The Frankenstein Chronicles, Season 1, Episode 1: A World Without God

London 1827, ah Regency – kind of Victorian but with more debauchery.

There are three kinds of Victoriana/Regency out there I’ve found:

Decorous which is all big houses and pretty clothes and intrigue, usually involving Rules of Decency and terrible terrible liberties

Swashbuckling, which has lots of brass and waist coats and brave man facing terrible peril and monsters (like brown people) in foreign lands.

Gritty with big bleak cities, lots of fog and poor people and everyone has cholera.

This is definitely Gritty.

Let’s look at the characters introduced.

Firstly we have Generic Angsty White Guy, inspector Marlott. He works for the River Patrol, hunting down opium smugglers and generally not being super popular with his fellows because Gritty. He finds a body of a child during one of his investigations – and this body seems to be seven separate children’s bodies sewn together. He has been recruited by the Home Secretary Sir Richard Pool to find out who is behind this.

Marlott also has syphilis, taking mercury, a requisite dead, tragic family (which may or may not be his fault because ANGST) and a loss of faith and a need for redemption.

Honestly, I’m not inspired. I’ve just seen so many of these characters. Grim, gritty, angst-laden, standing on a fridge of dead women and practicing his rugged grim suffering look which I’ve seen so many times over and over. Yawn not another one!

He has sidekicks – an urchin and Nightingale. I like to think Nightingale will be a well developed, interesting character but part of my cynically thinks that his inclusion involved the following discussion:

Producer #1: Shit… I’ve just realised the only Black person we have is a nasty child abusing villain

Producer #2: it’s a historical…

Producer #1: Stop, we’ve used that excuse way too often, they’re not buying it

Producer #2: Fine, throw in a Black sidekick

Producer #1: that’s good we can introduce his family and show how they live in 1827 London, the challenges they face and…

Producer #2: Make him an orphan.

Producer #1: Oh…

Producer #2: But a nice guy! That should do it.

Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands, Season One, Episode Twelve

After all of the big buildup, it's time to go to war.  Beowulf tries to make peace with Elvina before the battle suggesting that they can work something out but they don't get to into detail because the war horn sounds.  Beowulf, Slean and Brecca go out to meet Abrecan and his wolfling allies.  As they wait for the wolfling army to assemble, Skellan decides to use the time to introduce the people of Herot to the warriors who will kill them.  Skellan doesn't get far into his speech because throws a spear at the wulfling warrior. With the chit chat over, it's time to get down to battle.

Slean runs around swearing to die for his people.  Arla does her best to rehabilitate Slean's image with his mother.  Arla suggests that it was abusive for Rheda to become Jarl and Thane and suggests that she do the right thing and hand over power. We all know that hell is going to freeze over before Rheda does that.

Beowulf has a chat with Rheda, where she questions why he returned, given that she had him banished because of her selfish son. It's clear that Beowulf being Hrothgar's son may not be common knowledge, but Rheda has known all along.  Beowulf responds that he came back for Hrothgar.

The wulflings are distracted by the treasures of Herot and it's Abrecan who pushes to keep them on task.  Despite the efforts of the people of Herot, they keep being pushed back by the combined armies. Rate and Varr arrive together. It seems that Rate has rethought the offer Rheda gave him. Rate agrees to have the Varni join the battle if, and only if, Rheda agrees to marry him and rule the territory jointly. Rheda tries to stall the process repeatedly and urges Rate to send a signal to his people but Rate will not be swayed and demands that they marry.  The ceremony begins and Arla rushes out to find Slean to warn him that his mother is giving away his birth right.  Slean storms in and accuses Rheda of selling her body and his birthright but Rheda is absolutely defiant.  Slean accuses Rheda of never having any intention of handing out power and Rheda concedes that she planned on handing it over at first. An irate Slean followed by Arla storms out.  Arla promises Slean that she will find a way to make him Thane and will take out his enemies. Given her little penchant for poison, I don't doubt Arla for one moment. Slean actually kisses Arla for the first time but says that what matters now is saving Herot. I guess Slean now finally accepts Arla as a partner.

An injured Brinni heads to see Elvina for treatment.  Elvina is attacked by a Wulfling and Grendel comes to her defense.  When a Huscarla moves in to attack Grendel, Elvina kills him to spare her son. It only took 12 episodes but Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands finally got around to naming Grendel. Beowulf sends Brinni away making him promise not to tell anyone what he has seen.  An irate Beowulf then turns his attention to Elvina but she comes to the strong defense of her son before leaving Herot.  Considering that Grendel is such a huge part of Beowulf's story, I cannot believe they waited 12 episodes to name him. It's ridiculous. I get that Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands was trying to put a modern twist on an old story but some things are necessary for the sake of story telling.

Lila is attacked and Brecca comes to her rescue.  Brecca and Lila work together to fight off her attackers but  Skellan sneaks up from behind and stabs Brecca. Lila is distraught at the sight of her downed husband but Brecca asks her to be quiet for his sake.  Skellan asks that Beowulf be told that he did this in revenge for the murder of his brother and that Brecca's death will only make up half of what Beowulf owes him.  Skellan storms out and Lila rushes to Brecca's side.  Finally, the writers get around to showing us that these two people actually care for each other. It is yet another example of how much Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands has failed when it comes to characterisation.  At this point, I didn't actually believe Brecca to be in any real jeopardy because up until this point, Beowulf Return to the Shieldlands has shown fear of actually killing off people.

Lila finds Bewoful and Vishka.  Vishka escorts her mother to main hall while Beowulf heads to see Brecca.  Beowulf tries to help but Brecca makes it clear that he accepts that this is the end of the road for him. Even in death, Brecca is completely unrepentant of the bad that he has done, claiming to have enjoyed it all far too much to express regret. Beowulf confirms that he is indeed Brecca's friend and Brecca is happy because Beowulf is his first and only friend.  Brecca then dies.

There's no time to mourn for Brecca because the people of Herot have been pushed back to the main hall.  Though Rate has sent the signal for his people to join the fight because he has married Rheda, the Varni have not yet arrived.  The Wulflings and the men of Bregan use a battering ram to try and open the door.

Beowulf and Slean reminisce about Hrothgar and Slean calls Beowulf his brother in all but blood. Was the comment supposed to be irony?  Rheda is dressing for her big moment and she is joined by Varr. Outside, Skellan has had enough of trying to get into the great hall and demands that it simply be set on fire.  Abrecan is aghast with this suggestion, pointing out that if they burn down the hall, they will be killing his people. Skellan is quick to point out that the people of Herot have no love for Abrecan anyway suggesting that all Abrecan is going to rule is ash.  Abrecan orders his men to keep using the ram.  The Varni finally show up and Skellan's men peel off to deal with the Varni. Skellan tells Draven that once Abrecan breaches the doors that they are to burn him with his people.

Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands Season One, Episode Elven

And it's war!  Unfortunately this episode is absolutely anticlimactic but at this point, I don't expect better from Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands.  Abrecan is surrounded by the people of Bregan and of course his Wolfling allies and plots the best way to attack Herot. Already there are frays in the alliance about what is the best way to approach Herot.   Rheda, having escaped her brother is back in Herot and her first action is to question Slean about his role in the uprisings.  A guilty Slean cannot look into his mother's eyes and she demands Hrothgar's  sword be taken from him and then demands his arrest.

Thanks to Slean's betrayal, Herot's closest allies are too far away to be of any real aid.  Compounding the issue, they don't have enough Huscarla to defeat Abrecan's army.  Under Slean's direction, the people of Herot have been training but they are absolutely the last line of defense and certainly no match for a Wolfling army.  It's Beowulf who suggests reaching out to the Varni but Rheda is convinced that any messenger from her will immediately be murdered because she threw the Varni out of the alliance of clans. Varr to the rescue.  As Varni, Varr believes that he can get Rate to listen to Rheda's pleas.

Elvina heads to visit Slean in jail and assures him that because he didn't judge her, she won't judge him.  Elvina then takes off to the woods and finds the mudborn who she has been feeding and warns it away because war is coming.  Razzak has been waiting for her and declares that while he doesn't want to be enemies, he wants to know why it is that Elvina seems to have taken sides with the humans against her own kind.  Elvina being Elvina, does her peacenik routine.

