Witches of East End, Season 2, Episode 13: For Whom the Spell Tolls

 

Ingrid is Nikolaus’s prisoner and he’s apparently just finished torturing her in the name of punishing her to make her obedient. This is something he’s done a lot with Frederick in the past (which explains a little of Frederick’s general desperate actions). He now tries to play good guy to Ingrid. As a bonus point he reveals that Ingrid is pregnant – with Dash’s baby or the Mandragora’s?

Like any good villain he monologues his evil scheme – to steal the powers of his offspring. He’s already stolen Ingrid’s. Like any good villain monologue, this is overheard by Frederick. He tries to stab Nikolaus and ends up stabbing himself instead. He’s never the most effective guy around.

Tarkoff still has Joanna prisoner and drugged – but he’s not in the present, he’s just created a duplicate of her room back in the 1840s. He talks about his plan to rape her. While drugging her constantly he eventually runs out and has to restock the opium from a random stereotypical Chinese extra and, in doing so, is spotted by Freya (she and Wendy have been fluttering around panicking about being stuck in the past and not achieving much but eating up episode minutes). Wendy follows him in cat form and smacks him over the head (he can’t read the thoughts of a cat is the excuse for his telepathy not warning him). They drug Tarkoff and escape.

While they’re doing that, Freya and Edgillian have some romance angst. Of course.

In the present, Raven the FBI detective has some input from her colleague – the body of the man Dash killed has similar gunk on him as she found in Fairhaven. Dash, missing his evil grimoire, invites her over. She arrives and he accuses her of taking his journals – which she denies. He aims for hyper creepy sexual threats. Except she’s not playing any more, she has a warrant and 5 federal agents

Anyway Ingrid and Frederick (who Nikolaus has just left behind) hurry to Fairhaven to join Dash – (the FBI have apparently been and gone - it should take them DAYS to search a house of that size – and Dash promises Ingrid to keep her out of the murder investigation), looking for his books. Which he doesn’t have. He does say he read them all which means Frederick and Ingrid can read them out of his mind.

Frederick reads Dash’s mind and chants an odd language that Ingrid translates as they figure out which spell they need (as an aside, I wish they’d decide which language the witches use – the Beauchamp family seems to alternate between at least 3).

Just as she finds the right spell they also get a message from a witch – he passes on a letter written by Wendy and Freya to pass on over 100 years in the future (yet again we see long lived witches, yet again no explanation of Dash and Killian) so Ingrid can help them all get back.

In the past everyone runs to the time door, chased by Tarkoff – WHY IS HE NOT DEAD?! You had him helpless right there?! Or kill him now – there are three of you?! Ingrid opens the time door but Tarkoff manages to destroy the box before they escape.

Seriously. That damn box was the whole point of this whole time travelling adventure and you break it because Joanna can’t hold onto it or kill her enemies? AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Frederick again pledges his loyalty and you can totally trust him this time. Nikolaus then magically kidnaps Wendy, planning to strip the powers of them and kill them one by one. Meanwhile Ingrid reveals their convenient plan B from the grimoires – a spell that needs the 4 Beauchamp women to kill Nikolaus. Frederick doesn’t have the necessary special powers (because a grimoire in Dash’s house has a spell designed for these four because REASONS) – he does have puppy dog eyes though and he uses them.

Thankfully for the gang, Nikolaus has fallen into exposition taunting of Wendy rather than actually getting on with the power stripping. He tries to taunt Wendy with what a terrible mother she’d be – she’s not impressed. She doesn’t need to be a mother to know she cares deeply and passionately for the people she loves. She definitely wins the banter round.

The Beauchamps go to confront Nikolaus and assault him with chanting from every side. Ingrid’s power begins to return. A few more lines and he collapses to the floor. Wendy goes to the body but Tommy is dead (um… can we make sure? Decapitation? Burning? Please?)

Random distraction – Raven arrests Dash for murder.

Killian is still dying so Ingrid and Freya go check on him. He’s dead… why do I think this isn’t permanent? She kisses him and glowing… aww come on, when did I enter a Once Upon a Time episode? Yes he lives, they kiss and begin humping on his death bed.

And Frederick is dead – some woman (I bet Raven) killed him and scrawled “death to witches” in his blood.

Witches of East End, Season 2, Episode 12: Box to the Future

Killian takes his Romeo & Juliet potion (note he’s actually just taken something from people he has no reason to trust and they even told him it was poison. Oh this show and the decision making) which comes with bad skull CGI effects. It also comes with a dream of Freya telling him she’s alive and gives him a big, hellaciously ugly flower and tells him to call Ingrid. He wakes up and staggers to his phone

Ingrid’s still pretending to her granddad and brother Frederick that she’s totally on their side, honest when she gets the call from Killian that a) he’s poisoned himself and b) a red flower with long roots and a REALLY vague description may be useful for saving him. Ingrid is a better person than I since she agrees to rush over to help rather than arrange his funeral.

Thankfully Ingrid knows exactly what flower they meant though it only delays the inevitable. He has to keep taking it and he drops the bottle. You had one job!

Evil granddad is having trouble maintaining the body he’s possessing and making it look like him. Frederick is also pretty sure that Ingrid has “doubts” with all the time she’s spending with “Bastien” (apparently Dash in a former life). Granddad resolves to do something, probably evil.

He goes to visit a confused Dash and ties him to a chair (I’m impressed that his kidnapping spell has such elaborate knotwork). Evil King Nikolaus rants on about how Bastien was all ruthless and evil when it came to getting what he wanted – and he was loyal to the king; he wants him to be loyal again and leave Ingrid alone.

When he leaves Ingrid arrives and Dash tells her all bout the evil King’s ultimatum and she plans to use some deep dark magic by unburning Dash’s dark magic journals. Yes, unburning. Which they do. She leaves the evil books in Dash’s hands – which is such a bad idea.

When Ingrid goes home Nikolaus confronts her – pins her to a wall then makes her disappear so Frederick can’t see. Because Frederick thinks his grandfather is good. Because Frederick isn’t the brightest spark.

To the Beauchamps in the past and Wendy and Joanna have an excellent sister moment, reflecting on the past and considering killing their father – Joanna has an excellent line on revenge not actually bringing them peace – killing their dad is all about protecting themselves form what he will do next.

Anyway Joanna runs off to collect the Spirit box which is why they went to the past in the first place and Wendy has lost the key to the time door. Which is very very bad. While looking at the key, Freya runs into Edgar Allen Poe (Killian in a past life) and she sees him as Killian even though Wendy clearly doesn’t. They then have to get the key off past Wendy because she sticks it in her bra – why? Is this a habit she has, stuffing random objects in her bodice?

Witches of East End, Season 2, Episode 11: Poe Way Out

Last episode Joanna decided to solve all her problems by time travelling to the distant past and Ingrid decided that she’d rather get to know her evil grandfather than support her mother.

This is not a family known for its common sense. They’re lucky Dash and Killian are around, they tend to make the Beauchamps seem sensible – Killian has decided to track down the family of the woman who was magically enslaving and raping him.

