The Last Man on Earth, Season Two, Episode Four: C to the T

Tandy is now locked up in a pillory and crying out for water to quench his thirst.  Melissa complies and brings him a glass of water but because Tandy is in a pillory, he cannot bring his hand to his mouth to drink.  In desperation, Tandy tosses the water at his face hoping to be able to at least get a little bit and then dropping the glass on the ground.  Phil comes out and places a gun to Tandy's head, asking Tandy if he likes playing with guns.  Phil fires in the gun into the air as Tandy protests that his gun was not loaded.  Carol rushes out at the sound of the gunshot but returns to the house when Phil assures her that this is just boys being boys.  Tandy tries to tell Phil that he has changed but Phil turns and fires at a plant, telling Tandy that he hopes so for his sake.  When Phil leaves, Tandy calls out that he needs a change of pants, shoes and underwear.

Carol redresses Tandy and she asks the group if Tandy can be released now because what they are doing is medieval and cruel. Erica is quick to point out that Phil held them all at gun point but Carol argues back that the gun was not loaded.  Todd is still extremely angry and Phil argues that Tandy did the crime and must now do the time.  Finally, Phil proposes 1 week of solitary confinement in the workout room but Carol argues that it's going overboard. Tandy then suggests how about 3 or 4 or five.  Carol asks Tandy what he is doing and Tandy explains that this is his time to prove that he has changed.  Phil agrees to the situation.

Tandy has locked himself away and when Carol comes to see him, she finds the door locked. He explains that it wouldn't be a punishment if he were allowed to fraternize.  Carol again asks why Tandy agreed to extend his solitary confinement and he explains that he has always taken the easy way out and doesn't want to do it anymore.  Tandy tells Carol to go and have fun and not worry about him.

Carol sits down to eat with Melissa and Todd and they discuss the fact that all of their canned foods are expiring, which means the cow will be their main food source.  Melissa says that they have to treat the cow like a queen.  Todd leaves to get wine and Carol feasts on the cheese.  Carol asks how things are going with Melissa and Todd and she explains that things have been weird and that Todd has been cold and distant.

From his confinement, Tandy spies the cheese.  Long after Melissa, Carol and Todd have left, Tandy sneaks out of his jail.  He crawls over to the table and puts a hunk of cheese in his mouth.  Tandy changes his mind and spits out the cheese and tells himself that he is better than this.  Tandy then stuffs his face again, only to spit it out again.  Melissa's back is to Tandy as he backs away but when he bumps into the windmill, Melissa calls out to the group that Tandy is out.

The next day, Tandy is taken out to the field and the shock caller that the group uses to keep the cow from wandering is placed around his neck. Carol once again argues that this is barbaric and Tandy claims that this is just what he needs. Tandy again says that this is what he deserves because he did the crime.  In trying to prove his point, Tandy gets too close to the perimeter and is shocked. The group walks away except for Carol, who asks if Tandy would like a pillow.  Tandy responds that if he had a pillow it wouldn't be a punishment. Carol kisses Tandy calling him strong and backs away.

That night, Tandy is sleeping when Todd sneaks out.  The next morning, Erica comes outside and Tandy starts to compliment her in a fake Australian accent. Next to head outside is Gail, who Tandy asks if she has Benjamin Button disease.  The women sit at the pool and ignore Tandy but when Tandy doesn't stop, Gail calls out that he is to shut the hell up.  When Melissa exits, Tandy starts to sing the Miss America theme, causing Melissa to inform Tandy that they are adding total silence to his punishment.  Tandy claims that he is tying to spread good cheer and letting people know that he cares about them.  When next we see Tandy, he is meeting with the group.  It seems that Tandy had Carol procure a new collar which will spray citronella into his face whenever he speaks. Phil takes the honour of putting the new collar on Tandy and Tandy tests it by speaking and gets sprayed immediately.  In fact he is sprayed several times.

Tandy sits by himself when Carol approaches to tell him that he has made it five days.  Tandy whispers that this sucks and asks if anyone is talking about him. Carol tells him that no one is talking about him, even though she keeps talking about his sacrifice.  Tandy says that he would like a little acknowledgement and Carol replies that he needs a little walk.  Arm in arm, Tandy and Carol walk to the perimeter. Carol passes Melissa on her way in, who claims to bringing Tandy some beer.  Melissa walks up to the perimeter and places the cold beers just out of reach. Melissa then reaches into the bucket and drinks down a beer in front of Tandy.  Tandy claps and tells Melissa that what she has done is funny.  Tandy gets down flat on his stomach and tries to reach the beers with his feet, only to be shocked.

Later, Tandy tries to get the attention of the group by clapping and when no one responds, he throws plants on the patio.  This inflames Todd's anger and he calls Tandy a real piece of work.  Melissa has to tell Todd to be calm down.  Tandy claps again and Carol comes to his side. Tandy whispers to Carol that he is sorry he threw the plants and adds that he just wanted the groups attention because he has something he wants to say.  The group tells Tandy that they cannot hear him and so he engages in charades to try and get his point across.  Tandy manages to convey that he hates the collar and Phil tells him that it's too bad.  Melissa translates Tandy's message which is that since the collar was his idea, he should be able to take it off whenever he wants.  Todd yells no and adds that it's about trust and that Tandy lost theirs.  Erica calls out that if Tandy is going to act like an animal, he is going to be treated like an animal.  Phil grabs Tandy by the ear and drags him to a small storage area outside, locking him in.

Tandy is curled in a ball inside his little enclosure but he wakes to a fire on the patio.  Tandy screams but each time he does so, he gets sprayed by the Citronella.  Tandy manages to get out and then is shocked repeatedly as he gets water out of the pool to put out the fire. After being shocked several times and putting the fire out, Tandy crawls back into his enclosure.

The next morning the group sees the results of the fire and wonder who must have put it out.  Todd claims that he slept right through it but his eyes are hella shifty.  Carol says that she thinks she knows and the group confronts Tandy.  Using hand signals, Tandy explains what happened the night before and Carol translates for him.  Phil steps forward and takes both collars off of Tandy.  The minute Tandy starts thanking the group and saying how much he has changed, they turn and walk away in unison.

That night, Todd is sneaking around by flashlight.  He calls out that daddy's home and enters another building.

This episode was all about Tandy's redemption and he spent most of them digging bigger and bigger holes for himself.  It's official, not only does the manchild have no morals, he absolutely has zero people skills.

What I am curious about is Todd's sudden rage.  Several times during this episode, Melissa had to put her hand on Todd's shoulder to calm him down.  Who is this person? He's certainly not the easy going Todd we have gotten to know.  Clearly something has changed since the move.

There's also the issue of Todd being all shifty.  Is he somehow responsible for the fire? We also know that Todd is sneaking away from the group.  I swear that if they have him sneaking away to eat food, I am going to lose my shit.  I know that it's something serious because of his rage about Tandy's deceptions.  It really had an air of thou dost protest too much.

