In the Flesh, Season 2, Episode 2

Jem is still suffering horrendous nightmares, ongoing trauma from her time fighting the rabid PDS before the treatment was found – and her continuing struggles with fitting into normal life. Of course, normal life would probably be easier to fit into if your parents didn’t decide on a ridiculous French theme breakfast to say goodbye to Kieren before he goes to Paris – which he considers more accepting of PDS people.

Kieren’s father, Steve, still forgets and serves Kieren food. After which they have a touching goodbye and Steven heads off with his suitcase

At the cemetery, it’s the vicar’s funeral – and he has a metal grill bolted over his body; to protect against the second rising and he’s not the only one who believes it will happen.

To Amy who ominously keeps some objects in jars in her fridge – and draws off a liquid from them. It looks very… organic. She injects it into Simon’s back (is this the drug that stops him going rabid?) while he councils a young PDS. He repeats that those who rose in Roarton are special – and Amy wants to stop Kieren from leaving, partly because of that but also because Kieren’s her best friend.

Elsewhere, local comic relief Dean and Freddie have an upset because Freddie is washing windows without Dean for extra money (they have a window washing business together).

Meanwhile Maxine has promoted Phillip to Councillor (which apparently MPs can do here) and has pushed through a new policy from the national government – to mixed reception. Of course Phillip has just been promoted to chief dogsbody, bought by loyalty and she has him ensure that a list of people attend her “seminar”.

Amy meets Kieren as he heads to the station and tries to talk him into staying, first with jokes then with serious questions – how much cover-up make up is he wearing and just how far will he have to go before he doesn’t have to wear it? But when Kieren tries to buy a train ticket, the seller refuses because he’s PDS and tells him he has to wait. Phillip arrives to order them both to the seminar.

The happy dappy seminar has a DVD which basically forces PDS to become slaves in the “volunteer” sector which they have to do if they want to be considered British citizens. And Kieren can’t get a passport unless he completes the course. Maxine seems especially interest in Kieren – especially when he rose. When she goes back to the guest house, she circles his picture

At school Jem is invited to sit next to the PDS boy, Henry, who crushes on her desperately. And he brings up the HVF in class as an important part of history despite the teacher’s obvious discomfort with it; he’s trying to make Jem seem special to the class since she was a member. She gets up and is asked many many questions about her war days. It works – it makes Jem much more popular.

Of course, the people it makes her popular with are happy to use the word “Rotter” even while Jem isn’t. Jem dated Henry when they were both 14 before the rising and actually liked him – but his plan’s backfired since Jem’s new friends are extremely hostile to him. Henry joins is friends and one of them is all looking forward to the second rising. He also has a vial of something with a ULA label – probably Blue Oblivion.

Warehouse 13, Season 5, Episode 5: Cangku Shisi

Claudia is understandably upset about Claire’s disappearance and has choice words for the security staff (well actually with Artie in a nice little passive aggressive dig from both of them at the staff)

Wait… the Warehouse has staff? Since when did it have staff? And if it did have staff how are they all not dead several times over given the number of times the main cast has JUST escaped?

Anyway, using Artefacts the find the man responsible – Benedict Valda. Alternate world Benedict Valda. Who I am going to try REALLY hard not to call Crowley.

Valda fits Claire with the Artefacts Paracelsus used to create his mind controlled Borg soldiers, allowing him to control her.

The gang meets and figures all this out, including Alternate Valda, and that he has been hanging around in the Dead Agent Vault. Myka wants to go see but Pete is all confused about the “you love Myka” thing from last week, doesn’t want to be alone with her (remember, Pete has the emotional maturity of a… actually, small children have more emotional maturity than this man) and drags Steve with him (complete with “I’ll take off my shirt” quip because Steve’s sexuality must be a constant source of jokes). Pete continues to desperately try to avoid Myka, babbling and generally needing a good slap upside the head. When he finally makes some sense he worries about Valda replicating Artefacts (his thing with Paracelsus) and creating a telekinetic army – while Myka realises his key to his safety deposit box is missing

In the Regent’s Vault – where Valda kills its Regent keeper. Myka, Peter and Artie arrive to find the body – and a trap that freezes Artie.

