Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Secret Circle, Season 1, Episode 14: Valentine

So we begin with underwear humping between Zak and Faye, which, to be fair, is still closer to showing sex than I ever expected from the CW. It’s almost risqué. I’m sure we will have angst about this later. The way she describes this “relationship” to Melissa sounds oh-so-healthy and wise. What does sound wise is Faye’s plans for Valentines day – horror movie marathon. I may give this episode and extra fang for that suggestion alone.

In fact, I am happy to see everyone mocking Valentines day. Cassie with the “greeting card, florist, chocolatier industrial complex” Faye with the wonderful “Anti-independence day” and Melissa with the much more depressing “loneliest day of the year.”

Adam is setting new records of wet lettuceness. I cringe with contact embarrassment whenever he appears on screen. And Faye is still hanging around with voodoo guy for… I have absolutely no clue why. He has a really ugly bedroom ornament that will make her strong. Chances of this backfiring into a useless plot line? Pretty high.

Meanwhile Cassie is talking about her evil medallion that lets her use her evil powers to sense her evil father. Which is fun! She also seems to be being stalked by a ghostly burlap wearing figure – that’s a daring fashion statement. Cassie shows her action girl potential, with her great power, her dark magic and her death medallion she sees a man dressed in a robe and she screams and runs. Right to the Wet Lettuce. Cue more sogginess.

But she can feel her father getting closer… is this a good thing? Look now you’re making Adam talk sense to Cassie’s foolishness. Don’t make me agree with the Lettuce.

And Jake? Jake is meeting with the witch hunters again. Head, meet desk. Why he would even listen to one of these I have no clue! But the witch hunter claims that the evil medallion is evil and they must get rid of it. Showing that he may be weevil himself but he isn’t entirely a fool. Oh and though Jake saw the past, he totally misinterpreted the whole stabbing and throat cutting thing and it was all Cassie’s evil father’s fault (I suppose if he’s going to show up I should call him by name, Richard). Uh-huh, is this a desperate attempt to put the canon back together?

Just in time for Cassie to consult him about obscure symbols on her hallucination/ghost’s robes. Apparently it’s the symbol of the Nedaros coven – really oooooold witch coven, dead, ghostly witches. To differentiate them from the Child Circle and the Parent Circle and the Elder Circle, this will now be known as the Crusty Circle. Apparently the Crusty Circle was killed by Evil Father and he used the medallion to steal their powers – and now the medallion is working all the dead witches who lost their magic are coming to get their shiny back. Or so says the Witch Hunter who Jake is STILL TALKING TO?

And then we get the slumber party with Faye and Melissa. And Chief Scooby Diana who shows up to the horror movie sleep over because… why again? Is this Melissa’s new role? Try to drag Diana and Faye together now she’s not connected to the Wet Lettuce? Ah, no, her new role is that of drug pusher, trying to get Chief Scooby on her happy Devil’s Spirit (which is honestly mellow and herbal guys! Don’t mind the name, it’s totally harmless!) There follows drugged out bad ideas and drugged out magic. And then Voodoo guy shows up because Faye simply MUST have her voodoo thing fixed RIGHT now. And then Cassie shows up and they’re not even trying to make up a reason why now.

And then the 4 witches get out the Ouija board. Really? I thought they were going to watch horror movies not star in one. Isn’t peddling in the occult kind of redundant when you’re a witch? And they decide to make it even better by using the evil medallion!

Deciding people are having far too much fun, Cassie decides to go see Wet Lettuce, there’s bound to be less fun wherever he’s around. But, the evil medallion strangles her while driving because the Crusty ghosts want their magic back and she has a dramatic car wreck in her giant lumbering thing. Seriously, does she go on safari on a weekend in that monstrosity? How does a teenager who doesn’t work even afford to run that?

Getting out of the wreck, she sees a ghost and chases it through the woods. It’s at this moment even Elena and Sookie would turn round and say “girl, what ARE you doing?!” I think this gets a special prize for Spunky Agency. She even follows the ghosties to the abandoned church – where they were murdered and have more power.

Don’t worry, Adam and Jake to the rescue! And Adam has a knife! Anyone want to remind the Wet Lettuce that he’s a witch and with 2 members of his circle? Y’know, magic? May be more effective on ghosts perhaps? Instead he gets possessed and we have a tense stand off that ends when Cassie crushes the medallion with her bare hands! Uh… whut? When did Cassie become super woman? She can not just bend but CRUMBLE metal? What? This allows Jake to go see his witch hunter and learn *gasp* that the witch hunter has a hidden agenda. No? Really? No! Surely not! I am shocked! Shocked by this turn of events!

While Cassie is going all Spunky Agency, Melissa and Diana are having an almost comic argument as to who is the better BFF for Melissa (it’s not like Melissa exists outside one of these 2, after all) all the while forgetting her presence while Melissa has a drug overdose.

We have a summation of Lee, the Voodoo guy apparently trying to get his girlfriend out of a coma, Melissa, Diana and Faye being all friendly and Wet Lettuce being a Wet Lettuce

I think, above everything else, what this episode shows is that not only do the characters have the collective intelligence of a guppy – and a not very intelligent guppy at that – but that they are incapable of learning since they keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again.