Varr and Beowulf arrive at the Varni land only to find that Hane is already there.  Seeing as how both sides want the Varni, Rate says that his people are happy to let Herot and Bregan fight it out and then swear loyalty which ever side wins.  Rate's supposed neutrality is actually a death sentence to Herot and he's astute enough to know that.  Varr then demands his right to be heard as a member of a Varni which means he has to right Rate's champion. Unfortunately, the fight is way too short but Varr emerges victorious.  Instead of asking Rate to send Varni warriors to defend Herot, he simply asks Rate to read Rheda's letter.  Rate reads Rheda's entreaty but it doesn't sway him.  Beowulf decides to head back to Herot to see what he can do to help, thankful that at least they still have Varr, It's time for Beowulf to look confused because it seems that now that Varr has killed the Varni champion, he is responsible for supporting the man's family and cannot leave.  With a sad smile, Varr hopes that he will find living with the Varni better the second time around.

Arla heads to see Slean, interrupting his bought of self pity.  With everything that he has done, Slean was actually wallowing in his daddy issues.  Arla wants to help and is quick to follow Slean's suggestion that she find a way to get Argat to come and see him.  Arla manages to track down Argat, but with everything going down, he doesn't have time to talk to a pubescent girl, until she invokes her position.  Arla argues that despite what he has done, Slean really cares about the Huscarla and has proven it with his washing of a Huscarla's body. Argat goes to see Slean and actually frees him so that Slean can fight with his men.  A gloating Arla sees Rheda and informs her that Slean has been set free.  Rheda is not the least bit impressed but Arla argues that Slean deserves the right to die in battle and cleanse his honour.

Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands , Season One, Episode Ten

Beowulf goes to see Rheda to tell her what Brecca learned about her brother.  Rheda immediately goes into a state of denial and decides that she is going to Bregan to question Abrecan herself. Yes, Rheda is now officially too stupid to live. It's one thing to believe her brother innocent and another to decide to ride into Bregan without a single person to protect her.  Slean offers to go instead of his mother but she turns him down.  Watching this scene, I couldn't help but think back to last week when Beowulf went to such lengths to warn Elvina that it was too dangerous to walk in the woods to get supplies.  What Rheda forgot in her zeal for the truth is that even if Abrecan was on her side, the surrounding area was still to dangerous for her to be riding off without anyone to have her back. Yes like I said earlier, far too stupid to live.

A conflicted Slean heads to see Kela and explains the situation.  He's afraid that if he tells the truth that his mother will never trust him again.  Perhaps he should have thought about it while he was flipping his position back and forth.  Kela tries to tell him that if Rheda dies it will automatically make him Thane but Slean has already walked out.  Slean takes comfort in his belief that Abrecan won't hurt his sister.  That makes so much sense.  Abrecan is willing to overthrow Rheda, but he is going to draw the line at murder?

Elvina wakes next to the mudborn and it shies away from her.  Elvina approaches slowly, touches its cheek and promises that no only will she not hurt it, she won't allow anyone else to hurt it either. Elvina makes her way through Herot and when Slean approaches, she explains that she escaped through the woods and that Beowulf now knows her secret.  It seems that Slean has known all along exactly what Elvina is.  When Beowulf sees the two together, he is not impressed and demands a moment in private.  Slean is determined to protect Elvina but Beowulf argues that even if Slean is the Thane's son, the people will still kill Elvina and then kill Slean for sleeping with her.  Slean is prepared to take that risk and questions how exactly the people will know, taking care to point out that the only reason Beowulf knows is that Elvina revealed herself in order to save Beowulf's life. When Slean threatens to bring Beowulf down with them if he talks, Beowulf consents to keeping silent.

Elvina then makes her way to Herot and finds Kela in her home.  Elvina promises Kela that she has nothing to fear form her because things are over between her and Sleen.  Kela suggests that they should be friends. If I were Elvina, I wouldn't drink or eat anything around that woman, particularly given that Slean told her not to kill anyone when he finds her in Elvina's home making potions.

Apparently, this flipping sides thing seems to be something natural to the people of this land.  When Saray welcomes Rheda to Bregan, Saray whispers into Rheda's ear that she should flee, thus confirming what Brecca warned her about.  Before Rheda can act, Abrecan takes her captive and demands that she sign over her position as Jarl.  Rheda is defiant, determined that she will do no such thing because it would be a betrayal of her son.  This is when Abrecan drops the hammer about Slean's duplicitous ways, saying that Rheda is too emotional to lead.  Yes, the sexism is strong with this one.

Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands, Season One, Episode Nine

The mud born have been pushing to get their land back from the invaders.  From early on this season, Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands there has been a lot of examination of colonialism and this episode is no different. The huscarls come across a human who claims that he was kept captive by the Warig and though they lose one of their men, they bring the man back with them to Herot completely unaware that they are bringing the leader of the mudborn into their territory.  After having killed Koll, a shifter living in hiding in Herot, one would think that this would make the Huscarls at least  a little bit suspicious of strangers but apparently this is not the case. Nothing like letting the enemy have a look at your defenses I suppose.

This week, Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands laid it on pretty thick. It seems as though the mudborn have a chosen one whose birth was foretold. This chosen one will supposedly unite all of the mudborn and defeat the humans, chasing them from their land. Given that the humans are invaders and that they've slaughtered them at will, defiled their holy places and enslaved them, it's hard not to be team mudborn, though Beowulf: Return to the Shieldands is trying to suggest sympathy for both sides.

We finally got a little bit of Beowulf's backstory this week when he and Elvina are captured by the Warig. It seems that while Beowulf went to hunt down some escaped Warig prisoners, the Warig doubled back and slaughtered his wife and child, burning down his home. He clearly feels that all Warig need to die, missing the point that had the humans not invaded, murdered and enslaved perhaps his family might still be alive today.  I don't really expect much nuance from Beowulf at this point given that from what we have seen of his investigative skills  he's not necessarily the brightest person around.

For much of this season of Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands, there have been plenty of clues that there's more to Elvina than meets the eye. When she is forced to reveal that she is a shifter in order to save Beowulf from being burned alive by the Wharig, I cannot say that I was surprised.  With all of the hinting the big reveal felt anticlimactic. Throughout most of the episode, Elvina kept stressing the value of all life, something that Beowulf clearly didn't agree with. With her big secret exposed, Beowulf finds that while he cannot kill Elvina, he can no longer see her humanity and demands that she stay away from him and never ever return to Herot. The moment when he tells Slean that Elvina is dead represents his absolute rejection of her.  His failure to see the bridge that Elvina could provide is a stunning example of how small minded Beowulf is and why the conflict will continue to rage. For a better examination of colonialism, Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands needs to pull away from Beowulf's perspective.

Beowulf Return to the Shieldlands, Season One, Episode Eight

I very much believe that some of these characters are actually too stupid to be in positions of power; however, I think that this is the best episode of Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands to date. That being said, someone needs to put Grendel on a milk carton because he is still missing.  It seems that Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands has decided to fixate on political intrigue rather than even loosely following the poem.

It's time for Slean and Kela to marry and since this is the marriage which will assure the alliance that Rheda needs to cemenet her role as Jarl, Abrican sends Saray and Hane to represent him.  Not long after their arrival, Hane hands Saray a bottle of poison and informs her that Abrican is counting on her. Saray dutifully gives the bottle of poison to Kela, telling her that it's perfume and since Kela isn't supposed to accept wedding gifts, Saray suggests that it should be their little secret.  Given that Kela poisoned her own sister to get to Herot, she is not one to simple dabble with liquid she doesn't trust. Kela pours the poison on a rodent and watches as it quickly dies. Later, when the women are gathered, Kela picks up the bottle of poison and asks Saray to apply it for her.  Saray then picks up a cloth to apply it but Kela says that the cloth will dilute the scent and suggests that Saray uses her own hands. Knowing that she will die if she touches the poison Saray drops the bottle claiming that she made a mistake and Kela is quick to agree with her. It's a chilling scene because both women are murderers and now both women have a measure of understanding about each other.