The Last Man on Earth, Season Two, Episode Three: Dead Man Walking

Phil, or rather Tandy, watches from a distance as the group participates in a funeral for Gordon. Carol, who only knew Gordon long enough to scare him to death interrupts the funeral to wish Gordon a smooth journey to heaven or to hell.  Carol adds that by now they are so used to death but Gordon will be missed.  Todd starts to sing, "Time in a Bottle" but barely gets through the first few lines before tearing up. With the group distracted, Carol shoots a thumbs up sign at Tandy.

Tandy is dealing with his boredom by doing batting practice in the RV when Carol shows up to check up on him. Carol explains that she has to get back for Gordon's wake.  Phil asks if Carol brought him up and Carol explains that with Gordon's death, there's been a lot to think about.  Phil naturally denies that he cares about the group and assures Carol that she should take her time.

Melissa takes Carol on a short tour of Gordon's mansion. The two women express how much they've missed each other and Melissa asks what happened to make Carol leave with Tandy.  Carol fakes spilling a hot drink on herself and excuses herself to get cleaned up.  Phil approaches Carol, who is cleaning up in the bathroom and reminds her that the last time they were together, they were making love.  Carol apologises for leaving Tuscon without saying goodbye to him.  Their brief reunion is interrupted by Erica, who takes the opportunity to stake her claim on Phil.  It seems that in Carol's absence, Phil and Erica became a couple. Erica leaves the room shooting Carol a nasty look.

In the solarium, the group is gathered to remember Gordon.  Gail and Gordon were lovers and so she begins to list Gordon's many faults which include: sexism, racism and body odor.  Wow, Gordon was a real winner eh? Melissa changes the topic by asking the group to welcome Carol back.  Todd, asks Carol what happened to her because the last time he saw her, she was headed out to the desert to give Tandy some supplies.  Carol admits that she chose to stay with Tandy and the entire group expresses thanks that Tandy didn't return with Carol.  When they ask where Tandy is now, Carol decides to tell the group that Tandy is dead.

Back in the RV, Tandy is not impressed that Carol told the group that Tandy is dead.  Carol assures Phil that it's going to be fine because people always remember the dead fondly. Carol assures Tandy with a little bit of time and the right PR,  Tandy will be the next Michael Jackson.  Carol is surprised that the first thing that Phil remembers about Michael Jackson is molestation charge. Tandy wonders whether Phil is over Carol now and she tells him about Phil's relationship with Erica.  Tandy then asks about Todd and Melissa, and Carol tells Tandy that Todd is gay.  Tandy's response is to say, "I knew it," excitedly.  Carol points out that for someone who claims to have no interest in the group, he has  a lot of curiosity. Phil claims that he is fine in the RV alone but Carol says that has come up with the perfect noble death for Phil.

Carol shows Melissa and Todd the pictures she has drawn to illustrate Tandy's death.  Carol tells them that she decided to a hand stand on the rim of the Grand Canyon and just as she was about to plummet to her death, Tandy apparently grabbed her but in the process fell over the cliff himself.  Tandy's fake last words were, "no regrets".  She highlights her tale by showing them drawings of a dead Tandy.  Todd starts to cry and Carol assumes that Todd is sad about Tandy but it seems that he is still mourning Gordon. When the group look out at the beach, they see Gail in a black mourning dress repeatedly writing Gordon's name in the sand and allowing the waves to wash it away. For Gail, it's a form of spiritual healing.

The Last Man on Earth, Season Two, Episode Two: The Boo

Carol and Phil are still separated, with Carol waiting for Phil at the gas station and Phil waiting for Carol in Tuscon.  Carol tries her best to amuse herself by talking to an inflatable doll and doing scratch tickets.  She has also finished ridiculously designing the shirt that lead to her separation from Phil in the first place. Each time we see Carol, she is doing something ridiculous and desperate to try and find Phil.

In Tuscon, Phil has discovered that many of his personal items have been burned, including Babe Ruth's bat.  Phil has taken to his balls again, wondering why Carol hasn't arrived and how he can send her a message.  Phil's first attempt to find Carol involves blowing up some balloons and tossing them into the air, only belated realising that for this to work, he should have used helium.  When Phil sees a train track, he gets another burst of inspiration.

A desperate Carol lies down on the ground but sits up suddenly when she hears a train whistle.  Carol follows the sound to the tracks and arrives in time to see a long train go by with a message from Phil, saying that he is not a jerk and is in Tuscon.

Still awaiting Carol's arrival, Phil starts a new plan.  He sends a steamroller down the street. On the roller is a message to tell Carol where he is.  Naturally, any plan involving Phil isn't going to work out quite right.  After the steamroller rolls over Bryce, (one of his balls) it crashes a few hundred feet away.  A defeated Phil falls to ground, smacking himself in the head, screaming that he deserves to be alone.

Phil's moment of self pity is short lived because Carol arrives.  The two of them kiss and then bicker about where Phil left Carol.  Phil promises to never let Carol out of his sight again and the two have sex on the road.  Carol is excited to return to the cul de sac and see the others.  When they get back to Phil's burnt out house, Carol is surprised, claiming that this isn't like the group and questioning why they didn't leave a note.  They decide to take their reunion back to Carol's old place, where Carol confesses that she originally thought that Phil left her at the gas station on purpose because they had a fight.  It wasn't until Carol saw the train that she believed that Phil truly changed.  Phil says that he just wants to be a better man for Carol.  Shouldn't he try becoming a man first instead of the weird manchild that he is now?

The Last Man on Earth, Season One, Episode Twelve: Screw The Moon

Tandy and Todd watch Phil work on getting them some electricity using solar power.  When Phil's back is turned, both Todd and Tandy talk smack about him.  When Tandy brings up killing Phil, the tone of the conversation between Todd and Tandy changes.  Tandy wants to drive Phil out to the desert and leave him there, causing Todd to realise that Tandy did that to him.  Tandy tries to argue that he couldn't do it but Todd is disgusted and leaves.  Tandy then loudly rants about how much he hates Phil which causes Phil to turn his head.

Tandy then heads to Carol's to show her the condom he took out of her garbage.  Carol happily admits to having sex with Phil, which upsets Tandy because he had to marry her to have sex with her. Carol however qualifies and says that they were trying to have baby, whereas; she is just having casual sex with Phil.  Tandy gets upsets because all he has ever wanted is casual sex, which leads Carol to inform Tandy that "the train has left the station."

Melissa knocks on Todd's door, concerned because she has not seen him all day. A depressed Todd answers the door covered in chip crumbs.  Melissa asks Todd if he wants to talk and he responds that what's going on with him right now isn't about them but adds that things are good.  Todd I suppose was really hurt to learn that Tandy wanted to kill him when he first arrived. Much to Melissa's surprise, Todd closes the door in her face.

Tandy returns home to find Phil packing up his things to move.  Tandy asks what the move is about and Phil admits to hearing Tandy say that he hated his guts.  Tandy comes clean and accuses Phil of trying to bring power to their area, so that the group will worship him. Phil suggests that this is about Carol but Tandy denies that and laughs in Phil's face.  Phil turns to leave and tells Tandy that it should about Carol because Carol is a special lady.  Of course, the immature Tandy fires back calling Phil a "special lady".