So Joanna, Freya and Wendy are in Baltimore in 1848 wearing very out of place clothing. They’re there to pick up a powerful weapon to kill the king with – one that Joanna once used to kill Freya. Well that was tactful. Freya is, astonishingly, not thrilled by this news.

They go to a brothel/opium den the Beauchamps owned at the time so they can get clothes and clumsily dodge past versions of themselves (Joanna apparently an opium addict because she’s mooning after Victor. Which is kind of hilarious because Victor died in the present and Joanna completely forgot about him two episodes afterwards).

Anyway, they have 12 hours to leave or ill-defined bad things will happen because time travel is bad. We also get another story of Freya’s past life and why Joanna has to kill her – involving Killian trying on a new wardrobe and different accent. That past life is as Edgar Allen Poe. Past Freya predicted his future which is “we shall have sex” – I must be psychic because I predicted exactly the same thing!

Past Freya broke the sacred code and told Killian/Edgar that she was a witch which was inspiration for him but also naughty/bad/wrong. Also, since Edgillian got writers block Freya decided to open a door to the great beyond for inspiration (did I mention the bad decisions these people make?) which gets her possessed by a serial killer. When Wendy tries to deal with it, Freya kills her (a temporary issue with Freya). Ingrid turned to Joanna who was too stoned to be helpful so he calls a friend who has a box called an Anima; when someone possessed looks in the spirit is ripped out (hence why it’s useful against evil granddaddy). But the host also dies, alas. Something Ingrid accepts even knowing it will kill her because she knows she will be reborn – but she also needs Joanna to pull herself together since she wants her to be present and capable when raising them

That’s the first time someone finally recognised that death for the daughters was a temporary inconvenience. A shame Victor didn’t remember that when sacrificing himself for Freya.

So they used the box, killed Freya then future Joanna claimed the box (which past Joanna remembers).

Witches of East End, Season 2, Episode 10: The Fall of House Beauchamp

Freya and Ingrid are hanging from the trees and the Beauchamps are consumed with grief. And very not happy with Freddie.

They lay out the girls for a beautiful funeral ceremony and Wendy tries to comfort her sister, brainstorming any ideas she can to try and bring the daughters back (yes they will be reborn, but each incarnation is different).

Killian and Dash are both still alive. Killian briefly considers killing his brother but decides not to for dramatic reasons. Dash then realises his little body hiding spell has broken as well.

Killian goes to the bar where Freddie is already drinking and still nursing a grudge about whatever it was past life Killian did to him (apparently he was the one who corrupted Freddie). There’s a brief and pointless bar fight basically to remind us Freddie hates Killian and blames everything on him because Freya’s relationships need more drama

Killian hurries to the Beauchamp house and joins the musical montage of grief. It’s beautiful and moving and horrifying as Joanna in her bath tub slits her wrists to the music and Killian’s grief and Wendy’s helplessness. She does find her sister and use her magic to heal her before she dies. Joana is enraged by Wendy stopping her but Wendy is most definitely not letting Joana suicide and they have one of those wonderful moments that really sell their sisterhood.

Killian goes to the home he shared with Eva and breaks a statue in a fit of rage and grief – only it is then whole again. And Dash joins him for help with the whole not-so-hidden body thing, because Killian is going to be so eager to help out. Dash leaves and Killian finds a message from Eva on the bottom of the statue. He goes to the address there (because when grieving for dead loved ones, treasure hunts are the in thing). There he finds a shop and a man there who knows his names and is praying to the Orishas (so a Yoruba based religion – santeria, candomble etc). Killian decides to follow the man’s instructions and get his hand stabbed – and an Eva clone steps out the back room to heal him – she’s Ana, Eva’s great-granddaughter.

Wendy continues the trend of turning to the last person you think will help – and goes to see Freddie to help with Joanna. By freeing their evil dad, the king, and having him resurrect Freya and Ingrid. This strikes me as a bad plan. A very bad plan.

Witches of East End, Season 2, Episode 9: Smells Like King Spirit

Ok, let’s clear the B storylines first:

Dash is having massive temper tantrums because Ingrid doesn’t want to return his calls. Dash does kind of epitomise the entitled, spoiled, rich kid doesn’t he? His tantrums reveal a hidden stash of letters and books from his evil grandfather – that would be the evil grandfather who was in a relationship with evil past!life Ingrid. There’s even a photograph of her.

He tracks down Ingrid because her not returning his calls is STILL not a big enough hint to ask about his evil-granddad’s journals. Ingrid explains the whole cursed rebirth thing and past lives. Dash also realises his mother was over a century old and that Ingrid had sex with his grandfather- but thankfully Ingrid is not his granny because uckies uckies uckies. Ingrid also remembers that evil granddad was evil – he had her do things like kill people and cover it up. Like she did with Dash. Ooops.

Dash counters it’s totally different because he’s not evil. Uh-huh, I think he’d have trouble convincing an impartial jury – and Ingrid for that matter. To prove his lack-of-evilness he has to burn the journals and black magic. Which he does. Good step. Step 2 involves Dash telling Killian he nearly killed him with magic. Yeah, not sure this step is a good idea, to be honest. Ingrid keeps trying to sell this as redemption while he’s clearly seeing it as a step-by-step guide back into Ingrid’s bed.

2^nd B storyline and 2^nd Beauchamp daughter:

Freya (argh, must we?) who dumps all of her Killian issues on Ingrid including that she thinks Eva is bespelling Killian (which is a) a classic case of main characters magically knowing the script and/or b) super arrogant because Freya assumes the only way Killian would chose Eva over her is witchcraft).

Eva and her daughter/grandmother seem to be using a magical pregnancy test that comes up negative which makes Eva very sad.

Freya sneaks into their house to steal a bottle of potion and runs into the grandma/daughter – who responds to this trespass by breaking glass and making a huge mess. Not the most useful offensive spells in the world. Granny needs to work on her aim. The stress of random vandalism also causes her heart trouble.

Freya tries to convince Killian that her breaking into his house is nothing to do with him being a depraved stalker and that Eva is totally evil but it’s not because of Freya’s jealousy. Uh-huh – that’s a pretty hard sell there.

They go to see Eva – and find her much older. Eva’s daughter/grandmother died from the heart attack. Eva isn’t even a witch – she’s human, but so long as she has a child by a warlock she remains young and powerful - which is why she needed to be pregnant by Killian before her daughter died. That didn’t work out so now death is catching up with her. As she collapses, Killian begs Freya to help and she leads him in a chant to help Eva but it doesn’t work. Tragic death follows Eva assuring Killian she really loved him, honest.

Killian goes, alone, to talk the whole living a lie thing through with Dash – reflecting on people he thought he loved lying to him. Guess what Dash decides to talk about? Yes, perhaps the worst possible moment, ever. Literally, he could not possibly have chosen a worst time for this.