 As part of the nuptials, Beowulf and Elvina agree to act as seconds for Slean and Kela, bringing the two together. It's Beowulf and Elvina's job to discuss whether or not they are aware of any reasons why Slean and Kela cannot marry.  It would make sense for these two to have this discussion privately but proving that these characters are not as smart as they are supposed to be and the writers are extremely lazy, Elvina and Beowulf talk about Slean being in love with Elvina, while Kela is in the next room.  They've already made Kela ruthless and intelligent, so why create such a lazy situation to confirm her suspicions regarding Slean and Elvina?

The final step in the nuptials involves Slean and Kela standing in front of stones and telling each other truths in private.  Saray decides to use this moment to kill Kela, and is stopped by none other than Slean, who has switched sides once again.  Slean it seems has a moment of conscience because he doesn't believe that Kela deserves to die because she is caught up in events beyond her understanding.  Kela uses this time to tell Slean who he is really taking as a wife, admitting that she killed to be  there.  Slean is shocked because he thought that Kela's sister had died of fever but Kela explains that when her sister started to get better, she poisoned her. Kela explains that she was tired of always living in her sister's shadow.  Slean doesn't even blink an eye at this. She reveals that she knows about his feelings about Elvina but counters by claiming that Elvina is in love with Beowulf and that the two slept together the night before.  Kela claims that together they can ensure that he becomes Thane adding, "we don't get to choose who we love or who loves us but we can choose who we make our way in the world with." That's all it takes for Slean to become convinced to follow through with his marriage to Kela.

When Saray returns to Bregan, unsurprisingly Abrican is upset by her failure.  When his leadership as Thane is challenged, Abrican is quick to blame his people's lack of failure in him on Saray, adding that he brought an assassin among his people.   Saray is quick to ask when it became their business to kill young girls and suggests that a true leader would come out and declare their intent towards Rheda.  Abrican tries to do that when a council is called but finds himself accused of treason and is removed from his position as Thane.  Luckily for Abrican this is when fish decide to spawn down river and he leads the charge, restoring his people's faith in him.    It was a quick wrap up and now that Abrican has publicly declared his intention to overthrow his sister, perhaps this plot can move along.

Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands, Season One, Episode Seven

Dear Fangs readers, I continue to watch, recap and review this disappointing series so that you don't have to watch it. You're welcome, and yes, I'm BITTER.  It's week seven and Grendel is still missing. I think it's time we put out an amber alert for him, what say you all?  Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands decided to give us an an action packed week with a little bit of intrigue and unsurprisingly failed on both fronts.

Having not been warned by Abrecan, Herot is completely unprepared when the Wulflings attack. The Wulflings come roaring into Herot with a massive dog like creature which tears its way through the people. The Wulflings make off with Kela and some gold which includes King Hrothgar's golden death mask(yeah, it's as creepy as it sounds),  losing one of their own in the process.  This is absolutely a disaster because in order to remain Jarl, Rheda needs the vote of Thane Gorrik to keep her majority vote. Having Kela spend most of her time as a damsel in distress is the least interesting thing they could do with this calculating character. I did however love watching Elvina cringe when Kela questioned why it is that Beowulf is allowed to walk around freely though he struck Slean and if their fight was about her. The only time we see her act with any real agency is when she sneaks out of Elvina's hut to hang out with Brinni, who she has clearly developed an eye for, only to be captured. The lesson in this is that bad things happen if you step out of your lane.

We did get to see some intelligence from Varr, a character who is the only one thus far who has managed to hold my interest.  Varr gives away his swords to Beowulf, claiming that mental acuity is preferable to a weapon or physical strength.  There's so much about Varr that we don't know but it's not surprising given that Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands doesn't seem to believe in character building beyond telling us that he learned a lot from the Varney. This episode we saw an unarmed Varr take on an armed Draven with his bare hands (okay, not his smartest move) and win, as well as trick Draven into admitting he understood the common tongue when they were trying to interrogate him.  This btw is the last bit of sensibility that we saw for this entire episode.

Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands has made a point of showing that Slean cares very deeply for Elvina, yet he had no problem putting her life at risk by suggesting that the signal fire not be lit.  I guess the possibility of Thane is better than love.  We had two instances of characters actually speaking in earshot of people that lead to disaster.  Elvina and Varr (I suppose two moments of stupidity are allowed) discussed the love triangle between her, Beowulf and Slean, in Kela's earshot. Then we had Beowulf and Rheda discuss the fact that Kela is Thane Gorrik's daughter and the necessity of her marriage to Slean in front of the captured Draven.  Why in the name of heaven would they discuss the importance of Kela within Draven's earshot? Look, I know that the writers wanted to set it up so that at the prisoner exchange Draven had a reason to steal Kela and run away with Jogan but there had to be another way. It's this kind of clumsy writing that makes Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands painful to watch.

Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands, Season One, Episode Six

It's episode six and there's still no sign of Grendel. At this point, I think ITV needs to hire a private detective to find him.  To some degree, it's to be expected that Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands should deviate somewhat from its source material but this has become ridiculous.  The story continues to simply plod along without much excitement and I cannot shake the disappointment I feel with this series.  This should have been epic but it's about as exciting as watching paint dry at this point.  It doesn't matter that they are giving us a better look at the trolls, it's simply not enough.

It looks like things are coming to a head for Herot (it took long enough)  Slean has finally come to terms with his divided loyalties and decided to support his Uncle Abrecan's bid to overthrow his mother.  I don't see the sense that this makes given that should Abrecan have a son by his young wife, who is quite handy with a sword, this would leave Slean out in the cold.  If that were not enough, when Bregan was attacked by raiders, Slean was quick to help out Abrecan but balked at the idea of lighting a warning fire.  In Slean's mind, a successful attack would weaken his mother. He's a real winner isn't he?  Slean wants to rule the Thane of Herot but doesn't care that Herot's people are going to be attacked and potentially die.

What pushes Slean over the edge is catching Beowulf kissing Elvina.  Though Slean promised Elvina that nothing would change who he loved and who he took to his bed, Elvina was certainly not of a like mind.  This didn't mean that she chose Beowulf but Slean didn't give her a chance to explain before throwing a punch over Beowulf supposedly stealing his woman.  Well, that confirms it, no matter how independent the women of Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands are, they are an aberration because when it comes right down to it, women are still viewed as property.  Given the time period that this is set in however, I understand this position even if I don't like it.

Elvina has once again raised my suspicions.  It's clear that she doesn't want to be with Slean now that he is going to be married to Kela but despite her attraction to Beowulf, she is resistant to him.  I think that there might be more going on here than the love triangle that the show seems to be painting for us. To be clear, Slean is not the brightest man and he seems to be ruled by his emotions and easily influenced whereas, the same cannot be said for Beowulf.  Could it be that Elvina doesn't think that she can achieve whatever plan she is hatching with the mudborn by bedding Beowulf instead of Slean?  Yes, Elvina is doing something with the mudborn and this was made plain by the fact that she left food for the mudborn who kidnapped her earlier.  It makes me wonder once again if Elvina herself is mudborn and living in hiding?

Beowulf has been dropped back into his role of investigator and unless he took some classes, he will simply meander around the way he did last time.  A man comes rushing into Herot to report that he has been attacked by a troll. This never should have happened because miners leave salt out for the trolls to feast upon.  When denied salt, the trolls turn to human blood to get the salt they need. Hmmm, who would have thought of humans as salty? Do we taste like bacon? Okay, back to some serious talk now.  Given that the salt comes from Bregan, clearly there is some kind of treachery going on.  Unfortunately, not for one moment does Rheda consider that Abrecan is behind it because she assumes the loyalty of her brother and Slean never bothered to tell her about the plots against her.