Tandy takes solace at his favourite bar.  He tells the balls that he doesn't recognize Carol anymore.  Carol is being free and has abandoned all of her rules.Tandy of course feels that he treated Carol well and she betraying him by having sex with Phil.  After a bit more of a rant, Tandy finally realises that he might have had a good thing going with Carol.

Tandy arrives at Carol to give her wildflowers he picked and jewels he took from a jewelery store.  Carol however is completely unimpressed so Tandy says that he wrote her a song.  Carol is doubtful and tells Tandy to stop because he only wants her because he cannot have her.  The conversation comes to a stop when Phil walks to the door calling Carol "care bear".

Later that night, the group is gathered for a big announcement.  Carol tells the group that Phil has something to share with them.  The group becomes excited about all of the things they can do with electricity.  Phil tells them that thus far, what he can do is limited and he plugs in a lamp. Everyone is amazed but Tandy, who responds like a spoiled child and knocks over the lamp.  Tandy denies that he knocked over the lamp and Phil demands that he pick up the lamp.  Tandy stands and tells Phil that he is making an ass out of himself and again denies knocking over the lamp.  Tandy asks Todd to back him up, but Todd says that he saw Tandy knock over the lamp and reveals Tandy's desire to kill Phil. Todd even tells the group about how Tandy thought about leaving Todd in the desert.  The group is rightfully disgusted at Tandy's actions.  Finally, Tandy admits to his bad acts and argues that while he might of thought about leaving Todd in the desert, he didn't do it.  Phil makes the announcement that Tandy is no longer welcome in Tuscon.  Tandy is distraught because Tuscon is home and where he grew up but no one in the group comes to his defense. Tandy responds by running home and barricading himself inside.

The Last Man on Earth, Season One, Episode Twelve: The Tandyman Can

The group is showing off the cow to new Phil and Tandy (read old Phil) explains that they cannot make the cow go downstairs. Phil of course slaps the cow and makes some yipping sounds and the cow heads downstairs.  The women are suitably impressed, so naturally Tandy and Todd are not.  Later, Tandy meets Carol and the carrel which Phil has built for the cow and Tandy has to run it down. When Tandy asks Carol how her visit with Phil went the previous night, she immediately accuses Tandy of being jealous stating that Tandy is afraid the "new buck in town is going to spray all over" his turf.  I really could have done without that visual.  Tandy is quick to assert "that every inch of this place is already coated in Tandy Miller spray. You've seen it, I've doused it." Okay more GROSS.  What the hell is up with the idea that grown ass men spray their turf?  Carol declares that Phil will be a positive addition to the community and is even going to clean out the garbage pool.  Carol however is not pleased that Phil is now at Erica and Gail's house fixing their generator.  Carol of declares this a play for Phil.

At Erica and Gail's house it turns out that Carol is right and there is nothing wrong with the generator.  Both women claim that the generator was making a terrible sound before Phil arrived.  Tandy and Carol arrive together and Tandy offers to double check Phil's work.  Phil thanks Carol for the pie saying that he hasn't had fresh food in over two years. Gail jumps on this and offers to make him a real home cooked meal since she used to be a professional chef.  Phil declares that he doesn't like anything to fancy because he is a simple guy.  Gail and Erica then go back and forth about how simple they are.  Carol brings up the fact Phil doesn't have a place to live.  All the women offer to let Phil move in but it's Tandy who wins by suggesting that they "bro it the hell out and have bachelor pad action."  Once Phil leaves Carol snarks to Gail and \erica about their broken generator.

Phil is driving a truck into town when he runs into Todd.  Todd offers to help but sees that they're good.  Todd is confused by the fact that Phil said we.  When Phil drives off, Melissa is hanging off the back of the truck, causing Todd to say, "freaking Phil."

Back at Tandy's, Phil is settling in.  It seems that Phil has Macgyvered the shower in Tandy's bathroom so now he can have a hot shower.  Phil strips off his shirt and instead of leaving immediately, Tandy stands and stares.  Phil is forced to ask Tandy to give him some privacy so that he can shower.

Tandy is back in the bar talking to his ball friends and he stands their naked comparing his body to that of Phil's.  Tandy is sure that Phil is trying to establish dominance and plans to respond in kind.

Tandy walks into his kitchen naked and Phil asks him to put some clothes on.  Tandy brings up Phil taking off his shirt yesterday and Phil says that he was about to take a shower.  Erica enters, sees Tandy naked and cue small penis joke.  Wow, I didn't see that coming. Tandy backs out of the kitchen covering his nakedness with his constitution.

Todd shows up at Melissa's to ask if she had a good time on the garbage truck.  Melissa replies that she always wanted to ride on the back of a garbage truck.  Am I really supposed to believe this is the case?  At any rate, insecure Todd tells Melissa that if the relationship is going to work, she cannot hang out with Phil any longer.  He even manages to squeak out, "I forbid it." Melissa tells Todd that this is gotta stop and when she starts to talk about the really nice time she has had with him, Todd interrupts to tell her that the relationship is over.  Todd effectively dumps Melissa before she can dump him.  Melissa says that she was not going to break up with him and closes the door in his face.  This naturally causes Todd to yell, "what were you going to say."

The Last Man on Earth, Season One, Episode Eleven: Moved to Tampa

Phil and Carol announce to the group that they have decided to get divorced.  It's beyond awkward and filled with recriminations.  They do end wishing each well.  When Carol thanks Phil for three weeks of marriage, it sets Gail and Erica whispering. 

The next day, Phil is throwing paint into a wood chipper because there is no one to call him on his childish behaviour.  Gail knocks on the door and asks Phil to have a little fun, given that his marriage with Carol was only three weeks old when it came to an end. In typical Phil, fashion he is ridiculously awkward and Gail has to spell out the details to him. Carol arrives with a container to pick up her things and Gail promises to come back later so they can finish this.

Todd serves Melissa breakfast and it's a pancake in the shape of a heart.  Todd chooses this moment to confess his happiness and love, saying that it's all because of Melissa. When Todd tells Melissa that he loves her, Melissa's response is "thank you".  No one wants to hear that as a response to a declaration of love.

Phil has gone to get some milk and runs into Erica.  Phil is quick to say that single life is in everyone's best interest.  Erica asks Phil to go on a hike with her and Phil is quick to say yes.  They agree to meet at 5, two hours later than his meeting with Gail. 

Later, Phil is driving his truck when he comes across a sad Todd, walking by himself.  Todd tells Phil all about what happened with Melissa, and the declaration of love, Phil points out that Melissa hates him and they are the only two guys around.  Todd however is worried that someone else will show up and kill their monopoly on women but Phil assures Todd that he has even more to loose given his prospects are two women.  Phil declares that no one else will show up before driving off.

Despite all of the confidence he shared with Todd, Phil is just as insecure.  He pulls up at a billboard sign which he painted alive at Tuscon on and decides to paint over it, saying to himself that he has a good thing going and doesn't want to see it ruined.  On the sign, Phil paints moved to Tampa.  Being the fool that he is, Phil doesn't pay attention and the ladder he used to access the billboard falls to the ground leaving him trapped. Phil screams for help but he is too far away for anyone to hear him.

In the meantime, Gail has shown up for her sex date with Phil, only to find his house empty.  Finally, Gail settles in on Phil's bed with a glass of wine.

