The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III

One of my Facebook friends posted about this book and at first I thought that there was no way this book could possibly be real.  I trotted off to Goodreads and Amazon and sure enough, The Haunted Vagina is a real book.  Having read so many books in this genre, I'm always looking for anything quirky that brings something new and so I simply couldn't resist the lure of The Haunted Vagina.  

I don't even know where to begin with this review.  I suppose I should start by saying that I read the majority of the book with my legs tightly crossed saying, "no, no, no". I don't know about you, but the very idea of a vagina being spread wide enough to encompass a full grown man just made me never want to spread my legs ever again.  Pause and read that sentence again. A grown ass man crawled inside a vagina.  

It all begins when Steve and his girlfriend Stacy are all cuddled up and he hears a strange sound. At first he believes they left the television on and then he wonders if something is living in the walls. Finally, Stacey admits that her vagina is haunted.  That's enough for Steve to decide that he's really not interested in sex with her anymore.  Stacey, not being down with abstinence, forces Steve into doing the 69.  As Stacey reaches orgasm, a skeleton begins to crawl out of her vagina. Stacey is freaked out for awhile but it's enough to make her decide that if Steve really cares about her, he'll crawl inside her vagina and figure out what the hell is going on in there. 

For the most part, Steve is the reluctant participant in The Haunted Vagina.  He is physically put into a position to have oral sex with Stacy after explicitly saying he's not interested.  

"Same goes with oral sex. We both like to receive it, but neither of us want to give it. Normally we can compromise on oral. If I give it to her, she will give it to me. Unfortunately, I’m not willing to go near her vagina anymore. Not with my penis, not with my tongue. 

“It’s not like you have to stick your tongue inside of me,” she says. “You can just lick my glowworm.”

"Glowworm is her pet name for a clitoris. 

“It’s on the outside,” she says.

 “But still . . .” I say.

“I’ll keep my legs closed,” she says. “You won’t even hear it.” 

I don’t reply. She turns away from me and takes off her work clothes, as if I agreed. Folding her glasses and putting them back in their case. Her movements are cold and mechanical. She must be pissed. Giving me the silent treatment like the time I washed her white fuzzy coat wrong, or the time she found pictures of my old girlfriends and I wouldn’t let her throw them out. On those occasions, she ignored me and locked herself in the bedroom. On this occasion, however, she wants to get intimate. She won’t look me in the eyes as she unbuttons my shirt and pulls off my pants. She picks me up and turns me upside-down, then plops us on the bed."

The above is written as just another bizarre incident particularly given the fact that a skeleton climbs it's way out of Stacey's vagina when she begins to orgasm but make no mistake, this scene is describing a sexual assault. Steve actually says that he's been "consumed" by Stacey since the day they met. The fact that Steve enjoys the fellatio he receives doesn't negate the fact that he said no to a sexual encounter. Steve enters her vagina twice through coercion to prove his love for her.  Once he's transformed inside the vagina to some sort of creature, it only takes a month for Stacey to have sex with someone else in an attempt to drown him in another man's semen.  Yes, it's as gross as it sounds. 

Lucifer Season Two, Episode Six: Monster

Monster marks the halfway point of the second season of Lucifer. This season has all been about Lucifer's family situation.  Some of it has been funny, like Charlotte learning how to deal with the human family she has been saddled with and some sad, like Amenadiel losing his powers.  It's been an interesting dynamic to see explored so far, particularly because at least to some degree it shifts the story line away from self involvement and the damned weekly murder. 

As typical of Lucifer, Monster begins with the case of the week.  A zombie wedding is taking place in a cemetery.  The groom is shot in the arm and then the bride is murdered by a snipers bullet.  As the case progresses, a man running a food truck is similarly killed. We learn that the husband of a woman who died with lung disease is killing the spouses of those he deems responsible for his wife's death. Dan of all people feels momentarily sorry for the man when he thinks about how he would feel if Chloe died. Lucifer offers himself as a target for the sniper but the sniper shoots around Lucifer, not wanting to kill an innocent person.  This offends Lucifer, who doesn't at all feel innocent after the death of Uriel.  As it turns out, the man chose to kill innocent people because he wanted to be punished, firm in the belief that his long absences from home meant that his wife's condition went undiagnosed for far too long. 

Lucifer is in personal drama because he killed Uriel and for the first time in his long existence he feels guilty.  Lucifer's job since his fall has been to punish the evil doer when they die and now, there's no one to punish him.  This of course lines up neatly with the case of the week. Being the devil, he's absolutely certain that he deserves to be punished and simply cannot let go of the pain he is feeling.  His path to seeking justice is to act out, forcing Chloe to lay down the law time and time again.  Chloe is stern with Lucifer but she can also see that he is clearly hurting and asks him repeatedly to open up and share what is going on but Lucifer is dismissive. Finally, Chloe talks Lucifer into seeing Linda.