Dash tries to point out he was angry and panicky, Killian points out that Dash actually pushed him out to see for him to die. “I was mad” and “I panicked” are really not good excuses for this. Lots of old brother issues are dragged up and a huge magical fight follows

In the aftermath both are unconscious and surrounded by wreckage – including the broken charm that’s supposed to keep the body of Dash’s victim underwater. It rises to the surface. What, you didn’t think to use a breezeblock as well as magic?

And the main plot:

Freddie is busy slicing and dicing Caroline for his sacrifice to granddaddy but Caroline keeps being funny and cute and declaring how much she loves and trusts him so Freddie just can’t go through with it. Y’know, rather than family members and lovers maybe you should try to sacrifice and arsehole? Like, say… Dash?

Witches of East End, Season 2, Episode 7: Art of Darkness

Frderick is beginning to have fun in his room with a young woman when everything goes very down hill when he has a seizure. Well, that’ll kill the mood. Joanna comes running in (mother arriving in the middle of proceedings? That DEFINITELY kills the mood). This is also not the best time for Caroline, Frederick’s girlfriend, to be introduced to mother. At least he has his puppy-dog eyes to get him out of this

Continuing the theme, Killian and Eva are happy in bed together when suddenly Eva looks like someone completely different – a much much older woman.

Back to the Beauchamp household and poor Joanna tries to spill all these revelations about Freddie to Wendy only to find out she already knows about the seizures AND Caroline. They move from there to Wendy’s relationship with tommy and how she may even be in love, something she considers terrible because someone leaves or dies – seconds before realising this is somewhat tactless to say to Joanna who is the eye of the storm of loved ones leaving and dying

Frederick passes on Joanna’s dinner invite to Caroline (who is leery because dinner with your boyfriend’s mother is doubly awkward when said mother has seen you naked) but agrees and leaves to go to class, which leaves Frederick free to be magically manhandled by Spike Tarkoff – here to “help” bring back the king; that would be Freddie’s evil grandfather. He’s a telepath, hence his ability to contact evil grandfather and he’s been on Earth for a while, hence the not needing to pass the portal. He also brings a lot of exposition – the King needs a host body for his spirit which the Mandragora was supposed to find. The king has plans for Ingrid and Freya – and through Tarkoff wants Freddie to spike Joanna’s drink with naughtybadevil magic that will weaken her.

Ingrid, meanwhile, is ensuring that future Beauchamp family dinners will the most awkward ever – Dash visits her to invite her to a totally-friends-honest date. Uh-huh. I don’t know what would be worse Ingrid, dating your sister’s ex or realising that the guy who looks like Dash really means it when he emphasises the “friends” element.

For random plot reasons, Wendy also gets invited to the same gala (not Joanna the actual art teacher who is just a little bitter), and Freya demands to be her +1. Joanna, once bitterness is addresses, is suspicious that Wendy would get an anonymous invitation to such an in-demand event. Ingrid also tells Freya about her not!date and Freya is also suspicious, thinks it’s more than a date (well duh) and that Dash may be hiding badnaughtyevil because of what he said when all mandragora’d.

Anyway to the party where Freya is mopey, Wendy is wearing an elegant leather bikini (of course) and worried about the art which all seems to be pictures of her (I don’t see it myself) which is raaaaather creepy. It seems the artist is Pete Latimer Ronan, Wendy’s husband who Wendy is very not thrilled to see (and not just because he’s something of a creepy creepy stalker). She insists that it’s actually EX-husband and no, Ronan, that’s not semantics. Even if they have married and divorced 3 times (ah, I know some people like that, they’re highly amusing and deeply exhausting). And his stalkeriffic masterpiece is his love letter to her. Well, the breaking up makes sense, the getting back together less so.

Witches of East End, Season 2, Episode 6: When a Mandragora Loves a Woman

In the library, Hudson (one of Ingrid’s random colleagues who breeze in now and again) goes to work very late at night because it’s convenient for the plot to find a blissed out Ingrid and a tentacly Mandragora which seems to inject his brain with the nasty venom, as these creatures do. Ingrid blissfully murmurs how glad she is it’s him, so then they can stop pretending he even counts as an extra.

To Wendy and Joana cooking up some anti-Mandragora potion and Joanna is willing to use some on her – not to kill her and take advantage of that convenient resurrection thing, but as a way to break her out of the Mandragora trance. Wendy points out that it is actually a poison. I.e. not healthy (have you tried a bucket of ice water? I find that’s great at getting people out of all kinds of trances. Smelling salts? Kat Perry songs?) Alex throws in the need to then find a way to cut the connection between the Mandragora and Ingrid so they can kill the monster. And lo, we are now fully recapped.

Meanwhile the twins Freya and Puppy-dog-eyes-Frederick are arguing – Freya is angry that Freddie was friends with the guys who murdered their dad and Freddie is all puppy-dog-eyes about it. But then he’s puppy-dog-eyes about everything. He punches a wall to try and convince us anger is his response to upset rather than his woeful puppy-eyes.

Extra fun news – the poison needs to be injected into Ingrid’s brain. Also they need to avoid or incapacitate the Mandragora without doing too much harm to Ingrid. As an added bonus they don’t actually know how to break the link between Ingrid and the Mandragora but Alex thinks she knows of a grimoire that may help – the grimoire Killian and Dash have. Freya volunteers to go, despite her being the worst choice ever.

While she does that everyone else goes to the library looking for Ingrid and find Hudson, not doing so well with the mark of Odin carved into his flesh. Hudson wasn’t worthy, apparently. At least this confirms that the skin carving is definitely the Mandragora and not Puppy Frederick. Anyway, Wendy and Frederick take Hudson away, leaving Alex and Joanna to find a tranced Ingrid and Joanna to get a little squeamish about the skull stabbing. When she does it, it does actually work. I think it’s less to do with the poison and more to do with the huge needle being rammed into her head.

Back at the house, Frederick tries to use healing magic on Hudson and Wendy stops him because she has so much suspicion of Frederick. Frederick protests the many things he’s tried to do to help the family but Wendy succinctly says “I want you gone.” MAXIMUM PUPPY EYES! Sorry, Freddie, epic betrayal needs quite a lot of epic redemption.

At the library Wendy and Joanna continue to hunt the Mandragora – which seems like a bad idea since they can’t kill it, seriously hurt it or really stop it. I prove to be right when they both get tentacled. This apparently sticks them both in an endless library. This venom is very… flexible. It also means Alex can confront Joanna about being emotionless and, for some reason, not talking about her dead husband.  They have a huge argument of Joanna being afraid to feel anything and be happy because she’d rather be numb than feel pain; which lets Joanna open up about the endless grief she lives under, watching her children die over and over again. She claims she pushed Alex away not because she was afraid to be happy – but because she loved her and didn’t want her to share the grief of her daughters dying. Alex doesn’t consider this a great excuse.

Witches of East End, Season 2, Episode 5: Boogie Night

Joanna casts a spell which doesn’t seem to end well – she looks at the remains and says “Mandragora” and seems quite surprised and unhappy with this result.