Beowulf: Return To The Shieldlands, Season One, Episode 5

I've given this show five episodes and to say that thus far it has been extremely underwhelming is to be kind.  From the moment Breca suggests that nothing else could possibly go wrong, we know that it will and that somehow, and that it will be Beowulf who pulls it all out of the fire. The trouble begins when the foursome are attacked by a giant  sandwyrm, who eats the dowry of weapons for Slean's bride. This means that somehow, Beowulf now has to negotiate a trade for a bride without a dowry and keep the support of Thane Gorrik for Rheda. There's also the issue that Slean's intended bride Mara is in love with Rowan and determined not to be married off.  Sure why not through some star crossed lover nonsense into this already overly typical plot.

When they finally reach the Isle of Dunes, their welcoming is not great to say the least. Thane Gorrik, as desperate as he is for the alliance, is not the least bit impressed that Slean didn't show up to claim his bride and is suspicious when he doesn't immediately see the dowry. Beowulf plays politician and tries to pacify Thane Gorrik.  It all becomes mute however when Mara falls ill.  It seems that sickness has been raging through the Isle of Dunes.  Not to worry though because it's Elvina to the rescue. She's determined that if they can just get something from a sandwyrm, it might save everyone. Breca and Beowulf discuss the situation in the sick area believing Mara to be unconscious.  The moment they leave, Mara wastes no time informing Rowan that the dowry is missing.

Beowulf approaches Thane Gorrik about hunting a sandwyrm but Gorrik believes its too dangerous. Beowulf however is determined because he believes that this might buy him some goodwill for the lost dowry.  Naturally, Rowan informs Gorrik about the lost dowry and together they agree that Rowan shall join Breca and Beowulf to hunt the sandwyrm and that Beowulf and Breca will not return.  This is great for Rowan, because in return for his help with the plan, Gorrik agrees to allow Mara to marry him. Say aww everyone. Of course Rowan has to fail because we all know that Beowulf is not going to return to Herot as anything but the conquering hero.

In a quick showdown, the sandwyrm is defeated and Rowan is quick to take his leave believing that Beowulf and Brecca will never return to the Isle of Dunes because they don't know the safe path back to avoid sandwyrms.  Luckily for Breca and Beowulf, the sandwyrm they killed just happens to be the one who ate the weapons they were trying to deliver as a dowry.  Gee did anyone see that coming? They return to the Isle of Dunes, by simply walking back in Rowan's footsteps. Yeah, Rowan didn't really think his little plan through.

Medicine in hand, it's time to start treating Mara and the rest of the sick people.  What no one counted on was Mara's ambitious little sister Kela, who is happy to let her sister die so that she can take her place.  Mysteriously, Mara is the only one who doesn't get well, leaving Elvina mystified (for now at least) Well, it seems that Kela is just the bride that Slean needs.

Beowulf Return to the Shieldlands, Season One, Episode Four

It's time for the vote to decide who will be the next Jarl.  Rheda is not the least bit certain that the vote will go her way and is worried that should it not, she will be forced to fight to the death.  The only thing that Rheda has determined is that no matter what happens on this day, she will emerge victorious and claim the title of Jarl.  This determination leads to an unexpected alliance.  It seems that while Rheda is not willing to tie herself to a man for the sake of power, she is not above forcing Slean to marry.  Rheda does this with the full knowledge that Slean is in love with Elvina.  Later, Rheda justifies her decision to Beowulf claiming that that she has seen the way that Elvina looks at him and it's certainly not the way that she looks at Slean.

Slean does have one card to play.  He knows that the traitor is actually his uncle Abrecan.  Instead of coming clean with this fact, Slean decides instead to blame Rate and his people.  How this makes any possible sense is beyond me.  At any rate, as far as Slean is concerned, Abrecan now owes him one and Rheda got to have her show of strength by pushing Rate and his people out of the alliance. Abrecan however makes it clear that he is better suited to ensure that Slean becomes Jarl than Rheda. The only that's clear thus far is that Slean is clearly hedging his bets.

To complete her position, Rheda must now send a dowry of swords and so she tasks Beowulf and Elvina with this task.  Naturally. Brecca tags along as Beowulf's second.  After a small run in with Vishka. in which she claims that Brecca is not man enough to be her mother, Brecca is irked to say the least.  Really, for Vishka, this is about the fact that despite being a good fighter her gender keeps her from having any excitement at all.  Vishka decides to follow along behind and not having any experience, stumbles into a sacred burial ground and takes a sacred item. It seems that Vishka took on more than she could handle.  This leads to Vishka being injured and the crew having to go on the run for the offence she unintentionally committed.

On one hand, I think that the fact that Vishka got into so much trouble and is injured evidences that she lacks real life experience.  No matter how skilled she is with a sword, nothing makes up for that. On the other hand, it also feels a bit like punishment for Vishka daring to step outside of her gender role and seek adventure, rather than being content to just listen to the stories and celebrate the male heroes that she is presented.  I hope that as this little journey moves forward,  Vishka will have a chance to show her skills beyond weapons forging.

Now that Rheda is officially Jarl, she is not content to follow Abrecan's lead and this pisses him off to the point that he gets snippy with her and has to apologise.  Rheda is forced to make it clear to her brother that she intends to rule.  For her, this means making a set of standard rules which all will follow.  This will take power away from the Thanes, who are used to presiding over justice in their territories.  It's a bold move considering that her rule hangs by the balance and she has yet to solidify anything, I'm not certain it's the wisest.  At this point, I have really become a fan of Rheda.  She is a strong character who refuses to hide behind a man and intends to leave her own mark.

Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands, Season One, Episode Three

The race is on to see if Rheda can get enough votes to become Yarl and to that end, it's absolutely essential that Beowulf and Rate return with Slean and Than Scorann. Without Thane  Scorann's vote, there seems to be some doubt as to whether Rheda can come out ahead.  This takes Rate and Beowulf into the woods to chase down the captors.  This should have been exciting but I actually found it rather boring and disappointing.  Unfortunately, Slean lives and Thane Scorann dies but not before telling his brother Rate, that his vote goes to Rheda.  Scorann did however whisper a condition into his brother's ear which the audience is not privy to.  The problem of course is that I don't care in the slightest.

As we saw in the last episode, Koll the skinshifter has been captured.  Koll made it very clear that he did what he did to protect his family.  This means that someone figured out who and what he is and blackmailed him to destablize Herot during the time of the Moot.  The people of Herot who are either unaware of the larger plot going on or simply don't care have decided that they want justice from Sylvi, Koll's wife.  Elvina speaks beautifully in Sylvi's defense pointing out that none of them knew what Koll is, including the former Yarl, Hrothgar.  The question of course is, is Elvina sympathetic because she doesn't want to see the woman dead and her child left an orphan or does she have something to hide herself, given that she chose to strip in front of Beowulf last week instead of burning her hand to prove that she isn't Mudborn.

It's clear from the outset that Rheda wants to give Sylvi a pass and says to her people that Sylvi will be judged based on the law.  Rheda is sympathetic to the idea that Sylvi would chose to make a life with Koll, given that her former husband used to beat her and Koll took her away from all of that. I think Rheda knows all too well what it is to be a woman negotiating this hyper masculine world and how vulnerable it would have made Sylvi; however, this does not stop Rheda from tricking Sylvi's daughter into indicting her mother.  I suppose female solidarity only goes so far in the Shieldlands.

In my review last week, I pondered whether or not Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands is attempting to discuss colonization.  This week, we saw that when Brecca taunted Koll, Koll responded by making it clear that he came from a line of priests, who advised the giants, who used to rule the area. Koll is quick to say that his people were important rulers and advisers when the Shieldlanders were living in caves.  Even Sylvi accuses the Shieldlanders of being savages when she is sentenced to death.  Clearly, there's more to the Mudborn than the creatures that we have seen.  They had a society and perhaps even a rule of law.  Calling them savages and depriving them of land is simply the justification of colonization.  I am fascinated by this line and hope that it continues on.

Beowulf: Return To The Shieldlands, Season, Episode One:

Beowulf is based on an epic 3,000 line old English poem. In the source material, Beowulf is the hero who battles a monster named Grendel, Grendel's mother and a dragon.  Obviously for the sake of television this already long poem is going to be drawn out.