Valda, meanwhile, uses the record player that kept Claire asleep to take down a whole park of people – claiming it will cause seizures in 30 minutes (since he’s not using the other Artefact they used on Claire). He describes the destructive capability in a sales pitch to someone about how the Artefacts can be used as tools and weapons to expand their empire, whoever they are. So long as the Warehouse is in their hands. He gives the hidden employer’s driver a Mason Square Artefact to put in a specified location for them to begin.

Pete, Steve and Myka do the Artefact thing to rescue Artie and get an update on Valda’s activities. While Steve looks after Artie, Myka and Pete hurry to save the unconscious people – which is extra complicated because Valda uses multiple Artefacts in crafty, dangerous ways. And more Pete panic over his feelings for Myka.

While that’s happening, Artie figures out Valda’s plan – he’s going to steal the Warehouse using the 3 Artefacts used to move the Warehouse from country to country (hence there being 12 previous Warehouses in different countries, the Regents moving the Warehouse to the dominant nation/power of the day).

So Steve and Artie lock down one of the Artefacts kept in the Warehouse (which transforms the whole Warehouse to energy for transportation)… except it’s missing, Valda has already moved it in position. Which is in the Warehouse. Somewhere.

While Pete, Myka and Claudia go to the Green Dragon Tavern in Boston to find another of the Artefacts (always hidden where the host nation was formed); there they find a dead Regent. Downstairs they find Claire and Valda – and Claire telekinetically holds a giant wall over Claudia, ready to crush her. Claudia tries to reach her and Claire cries – but Valda controls her – and locks them in the vault where he secured the Artefact (he doesn’t kill them because of Plot Armour).

They find their way out through the secret passage in the vault (it was, after all, a place where revolutionaries met so an escape route make sense). Oh Valda, you should have killed them but for the rules of TV

Please Don't Tell My Parents I'm a Super Villain by Richard Roberts

Penny Ackk, daughter of super heroes Brian Akk and The Audit has been desperate for her super powers to finally kick in – and when they did they came in with a vengeance!

Of course, her dad thinks it’ll be years before they fully develop. So keeping them secret and then springing them on him as a surprise sounds likes a great idea. Until a little problem at the school science fair means she and her best friends kind of become Super Villains.

Ooops

And trying to change sides just digs them deeper in the villain put. And maintaining a secret identity when your parents are super geniuses isn’t easy anyway

But one thing no-one expected was how good they’d be at supervillainy – or how much fun it is!

This book is so much fun! I can’t remember the last time I had so much amazing fun reading a book! I literally spent my entire time reading this book with a big, silly grim on my face, broken only when I had to laugh.

It’s campy, it’s a little silly, but it’s so incredibly fun! Super heroes and super villains duking it out in the street – oh not your dark and gritty super villains who have become so popular. Far less stylish than that! These are fun super villains and super heroes – with the super heroes (perhaps) taking things pretty seriously but recognising limits and the villains are just enjoying themselves immensely. Yes, sometimes a villain takes it too far – but then their fellow villains will quietly feed them to the more extreme heroes (and then they “accidentally don’t survive a fight”). I love this sense of everyone having fun so long as everyone knows the rules, kind of, even though no-one’s ever going to expressly state it.

But, hey, there are RULES. Like you totally don’t hit people’s families or their secret lairs. That would be cheating!

I love the fact that even though they are supervillains they cling to the hope they can change sides whenever they find a suitably dramatic moment. And yes, of course it has to be dramatic – how else are they going to make sure they have an awesome backstory? Switching sides from evil to good can make for an awesome origin story, they just need the right moment. Lucyfar changes sides on a completely random basis! (Perhaps best summed up with, when they betray some fellow villains they meet a response of “you kids are awesome!”)