What we need now is Freya dreaming up a whole dated dance scene with Dash and Killian. Its’ really really really really long and Freya badly needs the 21^st century to fall on her – and Dash looks awful in a moustache. But hey, everyone would look awful in that moustache. Actually Freya needs some serious help with her sex dreams – they need 1) less pre-amble, 2) less clothes, 3) less dance scenes, 4) better music and 5) better cocaine.

Ingrid wakes her up before she gets past the preliminaries with Dream!Killian (see Freya? Less time on the dancing, more time on the sex next time). Apparetly Freya’s vivid dream is due to her using a past-life spell she took from Ingrid. This means a) Frya decided to return to the 70s BY CHOICE WITH NO-ONE FORCING HER and b) she really did have a choreographer and extras plan her sex with Killian. Ingrid thinks this is a bad idea (because it ended badly when Ingrid tried this – not because her sister is clearly a twisted soul for her wilful 70s visit) but Freya is super happy because she’s known Past-life-Killian in every past life (sometimes Dash, though not always. I assume he disappears for a generation in shame after the moustache).  Anyway this is all angst fodder for her not having hot monkey sex with Killian in the present.

Admittedly, being in the position to sleep with a) Dash or b) Killian or c) (with skill) both to having neither is worthy of a little angst. Brief cut to Dash to remind us that he’s actually a good looking man when he isn’t ravaged by a moustache.

To the plot (Freya isn’t present. Freya is the destroyer of plot), Joanna, Wendy and Frederick have a Mandragora info-dump for us – they’re feral creatures that do kill people (Joanna assumes its behind the killings). Frederick adds that evil granddaddy-who-is-probably-Odin-but-no-one-says-that trained the Mandragora into armies and sent one to hunt him; though Wendy still doubts this oh-so-convenient explanation for the serial killing which so conveniently gets the highly suspicious Frederick off the hook. Frederick continues to practice his wounded sad pathos eyes. He does have very good wounded sad pathos eyes. Kind of like a sad puppy. He also adds that Mandragora are big and dangerous and unkillable.

Alas Freya returns so the plot cringes away from the all consuming love triangle. Killian is now working in the bar again rather than live off his vast inheritance or card sharking or even going back to live wherever he was but isn’t apparently going home. This is so we can clumsily turn the clock back to Killian and Freya working together – except now that Killian knows about the whole witch thing. Killian’s all pouty because she didn’t manage to work being magical into the conversation at some point. In the name of honesty, Freya gets ready to tell Killian how much she still loves him – when Killian’s wife, Eva, enters the room and greets Killian with a kiss. Oh Freya, don’t pout, we all know something’s going to eat Eva soon – or she’ll be evil.

So Freya handles this like a mature adult – and runs to the store-room to take some of her happy recap spell. Because interrupting your work day for, effectively, a magic drug and hallucination masturbation is so professional. Back to the 70s and Dash is a drug dealer and she is the one who makes it because she’s super-good at that and Killian wants her to be honest with Dash that she loves him – using the exact same words that modern Killian did referring to telling him about magic. How. Trite. He also accuses her of being an addict.

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 10: Oh What a World.

We pick up, alas, where we left off – with Killian professing his love for Freya. She kicks him out, repeating that she has made her choice.

Wendy, in cat form, goes into the mansion to check the wall of silver poison goo. She returns to Joanna and Victor to report that there’s now Argentium leaking through the portal and they all conclude someone is definitely trying to open it. Or trying to get a poison that would actually kill the immortal Joanna. Victor suspects the Gardiners but Joanna and Wendy have tested Penelope and Dash and they’ve come up mortal – and Victor is staying around to help.

And Mike still wants Ingrid to open the door to Asgard since she’s the key. She says no and no and no and no and he finally appeals to her desire to know where she came from.

Cut to Penelope to remind us all that she’s evil (the show does worry so about us forgetting) creating a potion full of crows.

It’s the wedding day, and everyone wakes up with different levels of angst and hope (Victor and Joanna in the same bed). Joanna accidentally rips Freya’s veil (bad omen! Declared by Freya and Wendy). And it’s raining (bad omen! Declared by Wendy). And dead crows (that’s definitely a bad omen). Wendy considers calling the whole thing off but Joanna won’t hear of it – in all their lives, Freya has never lived long enough to get married, she’s not going to rob her of it now. They just need to use good magic whenever there’s a bad omen.

Ingrid magically breaks into Mike’s hotel room and takes some of his notes – and finds he has a whole wall of creepy notes, maps, diagrams et al. And Mike catches her, wanting his map back and for her to open the portal. He’s not afraid of her because she’s too sweet and lunges at her – she uses magic to force him down on his knees, rejecting the whole “sweet” label (you should have let him bleed to death, Ingrid).

Freya asks her dad to walk her down the aisle and she talks about the tarot her mother dealt with the good boyfriend/bad boyfriend choice – again putting Killian as bad, even though Victor thinks she’s made a big assumption. They’re joined by Ingrid who isn’t impressed by the idea of Victor being in the wedding. But she doesn’t question Freya’s right to make the choice and they have a whole sister moment

Wendy and Joanna both use magic to counter the omens and Freya asks Joanna what she thinks of asking Victor to be in the wedding and Joanna wants it all to be Freya’s choice – she can make her own decisions. Killian has left a present for Freya, it’s a music box that plays the special music he wrote and they both dreamed about – which sends Freya off all depressed. Then she goes off to see Dash (he tricked her into seeing him before the wedding with a false text – and I thought it was seeing her in the dress?) so he can give her a stunning piece of jewellery (which is both new and blue).

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 9: A Parching Imbued

The 4 Beauchamp witches gather together in ritual to try to restore Freya’s lost powers. While it’s all shiny, it doesn’t work – they realise she’s not blocked, her powers have been taken. Naturally they think of the shifter as the culprit (rightly so) and realise that with Freya’s powers the Shifter will be much stronger and able to come at them directly. Dramatic thunder strikes, as Athena/Penelope/Shifter looks down on them in a pool of water.

Plan b is to test Freya’s blood to try and find the magical fingerprint of the person who cursed her. They know it’s not Dash since Joanna tested him (much to Freya’s shock) but they also rule out Penelope despite no test (presumably because, since Dash’s test confirms he is human they assume his mother is too). When Freya goes they address my concern and Wendy asks when Penelope was tested – she hasn’t been, that’s on the to do list for tonight’s rehearsal dinner for the wedding, along with all the other guests.

They cast the spell to check the magical fingerprint – assuming it’s worked – and Wendy suggests that Joanna contact someone called Victor, a doctor, to restore Freya’s powers. Joanna considers it, cryptically, to be too much of a risk.

At the Gardiner house, Penelope commiserates with Killian about not being invited to the wedding because of the whole kissing the bride thing – and Killian has decided that it’s time to move on.

And Ingrid arrives with Freya’s dress which she tries on since the wedding has been moved up to the next day (she’ll be shuffling down the aisle, looking at that dress). Ingrid tentatively puts forward the idea that at least without her powers, Freya can be honest with Dash, but Freya isn’t seeing the bright side. Killian arrives for some awkwardness

Where is Dash the day before his wedding? In the catacombs, surprised that the evil trees have disappeared (thanks to Joanna and Wendy) but now there’s a strange, silvery goop which he scoops up. From there he joins Freya at the scene of their wedding arch with all the preparation happening around them so they can basically reaffirm the loveydovey.

