Roman is all strapped down ready to be experimented on by Johann. And his Russian sidekick whose name I still didn’t hear is there to help – though Johann has told her repeatedly he doesn’t need or want her help. Johann has yet another “you will respect mah authoritay!” moment.
The treatment will turn Roman human, and causes “discomfort” which I take to mean “screaming agony”. I was right. Completely with nasty eyeball injections
Really Hemlock Grove, really? Your desperate urge to play gross out needs checking.
Onwards to Peter and Andreus (who does not own trousers, though I don’t complain) with Destiny gone to work. (Peter still has the tow truck so I ASSUME he works occasionally). When Michael comes to visit to talk about Lynda’s escape. Yes, he knows Peter has done it, no he can’t prove it, nor does he particularly feel the need to investigate it – if Peter will help him with his other priorities. That priority being finding out what happened to Celementine.
Russian doctor (I got her name! Dr. Zheleznova-Burdukovskaya. Damn that’s long) drops in on Olivia. She’s pissed off with Johann treating her like dirt so is going to tell Olivia everything – and yes, the Doctor, knows all about Upir. She’s not blackmailing, she’s just here to help Olivia, spite Johann and ensure Olivia is in her debt.
Olivia storms to Johann to demand an explanation but he thinks it’s all great – this will make Roman docile and manageable. She is furious and will not be placated by condescension. Johann thinks they should just write off Roman (Olivia: “I don’t kill my children. Any more.”) and focus on the nameless granddaughter. It seems to have some attraction to her.
Olivia visits Roman’s house and tries to get the butler to hand over her granddaughter, he refuses and Roman arrives. He’s not happy to see her as expected – he won’t listen to her, refuses to speak to her and has her thrown out while she gets tearful. But as she leaves the maid has to tell Olivia about Miranda (who she calls “street trash”. Looks like Miranda’s attempts to make friends have not got very far. She’s especially outraged about “the whore” usurping her care role).
Johann isn’t a fool and realises where Olivia must have got her information from and he talks to the doctor, telling her how she’s been watching her. He holds up her old identity, still wanted by Interpol and threatens to turn her over (she’s apparently quite notorious as working for the old Iraqi government). She points out he is actually harbouring a war criminal so he resorts to more conventional violent threats
The masky people are still out there menacing new victims, but after appearing to choose a boy we catch up with one and see him slice his own legs and sit in his car bleeding. The boy who was his victim appears to be unharmed. Ok, these people in Masks are odd odd men.
Norman’s private detective decides to sneak into Olivia’s convalescent home, stealing things she can take genetic samples from
Shelly has her pet kid around who reads aloud from a book – Norman waits outside the rescue her. She makes her goodbyes to the kid when it’s time and heads out. But the kid returns to find his abusive father awake – and Shelly hears him beating the kid. She charges in, breaking down the door and yells, the first word she’s said, “no”. An old woman comes down and the guy grabs a shotgun… and shoots her by mistake. Shelly takes the shotgun and uses it to hit the man – just as a woman comes behind her and hits her in the back with a cleaver. Shelly throws the woman across the room and manages to say sorry to the kid before leaving. She gets in Norman’s van and Norman drives off.
In the house, only the kid is alive and a neighbour comes in to find him alone, playing a computer game.
Norman calls Johann for help, since she’s injured. In the White Tower she continues to talk.
At Destiny’s there’s a huge party full of Roma and Andreus introduces Peter around the room to the many people gathered (most of which are criminal, shady or otherwise dodgy). Andreus tells Peter that they’re his people, his family and one day Peter will come back to them. Miranda arrives and joins the party and lots of fun follows. After a brief reminiscing of Miranda’s own sad life, she and Peter go to bed (can no-one have sex on this show without angst?)
The next morning she tries to leave and runs into Destiny. Two women in the same room – let the hatred commence! (Doctor and Olivia being civil to each other is our limit for this season. Even the maid hates Miranda). She thinks that Miranda is scamming Roman and says so in less than diplomatic terms. Adding that a) Roman is evil shit she doesn’t want to mess with and b) Destiny will happily hurt Miranda forever more if she harms Peter. And basically gives her her marching orders out of town.
Peter wakes up and Destiny basically repeats what she’s done – Peter at least wants to say goodbye. Destiny doesn’t want him to but Andreus hands over his motorbike keys.
Miranda reaches Roman’s and when he asks his “I need to know where you are” questions she tells him she was with Peter and slept with him. She rushes up to feed the baby (taking a wrong door and walking in on two older people having sex –the servants). Miranda decides that it’s time the baby got out to see the world and takes the baby down while Roman is distracted discussing his treatment with Johann. Admittedly I’d be distracted by thick yellow pus running out of my ear as well. She takes the baby to the park – where Olivia sees.
Poor roman, the servants are basking in post-sex afterglow so he has to answer his own door – and be barged aside by Peter looking for Miranda. When Roman grabs his shoulder they fight
Because… I don’t know? Both after Miranda? Unresolved issues? Because they don’t have antlers?
At least they don’t destroy the furniture. Actually, the furniture’s hideous – sadly, they don’t destroy the furniture. At least Peter admits he has no idea why he lashed out like that and they both laugh and pant (you’re both that worn out? Guys you fought for like 3 minutes. Get ye some cardio).
Miranda comes home with the baby which means Peter first realises Letha had a child. One that no-one has bothered to name yet. Miranda decides to name her Nadia. I’d say she’s way out of line choosing to name that child, but no-one else was stepping up. When Miranda takes Nadia back to her room Roman takes the chance to explain to Peter and how desperate he was after Peter ran out on them. Roman had no plan, still doesn’t – he’s just getting by while being completely lost.
I think they’re all friends again. Miranda puts on her sage hat and starts talking some rather high quality philosophical schmaltz – it’s a poem apparently. She praises them both for their weird wonderfulness with some more really powerful but rather comic insight (does anyone talk like this?) And she’s staying. And by “staying” I mean threesome.
Back to the masked guy who cut himself –a load of men in black find him, one of which says he was weak (he was supposed to lose his humanity and gain it again. Whatever that means). The man with the knife seems to be dead – he committed suicide by slashing his legs? Then guy takes a necklace off the body, says “I absolve you” in Latin before they destroy his body and car with a grenade
So we have a big Roma party and there’s one, one person there who isn’t a conman or thief. So lampshaded is it that Peter is even surprised to hear this and asks what else the periodontist does – because surely he must have some kind of criminal side line. This show hits every bad Roma stereotype as hard as it can.
Roman is toning down the arseholery. The problem with that is, like the rape in the first season, the likelihood is that his past behaviour is just going to be swept under the rug. Again.
Can Miranda have a role that isn’t sex object or milk dispenser? This is the sixth episode and that is the full totality of who she is. Destiny can also use a role or two. Beyond “I see bad things, DANGER DANGER!” a person rather than an ominous warning would be nice.
I’m here for Shelly. More Shelly.