Did I mention it was so much fun?

Continuum, Season 3, Episode 8: So Do Our Minutes Hasten

I know Continuum has a theme going with these episode titles – but they’re really really struggling now.

Flashback time – Kiera and her fellow fascist storm trooper protectors go into an “illegal political meeting” with big guns; the locals are committing the dastardly crime of trying to preserve a historic building. And Kiera’s mother is part of the group. Kiera tries to get her out before she’s arrested, but mother is awesome and so much better than her daughter – and protests that Kiera isn’t the only one who gets to take a stand for what she believes in.

Oh awesome mother, how did you produce Kiera? She tells Kiera there are other ways to rebel against her mother – and it’s ok to be wrong but eventually you’ve got to own up.

To the present with Curtis calling Kiera to taunt her with his escape for random reasons. And on television both Julian and Dillon being interviewed on television by Diana the sound bites reporter. Dillon tries to justify selling out the police to Piron and further how he cannot possibly show his budget to the public. Of course, there’s absolutely no real challenge to Dillon’s corruption and Dillon uses his reputation as police chief to silence Julian.

To the board room of Fermitas with a man making a big corporate speech to his fellows – and then gas coming through the vents. They try to leave but every door is sealed – they collapse, coughing then into unconsciousness.

At Piron, Alec has his own speech to sell a new product – Halo. Something you wear that constantly monitors your health and body and updates the information to Piron servers to help treat diseases as soon as they’re detectable (and, of course, cache all kinds of data about you). To prove his invention does what he claims, Alec has a doubting board member put it on and it diagnoses many basics and colon cancer which he had 2 years ago. Though he says he’s in remission – so Alec hopes. He leaves abruptly. Another board member proposes 2 months funding though Alec says 2 months is not nearly long enough.

After the meeting Dillon praises Alec for his performance – because it was a lie. Halo doesn’t work, Alec check the man’s insurance file to discover the man’s cancer.

To the crime scene, Dillon, Kiera and extras, Dillon is sure that the dead board room was caused by Liber8 but Kiera realises it doesn’t make sense – not with the good PR Liber8 has been working on. Carlos is on another case (a whistleblower case with Sonmanto) – it’s just Kiera and Dillon.

Speaking of that whistleblower case, Betty shows Carlos that his whistleblower was in touch with Julian. Betty’s also happy to show off her ankle tracker because she’s not even going to pretend to hide. Carlos decides the way to handle this is to go and try to arrest Julian for stealing Sonmanto property – huh, even Dillon was calling this a whistleblower case 5 minutes ago.

She tells Kiera and Dillon that Liber8 has released a statement denying all involvement with the Fermotas gas attack – and there has been no online planning of it that Betty could find at all. Kiera and Dillon still thinks the technological expertise to pull it off was Lucas so want her to be active in chat rooms in the hope Lucas will reach out to Betty again.

Kiera has her own task for Betty – use her contacts to try and find and track Curtis. Betty claims she first got involved with Liber8 because she was a hacker who got in over her head. She adds that doing the right thing matters to her which makes me laugh since it doesn’t matter all that much to Kiera and certainly not to Dillon.

Game of Thrones, Season 3, Episode 6: the Laws of Gods and Men

Braavos

Stannis (he who is dour) and Davos (he who is grimm)  have travelled here to talk to the Iron Bank. Stannis insists he is the king, insists that Tommen isn’t, throws in claims of incest and illegitimacy – but the Bankers don’t really care. History, honour, bloodlines are less important than bank balances. And the balance of Stannis’s meagre forces, low resources and tiny fleet doesn’t look good. Davos tries to speak for Stannis (though how much the Braavosi are impressed by a smuggler is somewhat dubious). But he has some sense as well – when the 67 year old Tywin dies, then who leads the Seven Kingdoms? Tommen, a child? Cersei, a queen who is hated? Jaime, the Kingslayer?

Hah, shows how little he knows about Kings Landing – the Tyrells will rule!