To Ingrid and Mike hasn’t picked up on her subtle clues and brings her more information about her father’s quest for Asgard – including his diaries. The last few pages of his last diary, as he began to lose his faculties, reads “A parching imbued” over and over again.  Y’know I totally do not understand why this man was ridiculed by the academic community! Of course his son should base his entire life on Steven King-esque ramblings! And he wants Ingrid’s help with that – because she’s a witch. Yes he does know because he saw her break a man’s hand with a few words in Latin. Naturally she denies everything and runs; he leaves as well, but not before we see the small axe in his case.

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 8: Snake Eyes

In the bar, Freya fills Ingrid in on her ominous card reading and, unsurprisingly, Freya has decided that Killian is her destroyer. Dash is not returning any of her calls and she’s all kind of mopey and making up for it by using love potions on the arguing bar patrons.

Meanwhile Penelope/Athena/The Shapeshifter/The Bad guy is preparing some nasty hexed flowers for Freya.

Ingrid at the library, finds Barbara (minority friend#1) waiting to direct her towards Mike, her new minted love interest. He claims he’s writing a historical novel set in the area and wants to mine Ingrid for information. While Mike talks about the towns long and storied occult history, Barbara throws in that Ingrid knows all about magic, her dissertation on the occult and how she cast a spell that made Barbara pregnant.

To the other sister – at the bar Killian arrives and she blames everything on him and leaves in a huff – overheard by Amy (Dash’s co-worker who is beginning her own relationship with Killian). She’s nice about it, but she’s not about to get in a relationship when he has clear feelings for Freya.

Freya receives the cursed roses and naturally assumes they’re from Dash – and promptly pricks her finger (well, spinning wheels and apples are so cliché). Penelope just happens to drop in to check on Killian and finds Freya ill and swaying and insists on taking her home.

At the Beauchamp house. Joanna shows Wendy the golden snakey key thing she assured her had been destroyed. Wendy is unsurprisingly unhappy since she was just tortured and killed over that key. We get some nice exposition – including that they sealed the portal – and that the snake is corrupting. While Wendy can’t imagine them ever wanting to go back, Joanna refuses to destroy the only connection to their home. Wendy wants it gone because it “destroyed everything good” inside their father and she thinks Joanna kept it so she can see Frederick again (lots of exposition hints in this conversation).

As Wendy walks past the case is whispered ominously and she opens it. The red eye of the snake seems to bewitch her and she reaches out for it –the snake comes alive and bites her wrist, sinking in its fangs and coiling its body around her arm.

Joanna comes to her scream and lectures her for looking in its eyes – do not look in the snake’s eyes! Yeah, I’m with Wendy here, bewitching animate snakes need to be destroyed. Wendy calls it a powerful vessel of pure evil – and black lines extend from the bite wound up and down Wendy’s hand and arm and her eyes turn black. When Joanna returns with a solution to remove it, Wendy has left.

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 7: Unburied

Wendy is tied to a chair in a magic circle – and Ingrid is not happy with her, appears to be torturing her – and uses magic to stick her hand in Wendy’s chest. I’m assuming this is evil Ingrid from the past life who was resurrected.

At the bar Freya and Killian are continuing their endless pattern of him flirting and her telling him not to – which this time leads to passionate kissing – and she wakes up next to Dash. And has a moment of terror when he reveals she talks in her sleep though he didn’t understand her.

Freya runs home looking for a spell and looks in the grimoire with Ingrid (who assures Freya she’s not judging because her own judgement has been flawed lately) to control dreams – until Wendy arrives and Ingrid runs out the door – tension still thick with the whole “you murdered my past self” thing going on. Freya decides she wants to have her cards read though Wendy is all wary because the cards show what they want to show, you don’t just ask them questions and get answers.

Ingrid goes to work and rambles about her dark side to her character-less GBF when a customer arrives with a list of books he wants her to bring him and a bad attitude, she laces into him, they argue and generally assure us all that they will definitely be sleeping together by the end of the season (it’s Lifetime, I know that trope).

Freya needs hair to complete her dream spell so offers to cut Killian’s hair in time for his mother’s library party thing – because there’s no way this could be misconstrued. But he starts repeating what he said in the dream and more flirting and sexual tension follows until they’re interrupted by another staff member before anything can happen. She makes and drinks her potion.

Ingrid is still moping and Joanna drops in thinking Ingrid will be confused. She quickly summarises her past life as major reasons why she should be confused but she also has done some detective work (Ingrid is the smart one) – she’s looked through all the old photos and realised there are none of her and Freya as older women. They always die young – about the ages they are now. Joanna confirms that and tries to be reassuring (insofar as you can be) but Ingrid has already left.

Joanna and Wendy catch up in the garden so everyone can recap everyone else.

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 6: Potentia Noctis

Freya, Killian, a swimming pool, flirting vs no no I love your brother. Witches of East End Killian’s value as eye candy is being rapidly diminished by his annoyance as a character. Dash arrives and it seems he and Killian are trying not to hate each other but Killian still has sad puppy dog eyes when Freya and Dash are together.

Killian does go to Dash’s hospital for a check up after being electrocuted and meets Amy, a doctor there who is definitely interested in Killian. Because she has eyes.

On to the next sister – Ingrid – at work in the library/bookshop/big place of lotsa books and she gets a visit from Penelope (Dash’s mother). The renovations of their house continue with all kinds of junk buried in the walls – including a photograph of someone who looks exactly like Ingrid (probably a past incarnation). And part Ingrid looks troubled (ominous music). I’m not sure why this is ominous or why the troubles of someone dead for a few decades is so troubling – but the scary music says so.

Freya practices her magic with Wendy being all positive and sure she’s powerful and awesome while inside Ingrid is freaking out about the photo – because people may see it and decide “ZOMG IMMORTAL REBORN WITCH!” Joanna is, thankfully, more sensible than that. Ingrid has another thought though – he’s lived all these past lives and knows nothing about them, she’s curious. Joanna and Wendy become suspiciously evasive.

Face with this, Ingrid goes into full research mode. She finds out that the girl in the picture with her is Athena, the daughter of Archibald (it’s been mentioned in passing but Archibald is the evil Satanist guy who first built the house Penelope, Killian and Dash live in, it was mentioned in the HUGE pilot o’doom). She made magic brownies to help her remember her past life – it doesn’t seem to have worked by Freya points out it has made her frighteningly manic. Freya leaves – and Ingrid has an image of a strange man that leaves her writhing on her bed remembering an orgy and the man on a throne. He calls her the most beautiful creature he has ever seen. He anoints her chest with a symbol – an eye and cross – in what looks like blood before painting the blood on her lips before they kiss passionately.