In the meantime, Phil has taken off his pants in an attempt to use it as shade only for the wind to blow it away. On his head, he is wearing his t-shirt.  How taking off all of his clothing to protect himself from the sun made sense, is absolutely beyond me.

Erica has now shown up at Phil's for her date.  Both women realise that they have both been stood up.  Carol arrives and Erica explains that she had plans to go hiking with Phil.  Carol being Carol, has to slut shame both women.  Gail refuses to be shamed and says that she planned on having sex with Phil.  Carol tells both women that they were going to get her sloppy seconds.

The next morning, Todd serves Melissa a pancake and this time, it is not in the shape of a heart.  Melissa apologises for her response to Todd's declaration of love, explaining that she doesn't take saying that word lightly.  Melissa then cuts the pancake into the shape of a heart and offers Todd a piece of the pancake, which he refuses.

Phil awakes and he still trapped on the billboard and is starting to go red from the sun.

Carol grabs herself come coffee and runs into Gail and Erica.  When Carol learns that Phil didn't show up and missed out on the chance to have sex with two women, Carol jumps to the conclusion that Phil is dead.

Last Man on Earth Season One, Episode Nine: Pranks for Nothing

Phil tries to explain to the group that he all of his lies were simply a practical joke but no one is buying it. Erica and Gail are quick to point out that he said that Carol was dead, so Phil lies again and claims that he was married to another woman named Carol before the virus.  Melissa calls Phil disgusting but he still tries to sell the prank that he was supposedly planning to pull, claiming that they all ruined his practical joke.  Phil tries to lay it on thick, claiming that Todd, Melissa, and Carol, mean the most to him in the world.  At this point, even Todd cannot defend him.  Melissa tells Erica and Gail that they can follow them to the cul de sac.  Everyone gets into their respective cars, leaving Phil alone in the middle of the road.

It's now morning and Phil is slowly walking back to the community. Phil walks with a dejected look on his face.  Back at the cul de sac, Gail and Erica are getting to know Todd and Melissa, when Phil arrives.  The conversation stops when he enters and everyone refuses to make eye contact with him or acknowledge his existence.  Phil then asks how long he is going to be in the dog house, again claiming that he was pulling a prank.  Phil decides that he is going to return the silent treatment.  When that gets no response, Phil again declares that it was all prank before backing out of the room.

Phil returns to the home he shares with Carol and she pretends to be a ghost because he told Erica and Gail that she was dead.  Phil asks for a chance to explain but Carol believes that everything is cut and dry. Carol then slut shames Gail and Erica for some reason and calls Phil a donkey and a sewer rat. Carol then orders Phil to leave. 

Phil finds himself alone at the bar with the balls.  He tells his imaginary friends that he could use a break from people and that this is a nice change of pace. Phil lies on the pool table calling beds over rated.

Gail and Erica go to see Carol with a pecan pie, hoping that there is no hard feelings. Carol then says that there are no hard feelings because all Gail and Erica did "was make a quick slut based decision," about sharing their bodies, with a man they hardly knew.  Gail tells Carol that they never would have done that stuff if they had known that Phil was married and Carol responds that she doesn't hold it against Gail, but in the U.S., "people tend to do a bit of research before inviting a man into the world down under." Erica asks that they move past all of this and puts on the pie on the table.  Carol however does not want the "hussy pie." Who says hussy today? Really?

The Last Man on Earth, Season One, Episode Eight: The Do-Over

Phil is lying in bed and wakes Carol up because of the noise from her sleep apnea machine.  Carol is quick to fall back asleep and a frustrated Phil turns on his side.

The next morning, when Phil heads downstairs, he notes that Carol has painted a dog onto Monet's The Water-Lily Pond. Carol justifies the desecration by saying that the priceless painting needed some life. Phil asks her not to paint on his painting and Carol makes the sad face.  I don't agree with Phil on much but defacing a Monet is truly a crime.  Phil then notices that his magazines are missing and learns that Carol has placed them in a box in the garage labelled, "molested girls."  Phil asks Carol not to move or touch his things and she points out that they live together now. Carol argues that marriage is about compromise and hands him a breast examine pamphlet for his masturbatory pleasure. Carol then notes that Phil has used her decorative hand soap which she put out for company. and Phil defends this horrible violation by pointing out that there are only two other people on earth. The bickering gets into full swing and Phil tries to storm out in frustration but before he makes it to the door,  Carol hands him a list of things he needs to pick up.  Finally outside, Phil stops by the grievance board and discovers that the majority of the complaints are about him.  To add insult to injury, when he looks over his shoulder, Todd is cutting Melissa's hair.

What does a frustrated man do? He collects all of the things on Carol's list and then sets them all on fire.  This of course is followed by ranting to God about the fact that he met Carol first and believed that she was the last woman on earth and then was introduced to Melissa. Todd does not even pause for a moment to consider if Melissa, who has always made it clear that she cannot stand Todd would have been happy in that situation but does make a wish for a do-over.  Cue sappy music, as a SUV pulls into the parking lot containing two women who are amazed to see another human being.  The women introduce themselves as Gail and Erica.  When Gail and Erica ask Phil if he is all alone, he pauses before lying and then says that it's just him before asking the women for a hug.

Phil walks with Gail and Erica telling them that he has been alone for the last two years.  The two women pick out a house and inside they open a bottle of champagne and toast to finding an alive man.  Phil of course takes a seat on the bed, then asks the women to tell him about themselves.  Gail is from Sydney and Erica is from North Carolina.  Gail compliments Phil for having the intelligence to post the billboards.  We learn that Gail and Erica met after the virus (well at least know we know where all the people went but it doesn't answer the question of what happened to all of the bodies), Erica started doing things on her bucket list and she ran into Gail at the White house.

It seems that in the absence of men, Gail and Erica were intimate but now that they have found Phil, they declare and end to their sexual adventures.  Hearing this, Phil has to hide his erection.  Gail wonders aloud if Phil is even into girls. Phil laughs at this suggestion and says that he is very much into girls.  Phil stands to pour champagne for Erica and Gail notices his wedding ring.  Phil pauses and then excuses himself saying he has things to check on.  Erica and Gail invite him to dinner and Phil agree to return later.

Phil heads back home and explains his long absence by saying that he went to get everything on Carol's list - most certainly not out of obligation or guilt.  God, this man is a megadouche. Carol believes that Phil was out so long finding his smile. Phil is relieved that Carol isn't on to him and jumps on the idea that having time for himself was good for him.  Phil then suggests that he head out and camp tonight, so that he can find an even bigger smile.  Carol is all for this.

Phil heads to his favourite bar to talk to his ball friends about why he lied to Gail and Erica and withheld facts from Carol.  Phil believes that leading a double life and hiding facts from Carol will make him a better husband to her. Phil puts on his suit and tie, as he asks his balls if they have any objections to what he is doing.

Phil shows up at Gail and Erica's with two bottles of booze.  In the dining room, Gail and Erica have laid out an amazing spread of food.  Back at home, Carol serves Todd and Melissa a dish of raisin balls, saying that she has worked hard to blend her things with Phil's in the house.  Melissa asks where Phil is and Carol explains that Phil is camping because he wanted some alone time.  Todd defends Phil, when Melissa says that she doesn't trust him.

