Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Vampire Diaries, Season 5, Episode 14: No Exit

Damon and Enzo have invited a local farmer and his wife to host them – well be dinner anyway, but Enzo thinks this is no reason to not show good manners towards one’s host. It’s good to see a vampire with standards in these wayward times. He’s also keeping a close eye on the clock to see how long Damon can go before he needs his vampire blood after the little oopsie last episode.

The farmer them wakes up – their solution to Damon’s little problem is to turn people into vampires for Damon to eat. Well, it’s one way to make it work. They also have a bet about whether the farmer’s wife left him or not – and yes, I was totally wrong and laughed. Enzo’s also not impressed by Damon’s attempts to scare him off.

I take it all back, get Damon off the redemption train, cut everyone else, let’s just follow Enzo and Damon on their evil little tour of mayhem, they’re just so much fun together! It also shows how very much Dr. Wes didn’t think things through

Alas it’s not to be and we have to deal with Stefan helping Kathlena study for her history test. Katherine is still the worst at being undercover and reveals her in depth, detailed knowledge of history (though I semi-agree with her take in the treaty of Westphalia) that there’s absolutely no way Elena knew (because she never actually went to school unless there was a dance, ball, party, founder’s parade etc – which was, admittedly, every 3 weeks). This is interrupted by Caroline bringing in some research from her mother (who will always be Founderella to me) that basically confirms that Damon is eating vampires. Stefan has a bit of a guilt trip and Caroline is still clearly uncomfortable with Kathlena’s eager chasing of Stefan.

Tyler calls Caroline and apparently the incident with him being pissed at her over sleeping with his mother’s murderer has evolved into “when he nearly killed you” in Stefan’s eyes which is an interesting… reinterpretation of events. Anyway, he’s worried about the disappearing Matt after Nadia was playing compulsion games with him. Caroline decides this is a great time for her and Tyler to work together to find him despite Tyler loathing her right now – because you really want to spend more quality time with the woman who embraced the murderer of your mother and a substantial number of your friends, right?

Kathlena contacts Nadia because the whole Matt disappearing thing was totally not part of her awful awful plan to hang around in the middle of nowhere with people who will very soon guess she’s not Elena especially since she’s really really bad at undercover work. Nadia wants to recompell him to forget once the vervain has left his system, Katherine just wants him dead. I kind of want him dead too – but only because he is a completely unnecessary, dull character. Nadia isn’t on board with killing people to keep the secret especially since Katherine is doing such an utterly awful job of it herself, she’s rather stay and canoodle with Matt; once she knows what it means anyway

Enzo and Damon have been followed by Dr Wes (who has to die) and his friendly pack of travellers who chant them into being trapped in the house. The plan is to trap them both in the house and see how long Damon can go before he munches on Enzo. Alas they even covered the throw things out the window plan. Has anyone tried the roof?

Enzo is very calm since that lets them plan and suggests Damon call some of his friends to help – which Damon refuses. Enzo, very rightly, points out he is valuing his pride about Enzo’s life and/or isn’t willing to risk his friends but willing to risk Enzo.

Instead they go for plan B which is to chain Damon up. This farmer has chains in his house. Hey don’t judge a man on his hobbies and proclivities! So they chain Damon to a rather flimsy looking wooden chair – I see a flaw in this plan. I could break that chair, Damon certainly can. Enzo takes the time to lecture Damon on his habit of running whenever there’s a problem but Damon counters when he stays he destroys things. Also true.

Stefan and Kathlena are on a road trip to find Damon and Kathlena sabotages their car so Stefan can then get oily fixing it and she can deliberate get herself all greasey as well on the plan of hiring a hotel room so they can show and clean up. Yeah, 500 years and this is the best you can do, Katherine? Porn movies have more plausible plots to get their characters in bed.

To the hotel, pouring hard liquor (of course) and Stefan says how much he’s sure Damon is redeemable because he too knows the horrendous pain of an Elena break up; and dodges Kathlena’s attempt to flirt with him, leaving her alone to get a call – from Enzo using Damon’s phone (much to the restrained Damon’s annoyance). Of course it’s Kathlena so when Stefan asks if anyone called (vampire hearing on the blink), Kathlena says no-one.

Evil Dr. Wes ups the ante by shooting Enzo in the shoulder for lots of blood scent. You’d think the Travellers would be getting a sore throat by now. Anyway the blood tips Damon over the edge and he manages to break the chains (also showing off his super strength which is still not nearly impressive as this flimsy wooden chair having more tensile strength than steel chain. This farmer did not shop at Ikea). Damon chows down on Enzo while Wes watches, Enzo begging the whole while but there’s another twist. Wes has also had the witches raise the acidity of Enzo’s blood – which has Damon on the floor gasping in agony and Enzo alive. Because Wes still has plans for him

Wes Wes Wes, stop poking immortal killing machines, it will not end well for you.

Damon encourages Enzo to go with Wes so he will be safe – and Enzo does.