The flashbacks continue with Joanna, Wendy and Ingrid running an apothecary and using magic to help heal their patrons. Archibald arrives and the atmosphere becomes distinctly chilly and he asks for a herb that the refuse to sell him – it’s poisonous and dangerous in the wrong hands. They also refuse the invite to his new house – Fairhaven (where Penelope, Dash and Killian now live).

Later flashback shows Ingrid continuing the affair with Archibald and stealing the herb he wanted – and showing that Archibald views normal humans as lesser species. The use the herb and a ritual to make an old woman young again – though they charge her a lot of money for it. Archibald wants to marry Ingrid but her family won’t understand and will think he bespelled her, which he thinks is ridiculous since she’s stronger than him. They also have an ominous plan to gather lots of followers and “take back what is rightfully ours.” That’s never a good sign. They musing is interrupted by someone bringing Elizabeth – the old woman they made young – to them. She has died; Archibald is scornful of her as weak, but Ingrid worries about them being blamed and they hide the body. Since people will be after them, Archibald urges Ingrid to marry him that night

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 5: Electric Avenue

Ingrid is all sad –because it’s Adam’s funeral. He did die after all, probably because of Ingrid’s spell. She’s not going to the funeral because, even though she loved him, they’d hardly been dating him any time and doesn’t want to play grieving widow at a funeral which should be for family. Wendy offers all kinds of help and support but Ingrid wants to handle things her own way and returns to her room – to meet Adam who looks awfully healthy for a dead guy.

Nor does it seem he knows he’s dead. He thinks he’s taken 3 days off and is bemused by how not hungry he is as well. And when they kiss there’s a weird glowy spark. He thinks he still has a job to go to, a life, everything. She has to tell him the truth and while he doesn’t believe it at first, she talks him through his memories. In the mirror he sees blood flowing down from his nose that isn’t really there – Ingrid calls him a conscious apparition. She casts a spell to make the blood disappear, calling it a natural part of his “new reality”. He is, rather understandably, freaked out and leaves.

She finds Adam watching his own funeral and stunned that his life is over. Ingrid points out it doesn’t have to be – he’s been very happy the last few days. Oh and she’s a witch who conjured his spirit (he’s doubtful until she points out he’s a ghost so scepticism is rather moot). He’s a being of pure energy now and most people can’t see him – also why they get the occasional shock when  they touch. He kisses her.

On to second sister, Freya who is making wonderful progress with Penelope (Dash’s mother), though she slips in Dash’s previous engagement every time she can (you can’t expect her to blunt the sharp edges of her tongue so quickly).

Freya goes on to the bar to pick up her pay with Killian trying to flirt with her and her shutting him down. At the bar is Elise, Dash’s ex-fiancee.

Later, Freya tries on the antique wedding dress that the workmen at Dash’s home found in the wing they’re restoring – and Wendy sees it and promptly burns it. The dress belonged to Ingrid (well, a previous incarnation of Ingrid). She also reassures Freya about Dash’s ex-fiancée being in town.

Freya decides to return to the bar and demand to know why Elise is there (oh Freya, there’s no way you can look good doing this). Elise walks away and Freya tries to follow her when Killian asks her why she’s shouting at no-one. And the big dramatic reveal – Elise is dead.

At home, Joanna is facing the fact she’s due in court charged with a murder she didn’t commit – but she did commit a murder no-one knows about. Harrison praises her for being strong and capable and powerful and protecting her family though Joanna recognises the man is a skilled purveyor of bullshit.

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 4: A Few Good Talismen

Flashback time – 1693 this time – running through the woods, Joanna finds Ingrid and Freya – burned at the stake. A man holds her and tells her it was the only way, they were too reckless and risking their secret. Joanna doesn’t take much comfort in that and she grabs his own knife and gets to the stabbing – he begs her to spare him and she says “as you wish”- and the knife comes down.

To the present and modern Freya and Ingrid are listening to this story and very impressed at their mother slicing off someone’s ear (the missing ear and description and the person we saw last week suggests this man is the shapeshifter attacking them). Joanna tries to bring out the moral of the story – that even with that provocation she still refrained from killing the man. Wendy arrives to hear the tail end of the “do not kill” speech and tells Freya and Ingrid that Joanna is just being responsible – however, Wendy is the fun one and totally doesn’t have to worry about that. Joanna says only use their magic for an emergency – Wendy says use it for fun and magically fills the kitchen with snow.

Poor Joanna, I think I’d be in her shoes. She goes with her lawyer/fellow immortal Harrison and her friend Richard to the courthouse as part of her ongoing battle against being framed for murder.

Freya spends the morning with Dash, covering his ex-fiancee, the fact his mother hates Freya (“oh she doesn’t” sorry Dash, she really really does. On the plus side, that woman is damn good at the razor sharp comments) and how they must never ever ever keep secrets from each other ever again (GUILT! ANGST!)

Freya goes to see Dash’s mother (Penelope), she throws in her own barbs about secrets and adds some little digs. But there’s a motive beyond spite this time – Penelope wants her sons, Dash and Killian, to make up; she wants Freya to get them both to come to dinner.

Ingrid goes to work and her friend and co-worker Barbie has brought in her sonogram for her miraculous magical pregnancy. Barbie praises Ingrid’s magic though she denies it and puts it down to positive thinking; she still wants Ingrid to be the baby’s godmother.

The family goes to dinner with Harrison but Maura comes to their table accusing Joanna of killing her husband. As she rants on Wendy tells her to shut up – and Maura begins coughing up blood to Freya and Ingrid’s shock (fun auntie is a lot less fun when you see her cause internal bleeding).

Harrison and Joanna go to the site of Bill’s murder to feel the energy; with that energy she casts a spell to try and discern the shifter’s next actions – and sees images of Richard, her character witness being stabbed by her doppleganger. She knows where and when this will happen – and plans to be there, using Richard as bait, to catch the shifter.

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 3: Today I am a Witch

Everyone’s wandering around in the middle of the night; Freya, having a sleep over at Dash’s, goes searching for a glass of water and gets weirded out by the paintings in the mansion before running into Killian. Sexual tension rises and they kiss – and Dash catches them.

Wendy and Ingrid are up reading tarot cards to try and figure out which of Ingrid’s loved ones is doomed to die because of the resurrection spell. Upstairs, Joanna is woken by her evil doppleganger who completely vandalises her headboard with her symbol before disappearing. Hooligan! And back downstairs, Wendy has an answer from the cards – the person who will die is… Ingrid.

Someone she loves is herself? That’s either really self-affirming or really narcissistic. Possibly both.

Ingrid looks at her arms slowly being consumed by black veins and Freya runs through the impossibly huge mansion looking for Dash. I smell dream sequences. Joanna is slowly strangled by her dopplganger carrying a poppet – and wakes up. Followed quickly by her daughters. Told you.

Ingrid goes to Wendy downstairs, for real this time, and expresses her continues unhappiness with all things magical, until Wendy pulls out a magical skylight and points out how wonderful it can be to. Freya runs in, apparently from Dash’s to tell them how her sex dreams about Killian are destroying her sleep and making her feel guilty. She wants a magical solution – which isn’t so simple; but Wendy does want to train them in all things magical (and keep that a secret from their mother).

