A new series of Teen Wolf, let the gratuitous shirtlessness commence! (Hey, I can hope)
And we start well, with Jackson, who we all wish would get eaten, crawling out of the water (dripping wet) with his shirt shredded – and a bite mark. Meanwhile Scott is running through the woods in that awkward crawling/running thing they do, looking wonderfully dramatic And angsty of course as he remembers sitting in a car, making out with Allison Argent (the mindless daughter of the werewolf hunters) and Daddy Argent holding a gun to his head (so all last season with hum maundering on about the code and not killing the innocent? All that prating that set him apart from Kate the Evil Argent? Goes out the window if the werewolf is having sex with his daughter! Man rage to protect the family vagina!) Allison begs for Scotts life promising never to see him again (rather than telling her father he’s a murdering monster and she’ll have nothing to do with HIM again if he does – and will call the police no less). Family Vagina duly protected, Daddy Argent backs off.
Of course, telling teenagers not to meet? Yeah, that works. And Scott does his doggy run to launch himself through Allison’s window where he is most heartily welcomed (which is a nice move on from the Twilight-style “watching her sleep”. Which I’ve never really got – I mean, have they never watched people sleep? With the snoring and the drooling and the snarled hair? Sleep is not pretty).
Unfortunately they’re interrupted by her father returning early with Victoria Argent, Allison’s mother. Who is as unpleasant as the rest of the Argents – and searches Allison’s room for Scott who is half naked and clinging to the roof outside.
Time to move to Styles our most excellent (and cute) comic relief, in the hospital asleep and having Inappropriate Dreams where he has been all weekend, watching out for Lydia (who was bitten at the end of the last season. In the last episode the number of werewolves rocketed up) who has kept her powers of endless sarcasm intact.
Styles is outwitted by a vending machine while Lydia takes a shower and the hospital clearly has some very dodgy plumbing, since blackness comes up the plug hole. She examines the shower water and it’s clogged with hair – lots and lots and lots of hair (and she hasn’t lost any from her head so she must have a REALLY hairy back) and a raw, burned arm reaches out of the black water and grabs her. Honestly, hospital hygiene these days!
She screams, attracting her father, Styles and the hospital staff, they come in to find the water clear and Lydia missing. Either she’s jumped out the window or been kidnapped by possessed plumbing. Her dramatic echoing scream is also heard by Scott with his werewolf senses (who identifies it as Lydia).
They report her missing to the police (Style’s dad) who also tells him to go home. Poor Styles.
But there’s another crisis – Allison saw her father and 2 other guys leave the house, possibly to hunt werewolves. Styles gives Scott some of Lydia’s clothes to smell and track – so Scott, Styles and Allison can track Lydia down before either the police or the Argents find her. Allison is very much out of the loop with her family.
Meanwhile something with an awesome manicure is freaking out the gravedigger who is digging Kate’s (who I would call the Evil Argent, but that would require there being a good Argent) grave. I hope they remember to line it with salt and, preferably, to burn her. The werewolf knocks over the digger, dropping the gravedigger in the grave and covering the top with the machine – he sneaks a peak over the lip (oh this guy would never survive a horror movie) and sees the werewolf digging up another body in a different grave. Before he hears a roar and then some whimpering – and something lifts the digger off the grave – Derek (the new alpha) in human form.
The police (Style’s dad) interviews Isaac, the gravedigger and learns that whoever dug up the body took its liver. Chianti and fava beans anyone? All while Derek is in the background looking all menacing. Isaac isalso on the lacrosse team it seems
Following the scent, Scott leads Allison and Styles to Derek’s spooky burned house (hereby known as Werewolf Central). Allison wonders if Lydia has been drawn to Derek because he’s an alpha – instinctual need to be part of a pack. Scott says it makes sense because they’re stronger as a pack – not just strength in numbers, but each individual wolf is stronger, faster etc when their pack is around them.
They find a trip wire with Styles trips – resulting in Scott being yanked up into a tree by his ankle. At least Scott tells him how silly he’s been. Allison and Styles have to hide while a group of Argents approach. He gets to talk to Daddy Argent who, arrogant sod that he is, thinks it’s fine to trap people and ask them their business in the middle of the woods – and starts to threaten Scott largely because he’s a murderous arsehole. I do hope something eats him before the season is over. At least Scott shows how useless the trap really is.