Lucifer begins to talk about Uriel and Linda listens patiently for a bit before the frustration overwhelms her. Though Lucifer has been upfront with everyone that he is the biblical devil, no one of course believes him.  All of the time during his counselling, Linda believed that Lucifer was talking in metaphors and structured her counselling around this.  This week, Linda believes that Lucifer will never progress if he doesn't stop the metaphors and get real with her. She demands that he be honest and despite an initial hesitation, Lucifer complies.  For the first time, Lucifer reveals his real face and this leaves Linda speechless and unable to respond.  Lucifer simply stands and leaves the room as Linda stares off into space.  It looks like Linda might need her own counselling after this.

While Chloe is trying to reign in Lucifer and solve the case, she also deals with growing pains sharing an apartment with Maze. The first sign that the two of them living together might not be such a good idea is when she discovers Trixie on Maze's sex swing which she installed in the living room of all places.  Chloe makes it clear that in order to continue to live there, Maze is going to have to start considering that they share a space with a child.  Maze of course doesn't take well to this news.

Once Upon a Time, Season 6, Episode 6: Dark Waters

This week’s flashback is back t Killian’s pirate days, back when he was still hunting down Rumple to be brutally murdered by him get his revenge.

Along the way he was kind of kidnapped by Nemo

Yes, only on Once Upon a Time can captain Hook be kidnapped by Nemo. It seems Nemo has a habit of collecting crew members who are obsessed with revenge so he can teach them that vengeance is hollow and they can all be one big happy family and he wants Killian to join him.

As part of that he leads them to get some buried treasure – a key to the Land of Untold Stories which we’re supposed to be surprised by but, really, a mysterious key? Where else was it going to go? Narnia?

In Storybrooke we focus on Henry pulling a full “not my real dad!” on Killian who has moved in with him and Emma. And that works, I like it – it’s easy to make this all very beatific and Henry totally embracing his new dad who is kind of cool and he kind of likes and looks up to. But there’s a difference between liking Killian and having him move in and act as an authority figure over Henry, especially since Henry is a teenager. Doubly on that, the paranoia of Storybrooke has Emma and Killian “watching” over Henry nearly constantly – he has little alone time and very few peers of his own age; another family figure moving in can as easily be seen as stifling as anything else

Add in that Killian is still a little alien – being someone who was never cursed, he has little grasp of pop culture, modern technology or modern life: while endearing in small amounts this has to get frustrating with prolonged exposure.

Which the EQ exploits, of course, exposing to Henry that Killian has kept the shears that can destroy Emma’s saviourness and save her life. Henry is outraged that Killian is making decision for Emma, expressly against her wishes (with more than a little resentment on his part at the control Killian has on his own life) which ends up with a lot more squabbling until they end up at the dock kidnapped by – Nemo’s men

Twist, back to the past: it turns out one of Nemo’s men who is seeking revenge is Liam #2 – Killian’s little brother. Killian killed their father and Liam was looking for vengeance until Nemo recruited him. Killian quickly realises he needs to leave – because it’s easy for Liam to let go of vengeance when the target of that vengeance isn’t actually there. Killian is right – and only Nemo getting in the way stops Killian being stabbed and allows him to escape.

Westworld, Season One, Episode Five: Contrapasso

Contrapasso marks the halfway point of season one of Westworld.  Now that we know the characters fairly well, Westworld has sped up the narrative.  Something is obviously going on with the hosts, Ford is playing his own game, and The Man is Black and Delores are looking for the center of the maze.  Each scene is filled with symbolism and clues as to where this story is going; however, each episode seems to get more and more complex. Contrapasso is the first episode not to begin with Delores but that doesn't mean that her role in the episode is small. In fact, between Delores and Maeve, some very interesting things are happening with the hosts.

Contrapasso begins with Ford having a conversation with Old Bill, about his pet greyhound. It seems that one day, Ford let the dog off the leash and it chased and killed a cat. The greyhound then sat down confused not knowing what to do next because it had accomplished the one thing it always wanted to.  This story really isn't about Ford's dog but in fact about the Hosts, whom he keeps on a tight leash, despite the fact that it costs profits because at the end of the day giving something or someone exactly what they want leads to disaster.  This is why Dolores is always destined to be raped and why Teddy is always destined to die.

