Opening with Stefan, in bed, in a vest. Y’know, if he’s going to be boring and mopey he could at least be shirtless, boring and mopey. I’m just saying.
Stefan is learning that handing over a vampire to a vampire hunter to torture for information is a really really really bad idea. Most people probably would have realised this a bit sooner, but no-one on Vampire Diaries is particularly well known for their reasoning skills. Surprisingly Enzo is being quite close lipped. But he did reveal there are vampires in Savannah (which is where Stefan is hiding)
He’s also babysitting new vamp Ivy who has a bad case of melodrama and ate Stefan’s boss. Oh, Ivy, call us when you’ve hit your 10th kill, then someone may care (just kidding. You could munch on an entire school bus and no-one would care). She’s really really hungry and Stefan is really not all that supportive. She’s outraged and horrified about being a killer and doomed to kill again (no, really, Ivy no-one on this show cares about murder). Stefan decides to help her deal with this by breaking her neck and looking really put out.
To Alaric’s class where they talk about a party they’re having at a corn maze (with a theme of some civil war soldier who killed his brother for sleeping with his wife which led to a white clad blood stained ghost lady. Just once I want a ghost story about a woman in yellow) – their college is just like their school! No classes and endless parties! During which we get Liv and Tyler not!flirting (she said no, Tyler, stop) and Elena asking Alaric to come to the party because Reasons. She also invites pointless new love interest Liam because Elena does this every time there’s a party. There are militaries that are less gung ho about recruitment than Elena when there’s a party to attend.
Back to Ivy and Stefan - while she’s dead he rams her body in a trunk and delivers her to Caroline. Caroline and Stefan argue about whose mess Ivy is while she’s right there in the room (because they’re terrible people). Stefan also whines about him Ivy needs to learn control because Trip is a super vampire hunter (hey, maybe you could have let Enzo kill him? Maybe? Aaaargh these people!)
For more fun, Ivy decides that all these terrible revelations about being a vampire take second place to poking Caroline’s denial about clearly having a thing for Stefan and she really really wants to go to the party. She’s gone from “I killed someone! I’m a killer!” to “cool, party!” in like 3 hours. She quickly caught up with the Vampire Diaries spirit of things. And she breaks Caroline’s neck while she’s distracted so she can go out. This leads to Caroline calling Stefan and making snarky comments about the upcoming murders.
Oh party time – and Elena has also invited the Dr. Jo Laughlin she technically volunteers for (seriously, it’s like a compulsion with her. There’s a party, she invites the whole state. And why is she inviting people anyway, it’s not like she organised it) to try and set her up with Alaric. Because setting up two of your teachers isn’t weird
But Alaric is too busy drinking booze and snarking with Stefan (he went to get a daylight ring from Luke, because Luke is everyone’s servant now) and now wants Alaric to compel Ivy to leave – Alaric is more pissed off that Stefan lied to him about looking for Damon and kicks him out.
Ivy practices eating people but forgets the whole memory erase afterwards. If only there were an experienced vampire who gave a damn to help.
Alas, back to the party where Liam and Elena flirt (there are not enough words in the English language to describe how little I care about these two) and Alaric shows up to see Dr. Jo (who is scared of the undead which I think is the show’s attempt at irony) and both realise that they’re way too old for the party and they’re being set up by a student which is super duper weird.
And in a dramatic and terrible co-incidence, the guy Ivy bit runs into the road in front of a car driven by Tyler (who is reading his text messages) – who runs him over and then ploughs through the corn maze before crashing
Lots of people are injured, some apparently dying (sounds like a werewolf curse trigger). Liam tries to help someone but he thinks she’s dying, Elena takes over, sends him off and gives her vampire blood. Tyler calls Elena in a panic about possibly becoming a werewolf again (oh and killing people? Y’know, dead people? Maybe?)