Gail and Erica are pouring booze down Phil's throat, saying that they are glad the last man on earth is fun and cute.  Gail asks what Phil thought when he first saw them and he responds that "it was a like a dream - hot older lady and black girl. Yes please." Neither woman is happy  with Phil's response, so Phil starts to stumble trying to take back what he said.  The mood has completely changed, as Phil apologises, saying that he screwed up and the women deserve to know the truth.  Phil then brings up Carol.

At the dinner table, Carol defends Phil, calling him a good person and Melissa neutrally comments that she is glad that Phil makes Carol happy.

Phil tells the women that Carol was his wife and passed away many moons ago.  Phil even goes on to lie that he nursed Carol through her death and was there for her every step of the way.  Gail and Erica are naturally sympathetic to Phil's lie.  Phil even has the nerve to suggest that Carol wanted him to get out there and meet other women and fakes a cry.  Phil then apologises for bringing down the party with his true story about his dead wife. Erica decides that to change the mood, they should all go skinny dipping down at the hot spring.  Phil starts to hyperventilate, looks down at his weeding ring and then announces they should all race to the car.

Melissa notices the decorative soao that Phil brought back from the hotel for Carol.  Todd suggests that they should all do something nice for Phil in appreciation of all he has done for them.  Melissa counters saying that they have had too much wine.  Todd suggests that they go to the party store and fill the entire house with balloons.  Carol is all in on this.

Naturally, both parties run into each other.  Gail and Erica are super excited to meet other people.  Gail and Carol hug Carol, Melissa and Todd, as Phil struggles to put his pants on.  Erica and Gail try to introduce Phil to the group but he has locked the door.  Carol is surprised to see Phil and announces that he is her husband.

It seems that Melissa is steadily moving from the role of sex object to ball buster.  This is meant to make the audience dislike her but honestly with Phil's antics, who can really blame her?  She is absolutely right not to trust him and we have seen evidence of that with Phil's hiding of the cow and now his lies to Gail and Erica.

In the beginning it was possible to sympathise with Phil because he was the last man left standing and that had to be a lonely situation.  We are now on episode nine and it has become evident that probably even before the virus wiped everyone out, Phil was a horrible human being.  It's more than the fact that he is a permanent man-child; it's his absolute douchebaggery.  All Phil saw when he looked at Gail and Erica are women to fuck.  He most certainly didn't see them as people.

With the introduction of Gail, we now have two people of colour.  Of course, Phil has to point out that she is black and then conflate that with her sexuality.  Thanks for that Last Man on Earth.  Phil reduces Gail to a fetish and it is made worse by the fact that Gail barely calls him out on it and then is quick to forgive him after being sold a bunch of lies.

Gail and Erica also constitute the GLBT representation on The Last Man on Earth.  I am not sure how to take this because it became clear very quickly that they were both happy to stop sleeping with each other in favor of getting a little dick from Phil.  This means that they had sex together because of a lack of options, rather than natural inclination.  It doesn't sit well with me at all and feeds into the myth that bisexuals and lesbians just need some dick to set them on a different path.  I don't expect more from this show at this point but suspect that this will not lead anywhere good.

On a final note, Sparky will continue to owe me forever for dumping this hot mess in my lap.  I cannot wait for it to come to and end.

The Last Man on Earth, Season One, Episode Eight: Mooovin' In

This episode opens with another town hall meeting where Carol thanks Todd for helping her move her dresser upstairs.  Todd graciously declares it fun, saying that it gave him time to spend alone with her. Carol then notices that Melissa is now wearing a charm bracelet - a gift from Todd. Phil of course is not at all impressed though Carol calls it sweet, adding that Phil has never given her anything. A less than subtle reminder that Phil has been saddled with Carol - the strange and undesirable one. Phil then shows the group a set of sculptures he made of the group.  Todd suggests leaving it outside by the campfire and the women are unsurprisingly enthused.  Phil then breaks Todd's sculpture but what he actually did is remove the Phil figure accidentally. Naturally, no one missed Phil on the sculpture.

Phil shows up at Carol's to borrow her DVR and is informed that hers only has Cake Boss on it.  Carol being Carol has to spoil the ending despite Phil's warnings. Carol uses this as an opportunity to suggest living together, adding that the space between them isn't helping with their plan to repopulate the earth.  Carol sites Melissa and Todd, who are already basically living with each other (who have thankfully stopped playing She Drives Me Crazy).  This does not enthuse Phil and so Carol asks Phil to fix her door again. Carol of course invoked Todd, a guarantee to get Phil moving.  Phil whines about not getting respect in the community and then lies about originally heading to Carol's to actually fix her door.  Carol tells Phil that he doesn't have to fix the door if he lets her move in.

Phil heads to the bar so he can talk to his ball friends about how the women are having a Todd love-fest.  Well comparing Todd and Phil, who can blame them? Phil believes that Todd is stealing his thunder because he is of course the president.  Todd begins to think of a way to prove to the women that he is worthwhile and heads outside where he finds a cow at the side of the road.  You know, as you do.

Phil has now gathered everyone announcing that he has a game changer to share with them.  Of course, when he opens the door, the cow is not there.  Carol and Melissa start to snark and begin to walk away but they don't get far because the cow makes an appearance.  Phil wants to slaughter the cow for hamburger and steak but Melissa wants to keep the cow for milk.  Phil believes the humane thing is to slaughter the cow because they don't know how to keep it alive. Cue Todd,  who spent the summers on his uncle's dairy farm.  Todd knows how to milk the cow, as well as make cheese and butter.  The women become excited, so Todd pulls rank and claims that since he found the cow, he gets to decide what happens to it.  After the discontent, Phil agrees to let the cow live though he is lactose intolerant.  Todd offers to keep the cow in his backyard but Phil rejects this this idea stating that the cow will live with him. This sets Carol off because she wanted to move in with Phil.  The cow takes the moment to escape and naturally heads straight to Todd's. Now even the cow prefers Todd.

Todd ties off the cow and begins giving a demonstration on how to milk the cow.  Phil snarks that Todd learned to do this working as a male prostitute. Great slut shaming and homophobia. Yeah, for comedy.   Carol and Melissa are orgasmic about the taste of milk.  Todd shares his limited information of cows and Phil pretends that the smell of milk is making him sick and uses that as an excuse to leave.

Later that night, Phil sneaks back to the cow milks it and then drinks.  Yes, this jack ass lied about being lactose intolerant for the sake of steak. Phil is forced to hide when Melissa walks over to the cow to get some milk for her coffee. Todd joins her, commenting that there is something about a woman who can milk a cow. The two kiss, which naturally upsets the manchild Phil.  When the two leave, Phil heads back to the cow and undoes the knot Todd has tied to secure it. Phil then leads the cow away, ecstatic because the cheese and yogurt are going bye bye. How old is Phil supposed to be again?

The next day, Carol and Melissa are excited about having a bowl of cereal when Todd rushes in to announce that the cow is gone.  Phil is down at the bar talking to his ball friends about how he had to take over the situation, so that he could be a hero twice over.  Is this really his version of alpha male?

