Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Kalona's Fall (House of Night #11.5) by P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast

I think the easiest way to sum up this short story is to re-write it in a way that makes sense (for House of Night anyway). So I’m reading Mother Earth as a troll who absolutely loathes Nyx while Nyx is that House Guest who won’t take a fucking hint (she taught Nyx everything, clearly). I can now follow the plot which now seems a lot more coherent. So:

Mother Earth: Ah Earth, so peaceful and special, just me and my children…

Nyx: Helooooooooooooo

Mother Earth:… you’re still here? All the other immortals fucked off years ago

Nyx: No, I’m going to stay here forever and ever…

ME: Oh. Yay. And I see you have tattoos now

Nyx: Aren’t they wonderful

ME:… yes… I’m sure. In no way does it look like a sugar high six year old was let loose on you with a sharpie.

Nyx: Look the book has illustrations!

ME: Thankfully that means less text.

Nyx: I love Earth and my fae just love frolicking here

ME: You mean your slaves that exist to serve you love taking holidays as far away from you as they can possibly get? Funny that…

Nyx: I’m just so lonely…

ME: I wish I was… I know, if I give you a companion you can spend more time anywhere I’m not. Sun, Moon, get down here and create some poor sap to endure Nyx!

Nyx: Oh thank you! Hey, they’ve created two?

ME: Oh, how surprising. I totally didn’t do that on purpose so they would both compete for your affections and drive you to distraction. Not At All.

Erebus: Hi Mother Earth!

ME: Oh charming wonderful boy, welcome!

Kalona: Hi Mother Earth!

ME: you can fuck right off, arsehole.

Kalona: I’m like 5 minutes old…

ME: like I give a fuck? Enjoy the head games, kiddies. Hey, do you know what would make this more fun? If I give these 10 minute year old beings super powers and make them use those powers to compete for your affections, Nyx! Because new borns competing for mummy’s love AND wifey’s love with super powers is bound to create a stable relationship

Nyx: Uhhhh if you say so Mother Earth.

Erebus: I love this plan

ME: Oh you beautiful, wonderful boy!

Kalona: Ok, I’ll try

ME: I’m going to have humans invent lego just for you to walk on, Kalona.


Mother Earth then retreats to the distance to watch it all fall apart while cackling away and occasionally mixing the pot a bit more.

On top of that we have the White Bull dropped into the plot because no-one can actually have developed motivations in this series without the evil cow throwing in some woo-woo to be blamed (allowing the inevitable redemption to happen).

We also have some Native Americans providing woo-woo. Yes, providing woo-woo to gods and god like beings. There’s a shaman here who dances and chants all the time. I don’t think he can even move without dancing. He also has no idea what anything smells like because all he smells is burning sage. Always burning sage.