Thursday, March 22, 2012

Cover Snark: Beware Vampires, we have cleavage!

So, let us consider the essential tools that a woman needs to face off the worst that the supernatural world has to throw at her. After all, she could end up facing werewolves, vampires, zombies, witches even the denizens of hell itself. Against such a force, she must pack devastating weaponry

And by devastating weaponry, I mean cleavage. Yes, going into battle, it’s time for the breaststststs to be front and centre!




Naturally, when in dangerous situations, it’s important that one’s main weapons (the boobies) are easily accessible. Behold this outfit that Mercy Thomas is (almost) wearing - why, one loose slip knot and she’s away, breasts deployed to maximum effectiveness. Of course, people who have read the books would question why Mercy would ever wear this kind of outfit - it’s a vast leap from the clothes she wears in the book.






Now, here we see the advantages of living in a supernatural world - because you can rely on magic to hold one’s breasts in place. Because, wearing that outfit, there’s no way that Jane Yellowrock up there is going to manage to keep her breasts from falling out when fighting for her life against vampires. In fact, I’d be impressed if she can keep the girls in place just walking down the street.


Of course, when you actually read any of these books, it becomes only more farcical. There is no way that Jane Yellowrock’s armoured leathers which are repeatedly described are fitted to expose that much chest. if they were she would have had her throat ripped out several times over. Similarly, I cannot imagine Mary Thomas ever wearing a mid-riff top, 3 sizes too small for her, held together by a knot. Overalls, jeans and t-shirts seem far more likely and in keeping with who she is. Both of these portrayals are completely out of character and I can only imagine how hard it is for an author to see their brilliant characters reduced to this, breasts out, on the cover.

Now, these clothes aren’t always inappropriate:






This is Camille. And it’s somewhat ironic that she seems to be displaying less cleavage than the 
previous two, because this is actually in character. Camille likes to make a display of her d├ęcolletage, she wears corsets and low cut tops. And while, storywise, I sometimes question whether her clothing is appropriate for the situation (such as tramping through forests), it is in character for her. She dresses like this because she wants to, because it’s her style, because she likes the aesthetic and, ultimately, because it’s her choice. Here we have the boobies deployed appropriately - rather than taking a character and deciding to remove half her clothes for cover titillation when she would never dress like that in the actual books.