The opening theme quite disappointingly is quite reminiscent of The Game of Thrones.  Given the age of this epic saga, it absolutely has no need to play upon the popularity of The Game of Thrones.  It should be able to stand on its own. Beowulf: Return To The Shieldlands begins with Beowulf travelling with Breca to see king Hrothgar, only to learn that Hrothgar is deceased and that he will not be allowed to see the body.  I must admit to the shock that Hrothgar died so early, particularly because he was played by William Hurt.

King Hrothgar's death does however serve to provide the fuel in the political situation.  It seems, having decided that his son Slean is not up to the job, Hrothgar chose Rheda to succeed him.  It's clearl early on that there is tension between Slean and Beowulf largely because Slean is positioned the lesser man.  Both are sons of Hrothgar but only Beowulf knows this truth of this and if that were not enough, Beowulf is also the better fighter.  For Slean, Hrothgar represents a challenge to what he sees as his birthright and like a conniving little weasel that he is, much of Slean's inferiority is covered by Rheda.  It does however make me wonder if they will move away from the original story and have Beowulf battle Rheda in revenge for his murder of Slean, who I already think needs to die? Even Rheda however is quick to bend when Beowulf returns after injuring the troll/Grendal. If nothing else, it's clear that things are going to come to head between Beowulf and Slean, particularly now that Beowulf, hero that he is, has saved Elvina from the troll, whom I assume to be Grendal.

What I did find interesting about the troll, is that it wasn't mindless. It clearly captures Elvina in search of a mate of sorts and has feelings for her. Unfortunately it had me thinking of King Kong which is not what I should have been thinking about during Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands. I do however hope that the character of the troll/Grendal will be developed as the story goes on. I want to see that he has motivation for actions, rather than acting on instinct alone.

Switch: Season 1, Episode 6

It’s time for the solstice party – which means lots of packing, lots of preparing and Stella driving everyone up the wall with her checklist. And Gloria, Grace’s mother, ringing every 5 seconds. And Gerry is going to miss Grace and is angling to come with her. Grace realises she has to tell the truth and builds up to the big reveal – of being a witch. Which Gerry shrugs and takes. When she reveals she’s going home for solstice, he’s even more eager to go.

She runs to the others and begs for help, she’s not ready for Gerry to see all the weird and whacky stuff around solstice. Jude says to tell him not to come, but Grace doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. Hannah proposes a switch, but Grace says they’ve already done it a lot in the month she’s known him, it’s exploitative and wrong. Stella giggles and wonders what Gerry will say to Grace’s mum’s naked solstice dance – Grace changes her mind about the switch.

All Switched they set off for Lower Sooth where the solstice is being held and, car trouble aside they arrive. Only to find that Alexa’s family owns the land and is now charging £50 a person to attend and a further £75 to park – miles from the actual event. And extra corporate sponsorship.

Grace’s mum Gloria is also unhappy with the corporate everywhere and is dressing as a red squirrel in protest (it makes sense to her).  To Gloria’s house where we find Grace’s dad is silent and radiates dullness and Gloria acts like she’s not had Grace home for decades when it’s actually been a week. And she’s trying to set Grace up with someone – which is when she sees Gerry through the window.

Grace talks to Gerry about how important solstice is for her and how narrow her mother’s expectations are for her boyfriend (beard, sandals, bad breath). She wants to go slowly and be careful. And he has to hide – she takes him to see Hannah and Jude in Hannah’s mum’s caravan

And in Hannah’s mum’s caravan, Hannah and Jude are shivering and it’s looks kind of bleak, Hannah’s mum is missing and not answering the phone. Hannah reflects on her childhood and how unloved the caravan is now.

They gather up outside the caravan and Gerry begs to be let out long enough to go to the bathroom, she relents and he goes against a sacred rock – which is when Gloria arrives. Outraged, of course, she demands to know who he is and Grace panics and says he’s Stella’s boyfriend. Gloria is confused since Stella is a lesbian and she stutters that she’s not any more, it was a phase, a 15 year phase (and she gives Grace a brief death-glare).

OH COME ON! Ok, Grace is spineless enough not to claim Gerry as a boyfriend but she has 2 fellow coven mates who are right there and are straight. Jude has even not-quite-dated Gerry in the past. But Grace chooses Stella? She decides that the lesbian is the one to cast as Gerry’s girlfriend?

Gloria insists that Gerry stay with her as Stella is – only they’ll have to share a single bed. (Grace complains to Jude and Hannah that she doesn’t like that – Stella’s a lesbian but he’s not gay. Yeah I think grace is not the one who gets to complain here). And to add to the fun, Gloria brings them both back dressed as fertility idols to lead the solstice.

More bonding, friendship and blessings – and Alex arrives and to finish off her awfulness, her mother has joined the coven to bring them up to full power again.

Grace is introduced to Geoffrey – who her mother is trying to set her up with. He grows plums. This concludes the one interesting fact about him.

And Jude goes to see Jack, a guy she’s been texting who she had a fling with when she was 18 and is worried that he wants far more than a fling now. Turns out she needn’t have worried – he already has a partner, Summer. And their daughter, Willow and they want Jude to be her guide-parents. She worries she’s no good with kids but Jack remembers Jude letting his little sister tag along all the time – she still talks about Jude. Jude agrees to become a guide-parent.

Time to gather up again and Gloria has an… interesting motivational speech to get them psyched up and ready should they be chosen to open the ceremony.  Grace apologises to Gerry but he’s having a wonderful time. And spend a minute making out in the bushes, which is when Gloria and Geoffrey come past.

Gloria begins to lecture Grace for betraying Stella and Grace reiterates that Stella is a lesbian – and confirms she loves Gerry. But it’s Gerry who sells it by being willing to come back to Lower Sooth and make a life there with Grace, having quickly fallen in love with the place. Gloria unleashes the group hugs.

As they move off, Gerry tells Grace he meant it, he’d love to get a cottage there, live with Grace and have lots of kids (they’ve been together 1 month. Uh-huh)

Stella and Jude look for the absent Hannah and find her in the caravan, upset that her mother has abandoned her again. She tearfully realises she has to let her go.

Time for the big solstice meet with Lord Piedpoint (Alexa’s father) and La Bamba lager providing sponsorship. And in a moment of pure shock, the witches of Camden are invited to open the solstice.  But as Grace begins to read the scroll aloud, it’s clear she has been hexed and says lots of offensive things about the community being hippies with no grip on reality. Jude starts eating the sacred scroll. Alexa’s mother speaks up for their banishment – and in walks Hannah’s mother demanding they stop this “betrayal of sisterhood.”

Hannah’s mother, Gloria and 2 others join together in a circle to lift the curse and confront Alexa’s mother, Corina. There’s clearly bad blood between them and big secrets that Corina wants kept secret – Hannah’s mother had an affair with Lord Piedpoint – who is Hannah’s father. Hannah’s mum leaves and Hannah chases her.

Switch: Season 1, Episode 5

Grace and Gerry are all over each other on the kitchen table – which is so unhygienic. Jude just turns around and walks away. Hannah tries to rescue her toast but abandons it – until Stella comes in with a strong “excuse me” and Grace collapses in embarrassment.  Lots of friendly poking of each other’s love life, led by Hannah (and Jude puts whipped cream on cereals. I am torn between envy and horror) AND she picks up on the need to clean up after the chopping board make out.

Stella asks Jude if she can give her the numbers of all the girls she was trying to set Stella up with who she turned down, Hannah wants to borrow £20 off Stella (and needs a job) – it’s these constant little friend interactions between the characters that really works. Grace wants Jude to teach her how to be cool around Gerry, but Jude is getting irritated by Grace and Gerry (and Gerry’s lovely half-nakedness) everywhere.

Jude gets a tweet from the Cricklewood coven – one of her friends wants a tutor for their daughter to make sure she gets into a good coven - Stella laughs at how pretentious this is but Hannah leaps at the chance.  Using a quick switch to boost Hannah’s reputation, she easily gets a job tutoring witches.