Phil heads back to the community and pretends that he had nothing to do with the cow.  Todd talks about seeing the cow in the middle of the night and of course Phil blames Todd for making a bad knot. Phil tells everyone not to assign blame but Melissa says that no one is blaming Todd. Phil however does try again to get the community to blame Todd and Melissa again has to assert that Todd is not at fault.  Phil says that he is going to look for the cow and Melissa then accuses Phil of hiding the cow.

 Melissa divides the map into sections and asks Phil where the bar he likes to hang out is.  Phil is shocked that Melissa is on to him and tries to delay the search but Melissa is determined to start right now.  The first place Melissa goes is to the bar and Phil watches from a distance (have we had an episode where he isn't actively stalking Melissa?).  It seems that the cow left the bar.  Phil rushes in wondering where the cow has gone and notices that one of his ball friends is on the floor crushed. Awww a sad moment for the manchild and yet another reason for me to roll my eyes.

Phil starts to search for the cow and who should he come across but Todd, walking the cow back to the community.  Todd tells Phil that he is going to tell the girls that he found the cow because he feels bad about how hard Melissa came down on him.  Phil asks Todd why he would want to do something so nice for him.  Todd explains that if it wasn't for the alive in Tuscon signs, he wouldn't be here right now with the woman of his dreams.  Todd adds that he has two great friends in Phil and Carol and is so happy. When are the writers going to give Todd some common sense?  When is Todd going to stop being grateful to the supposed White hope Phil?

Later that night, Phil tells everyone he found the cow.  Melissa apologises to Phil for being hard on him. They all make orgasmic sounds as they eat ice cream and Phil starts to eat it.  When Melissa points out that Phil is supposed to be lactose intolerant, Phil claims that this is his cheat day.

Later that night, Phil wakes to screaming.  Phil, Melissa and Todd rush over to Carol's to find that the cow is in Carol's bedroom.  Carol announces that because of the cow, she is now moving in with Todd, since cows apparently don't go down stairs.  Later, Carol and Todd are lying in bed and Todd says that he doesn't understand how the cow got loose and climbed Carol's stairs.  While she lies about how this all happened, the camera shows Carol leading the cow into her bedroom.  It seems she took a note from Phil's playbook. 

Yeah, I won't have to watch this horror show for another week, though there are unfortunately five episodes left.   Sparky as you read this, I hope that you are feeling guilty for saddling me with this puerile nonsense.

We finally moved away from an episode of Melissa playing the sex object.  It took long enough.  We are however still fixating on Todd, as the fat guy with a heart of gold, who naturally worships Phil. Why? None of his reasons make any sense given how Phil has treated Todd since he arrived. At this point, I just want to see Todd smack Phil.

The whole thing with the cow was Phil's attempt to earn some respect.  It never dawned on Phil to simply try being a decent guy because apparently, he doesn't have a decent bone in his body. Because Last Man on Earth is a comedy, it all had to backfire in his face.  I did however like that Melissa called Phil out on hiding the cow though I was sad the cow wasn't in the bar.  Because the cow was moved, it make Melissa appear harsh though she was bang on the money. Melissa is the only one who seems to ever see Phil for the asshole that he is. At this point, I think that Melissa is the only somewhat likable character of the entire show.

I am still waiting to find one thing about this show funny. In eight episodes, I have yet to laugh a single time.  I am sick of the bathroom humor, the characters which are walking tropes and the man-child protagonist. Why is this show certain to be renewed? What exactly am I missing?

The Last Man on Earth, Season One, Episode Six: Some Friggin' Fat Dude

Melissa rushes forward and introduces herself and Phil to Todd.  Todd admits that he was set to leave the area when he saw Phil's fireworks.  Phil gets on a look on his face as though he is mentally kicking himself in the ass.  Todd asks if he was interrupting anything but Melissa assures Todd that everything is okay.  Phil of course has to pull Melissa away to remind her that they were supposed to be having sex but Melissa is more interested in the fact that another person has shown up.  Honestly, between Carol and Phil, who could blame her?

Throughout this time, Carol has been doing laundry.  Phil enters and Carol thanks him for being quick.  Phil admits that nothing happened and of course, Carol jumps to the conclusion that Phil has diarrhea. What the hell is with the constant conversation about bowel movements?  Are the writers 12?  Phil makes the announcement about Todd,  who he describes as some fat dude.  Let the fat shaming begin.  Carol sees this as momentous because Todd's arrival means that Phil and Melissa won't have to have sex with each other.  Phil gets wrong and strong and says that they cannot force Melissa to have sex with some stranger.

Carol decides that she has to meet Todd and since all of her clothes are wet, Carol puts on her wedding dress.  The survivors sit around the campfire having a drink and it's clear that Melissa and Todd have a lot in common.  Phil tries to play cock blocker to Todd and of course makes an ass of himself pretending to have seen Shawshank Redemption. When there is a lull in the conversation, Phil of course has to bring up Todd's weight.  Todd talks about dealing with growing up as a fat kid and how terribly he was teased. Melissa is quick to point out that all of those people who were mean to Todd are dead now.  Even Phil is moved enough to tell Todd that those people won't hurt him anymore. 

Todd then excuses himself to get some sleep and of course, Phil then pretends that he had a weight problem in highschool to try and gain sympathy.  When Melissa excuses herself, Carol points out that there were sparks between Melissa and Todd.

The next day, Carol reveals her plan to Phil, to set Melissa and Todd up on a date.  Phil unsurprisingly is convinced that Melissa would never go for Todd because Melissa is beautiful, smart and kind and Todd is Todd (implication here FAT)

Phil knocks on Melissa's door to talk about Shawshank.  Phil does the worst Morgan Freeman impersonation ever, quoting a line from the movie to prove that he has seen it. Phil then tries to pretend that he was only joking last night when he said that Tom Hanks was in the movie.  Phil segues in a less than cool fashion into re-population, only to be told that now is not the time by Melissa.

Carol initiates her plan to set up Todd and Melissa. Carol actually fakes vomiting and tells Melissa and Todd to go ahead without her.  Phil enters the room and Melissa and Carol suggest that he should stay behind. 

Melissa and Todd go go-cart racing and Phil spends his time spying on them.  As Todd and Melissa play golf, Phil rambles off to himself that Todd is in the "friend zone."  Todd and Melissa continue to have a good time, as Phil plays creepy stalker dude in fear that Melissa is falling for Todd.

Later, Carol informs Phil that Melissa and Todd are going on another date tomorrow.  Phil is not impressed with Carol pushing Todd and Melissa together but as it turns out, it was Melissa who asked Todd out on a second date.  Phil then suggests a double date to support their relationship. 

Later, the four set up to play tennis and of course Phil decides to suggest that they play shirts and skins in an effort embarrass Todd.  Melissa notices a scar on Todd which of course Phil has to suggest comes from over eating.  Todd however explains that he donated one of his kidneys to his foster brother. Todd starts to tell the story of how he came to donate his kidney, as Phil tries to distract everyone with tennis.  Todd gets so emotional he has to excuse himself for a moment and is quickly followed by Melissa.  Phil decides to follow Todd and Melissa and comes across the two of them kissing.  Carol however believes that Phil did the shirts and skins routine to push Todd and Melissa together.