In the park, Logan Head Douchebro is excited to finally get William to turn black hat. Douchebro is constantly breaking the fourth wall and talking about Westworld in front of the hosts. It seems that the company isn't doing well and so the company he either works for or owns (they've not told us which yet) intends to acquire Westworld.  In their research, they've learned that Ford had a partner who killed himself at the park named Arnold but beyond that they know nothing about him and haven't been able to find so much as a picture.  The three head to Pariah, where just as promised, it's a lot more dangerous and sexually explicit than the center of the park.  Head Douchebro hasn't been out this far into the game but that doesn't cause him to show any kind of caution.

Later, Dolores spots a vision of herself and follows it to into a parade. She hears Ford's voice saying sleep and when we see Dolores again, she is underground being interviewed.  Maybe this explains how it is that Benard has been able to seemingly pull Dolores out of the game without anyone knowing. Could it be that the hosts aren't physically in the basement and what we are seeing during the interview is a projection?  At any rate, Ford asks a crucial question, “Tell me Dolores, do you remember the man I used to be? … I’m sure you remember him — Arnold, the person that created you?”

Before we can even get excited about this big revelation, Ford starts questioning the last time Delores had contact with Arnold, speaking about Arnold in the third person.  Is Ford Arnold or not?  Is it just some identity he has run from? Dolores says that she hasn't heard from Arnold and reveals that Arnold wanted her to destroy the park.  In her head, Delores hears a voice saying,  “He doesn’t know. I didn’t tell him anything.”  I don't know about you but I'm even more confused and I didn't think that was possible. The only thing I know for certain is that Delores is the key to everything about the park, she just doesn't know it yet.

Crimson Veil (Otherworld #15) by Yasmine Galenorn

The war continues to rage in Otherworld with the D’Artigo sisters hearing more and more stressful news as the world hangs in the balance

But the D’Artigo sisters cannot focus on the tragedy and devastation in Otherworld. A Daemon cult is trafficking slaves and attempting to invoke a demigod of vice and corruption capable of unleashing utter devastation across the city. With vampire businesses targeted as well, the D’Artigo sisters have to act – they have no time to mourn; not for their father, not for the dead of Elqaneve and not for those who died in Menolly’s bar.

This book is pretty much a continuation of Autumn Whispers, the last book. So much so that they almost feel like one book especially since Autumn Whispers ended without any real ending

A lot of what I said in the last book pretty much applies to this as well – it feels like a distraction and a frustrating one at that. We have Shadowwing and his demon army trying to invade Earth. His allies are launching a huge invasion cross Otherworld. An alliance is forming to try and push them back and one of the major nations of the Otherworld has fallen. Many of the spirit seals have been lost and now need to be quickly reclaimed for fear of Shadowwing getting his hands on them, ripping over the portals and invading Earth.

And the sisters are focused on… something else entirely. There’s a possible daemon plot (daemons are different from demons), the raising of a demi-god and a kidnapping/trafficking/slavery ring as well as threats against vampire businesses and… this is all unrelated to Shadowwing and I have to ask why it is here and why are the sisters involved?

I’m not saying these events are important but they’re literally in the middle of world destroying invasion against both the Otherworld and Earth. So why is this on the sister’s to handle who already have way too much on their plate? We have Carter, the half-demon, half-titan why doesn’t he step up? Vampire businesses are being targeted, why can’t Roman take this over, since he’s the major vampire authority? Fae and other supernaturals are being kidnapped so can’t the Earthside far queens step forwards? The shapehifters?

Why aren’t the sisters trying to form their alliances against the invasion – or hunting down the spirit seals or calling on the dragonflights to honour their commitment and fly to battle. The sisters have enough on their plate without being the first responders to every single issue everywhere

The Walking Dead, Season Seven, Episode Two: The Well

The Well is an extreme change of pace from the pain of last week's season opener.  It's centered entirely at the Kingdom, a place comic book fans are already well acquainted with.

After being unconscious for two days, Morgan takes a wounded Carol to see King Ezekiel. Morgan tries to prepare Carol about what to expect but how can one prepare someone to meet King Ezekiel and his pet tiger.  Ezekiel plays his role of King to hilt and happily welcomes both Carol and Morgan on the condition that they contribute to the community.  Carol is absolutely speechless and really, who can blame her? She quickly falls into her innocent role, a role she perfected in the early days of her residency of Alexandria and flirts. For all of the falseness on Carol's part, it's clear that these two have some serious chemistry.

The moment Carol and Morgan are outside, Carol quickly drops the act and lets Morgan know in no uncertain terms that she feels the people of the Kingdom are living in some kind of fantasy.  Morgan tries to convince Carol to wait, suggesting that they can both return to Alexandria but that's not in the cards for Carol. Carol makes it clear that Morgan cannot watch her 24/7 and that as soon as she gets the chance, she's going to grab her shit and get gone.