The pupil arrives with her mother – who’s working 3 jobs to pay for a massive amount of extra tuition for her daughter – and not just in witchcraft. And the daughter turns out to be demanding and treats Hannah like a servant. And becomes increasingly more condescending and shirty to Hannah when she thinks she’s not getting her money’s worth. Hannah realises that the girl, Tuppence, is really educated, but has never been in a coven before, which is so odd at age 15.

And she’s never had a coven because she’s never had friends and she’s never had friends because she’s so spoiled.

Grace tries to be cool around Gerry and… fails dismally. Finding out that Gerry is making posters all days she bothers Jude for some pens so she can show him how nice she is. Jude, again, tells her to relax and not be so obsessed with him. Poor Jude. 

Well Jude has had enough of this frustration and calls up a booty call, Mike. He arrives and they, noisily, get down to business. It’s no strings attached and he can’t even remember her name. As Mike leaves, Jude sees Gerry and Grace playing and having fun – not having sex – and feels dissatisfied with just the sex call and asks Mike to stay. And they have sex again – and Jude and he finally talk and learn what they both do. And, at the end of a meal, Jude asks Mike to go out with her.

They have nothing in common and, as they hang out with Grace and Gerry in the kitchen, it’s clear they know nothing about each other and the awkwardness abounds. But Gerry leaves and Grace has a crash of confidence.

Which is when Hannah brings Tuppence out to practice having friends. After failing with Jude and Mike, Hannah brings Tuppence to the insecure and worried Grace – which doesn’t help Grace at all.

Stella is efficiently organising her speed dating. She’s harsh, efficient and really funny (and beautifully shoots down the man who interrupts her lesbian speed dating). Still she returns home disappointed. Just as Grace convinces Jude to ring Gerry (Jude doesn’t understand why she wants Gerry there all the time). Which is when Mike gets call from his colleague saying they haven’t got funding – and he completely loses his shit and destroys his phone causing much concern through the house.

Switch: Season 1, Episode 4

 Morning and a sleepy Jude is stacking up the new clothes she’s made, Stella is obsessing over mustard, her company’s newest, biggest client… and there’s a goat’s head in the fridge. Apparently it’s their anniversary tomorrow and goat’s head stew is traditional. Grace leaves and Hannah glares at Stella and Jude because Grace is so invested in the anniversary and has gone to so much trouble and they’re too busy for it.

Grace heads out and is followed by a man who asks after her phone, hits her and then steals her bag. She returns home to see the others going through their anniversary supplies. Instant huddle on the sofa while she cries. She wants to go home, where people are kind, she’s sick of London. They comfort her and finally resolve on a confidence spell for her.

After the spell she describes herself as feeling “immense”.

So begins Confident Grace’s day. Which starts with her cutting the wire to the noisy headphones of the guy stood at the bus-stop afterwards, to her casually describe being mugged to her boss before taking the day off work to approach Gerry. She decides that if Gerry had more confidence he would be headlining his gigs. So off she goes to confront “shaggy” who runs the club and make it so – winning Gerry’s band the headline status.

At her old job Jude tells her business venture to Aaron and how she’ll be leaving work soon, all being well. She goes to see Hannah who has completely integrated into the market – she knows everyone, she likes everyone – but she’s not selling anything. And when they reach the stall they find everything has been stolen while Hannah was distracted. Jude is upset and very disappointed.

And at Stella’s job she finds that her PA has been sacked – to be replaced by India. One of the Kensington witches, clearly using magic to influence Janet to get the job and stop Stella from talking her out of it. They end up both working on the mustard account in competition, the best pitch gets the account.

India has cast a spell on the whole office – so extensive is it that even her pitch of a giant penis is hailed as brilliant by everyone. Stella confronts India and she makes it clear she’s doing it all to destroy the company, destroy Stella’s job and drive them out of London, “their patch”

Time for a switch organised by Hannah to create new T-shirts. After Grace used her confidence to haggle – hard – for materials and they enchant the designs onto the t-shirts.

Stella tells the gang her problem with India and Grace steps in with her uber confidence.  They go to see Janet and Grace steamrolls over everyone with her confidence to get them to make their own pitch. And the pitch contains an awesome speech about friendships and a powerful demonstration of the bond the 4 friends share (as it goes on, India gets ever sadder with a strong hint she doesn’t have that kind of friendship). Despite that, it doesn’t break the spell and they want to go with India’s suggestion that mustard is versatile – you can use it as toothpaste… or thrush cream. Even India doesn’t want that campaign now.

As they leave, they run into the Kensington witches. Grace has a bit of a showdown but finally lets them pass. They talk about their plans, not only is India not happy with what’s happening in the office but is disturbed that they paid someone to have Grace mugged.

And Grace gets the awful idea of texting sexy naked pictures to Gerry. She goes and sees him after his gig and his ecstatic and bouncing because it went so well. He even tells her that a woman sent her a naked picture of herself (but he didn’t see who). He says he won’t text her back because it’s a bit weird – and Grace reveals that it was her. She tells Gerry she’d never do anything to hurt Jude but she only thinks of Gerry as a hunk of sex meat. They sit down and she says he should probably delete that. He says no, they wrestle over the phone and end up kissing

Jude at work, talking sex with Aaron (Aaron’s topics of conversation: Jude and sex) when Jude realises that one of the guys in the shop is wearing one of her designs. Jude leaves the shop and finds a huge number of people wearing her designs. Jude rushes down to the stall and finds Hannah selling them for a £1. Hannah points out the t-shirts cost 50p, the switch is still going – 100% profit (what, the stall is free?)

Jude is furious, they’re supposed to be exclusive designs, she doesn’t want these “teletubbies” wearing them and making them look awful (Hannah calls that racist – ugh, no Hannah. Prejudiced and cruel, maybe, but not racist). Hannah protests that everyone loves Jude’s clothes, but Jude says they love the price- not the design.

At the flat Stella, after examining the goat’s head stew, notices the tension between Hannah and Jude. Grace comes out and wants to invite them all to breakfast in the name of friendship – but Jude hears something, goes and checks and finds Gerry naked in Grace’s room. Jude is less than pleased and they realise they need to lift the Switch on Grace. She needs to share some hard truths – except with her confidence boosted she goes over the top: tells Jude she was just using Gerry for sex, tells Hannah she put her market friends ahead of her real friends and tells Stella she’s obsessed about mustard.

Jude goes to work and Aaron starts talking about sex again but she complains it’s not all she’s about (it’s all he’s about Jude). Grace goes to see Gerry and finds his guitar – which he earlier said he loved more than his penis – had been stolen because he didn’t take it home the night before. He’s had it for 15 years and, like Grace, he describes being sick of London.

Switch Season 1, Episode 3

 Grace is fretting over their plan to bring Lucy – Stella’s “mad ex” over without even explaining anything to her, while Jude tries to figure out what to wear to work in her first day as store manager.

Jude, one hangover cure later, sets off to her job, praised by Stella but Hannah questions her willingness to drop her dreams of being a fashion designer.

And Lucy arrives. Stella doesn’t recognise her at all – her memory’s completely gone – but Lucy cracks upon the photo album of the times they spent together. She’s also very very loud and rather annoying and more than a little nasty with burps and drinking out of the bottle of the milk. She is a witch – Air – but has no coven and she and Stella were together 5 years ago. Lucy says their relationship was fine, albeit fiery until they had a big fight, broke up and the coven convinced Stella to forget her. Grace counters that it the memory spell was Stella’s idea and that Stella was constantly in pieces with Lucy, all the time. But she thinks Stella can’t fall in love again until she remembers Lucy and gets over her.

To life the Switch, Stella and Lucy have to share a memory that means something and after a picture we won’t speculate about, Lucy points to their matching necklaces they got at Glastonbury where they nearly got married before Stella was transported to first aid in a wheelbarrow. It’s on such foundations that true love is built.

Stella hides in her bedroom trying to get Lucy to leave, pretending her memory is gone but Lucy stands outside being annoying until she hits on an old nickname that finally causes Stella to snap and slip that she remembers. The pair of them set to arguing while Hannah leaves to job hunt, leaving Grace to be on standby.