Next day at school, Styles and Scott discuss where Lydia could have gone (and whether she ate the very nutritious liver) by considering what Scott was drawn to – doesn’t help much since Scott is was and always will be obsessed with Allison. Except she was obsessed with Jackson
Who is still an arsehole, lest we forget. The coach is offering automatic A passes to anyone who signs up for search parties to help find Lydia (which is a nice gesture even if the coach is amusingly incompetent). Jackson (being an arsehole) doesn’t care about Lydia but raises the very real concern that, since Lydia is a werewolf, it’s not her people need to worry about. In class, Styles is threatened with violence and detention (odd school) and Jackson gets a nosebleed causing him to epicly panic at first it seems like an overreaction until your realise he’s oozing black stuff, not blood. And it’s a right gusher.
He runs to the bathroom and Derek intervenes. Jackson takes the chance to be an arsehole and assert his independence – just because he’s been bitten by Derek doesn’t mean he’s in Derek’s pack or involved with Derek in any way. So Jackson starts oozing black gunge from his ear – Derek says it’s his body fighting the bite and that he has no idea what it means (does it mean a horrible painful death? Maybe? Hey I can hope) and decides to leave Jackson alone to ooze – which I approve of, I bet ooze stains.
Cemetary guy, Isaac is talking to Allison (love triangle, please gods no) and some Mean Girls talking about shunning Allison because her Aunt is a dangerous murderer (that’s unfair Mean Girls. Shun her because her entire family are dangerous murderers!) which strikes me the writers have just remembered that “zomg we’re in a highschool!” which means by international treaty they MUST include Mean Girls and Love Triangles. This. Is. A Rule.
Styles is enjoying the petty attention of his teacher because he had a run in with Styles’s father. Wow, this school has some quality staff.
The funeral for Kate is a media circus – and Isaac (are they going to shoe horn him in everywhere?) snuck by the police wearing blinkers (someone crosses the barrier 3 feet to your right and you miss them?) An old man arrives to confiscate and destroy the camera memory card – he’s menacing, we know by the music. Have I ever mentioned how I hate that? If your scene is menacing, use menacing music – if you can’t portray menace, don’t use music to make it happen. Scott and Styles watch as the menacing old man is introduced to Allison – it’s her grandfather, Gerard. Who is an Argent so probably evil. If I were Allison at this point I’d definitely be asking “so, are you a murderer like mum, dad and aunty Kate?” just to make it clear where I stand. Maybe she’s saving it for the bunfight.
Scott and Styles are caught by Styles’ dad (what happened to the werewolf senses?) It does give them chance to hear that an ambulance has been attacked on the police radio – so out they go Lydia hunting. They go to where the ambulance has been hit and find a whole lot of blood – Tyler and Scott can’t understand what Lydia has been doing and are relieved that Scott never went the same way.
Dramatic chase scene where Scott finds someone who most certainly isn’t Lydia (he can also talk when he’s all wolfish, it seems). Chase scene becomes fight scene in which Scott is clearly the better. He runs and Scott chases but the strange wolf is caught in a rope trap – and before Scott can do anything, Derek arrives and drags Scott away – just in time to avoid the Argents who tase him into human form. Granddaddy Argent says he’s an Omega – a lone wolf, possibly kicked out of his pack or his pack slaughtered. Granddady Argent then cuts the Omega in half – and Derrick demands Scott looks so he can see what kind of people the Argents are and why he needs Derrick.
Daddy Argent whines to Granddaddy “we have a code”. Really? You didn’t think to bring this up as Granddaddy was drawing the great big sword? Y’know at some point before the murder? Gah, are we expected to see him as the “good” Argent? Because pathetic whining over the corpse and echoing silence when it’s alive means nothing. It seems Granddaddy Argent has thrown out the code because werewolves killed the murdering Kate. He wants to kill them all. And Daddy Argent is silent, again.
At the blood stained ambulance Styles has been caught by his father, again, when he sees the naked and shivering Lydia appear (and completely free from blood stains) – she’s shocked and stunned and traumatised – but remembers to snark. I may grow to like her
Total racial inclusion – the Mean Girls. Total GBLT inclusion – Danny the Maris asked Jackson if he was ok when his nose bled.
So we have a dramatic start to the season – a war between the Argents and the werewolves. Can we start with the Argent killing please?