While in Braavos, Davos meets up with Salladhor Saan (who is with naked prostitutes. Because Game of Thrones). He recruits him with cash (that suggests they got the loan) to Stannis’s war effort.

In the North – where everyone’s awful and we should be Team Nobody.

Yara Greyjoy – Theon’s sister and daughter of the Lord of the Iron Islands who still controls several men in the North, reads the letter her dad received from Ramsay Bolton (evil, creepy son of Roose Bolton who wants to take over the North now the Starks are dead/scattered/lacking the sense normally seen in cabbages) demanding they leave the North in brutal terms involving lots of flaying, complete with bits cut off Theon. While we watch Ramsay have sex with his torture buddy Myranda (we see her naked, him not so much. Because Game of Thrones) Yara gives a stirring speech to the grim Iron Men. She leads her men against the castle where Ramsay is – and demands to be taken to her brother

Who is kept in the kennels – and so broken he’s terrified of being rescued or called by his real name. Ramsay arrives, shirtless and covered in blood leading some of his men – and he’s loving the entertainment. He launches himself at the Iron Men – but Yara and her men are forced to run when Ramsay releases his hounds. She tells her men that Theon is dead.

As a reward, Ramsay gives Theon a bath, that really just emphasises what a pet Theon is to Ramsay. And is extra extra creepy – especially with Theon cringing at every move Ramsay makes. And for extra complexity – Ramsay wants Theon to pretend to be… well... Theon to help him claim the Moat Cailin (a strategic castle held by the Iron men) back.

Meereen Saviour Lady Holds Court

Daenerys is hearing supplicants and being a Queen – this includes a man she gives a wedge of cash because her dragon ate his goats, a noble who wants to bury his dad who she crucified (which she agrees to after learning that he actually opposed the whole mass slaughter of slaves).

Kings Landing back into the snake pit – but snakes are less venomous

The Small Council meets, including Oberyn who is very very amused by the whole affair. Tywin also has no time for flattery (from Mace Tyrell who Tywin treats like a servant). The agenda covers Sandor, the Hound (a bounty on his head), Varys summing up Daenerys’s forces in exacting detail (Jorah is also no longer their spy); Varys and Tywin both take the opportunity to tell Cersei how silly she was to sack Ser Barristan.

Afterwards Varys talks to Oberyn, questioning him about Oberyn’s many travels and being very suspicious of Oberyn knowing where he was from. Oberyn pries into Varys’s history and gets little-  but is surprised to realise that Varys is neither interested in men nor women – he finds desire quite destructive and distracting and prefers to focus on other things – and looks to the throne.

Jaime and the guards take Tyrion to his trial, Jaime looking all guilty and Tyrion making sure of the fact. He’s taken to the very full throne room. Tommen announces the judges and proceedings begin- Tyrion doesn’t take things very seriously. Evidence is produced – including Tyrion’s awesome slap of Joffrey (ah, such a sweet memory), Sansa’s poison necklace (that has made its way back from Littlefinger’s boat on Dontos’s floating corpse), Pycelle accusing Tyrion of stealing poisons and of course, Cersei. Even Varys is quick to throw Tyrion under the bus, must to Tyrion’s shock because Varys respected him.

Once Upon a Time, Season 3, Episode 21 & 22: Snow Drifts & There's No Place Like Home

It’s the season finale – and that episode 21 and 22 together in one, long double episode.

So with such an epic finale – we start 18 years ago in a Boston Group home with a young Emma. Once Upon a Time, I will judge you if you clutter your finale with pointless fillet for unnecessary tweeness. You have Mary Margaret, you are already way over your twee quota. But no, it’s for ANGST! Because Emma watches a little girl get to go to a new home while she cries because she doesn’t have one.