Later, Phil the creepy knocks on Melissa's door and snarks about Todd being a big ole' breathe of fresh air.  Phil then goes on to say that in the old world, all his friends were I fucking kid you not "fats"  Of course "fats" pump up there stats and lie, making it hard to trust "fats".  Melissa rightfully shuts the door in Phil's face calling him an ass.  Phil knocks on the door and apologises saying that because he was alone for so long, he has forgotten how to interact with people.  Melissa opens the door and asks if Phil really talks to sports balls. 

Phil takes Melissa to meet his sports ball friends.  Melissa asks Phil what his favorite movie is and he finally admits that it's The Godfather.  Melissa asks Phil to be honest with her. Phil tells Melissa that she was the one he was waiting for her and that she took his breathe away.  Phil adds that he is falling in love with Melissa and asks her if there's any chance she could feel that way about him.  Melissa says no, so Phil lies and says that he was going to say all of that stuff to Carol.

Okay, the manchild has actively become a character I hate now.  Watching him stalk Todd and Melissa this episode just made him super creepy and gross.  There there's the fat shaming that he engaged in for the entire episode.  This is a new low for the writers but on par with what I expected the minute Todd got out of the car.

Part of what made the fat shaming so horrible is that it was meant to make me laugh.  I didn't find any of it remotely funny and instead I found it to be outright cruel.  I wonder how  Mel Rodriguez felt when he reached the shirts and skins section of the script?  Shirts and skins wasn't even necessary to the game and it could have been triggering for fat males who found themselves in the same or similar situations growing up. 

Just like the other characters, Todd is a trope.  Todd is the happy fat guy who smiles through his pain that we are all meant to feel sorry for.  Todd is someone to be pitied. 

It's worth noting that with the arrival of Todd, we also for the first time have a survivor who is not white.  Given that they used up their quota of fat jokes this week, I wonder if they will move onto race jokes next week?  Yes, I expect the writers of this God awful show to sink this low.

Why oh why did I trade off Salem with Sparky for this show.  It may only be 30 minutes long but it's torture.

The Last Man on Earth, Season One, Episode Five: Dunk the Skunk

Todd pulls up in a sports car and stops in front a sign which reads alive in Tuscon.  It looks like Phil is going to loose his title as last man on earth.

Carol has latched onto Phil by the campfire as she tells Melissa that they are going to be BFF's.  The moment Carol leaves to get another bottle of wine, the conversation quickly switches to Melissa's declaration that she is horny.  Melissa is concerned with Carol getting the wrong idea and tells Phil that she really respects him for trying to make his marriage work. Besides, Melissa was cheated on once and now she hates lechers.  Carol returns with the drinks and then drags Phil off for sex.  Alone, Phil asks Carol to tone it down to spare Melissa's feelings and even wonders if they are rushing into having a children.  Carol however believes that they need to make babies for the human race to survive.

The next day, Phil heads to his ball collection to plot and scheme.  Of course he has logically worked out that for re-population to work, he needs to impregnate Melissa as well. Phil is a really winner isn't he?  He cannot even admit to himself that he is creating any reasonable possible to get into Melissa pants.  It's further telling that though he sees Carol as a massive cock block, he is unwilling to stop sleeping with her either. These are genes the human population totally needs to see passed on.

Cue Phil's creepy visit to Melissa's to sell his big plan for re-population.  He then turns around to show Melissa his ass, asking if his pants look okay on him.  It seems to me that Phil should be happy that there are only two women left because otherwise, he would most certainly be single.  Honestly, were his social skills always this bad?

Phil then starts to fake cry and goes to see Carol.  Carol being Carol, starts to soothe Phil.  The acting in this scene is so horrendous it was difficult not to change the channel.  Phil then points out to Carol that if she wants to avoid her children having to participate in incest to populate the human race that he will have to have sex with Melissa.  Carol's look at this point is a touch priceless. 

Phil makes the puppy dog face and explains that while he doesn't want to have sex with Melissa, he has to have sex with Melissa.  Phil then throws out the incest card again and Carol admits that she needs to think about this.  Was any of this supposed to be funny?  An argument quickly erupts when Phil mentions that Melissa agrees with his position, causing Carol to call him a skunk.

Later a pissed off Melissa knocks on the door after being told off by Carol.  Phil tries to play ignorant but Melissa sees right through him and makes it clear that Phil was the one who chose to marry Carol.  Melissa says that Carol was her one chance of having a girlfriend and though Phil apologises, Carol walks off angry.

That night, Phil decides to hold a dunk the skunk event, telling the women  that they cannot stay mad at him forever because he is the last man on earth.  What Phil doesn't know is that with each passing second, Todd gets closer to their location. Of course the dunk tank Phil chose is defective and each time he sits on the bench, he ends up in the tank. Yeah, I know I am supposed to be laughing at this but it's moronic at best. 

Both women ignore Phil and Melissa heads over to Carol's with a bottle of wine.  The two women head inside and reconcile, totally stunning the clueless Phil. Mercifully Phil gets out of the dunk tank and the cheap gimmick is over. Melissa and Carol finally agree to talk to Phil and they inform him that they have decided he should re-populate with both women.  Phil is then informed that he can only have sex with Melissa three days per month, three times a day until she gets pregnant.

The next morning, Carol arrives and informs Phil that today is the day he is to have sex with Melissa. Phil has actually showered for the occasion and put on a suit.  Carol actually checks to ensure that Phil has washed his genitals. 

Later, Phil escorts Melissa to the romantic setting that he has created for her. Melissa however wants to cut the B.S. and just do it.  Phil however wants to make the night special and so he grabs his guitar. He plays two notes and for each note, a firecracker goes off. The firecracker works as a beacon and leads Todd directly to their location.

Todd gets out of his car with a big smile on his face.

Is it me or was that an exceedingly long half hour?  It's episode five and I don't like a single character so far.  This has got to be the worst dystopian setting I have ever had the displeasure to view.

The writing is absolutely puerile and Phil's man child routine was tiresome in episode one.   If that were not enough, Will Forte's acting is easily the worst of the cast. Just yuck. Also, his attempt to manipulate Melissa into bed isn't funny; it's predatory.  It's further worth noting that as much as Carol gets on Phil's nerves, he's also not willing to stop sleeping with her as well.  Basically, Phil feels like the cock in the chicken coop makes him a hot commodity.

I did like Melissa and Carol coming together for a time and choosing each other over Phil, as any sensible woman would do.  The problem however is that neither of these two women have been developed.  Melissa is the sex object and Carol is the eternal cock blocker.  They are little more than walking tropes.

This was much more fun when sparky was the one being tortured by this show.

The Last Man on Earth, Season 1, Episode 4: Melissa

Let me get a big drink, this trainwreck is about to get much wrecker

Carol is super excited to see another person in the world. And Phil is super excited and enthralled to see a conventionally attractive woman in the world. I am super excited that this show is only 30 minutes long and my pain will be brief.

