witch Dalia. Quite how this is supposed to convince Klaus (or Finn!) that Esther is not irredeemably evil from that is beyond all imagining. Klaus is Not Impressed.
He tries to call Elijah to explain things when Davina arrives. While her attack is pretty useless, though she manages to thow Marcel across the room, Klaus does what every vampire on this show does when it’s convenient and DOESN’T just snap Davina’s neck (or rip out her heart or tear out her jugular or do one of the bazillion things he could do to kill her) – he bites her which is when her paralytic poison kicks in. She did this to free Kol (oh gods Davina, why. WHYYYYY?! It’s like the ONE member of that family MORE evil than Klaus?!) but Kol is now team!Klaus because there are Things Going On. Davina reels a little at the idea that there are Things happening in the world that are not about her. She says Klaus is the problem not Esther because she clearly knows better than everyone there when Camille shows up and points out she has been hexed by Esther (that’s the sound of you being wrong Davina. It’s possible it’s faded into white noise by now).
The spell on Camille is to prepare her to be a vessel for position. When Camille confronts Finn he says why she’s a perfect target for possession – and that she’s being prepared for Rebekah to possess. Marcel points out they need Klaus to take down Esther because he’s the Uber-Original but Davina is sure they can do it without him because she’s such a greater expert than all of them (white noise of wrongness hissing away there). Except she isn’t and everyone points this out so she has to un-paralyse Klaus. She tries to be smug, Klaus outsmugs her because he is the smug-master.
Nauseating scene between Kol and Davina where I’m expected to forget that Kol is 1,000 year old and Davina only 16 (mental age of a concussed lemming) and the fact Kol is an out of control serial killer. Klaus and Kol have beignets (which is kind of cute). Kol is sad!panda because his mother doesn’t love him, Klaus reminds him that she’s a monster, I try to remind them both they’re 1,000 years old and should get over their mummy issues – alas, they don’t hear me. Klaus also assures Kol he did try and avenge him (which is kinda, sorta true. Though he did give up on the Elena murdering awfully quickly. Alas.)
Rebekah calls Klaus to warn him that Elijah has had a little issue and there’s no way she can go into hiding avoiding Esther with Elijah spreading massacres around. Klaus gives her hurried instructions and loses patience – he has Finn locked in a coffin which is apparently something Finn is very afraid of. He then tells Hayley it’s time for a road trip.
Davina is the very definition of Spunky Agency. We should probably head up that article with her picture. People are always taking her choices away from her and making her decisions – but every time she’s left to her own devices she insists she knows better than people who have centuries more experience and continues to do things that are mind numbingly foolish that make me want to scream. This is the ultimate pernicious problem of the Spunky Agent – because her own decisions are so awful it acts as a justification for others to take those decisions from her.
I picture it something like this:
Davina: *eats paint*
Marcel: *treats Davina like a small child* Don’t eat paint, it’s bad for you.
Davina: I can make my own decisions! I know what’s good for me!
Marcel: uh… look, in my centuries of existence the general consensus has been that paint isn’t edible
Davina: *nom nom* toxic lead paint yummy *nom nom*
Marcel: That’s it, I’ve removed all paint for the building! It’s for your own good!
Davina: How dare you! Josh you must help me, everyone’s treating me like a helpless child!
Josh: Of course Mistress, how can I help?
Davina: Get me some paint…
I mean I want Davina to be able to make her own decisions and think it’s wrong for Marcel to put her in a box… but I’d also really like it if she’d stop snacking on the gloss.
Even if her plan for Klaus had worked – they drain him, dump him in the river and… what? A week later he’s back? Do you have a plan B there?
Points for Marcel’s “nobody cares for your opinion” to Kol.
Aiden and Josh – I love that they kissed, on TV, on the CW and on this show which has had such terrible records with LGBT characters. The problem is the kiss, and their “let’s glance at them once every 3 episodes” storyline is very reminiscent of Teen Wolf. You have the gay characters lurk in the background, once every few episodes they even share a scene, then they disappear because they’re not actually essential or integral to any plot line. It’s great that the walk on side LGBT characters have a relationship and kiss – I love that and I love that the usual tricks of low light and filming from the back of one of the character’s heads (tricks used in True Blood and Game of Thrones respectively to have same-sex kissing in as low key a way as possible) but it doesn’t change that they ARE walk on side characters.
So Esther sold one of her children for the ability to create more children. Not only did she sell Freyja, but she sold the first born of every one of her children since then – and she wants to turn her children back into fertile mortals? What kind of twisted sadist is she? And why would Finn assume this would convince ANYONE that Esther isn’t evil?
Y’know, the ability to change when they want is like the most minor of the hybrid power after super-duper healing and immortality.