Back to the present away from such mopey reminiscences, and Emma’s baby brother still doesn’t have a name because, traditionally, a new royal baby should be properly announced in a coronation ceremony. This is a great chance for Emma to snark, and a chance for me to point out that, unless they get back to the Enchanted Forest he’s going to be Prince of a tiny piece of Maine (and the US government may object) but, hey, let’s run with Royals in Exile. Having finally gathered some level of self-awareness and that, maybe, everyone gathering round to worship the Charmings isn’t fun, they’re going for a Pot Luck at Grannies. To celebrate their family togetherness

Hear that Emma and your evil plans to go back to New York? Let’s rub some salt in that wound – with Henry dropping in with his apartment hunting.

Regina and Robin are being all cute and relationshippy. And Rumple hides his dagger; just in time for Belle to come in worried sick about all the power she has holding his (unknown to her) fake dagger. They talk weddings and how much Rumple has totally changed, honest.

To Grannies and everyone is partying and Henry is reading the fairy tale of how Snow White and Charming met (as Emma puts it, it was by armed robbery) and Hook is bemused by Charming would pick Snow White over the daughter of King Midas (so am I Hook, so am I). Hook snarks about Emma wanting to get away from it all, which Emma quickly tries to silence. But Regina is no fool and demands an explanation. With her cards on the table, Emma leaves, followed by Hook.

David tries to reassure Henry – and then they all see the light reaching the sky out the window. Zelena’s time portal is open. They rush to the gaol and find Zelena missing and Regina unerringly fixates on the culprit – Rumple. Though he protests his innocence and Belle backs him because, of course, she has his dagger. What Rumple didn’t think of was CCTV – but he quickly changes the video to make it look like suicide not murder. With Zelena dead, Regina expositions, her pendant’s magic was unbound so fulfilled her last wish.

Clearly everyone needs to avoid the portal because time travel is dangerous.

Hook confronts Emma with good sense and a book of fairy tales and scoffing at her idea of safety. And if Emma is, as she claims, looking for home why not make it in Storybrooke and Emma finally reveals the truth. All these stories that everyone else is a part of isn’t her life – she was never a princess or anything else form the stories, she has no fairytale history. She also adds insight informed by her past – she ran away a lot and decided home was somewhere you missed when you left – she hasn’t missed anything yet

Major character development is shelved by her seeing the time portal and rushing off towards it. Emma ignores Hook’s good sense (she doesn’t have magic, so how can she close it) and ends up pulled in, Hook is saved by his hook, but, alas, him always wearing the same leather all the time has left it weak (and probably really smelly) so Emma’s grip just tears his sleeve. Hook follows her (“one of these days I’m going to stop chasing this woman.” Heh, not likely).

They arrive back in the Enchanted Forest – back when Snow White was still a wanted fugitive and Regina was the Evil Queen – probably because that was the story Emma was focused on in the book (which they have) when they went through. Just to drive home the culture shock, Emma makes a Back to the Future reference that, of course, goes right over Hook’s head.

Penny Dreadful, Season 1, Episode 1: Nightwork

It’s dark, it’s cold, it’s the middle of the night and a young woman simply has to go to the bathroom. She makes her way from the bed she shares with her young daughter, through the dimly lit, cold house to the lavatory – and something super-fast snatches her through the window.

Really, you’d think even monsters would allow a truce for toilet breaks.

The little girl wakes up and goes to investigate her missing mother – whatever she sees in the lavatory makes her scream. Damn, that’s some heavy duty air freshener needed.

Opening credits – and a woman praying fervently in latin to a crucifix. She looks troubled – and is distracted and further troubled by a spider crawling over the cross – and then onto her hand. She seems to have some kind of fit or vision while an eerie voice says “soon my child.” And “I’m hungry”.

Well, that’s nicely ominous.

From there to a Wildwest show in London, 22^nd September 1891. An American shows off his considerable prowess with firearms while spinning a tale about Custer and deadly Native Americans, much to the appreciation of all the crowd by one woman in black, who looks rather awesomely unimpressed.

He certainly impressed one lady sufficiently for her to show her private appreciation afterwards – having sex up against the wall of a cart. He has some excuses and really pretty words for why he can’t see her again which she doesn’t quite buy because he doesn’t even know her name (something which seems to almost amuse her).