While all this has been going on, Caroline and Tyler’s awkward investigation lasts 2 seconds when Matt and Nadia show up on the doorstep claiming they’ve been off on a sexy break. Uh-huh, Caroline isn’t buying it either but Matt’s on vervain so immune to compelled questions. And he invites Nadia in and explains it all drinking hard liquor as everyone does in this town – seriously no-one drinks wine or beer; it’s whiskey or get out.  Caroline doesn’t buy it especially given how Nadia buried Matt alive, but Nadia hits back at Caroline of all people being judgy over sleeping with people who have done evil things. Touché. Game, Set, Match Nadia methinks. Caroline tries to appeal to Tyler who a) isn’t Caroline’s biggest fan and b) points out Matt has already done a tour of Europe with Rebecca of all people so it’s not like there isn’t precedence – and he leaves.

Anyway, back to Kathlena and Stefan and she continues to flirt, even manages to get a kiss out of him before he backs off; he doesn’t want to play post-break-up fling. Having failed again, Kathlena calls Nadia to tell her what she’s learned about Damon and the “Ripper” virus (no, Vampire Diaries, you’ve already used Ripper once. You can’t use it again. Go with Revenant or something). Anyway, Kathlena’s new plan is to get Damon to attack her and have Stefan kill Damon to save her.

Now, plans like this is why everyone in this damn town drinks whiskey like water. Rather than wait and try and build a relationship with Stefan, Kathlena would rather risk her life at the hands of a super vampire to short cut the process with lots of angst? When she hangs up Matt asks why Nadia went to all this trouble to save a mother who rather obviously doesn’t give a damn about her? They compare awful mother stories and Nadia confirms that Matt is now vervainless. Since she’s going to wipe his memory he decides to kiss her first (after all, romance with your kidnapper is totally mild for Vampire Diaries). This sparks something and Nadia kisses him passionately and they do it on the coffee table (careful, many coffee tables are surprisingly flimsy) or pretend to – Matt tries to text for help while making out with Nadia.

Yeah, if you can send a text message and make out at the same time, you’re not giving the latter sufficient attention. Nadia notices, she isn’t amused and says how awful it was since he was the only decent person in town. Yeah, warning people that your friend is possessed by evil and about to risk her life to get someone else killed? That’s not generally an “indecent” thing to do. And he’s sure she’s a good person as well…

She wipes his memory. But as she leaves she runs into Caroline who got the partial text which Matt now doesn’t remember. They fight and Caroline can’t really stand up to a vampire 500 years older than her – then Tyler gets involved as well; claiming young hybrid beats old vampire. She breaks something in him and throws him across the room – apparently not. She leaves in a blur while he whimpers in pain on the floor.

In the aftermath, Tyler apologises to Caroline; everyone sleeps with massmurderers, what’s a little screwing of the guy who killed his mum, really? At least he isn’t ready for it to be, as Caroline puts it, “good together”.

Damon is moping in the house when Kathlena and Stefan arrive. Damon is angsty, Stefan isn’t afraid (because there’s a magical barrier between them). Kathlena puts her plan in motion and steps over the barrier. Followed by Stefan (so even if Damon isn’t dangerous they’re now ALL stuck in the house) and cuts herself, no really. Urging Damon to control his hunger and prove he’s not a lost cause.

Yeah that doesn’t work out. He bites her. Kathlena kicks a wooden pointy thing at Stefan gasping that Damon’s going to kill her – Stefan doesn’t pick it up, instead going for a shard of glass to cut himself and, after luring Damon away with the scent of blood, snapping Damon’s neck while he focuses on the cut.

Damon wakes up chained up in the Salvatore house. Damon tells him what a very very bad idea it is. Stefan is sure he knows exactly what Damon feels because he was a ripper (which is why they can’t use the same word) and he’s totally not giving up on Damon. But Damon points out Kathlena did – and he knew exactly what Kathlena was doing, including kicking Stefan the stake. Stefan tries to dismiss it – but looks thoughtful.

Kathlena goes to have dinner with a very grumpy Nadia who is very much not feel Kathlena’s joy over having a “moment” with Stefan. Nadia is mopey because Tyler bit her… and werewolf/hybrid bites are fatal.

Stefan and Caroline meet to drink some more hard liquor (of course), Caroline to dumper her woes and Stefan to confirm that, yes, “Elena” is acting kind of weird. They put together Matt’s “help K” message, the odd behaviour and the fact Katherine intended to jump bodies into Nadia before the plan changed – and come to the obvious conclusion

Hey, doesn’t every supernatural dead person pass through Bonnie to the Other side? If she weren’t in the plot box you could ask her if Katherine is actually dead.

I’m actually almost AMUSED by this episode pointing out how many people have jumped into romances or sexual affairs with people who have been unbelievably evil. Does it gets points for lampshading its own awful writing?

Oh Vampire Diaries I’m not even mad with your ridiculous plots any more – I’m just rolling with it. Of course, this could be that I’ve just watched Tomorrow People and they make Kathlena look like a positive genius.

Is anyone going to dig Bonnie up from the plot box at all? It’s been a few episodes.

And is a hybrid stronger and more powerful than an older vampire or is it just their bite that makes them super dangerous? And how does that compare to old super vampire Damon who was already barely a match for newly turned super vampire?

And does any of this matter because it doesn’t matter what power levels Vampire Diaries establishes, they’re quite happy to change them on a whim?

I also want to know why Caroline and Nadia have each other’s information stored in their phones. Do they even know each other?

And if I were Damon I’d rip out Stefan’s throat just for assuming he knows what Damon’s going through. How does he know what kind of hunger the new weird serum does? How can he begin to know his own lack of any kind of control with human blood (which Damon CAN control – when he chooses to) is comparable?