At work, Jude finds Aaron heartbroken because Miles has got a new job away from him and has already left. Jude says she needs him at work and he gets very dramatic, but any hissy fit is averted when he sees some new stylish clothes on the computer and completely forgets to be upset (see, if your GBF is having an emotional problem and you may find yourself focused on his issues for 2 minutes, don’t worry, throw some clothes at him. After he’s finished being gleeful over the fashion, the natural order will re-assert and he will return to your issues). The fashion designer behind the clothes – the new big thing – is an old school-friend of Jude’s. And he was completely and utterly uncool and unartistic at school. And he’s designing a special range just for them – it’s been kept secret because they didn’t want it to get out and “only the creative” were kept in the loop. Jude, the aspiring fashion designer, is shaken and upset, unsurprisingly.

Aaron sets to work trying to comfort her while Jude complains about the advantages the designer had she never did (he went on work experience in Paris, she went to a jam factory). When a customer comes in with a complaint she loses her temper and leaves.

Hannah looks for a job in the job centre window when she’s mistaken for someone else –a woman he interviewed for a job earlier. Hannah asks if the woman got the job, he says no, they needed someone more dynamic – she leaps on the chance and asks for an interview right here and now (well in the café). He works for a security company, testing company’s security and her job would be to test security guards to see if they’re up to scratch. Basically, she’s to try and shop lift and if she succeeds they return the goods and report, if not she shows her credentials. Uh-huh, I can see where this is going. Hannah, alas, cannot and is naively excited.  Julian gives hires her on a trial basis.

Back to the flat, Jude joins Grace on vigil outside Stella’s room. Jude says how much she hates her job and wants to use a Switch to design her a portfolio – she doesn’t want to manage a shop, she wants to design for them. Stella leaves the room describing Lucy as impossible and Hannah comes in telling everyone she’s got her dream job. Jude is not amused – Hannah gets her dream job in an hour, she’s been designing for years – she needs some help and summons everyone to the cauldron. Spell time! Which leaves Stella to return to her argument, Jude to work, Hannah to her secret work (she can tell no-one – uh-huh or Stella may hit her with some common sense) and Grace to return to her vigil, poor Grace. But it’s broken by Gerry arriving to collect his guitar. Let the flirting commence.

Stella, again, asks Lucy why she’s still there and Lucy wants to know if she feels nothing at all. Stella admits they had some good times but that they were mostly bad. Lucy says she’ll change and wants to go back. She talks about how she was heartbroken – just like Stella – and how it hurt to have Stella just delete Lucy from her memory. She has regrets and wants to change that.

There follows a prolonged silence which Grace considers to be a very bad sign in the ongoing argument. She enters the room, cries out and leaves. She walked in on them having sex (and is very very impressed by Stella’s flexibility). And the news – Lucy’s moving in and Stella and she are going to give it another go.

Hannah goes on her first “mission” and successfully shop lifts despite her extreme lack of subtlety. She reports to her boss who is very impressed by the amount of loot she hauled and says they need to go back in again to check the security guard who has a bad reputation. She realises, rather belatedly, that she could get the security guard fired.

She returns to the shop to renew stealing in an extremely obvious manner. She tries to make it more and more obvious in a desperate attempt to be noticed and caught by him. Eventually attracting the attention of a kid and getting him to tell the security guard. To her relief, she’s caught. To her dismay – the store manager has never heard of the firm she says she works for (who didn’t see this coming?) She turns and runs.

Switch: Season 1, Episode 2

 After being hexed by the witches of Kensington, our witches of Camden march to a very impressive house to confront the rival witches. They open the door – and the Kensington witches greet them with squeals and hugs of happiness.

The horribly pretentious head, Alexa of the Kensington witches introduce themselves as India, Romula and Remy – her new coven. Jude is surprised, is she sure they’re new? They look just like the last 3. Which kind of wipes the smiles off their faces. Alexa explains they were practicing magic, wanted to try a hex and had a picture of the Camden coven in solstice camp – they didn’t even think it would work and she’s “totes proud of us.” They keep trying to be friendly with the Camden witches who are, obviously, not that open to the attempts at friendship. The 4 Kensington witches gather in a group and whisper a chant, at the climax of it they’re bathed in white light and the hex disappears from the Camden witches’ hands.  Alexa turns and apologises (they’re “totes sorry”) and thinks the feud has gone OTT. She offers them a truce – an entente cordiale. And she offers drinks.

Cut to all 8 witches drinking up a storm. Many many many many drinks, all of them bonding with their opposite numbers on the coven. Until, in a wave of hugs, the 4 Camden witches drunkenly stagger out, making their goodbyes. More feuds should be resolved with a drinks party. Alas, it’s not to end there and the Kensington witches happy smiles turn to glares as the Camden witches leave.

Staggering home, the witches reflect that for all their money, they’d still not entirely want the Kensington life.

At their flat life goes on – and Jude has received a final warning from her job. Stella looks at the letter and has to agree that it’s fair but Jude still wants to do something about it and points out that she has so many warnings because she hates her boss who is mean and unfair. Grace points out that they can’t use magic every time that Jude screws up at work (part of me wants to say that they did this with Stella, but I can see that Stella had bad situations forced on her while Jude is instigating hers). Stella starts to blame Jude for the huge phone bill they have (assuming he has phone sex with a Cuban guy but she protests he lives in Tooting. Why not have real sex? “Because he has a face like a slapped arse and a voice like Antonia Banderas” you’ve got to love Jude). Grace confesses it was she who ran up the phone bill constantly ringing Hannah while she was travelling. Grace also opens another letter with a final demand for the electricity bill.

Stella, den mother, lectures the group, snarking at Hannah for the back rent and making it clear they can’t get by on 2 incomes; Jude counters that she’d still have an income if they did a quick switch to get her her job back. Faced with another bill, they start casting to arrange for Jude to get a new boss – a more tolerant and friendly leader and a “hedonist just like Jude.”

Spell complete, grace gets a text from Joel asking her to go to lunch with him – today. She asks what to do – and Hannah takes her phone and “accidentally” calls him. Grace hangs up quickly – but then Joel rings her back. After much fumbling (to the amusement of the other 3) she agrees to lunch and the celebratory squeals begin.

At Jude’s work she sees Aaron who tells her Duncan, the old boss is gone – and she gets to meet the new boss, Gerry Blackwell, by swearing at him. And he’s young and cute. And he’s the most laid back, permissive boss imaginable.

Things are not going so well for Grace. Worrying about what she’s going to wear and her looks in general, she starts to trim her fringe. She makes a… rather awful job of it which both she and Hannah find horrible – as an added bonus a neighbour dumps his 2 noisy sons on her to babysit since he has a work emergency. Hannah is there to rescue – she says she’ll look after the nasty little monsters – kids – after they’ve fixed Grace’s horrible hair. Time for a Switch call.

They gather together, though Stella heckles Grace about not going to a hairdressers. To quite the screaming kids they use their hair and a TV remote to cast a quick mute spell (I would gladly sacrifice several fluffy kittens for that spell). They fix Grace’s hair and she hurries to her date (mutual awkward people date) – and Stella takes Hannah back to work with her, she has an interview for her (leaving the kids in the lobby – and pausing them. Seriously, someone get me one of these kid remotes). Hannah’s worried about being unprepared by Stella tells her to be herself.

Hannah starts out by being incredibly awkward, spouting a lot of standard copy & paste drivel from standard CVs before relaxing and riveting the interviewers with anecdotes from her many many travels.

Unfortunately, the Kensington witches are whispering their curses again – causing Hannah to start swearing and call herself a kleptomaniac and then assault the head of HR and Janet before Stella can get her out the room. Stella doesn’t blame her – instantly hitting on the Kensington witches, especially since Hannah told them she wanted to settle down and get a career.

At the awkward date she asks Joel about his life story – like his big loving family. Who died in a fire. And his ex-girlfriend who had a child – that wasn’t his, it was his best friend’s who she then ran off with. But he’s ok now…  he says. And then is very very very very clingy. He says it’s the best day of his life – but as she points out, that’s not exactly saying much. He goes on about how much he likes her – and how much he thought about ending it before he met her. Ooookay, not good.