The woman is Melissa and she’s come to Tucson because of Phil’s signs (Phil is staring at her in a maximum creepy way). Carol is happy to tell Melissa all about their marriage while Phil see more willing to let the subject drop. Though I can understand that when the unnecessary sex talk comes up

To Phil’s house and Melissa is impressed with his art – and agrees with him that it’s hardly stealing if there’s no-one left.

Lots more creepy leering from Phil, obliviousness from Carol – and Phil actually shaves and puts on clothes. Though both women prefer the beard.

They all have dinner together (Carol’s awful awful food) with more creepiness, more fawning and even more creepiness from Phil constantly trying to force some kind of commonality. C’mon Melissa, nows the time to move as far away from these people as possible. An extra side message is how awful cheating is. Just in case we missed it

When Melissa escapes, Phil is not eager to go to bed with Carol.

We then have diarrhoea and sex dreams. I am not drunk enough for this. I don’t think it’s actually possible to be drunk enough for this. Not even with tequila

Phil continues to fawn and creep – taking up exercise and getting Melissa a car while arguing with Carol about their broken door (or possibly ruin of a marriage)

Melissa an Carol come close to having a normal moment – Carol still trying to see the good in Phil and his tolerating her eccentricities while Melissa came very very close to actual pathos with the way she’s managed through the year

Melissa invites them both for drinks – telling Phil and expecting him to pass it on. Of course he doesn’t and he goes alone. After a few drinks she tells him how terribly, overwhelmingly horny she is and how sad it is that Phil is married

The Last Man on Earth, Season 1, Episode 3: Raisin Balls and Wedding Bells

1 wedding dress, 1 suit, 1 church and some vows and Carol has her marriage. Phil is distinctly unimpressed and almost as bemused as I am by the whole charade. Even more bemusing is that this is some kind of nightmare of Phil’s where there are actually still people left alive and she’s duped him into marrying him

He wakes up, therefore sparing us from a dream that’s even more ridiculous than the plot. He is relieved and reassured that the human race is still nearly extinct. I am saddened that the human race is merely “nearly” extinct. Alas Carol joins the scene and adds her gross “insight” on pornographic magazines, declaring that all the women in them were molested.

Carol continues to have a secret stash of some drug because there can be no other explanation for her behaviour. The only saving grace is that Phil, as annoying and revolting as he is, has just about as much bemused exasperation for her as I do.

So Carol prepares all the decorations for a wedding while Phil burns things and talks to balls and the mannequin he was obsessed with.

Wedding time – music, white dress, décor and, of course, Phil has forgotten the rings. Carol storms out

After a while Phil goes looking for her since she’ giving him the cold should and finds her house has been massively decorated for the wedding, along with a wedding cake. He tracks her down and admits that, enraging though she may be, he’d rather endure her endless annoying habits than live alone.

Not the choice I would have made.

They go jewellery shopping and Carol embraces random destruction in the name of diamonds. They complete the wedding

And that night go to bed together though Phil looks decidedly unenthused and Carol very business like. She is… truly horrifying during sex. Art least during what appears to be supposed to be sex? She has some after event criticism.

The Last Man on Earth, Season 1, Episode 1: Alive in Tucson & Episode 2: The Elephant in the Room

Year 2020: 1 year after the virus

Our protagonist, Phil, drives around in a bus with a megaphone on it, crossing through state to state trying to find another human being. He doesn’t have much luck, crossing off all 50 states.

He decides to enter Tucson and paint the signs to say there’s a living person there. Hey, if everyone’s dead from the virus at least there’s a considerable lack of corpses!

Time to set up home – of course the most expensive one around, who wouldn’t? Which he then redecorates with all the National Treasures he’s looted from across the country (again, who wouldn’t?)

He reflects on his situation through prayer and that inevitably turns to begging god for a woman.

On to him doing all the things he can because he’s the last person on Earth – causing random chaos, walking around in his underwear and leaving a small amount of destruction in his wake and loading up on junk food, porn and booze.

And gets weirdly fixated on a female mannekin. We get it, he’s desperate for sex.

More antics until his sad and lonely birthday and sad memories. And more ranting about god for being alone.

5 months later

His continued antics have reduced the entire house, and its treasures, to a rubbish dump. Those antics involve more and more booze. I don’t even want to think of his toilet arrangements

He continues to be obsessed with women. And contrary to his ranting at the TV he is reduced to talking to balls with faces painted on them. More obsessing about women, kissing a manikin and more booze.

He finally contemplates suicide by ramming his truck into a boulder but stops just before impact – because he sees smoke.

He hurries there and finds a camp site and, far more meaningful to him, women’s underwear. He faints when he hears a woman cough when she catches him fondling her underwear.

He wakes and they’re both overjoyed to see another human being; well in his dream anyway. When he actually wakes up the woman is less perfectly made up and she thought he was dying (and wetting himself). It’s a lot less dreamy. And when he gets close to her she, wisely, points a gun at him and, for some reason, critiques his grammar.

Eventually she puts her gun away and introduces herself as Carol, last woman on Earth.

Episode 2 The Elephant in the Room

Awkward conversation, Carol’s annoying habit of correcting grammar badly and Phil realising being all alone may actually be preferable. She also would rather he follow traffic laws – like stop signs. Honestly, last person on Earth looks preferable now.

He also takes her to the cess pool he lives in and she has reservations about him stealing priceless art. She’s also not keen on his extensive porn collection. He takes her back to her camp site while she announces her intention to put his life back together

Which involves cleaning (just move into a different house), shopping and following rules like disabled parking which don’t really apply when there’s no other humans around.  They continue to annoy each other until she moves in next door

And brings up the elephant in the room – repopulating the planet. Both make it clear that they would really really really rather not; but she’s determined to fix him until it becomes tolerable. She tries to seduce him with fresh vegetables to encourage him to help.

He steals tomatoes instead and, given the paucity of suspects and his tomato stained clothes, is obviously the culprit. She calls him a terrorist. She continues to ineffectually try and obtain running water.

After a long time trying Carol seems to give up and become as much as a slob as Phil having realised she’s pretty ineffective.

Guilt makes Phil try to get running water instead (he’s not much more effective) but he does succeed in getting water to Carol’s tomato patch. Reconciliation is in the air and he is utterly graceless about it. Oh but she also wants to get married before they have sex.

Dear gods.

I’m not going to poke at how neat and clean everything is for a world destroyed by a virus because this clearly isn’t the kind of show that expects you to look to closely nor does it care if you find the holes. The setting is a backdrop for shenangians, to poke it would be like going to the theatre and complaining that the buildings in the background aren’t real.

But I can’t say I’m a fan of the foreground. Does this make people laugh? Guy breaks stuff and obsesses about women… ok… and… funny? Ok the bowling balls and the fishtanks amused me. But that’s about it. Honestly I didn’t crack a smile the whole time.

And I can’t say I can even think “hey I’d do that”, maybe collect the art but randomly break stuff because? I don’t see the appeal.

Followed up with the slob-man-nagging-woman mind numbingly dull and repeated trope – this one dystopian style and taken to the umpteenth degree, and I’m not a fan.

I’m going to have to say this whole show is about as appealing to me as root canal surgery without anaesthetic and with very shaky hands-  but I rather think I’m not remotely the target audience.