He goes to the bar instead to stare at a pocket watch with an inscription to him (Ethan) from his dad (who I assume is dead by the pathos stare). Moping is interrupted by the Gloriously Unimpressed lady from the crowd (the woman who was praying earlier) who wants to tell him how inaccurate his story is. She wants to recruit him for some dangerous “nightwork” that may call upon his gun skills. She goes on to examine him and give a no-nonsense Sherlock-Holmes-style summation of his current state and past which is pretty awesome as well. He asks questions about the job which she responds to with further cold awesomeness, giving away nothing and thoroughly establishing Ethan’s mortality in the process. She does give him a time and place to meet him and leaves

He calls after her “Do you have a name?” To which she responds “Yes.” And she continues to leave. I think I like her.

That night he arrives at the meeting place and she leads him to an Opium Den, run by several Chinese people. There they meet an older man who is similarly uninformative; he only says they’re looking for someone, someone dear to him. The three of them go down to the basement, which is deserted, to meet 3 unhealthy, pale looking men. The older man argues with their leader in a different language while the other 2 circle ominously.

The Queen of the Damned (The Vampire Chronicles #3) by Anne Rice

Lestat has rocked the vampire world with his music and his book revelations. But his voice has reached far more than he imagined – it has come to the ears of Akasha, the first vampire, the Queen of the Damned. For the first time in millennia, she has woken up

And she has plans – plans for Lestat, plans for the world of vampires and plans for all humanity.

It falls for a few ancient vampires to try and stop her as she unleashes carnage to realise her vision of what the world should be.

This book is 460 pages long. And like every Anne Rice books I’ve read to date it could easily be half that or less. I cannot even begin to describe the amount of redundancy and repetition there is in this book.

Usually when we get a character, the author will describe a bit about them, give some insight into their background and let the rest develop as the story progresses. Not Anne Rice. In these books we get a character and before they do anything even slightly relevant we have to have their life history. Not just their life history, but if we’re really lucky, we get their ancestry back 3 generations (at least) as well. It’s boring, it’s dull, it’s utterly irrelevant to anything resembling the plot.

I can’t even say there’s much in the way of coherent plot here anyway. A large part of the book involves recapping the last book. We have the dreams of the twins that just serve to be ominous foreshadowing – but are repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated over and over. I really can’t stress how repetitive this book is – this same dream is recounted not just from multiple sources but then multiple times from each source. And this is a theme throughout the books, we have multiple sources all thinking about Lestat and his music – but all thinking exactly the same thing about Lestat and his music. So we get the same thing over and over

And when people finally gather together their grand plan is EPIC EXPOSITION. Seriously, people being slaughtered, Askasha raging away and the gang gathers to have 2 solid nights of storytelling. The most long winded, repetitive story telling imaginable. Face the enemy with long winded folktales!

Then there’s the characters – all of who’s point of view we are treated to in ridiculous length – most of which are utterly irrelevant. At least Louis and Gabrielle and Armand have some history in the story and we don’t see too much from their POV, they’re recognised as being spectators. But the rest? What exactly was the point of Khayman? He just kind of sat in a corner and was ineffably sad. But we got pages and pages from his POV. Jesse? What did Jesse actually do? What was the point of her? What was the relevance of her Great Family? But she was there, her POV, her chapters worth of backstory was dragged up, we roped in the Talamasca for more pages of pointlessness – because none of it was relevant. None of it added to the overall plot. None of it added to the ending. None of her history or story was really relevant. And Daniel – another character inserted with a painfully long backstory and history with Armand who, like Louis and Gabrielle and Armand and Jesse, ended up being nothing more than a spectator for the – and I use the term loosely – action. These characters are not part of the story, they’re spectators, it’s like stopping a play in the middle so we can hear the biography of Mrs. Jones in the 3^rd row of the theatre. It doesn’t matter, I have no reason to care, it’s pure padding