Ezekiel is quick to pull Morgan into his inner circle.  Morgan is taken along on a trip to gather up hogs and feed them walkers.  Morgan wants to know what going on but Ezekiel is purposefully avoids Morgans questions.  The pigs it turns out are part of the Kingdom's tithe to the Saviours. Ezekiel is clearly not pleased that he has to do this, hence the fact that the pigs were fed walkers. It's a brilliant form of rebellion.  With any luck, the consumption of enough rotten meet will make the Saviours sick. Ezekiel tells Morgan that his people don't know about the tithe and that he doesn't want to burden them with the knowledge. It's clear that Ezekiel is determined to keep the fantasy going at all costs.

While Morgan is busy with the pigs, Carol makes her way through the Kingdom talking to people, playing up on her sweet innocent act, as she steals clothing and a knife.  When Morgan does finally makes his way to Carol's room to deliver supper, he finds her bed made and Carol gone.  Resigned to the fact that he can do nothing to change how Carol's feels, he takes a seat on her bed.

Vampire Diaries, Season 8, Episode 2: Today Will be Different

Enzo and Damon are still servants to the Siren Sybil though she’s getting more and more annoyed by Enzo’s resistance – even though he seems completely compliant he’s just not eager to be her happy murder bot. Damon also thinks Enzo needs to stop fighting and seems quite content to work with Sybil to turn him into a happy murder bot (he also continues to live in terror of the damnation she showed him). She pokes around in Enzo’s skill until she digs out Sarah Nelson’s name as someone he cares about. So naturally they have to kill her

Sarah Nelson? Let me put on my recap hat.

Some time ago when Damon was having his evil streak #9868757 he decided to kill lots of people including a large chunk of the Salvatore’s last living relatives. This included a prgenant lady. There was much angst over this death. Stefan decided to step in and save the baby, unknown to Damon and she became Sarah Nelson, with a chunk of money from Stefan and some advice on how to keep herself safe from vampires just in case Damon has yet another evil streak and tries to kill her for funssies

Can we even come close to address this? I mean, really? Because we’ve spent so many series trying to centre Damon as sympathetic and a good guy but he still doesn’t know who Sarah is because everyone who knew about her – including his own brother – feels that they can’t trust him not to target her in yet another of his gazillion killing sprees

Bonnie, Caroline and Stefan even refer to it this week:

“the worst thing he ever did.”
“Debateable”
“it’s on the list”

Because, yeah, he has killed so many people and done so many terrible things that they’re not even sure where massacre including pregnant ladies actually stands on his moral compass. Yet here they are trying to save him. Not the siren’s victims. Not even stopping the siren – actually no-one has made that remotely a priority. The issue is saving poor Damon

Damon and Enzo go on a killing spree of several Sarah Nelson’s tipping of Caroline and Stefan so it becomes a race to find Sarah Nelson before she is brutally murdered.

Van Helsing, Season 1, Episode 7: For Me

Alas we have a return of Dmitri, the Ancient leader of the vampires who I can’t even vaguely take seriously as a villain. Honestly, it’s nearly Hallowe’en, and there are 10 year olds in costumes who are a much much much more menacing vampire than this guy.

He has learned, beyond doubt, that Vanessa exists and she has the shiny special power of turning the vampires into humans and that Julius is plotting against his evilness. This will not stand – and he launches an invasion of his elite to claim Vanessa; watched by Mohammed who is still alive and acting as witness for various thing; including the death of one of Brandon’s survivor group who probably aren’t doing so well. As this lady is quickly killed.

Inside the hospital for some reason many people are talking about leaving. I have no particular idea why – where would they go? What do they hope to achieve? But for some reason the idea of leaving is now being floated everywhere. This is also despite the fact Vanessa has absolutely cannot move and is suffering from the bite which is making her super ill and couldn’t be moved anyway.

Of course Axel says no and ends the discussion right there so everyone can be all pouty

When Julius’s forces arrive we have a somewhat epic… not exactly battle, but we see why Axel has spent all of that time putting together all of his booby traps. The vampires are slaughtered forcing their way into the building, decimating their numbers until they pull back.

In the meantime everyone argues. They argue about whether the vampires are there for ex-high ranking vampire Flesh (they’re not) or Vanessa (they are). They

More interesting is when Doc considers the society they want to build if they actually do ever end the vampires… do they even want the old society back. It’s interesting because Axel, a white man, doesn’t even begin to understand her; but we can see why a Black woman would be less nostalgic even if living as they are isn’t hopeful

We also see the continued result of Axel assuming intimacy with Doc. He has been alone with her for 3 years – but she was a vampire all that time. He keeps doing things like touch her or talk about their future together in ways that clearly make her uncomfortable. While I think it could be interesting to explore 2 people who have radically different views of their relationship it all feels creepy because of Axel’s epicly ignoring her discomfort.