Which fails since Joanna overhears coming downstairs at that point. After a bit more banter (they’re so good at the banter) she claims she banished the shapeshifter, the threat is over – and throws their grimoire into the fire.

Ok… I call shenanigans and magic

The next day Joanna examines the burned tree left by the shapeshifter and is joined by Wendy – they see the symbol and recognise it as malus amplier. It draws in dark magic and amplifies it; she saw the same symbol in her dreams and where Bill Thatcher was killed. Wendy offers to help by Joanna refuses to use dark magic –the only thing that would help. Wendy also confronts her about the banishment lie, but Joanna wants her daughters to return to their normal, mortal lives free from magic and threat; she demands Wendy keep her daughters safe, away from magic.

Of course she doesn’t mean that and she starts training the sisters on the many ways of magic, the different talents witches have, what they can do and the different ways of doing magic. Wendy is instinctive –her magic comes from her “gut”, Freya emotional, so emotion powers her magic and Ingrid is cerebral, her power comes from her mind; and she wrote her own spells. And Joanna is a “total package” able to do just about everything at full strength – which she shows by quietly restoring the ashes of the grimoire back to the full book when she’s alone.

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 2: Marilyn Fenwick, RIP

Ingrid, with all kinds of revelations dumped on her, hurriedly pulls out her mother’s hidden bag o’ magic tricks. Which she then has to open by saying “open” causing it to both magically open and continue the glorious theme of skewering silly tropes that seems to be such an excellent part of Ingrid’s character. Inside is all kinds of shinies, including photographs of her and Freya in different fashions through the ages, and a great big Grimoire. She looks for a spell to free Freya and finds a resurrection spell – perfect for her recently stabbed Aunt Wendy

Freya is still trapped in the painting, the guests to the 1920s party completely ignoring her as she moves through the room pursued by her murderous ex from a different life. She tries to chant the spell that trapped them to get rid of him but it’s not so simple to escape – as murderous ex says since he was captured in a painting for decades. He tells her his knife is the only escape from the painting

He manhandles Freya, ties her to the bar and kisses her (she bites him). He pours alcohol on the bar and sets it on fire before going to chip his way out with his knife. In terror at the approaching fire, Freya’s magic kicks in, smashing glasses and unravelling her bonds, giving Freya chance to smack the murderous ex on the back of the head with a big heavy statue and take his place chipping at the wall with the magic knife.

At the police station, Adam questions Joanna about the murder of her neighbour and shows her a picture of the symbol the survivor, Maura, said Joanna had drawn in the ground. Joanna denies everything and asks for a cigarette, chanting over the lit match while Adam is distracted by a phone call. The spell confirms for Joanna, by witchy smoke ring, that “she” is alive (Freya or Wendy I don’t know).

Joanna calls for her lawyer – Harrison. Apparently another immortal who she hasn’t seen for 50 years. She fills him in on the situation and he promises to get her free – which he comes through on, getting her bail on a murder charge by calling on one of his shady clients (he doesn’t have magic himself but he knows people who do); but Joanna is convinced that, as an innocent woman, she doesn’t need shady dealings just a good lawyer. And, apparently, $1,000,000 bail. It also seems that Harrison and Joanna’s long history isn’t exactly all rosy when she gives him a code to pass on to Ingrid without telling him what it means.

Ingrid’s spell seems to work and Aunt Wendy is restored to life – and sickness and she runs to the bathroom to be sick and naked, shifting back from cat form. Freya isn’t pleased about being resurrected since she would have been resorted anyway – hut being quickly filled in on Joanna’s arrest and Freya still in the painting she leaps to action. And resurrection is bad because it comes with a price –if  you resurrect someone you love, someone you love has to die (though she blames Joanna for keeping Ingrid ignorant). While driving to Freya’s rescue,  Wendy quickly gives Ingrid a brief idea of all the women in the family being cursed, of Ingrid and Freya having lived many lives and how the women in the family have really bad luck with men (not a curse, they’re “just really stupid that way.”)

Witches of East End, Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot

We have a very rich, very exclusive, very swanky party. And a woman, outside of said party, drawing pictures in the sand – she’s Joanna Beauchamp, at least according to her confused neighbours walking their dog. She turns away from them and walks away, completely silently.

Ok, clearly her neighbours have not read Ms. Manner’s column, when one finds a high society lady playing in the sandbox, one does not approach her, clearly.

From here to a big house where we have sisters Freya and Ingrid Beauchamp, with Freya freaking out about her engagement party since she had nervous making dreams, and Ingrid trying to keep a level head on her shoulders. Joanna is their mother and they all go to the party (without more playing in the sand).

The party seems to go on for a while before Freya and Dash, her fiancé (and I deserve a medal for not snarking that name) get a moment to establish their chemistry alone before his mother shows up to win gold in the “using compliments to be insulting” event over her soon-to-be-daughter-in-law. She’s good. But don’t worry, Freya, you can’t help your upbringing, she’s happy to teach you proper etiquette and style and everything else you need to know, you backwards hussy, you. Did I mention she’s good? She’ll even take Freya shopping for a bra that actually fits! This woman can gut an elephant at 300 paces with her tongue.

Wounded by her mother-in-law’s expertly vicious verbal mauling on her party night, Freya mutters “I hope you choke on it” when the older woman bites into a canapé – and she promptly starts choking, attended by her son.

Freya rushes to Ingrid to tell her this stunning news (Ingrid wastes time worrying about Dash’s mother – don’t worry Ingrid, she kind of had it coming), Ingrid dismisses the silliness of her over-dramatic sister having powers when Freya spots a new man entering the party – the man from her sexy dream that had her all anxious. A man she’d never met before. Unnoticed by everyone, the white flower in Freya’s hair turns red. Ingrid has another explanation to why there is nothing magic going on. She’s actually really really really good at that.

Meanwhile, 2 guests stagger from the party to Joanna’s sand pit and find Joanna’s 2 nice neighbours bloody and dead in the sand.

Joanna talks with her soon-to-be-son-in-law, Dash while he expositions about a portrait of the man who built the house, Archibald Browning. Joanna calls old Archibald a “son-of-a-bitch” before quickly editing that to being something she’d read, since he was alive in the early 1900s. We also learn that the architecture was weird and that Dash has recently refurbished the whole house.

And the house is what Ingrid elaborates on to her friend, Detective Adam Noble – talking about tunnels and animal sacrifices and S&M sex orgies. Now, there’s some selling points for the estate agent to mention! Apparently she wrote her dissertation about witch-craft, the occult and cults. Adam’s just have a break up and Ingrid and Adam are very much into each other and they haven’t dated because Ingrid, with her self-esteem, assumed Adam was joking when he invited her out. Unfortunately for her, she can’t follow this up because he gets a call about a couple being attacked and has to go check it out.