Jude returns to work to find a massive queue – and Aaron and Gerry in the back room smoking pot. He accuses her of taking things too seriously while she protests she spends her whole life not taking things seriously. They then have a brief competition as to who’s the most radical and she challenges him to a drinking contest with over-proof rum. Last one standing wins.

Switch, Season 1, Episode 1

 4 women are gathered around preparing one of their number to go off traveling – with many dos and don’ts and lots of promises to stay in touch. Which cumulates in a magical ritual invoking the 4 elements which is extremely impressive and looks pretty damn awesome. Though, as one of them observers in the aftermath, they should really start using none stick. Then her phone rings – her taxi’s here.

Now there’s an excellent introduction.

7 months later, Stella is sobbing after a panic attack. With an apology, she sends a text to Hannah. Hannah is traveling, she’s meditating in a room full of South Asian men also meditating – when her phone goes off. She scrabbles for it while everyone gives her the death glare. The message is one word “Switch”. She hurries off.

Jude, in a shop with her friend and co-worker, Aaron pause in checking out another, very hot co-worker, Miles when she gets the same text – “Switch”. She leaves mid conversation.

Grace is flirting, rather awkwardly, with a guy in a café when she gets a message “Switch! Now! Timmy’s dead!” She leaves, the guy she’s with left talking to empty air.

At the flat Grace and Jude gleefully greet Hannah after so long apart and Hannah asks what happened. The still upset Stella tells her the body’s in the other room. Hannah goes through sees it and expresses her annoyance. “You made me get an 11 hour flight back from India because you killed a cat.” Yes, Timmy is a cat. Turns out Stella, while trying to warm up her coffee, accidentally microwaved her boss’s cat. She needs a way to bring the cat back to life or she won’t be able to cover the rent – including Jude’s rent and Hannah’s.

Speaking of, her boss, Janet arrives looking for her cat. They quickly cobble together a ritual (massacring a potted plant for earth, fighting to light something for fire – it’s gloriously ad hoc) while the boss waits in the next room. She comes in wondering what’s going on – but her cat is alive which pleases her.

It’s the only thing that pleases her. She spends the rest of the time before she leaves lacing into Stella, nagging her, attacking her, blaming her for a difficult PR account (they’re in advertising) and generally treating her like shit. Which is exactly what the other witches say when Janet leaves. Stella tries to deflect blame on Grace’s mother ringing constantly but Jude drops in a solid realisation: Grace takes shit from her mum, Stella takes shit from her boss, no difference. Stella stomps off in a huff and Grace remarks that, sometimes, when she comes home she knows Stella has been crying.

The next day everyone’s much happier as the juggle getting ready for the day (it says all you need to know about these 4 that they have a sofa in the bathroom so they can talk to the girl brushing her teeth or doing her hair). Stella and Grace are practicing for Stella standing up to her boss, Janet and Grace drops the gentle hints that she wants Hannah to hang around, especially since their spells require all of them. They discuss Hannah’s traveling and Jude adds that if Hannah is going to go away, she’d like to do another switch (spell) before she does. An enchantment. An enchantment for Jude to get the hot co-worker to look at her (she tries to play the “it’s for a friend” first but is quickly seen through)

At work Aaron leaves to angst in a corner and Miles comes in. She puts on the enchanted brooch and he’s utterly enthralled and they end up making out by the till. Much to the shock of her friend.

At work, Stella tries to stand up to Janet who constantly speaks over here and insults her until she snaps and tells Janet to fuck off. She’s fired.

Hannah, at home is trying to block out the sound of extremely loud sex coming from Jude’s room, she’s inside with Miles (coupled with the walls shaking and furniture moving) when she gets a text from Stella – Switch again. She knocks on the door until she can get Jude to see the message.

Eternal Law, Season 1, Episode 5

And this week we don’t start with a case. We start with Mrs. Sherringham disapproving of Zak’s booze and telling him they should give Tom more responibility (while worrying about him). Mrs. Sherringham watching the endless emotional angst between non-character Hannah and Zak (and worrying about it. In short, we’re set up for some glorious angst. Oh joy, let me fill my glass.

In actual plot, Tom rushes to help a female soldier who has been stabbed in the leg and gets picked up from the military base by Zak who, as is sadly recurring, treats him like a naughty child. Anyway, they end up taking the case to defend Laura (the soldier) from court martial – the allegation that her wound is self-inflicted to prevent her being shipped to Afghanistan. And it’s quickly clear that Zak has issues with soldiers and/or the military – I smells more angst I do. He was a soldier in the first world war – and he’d used his powers to save lives much against Mr. Mountjoy’s wishes. He then was tasked with saving World War 1 soldiers who were accused of cowardice and desertion – and, as any history student knows, the success rate in these cases was very very low and a lot were executed. And there we see Zak’s problem with the military

And for reasons that are completely unfathomable, Zak decides he wants Hannah (Love Interest) to assist him and not Tom. Because they’ve decided that Hannah really needs to get to know a Major who caught his buttons in her hair. Of course, protracted time together is exactly what Zak and Hannah needs. By setting Hannah up with the Major she’ll apparently stop being a distraction and temptation for Zak (because that totally works, right? Seeing the person you love with someone else completely removes them from the picture?) I dislike how this turns the already character-less Hannah into even more of a tool - a chess piece to be moved by Richard and Zak (or Mrs. Sherringham).

Being sidelined and removed from the case, Tom has a rather childish temper tantrum which is treated as such by Zak and Mrs. Sherringham. I’m really getting tired of that dynamic.

But the plot thickens and Sophie, another soldier in the regiment (and, blessedly, a POC who isn’t childlike) tells Tom that the sergeant has been coming on to Laura – and wasn’t taking no for an answer. Confronting the sergeant naturally doesn’t result in a confession but makes it clear he’s a very unpleasant person. At least we get to see a shred of what angels can do when miffed. Unfortunately, Sophie is a coward who won’t come forward to protect her friend.

And while Zak is in court doing the serious business, Tom engages in a rather bemusing bike chase through the army camp. He crashes and then gets himself in trouble laid on an unexploded mortar and needs Zak to rescue him with the help of Sophie to prove how courageous she is and redeeming herself since she was the one who caused Laura to be stabbed.

Eternal Law, Season 1, Episode 4

So we have another case and this time our angelic lawyers are playing prosecution.

And the person they’re prosecuting? Gemma, a woman whose won was murdered and who woke up in the middle of the night to find a man who was stalking her in her home – a man she then stabbed.

Oh dear, please gods don’t try to draw parallels with actual British cases here or my head may explode and I may have to force everyone to listen to me rant and rave about terrible legal reporting. No-one needs to see that, it’s not pretty.

One thing I do see touched on at least partially well is the demonising of lawyers for the cases they have to represent. Again, trying to avoid my ranting, but if lawyers only represent “nice” people and refuse to act against people who are “nice” then our legal system would very rapidly be a very very messy and useless institution. (And that’s aside from the fact that our “nice” definition is, inevitably in our prejudiced world, skewed towards the most privileged folks in society – straight, white, upper class).

Okay, enough of my rantings and on with the show!

Zak is hassled by the press for his prosecution – causing much angst and grief

Tom is torn over whether they’re doing the right thing and his sympathy for Gemma, over what she’s been to as a mother losing her son, over Gemma’s suicidal thoughts and attempts. Especially when Richard raises the idea that maybe the man she killed was the one who killed her son.

And, of course, Richard the fallen angel is there to undermine him and sew more seeds of doubt. And Richard does make a damn good case, I have to say. It’s very good to see a tempting infernal argument that is actually well done and genuinely appealing.

There follows some intriguing detective work and the truth is reveaaaaled. We have Zak doing some lovely catharsis – and Tom doing some unwise revelations which has tragic results.

And the doomsday clock started ticking. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is not a good sign

I’m not quite sure on the premise here. Yes we can play god works in mysterious ways (or Mr. Mountjoy) but to send Angels down to do his bidding but then leave the angels guessing as to what that bidding actually is strikes me as… inefficient.