Liv joins Tyler where the look at the dying guy he hit and worry about werewolfness. Meanwhile Dr. Jo has recruit Alec to help her treat the wounded and he’s having blood control issues. Tyler and Liv call Dr. Jo about how to help the guy Tyler hit and her medical advice is “hold his hand until he dies”.
Tyler continues to fret about becoming a werewolf - so Liv holds the guy’s nose and mouth, suffocating him. Now Tyler didn’t kill him, Liv did (this guy was kind of collaboratively killed by Tyler, Liv and Ivy). Elsewhere, Liam actually saves someone with medical skills. But as they’re leaving, he notices the girl Elena saved with vampire blood. Elena kisses him later to avoid talking about it
Caroline meets up with Stefan and learns Stefan was actually going to abandon Ivy – he wants to start over so decided to just dump her on Caroline.
Aftermath, Dr. Jo tells Alaric how hot he is and let’s all have a relationship and Alaric compels her to forget that and think they had an awful time together because AAAAANGST. And it doesn’t work…
Ivy is found and captured by vampire hunter Tripp. Every vampire in town now knows this guy is a vampire hunter. Is there a reason he’s not dead? Her kidnapping is watched by Caroline
Tyler goes to see Liv to let her know everyone else lived so no wolfy Tyler though she really doesn’t want to talk about killing someone
To the otherside where Damon is all hopeful and happy about seeing Elena again soon but Bonnie’s still not very happy about letting the murderous Kai out (because she is the one person who cares about murder on this show. Some murder. Some of them time. It still makes her a better person than everyone else).
Damon digs a pit (apparently necessary) but Bonnie isn’t co-operating and demands to see the spell. When Kai refuses she challenges his to take her magic using his special woo-woo; he tries and she makes some intense eye contact before he lets go and she reveals he doesn’t know any spell. Which means they don’t need him – so she murders him.
Wow… go Bonnie. Go Bonnie. That move even shocked Damon.
Bonnie’s done some thinking. The Gemini coven imprisoned Kai there so there’s no way they’d give him the key. She decides a Bennet spell was used to create the prison which is why her Grams sent them there. She does her woo-woo using her blood and the artefact Kai had (and is that chemistry between Bonnie and Damon? Are we going there?) Unfortunately Kai isn’t dead and he shoots Bonnie with a crossbow. Apparently he can’t die in his little prison. They struggle (why is Damon and Kai wrestling a struggle? Did he forget his vampire strength? Even Ivy can snap necks)
In a moment of classic Bonnie self-sacrifice – she uses her magic to send Damon out of the prison, leaving her behind.
Stefan angsts in his family crypt about Damon being lost – and Damon appears
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Can we have one storyline where Bonnie DOESN’T sacrifice herself for others? She’s not even supposed to like Damon (and yes, I saw the budding relationship)! Enough with her eternal self-sacrifice and service!
Oh Ivy, there is so much wrong here. She is a new vampire, she was Stefan’s girlfriend, she was dragged into their messy lives and now everyone treats her like she’s an incredible burden. There is not a shred of humanity in how Caroline or, especially, Stefan regard her. She’s a nuisance for Stefan and he even tried to get Alaric to make her leave – she’s only 2 days (at most) a vampire and he’s trying to get rid of her?
And the way Ivy acts makes no sense. Ivy is a traumatised new vampire… who cares about Caroline and Stefan. Honestly “I’m a new vampire and just killed someone” and she has one teeny tiny neurone to spare for Stefan and Caroline? And then she wants to party? She’s also been dead for, at most, 2 days and she’s already snapping necks? Really?
And Liv and Tyler – ye gods it was cringeworthy! “I’m going to be a werewolf! I’m going to be a werewolf! Woe!” what about the guy who is going to be a ghost? Can you at least pretend to care? It’s actually hilarious how little people on this show care about murder
I can understand being pissed off at Stefan for lying – but it really shows how unable everyone is to deal with grief on this show that Stefan actually MOVING ON because his brother is dead (and none of them know any different) is considered a vast betrayal (while everyone else is partying and going to college – this isn’t betrayal though?)