Next awkward scene – Freya, her fiancé Dash and Killian – the hot guy from her dream, Dash’s little brother. Freya runs into the house, hyperventilating – and then sees Killian go upstairs; she follows him. She follows him upstairs into his room and gasps about her dream – he apparently had the same one. They kiss – and as they kiss the vase of flowers behind them bursts into flame.

Downstairs, Ingrid picks up a picture of what looks like her…  from decades ago. But it crumbles to dust in her hands. Freya comes to her senses before she and Killian more than kiss and she hurriedly leaves the room. As she runs through the corridors, bouquets of flowers bloom and then explode in a shower of petals as she passes.

Cut to the next day, a cat runs across the road in front of a car. The driver breaks, hurries to see if she hit the cat – and finds a naked woman unconscious in the road.

Blood Ties, Season 2, Episode 9: We'll Meet Again

 In perhaps the weirdest twist Vicki’s had for a while, her new client is a young teenager – an emancipated minor – who wants Vicki to find his wife. Apparently they’ve been together for 400 years – a dozen lifetimes, which Coreen takes to mean he’s been reincarnated. And Vicki thinks it’s time to bring in Henry. Thoroughly convinced by the kid’s nigh incomprehensible grasp of 20s slang, they decide to believe him. (Yeah, I know I know, it’s Blood Ties, just run with it).

Turns out Lee, the kid, met his wife back in the 1600s and she was a Mohawk – and they always die together (which is supposed to be romantic but feels vaguely creepy). And they have a plan through each lifetime – when one of them realises who they are, they go to their tree and carve their initials and a meeting place and time on it for the other to see. Only this time urban sprawl means the tree has been cut down and replaced with a shopping centre.

Celluci raises his head – he’s having a performance review and Crowley warns him that it isn’t all shiny – too much Vicki Nelson, too many weird cases, too many cases unsolved and shelved. Which complicates things because Vicki’s on the phone asking for a favour – tracking down an accident report about the last time Lee and his wife died (in a car accident). Celluci is also not moved by “love at first sight”, he has a full stack of case files on “love at first sight.” Henry has his own appointment – meeting with someone called Augustus about a move of some kind.

Looking at the accident report they get a different story from Lee’s memories – he was predeceased by his wife (Alice at the time) and he was survived by Jeff – a younger brother. Going to talk to Jeff they find out that Alice died in the accident but John (as Lee was then) was kept alive in hospital. Jeff didn’t want to pull the plug – and kept him alive for 10 years in a coma. This causes Lee to protest that he should have been allowed to die, causing Jeff to slam the door on them.

To Dr. Mohadevan, the awesome pathologist, with the report of the accident. It seems there was some discrepancies, the ambulance arrived quickly but didn’t leave that way since the paramedics had a fight. It’s hard to see more since the police report is a clear example of arse covering. Dr. Mohadevan also finds that Alice had haemophilia – which is exceptionally rare in women. Dr. Mohadevan points out there are only 3 in all Toronto.

Which results in taking Lee to see Helen Underhill, his long lost reincarnated love. And her husband. To which Lee explodes again.

Vicki goes to talk to Henry to encourage him to convince Lee to drop it – but the old romantic is all for true love (to which Vicki responds with the line of the night: “The 80s called, they want their lyrics back”) and thinks Vicki’s too eager to let it drop. She protests that Helen is married and you don’t just try to break up someone’s marriage. He says that Lee came back for the dead for love, there’s no force more powerful than that kind of longing – Vicki says that kind of longing will get you an ankle bracelet and a restraining order (she’s on a roll). Vicki also notices Henry has tickets to Vancouver – but when she asks about it Henry distracts her by saying he doesn’t understand her client.

The next day, Vicki has been doing some research – it seems Helen has been researching reincarnation and past lives. And she sends flowers to John Smith’s grave on the anniversary of the car accident (Lee’s previous incarnation). Vicki goes to see Jeff again and finds out Helen came to see him about John and that she knew things about Alice no-one else could have known.

They go back to Helen’s house and find Lee ranting in the garden about their past together. Helen eventually comes out and asks why he couldn’t stay away – and kisses him (uh, the kid’s 15. That’s not skeevy at all…). She tells Lee he’s too late and should stay away. Vicki tells Lee she said no – and he leaves with Coreen. While Vicki goes back to her office with Helen (brilliant line of the night #3 “Are you sure this is decaff?” “Real coffee would take this out behind the shed and beat it until it turned to tea.”).  She’s pregnant (which is extremely dangerous for a haemophiliac) and Barton, her husband, is safe and stable and gives her the security she needs (the kind of man who gives you socks for your anniversary – line #4!).  She’s followed her heart for a dozen lifetimes of rebellion and now she has security – and she does love Barton. And Vicki reflects on her own confusing love life.

Blood Ties, Season 2, Episode 8: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

 Vicki is paying a visit to a local prison where there’s a man, Charles, inside for killing a woman, cutting off her head and hiding it. Charles confessed. He has a problem – he’s psychic and, at the time, he couldn’t tell the difference between his own thoughts, the voice in his head, and that of the actual killer. Now he can tell the difference because the voice has started again, and the real killer has already picked a victim. Of course, this is a hard sell to the police, but Vicki deals in weird all the time, it even says so on her advert.

She takes this to Celluci who is sceptical. I was close to screaming about his constant, unreasonable scepticism, but this time he makes some sense. While he believes in the mystical badness, there are plenty of normal reasons why the killings could start up again – including a copy cat killer that is being manipulated by Charles from prison.

Vicki isn’t convinced and reviews all her old notes since, surprise, she was the one who put him in prison. Time for some flashbacks to the days when Vicki and Celluci flirted.

Time to call in Henry for his input. He’s still not best pleased with Vicki after last week, but the whole rift between them doesn’t seem to be nearly as bad. At very least he’s watching Vicki in case she has any black magic side effects. Henry does spot a wooded area Vicki mentioned repeatedly in her notes so it’s time for a road trip.

When Vicki arrives, they find a crime scene and Celluci. She asks details from Celluci and if she’s right and Celluci pulls out a whole lot of arsey behaviour and gives her a lecture on her always expecting to get what she wants. Now, I’m fine with keeping Vicki from the crime scene because she’s a civilian, I’m even fine with him not sharing details with her (though he does), but doing either because Celluci’s in some kind of snit from last week and/or because Vicki’s right? Petulance isn’t a good look on the man. Vicki did bring Henry, though, so while Celluci was sticking his bottom lip out and pouting, the vampire has snuck in for a look at the decapitated body.

Vicki goes to Dr. Mohadevan and I’m amused that no-one has tried to silence the doctor, because that never works. The awesome pathologist, in between being vexed by annoying relatives of missing people trying to find out who the body is, tells Vicki that the similarities between this body and the previous murders are “striking.” Just as Celluci arrives so Vicki and Celluci can snipe some more. Celluci insists it’s a copy cat and the crime scene photos were leaked on the net, hence the similarities and Vicki that it’s definitely the psychic theory. I kind of want to slap them both and am desperately clinging to hope that Mohadevan does. Alas, she does not – but she does throw them out of her mortuary.