Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Once Upon a Time, Season 6, Episode 15: A Wondrous Place

Ok, I know the whole concept of Once Upon a Time is a mash up of fairy tales, but this one is a stretch

So Killian is stuck on the Nautilus with his brother and captain Nemo and has now been teleported to a whole different realm – the Enchanted Forest as it turns out. To get back to Emma the Nautilis needs Kraken blood which they’re fresh out of so Killian leads them Kraken hunting

Which happens to lead them to Jasmine and Aladdin who are still looking for Agrabah after the wish she made with the genie transported them to the Enchanted Forest (for some reason) and apparently nowhere near Agrabah. Luckily it does have them rowing a small boat happily near a kraken attack so they can run into Killian who saves them – but in doing gets no Kraken blood.

So plan B is to find Jafar. Because Jafar is good at portals to other realms and is full of revenge and the Nautilis has a handy-dandy revenge-obsessed-person seeker. It’s all a little bit of a stretch

Time for a flashback to Jasmine in ye olden times of Agrabah. To save the city from Jafar, the Sultan decided he needed to marry Jasmine off to a prince with a big army: showing off the pricey diamond ring which would be her dowry (not to dis the bling, but she’s a princess and your dowry is a single ring?). Jasmine isn’t into being treated like a bauble for sale and makes it abundantly clear this isn’t happening

While Jafar also wants her to marry – him. Otherwise he will destroy Agrabah

While looking for an answer she runs into Ariel, a mermaid in the middle of a market in a desert city. She saves her from unknown consequences of stealing in the Agranah market. This is literally the only way Jasmine knows how to make friends: condoning theft in the market place.

Ok. Ariel’s here to look for Eric, a prince of a maritime city apparently on a trade mission to a desert city which is at best “not too far” from the coast. Ariel wants to connect with him for true love. While Jasmine wants to connect with him for his large navy

Which will help. This desert city. In the desert. Some distance from the sea. A navy. I think there’s been some inbreeding in this royal line.

So they go searching together on a magic carpet of terrible CGI and decide Eric (prince of a Maritime city) is camped with some of the trade caravans in the desert outside the city because what else would a seafaring nation do? It turns out this isn’t actually Eric, it’s Jafar in disguise and he repeats his demand for Jasmine to marry him or everyone dies.

Jasmine capitulates and hands over the dowry diamond – and then Jafar reveals he’s totally not into her and doesn’t really want to be Sultan. But the gem contains a super powerful ward protecting him from doing terribad things to the city and he can only break it by the gem being given up freely. Which she’s now done so he gets to disappear the city

And she gets to spend the rest of the episode describing what a terribad person she is and having Killian deal with her angst at being a terribad person and convince her she’s a hero.

Anyway in the present the gang are all taking a boat trip on the Nautilus to Jafar island when the Nautilis begins to sink from Kraken damage. They risk a wish to take them to the island (not to, say, repair the nautilus) then leave Nemo & crew to repair the sunken submarine before dismissing him now he’s served his purpose
And can we talk about this? Because Nemo appeared last episode to be nothing more than a shoulder to cry on for Killian and then be his taxi. Nemo calls himself captain but the minute Killian arrived he became a lackey – even being willing to risk his life, ship and crew in the name of Killian’s love life. Not ok, not ok at all.

On Jafar island is Ariel’s shack and her collection of junk and Ariel herself. There’s also a bottle contain Jafar – he’s been genied! But not really. He’s been imprisoned in the lamp and when they release him he’s absolutely free to send everyone to sleep but Jasmine so she can prove her heroness. Being a proper Villain, Jafar happily expositions how he’s imprisoned her entire city in the diamond she’s now carrying and how terribly screwed she is because he’s so evil and she’s so terribad muahahahahahaha. Thankfully he may be evil but he’s also clumsy and has totally dropped his jar of evil magic dust which Jasmine grabs and throws at him

This is dust turns him into a staff. Because what wizard doesn’t have a stash of magical turn-people-to-sticks powder? That’s totally useful guys! And low the day is saved in anti-climax and a whole lot of plot convolutedness and random mermaids.

This frees Jasmine to use her last wish to save her city but instead kisses Aladdin and we know that true love’s kiss cures curses…. Ok but she’s not exactly cursed. I mean the city’s cursed but not exactly her. Ok she’s not happy about it but I think the few thousand people trapped in the diamond may be the actual cursed people? Does true love’s kiss create an anti-magic zone? If you make out on a magic carpet do you plummet to your romantic death? This needs to be studied – for science!

This puts them all in Agaban in a desert somewhere and I really hope Nemo isn’t going to wait for them. Hey, and isn’t Prince Eric waiting or Ariel? I mean he just popped out and left her in her junk hut and now she’s in the desert somewhere? Why is no-one concerned about this?

Hopefully Killian can find someone who is good at portals – until then Ariel happens to have a magical communication shell which Killian happens to also have because why not? He uses this just as Emma happens to be carrying his stuff so she can hear that he totally hasn’t abandoned her

Which is our cue to catch up with Emma and co. Aftet telling David “hey my fiancĂ© killed your dad” she then adds “and then he left meeee!!!” to which David responds “oh my poor heartbroken daughter” and we get past that whole dad murder thing awful quickly

Instead Regina has the answer – BOOOZE. David doesn’t understand how half price drinks are supposed to help someone after a break up

Oh David, you sweet summer’s child.

Regina orders him to go wake up Mary Margety and gives him The Look ™ until he obeys so they can have a girl’s night out. Mary Margaret gets wasted and plays throwing daggers with random Vikings while Regina continues to be the best friend

Enquiring minds want to know where everyone was when Regina was heartbroken for the 7965675673th time. Ok drinks may not be appropriate for when true love dies rather than dumps you, but they could have got her a mourning stripper or something.

This is all before Emma gets her news from Killian but then it’s too late – Gideon has stolen her tears!

Ok… saviour tears are a thing now? Apparently Saviour tears stop true love portals.

Can someone slap the writers for making me type that line?

And he doesn’t want to kill Emma. He wants her help – so to get Killian back she needs to kill the Black Fairy

Hold on hold on here. Isn’t everyone pretty much on the same page here? Black Fairy is terribad evil? Rumple, Belle, Emma, Blue Fairy. Literally no-one is team Black Fairy here guys. Gideon if you want help killing her and aren’t going the whole “murder the Saviour” route to do it there’s absolutely no reason you need to get all coercive about this.

I think this episode was written at like 3:00pm the night before when the writers all got drunk and totally forgot they had a plot to write.