We’re in the future again – 3 years in the future where Caroline is in charge of a TV show in Dallas and she also has a fiancé who wants to go on a trip to Mystic Falls despite it being off limit.
Back to the present and teenagers have found out that the town of Mystic Falls is off limits so of course they’re going to investigate. Survival of the Fittest at its finest. Nom nom nom. And Matt decides to go rescue them.
And doesn’t die. Damn it! What does this man have to do to get killed already?! Even Tom Mason would be dead by now!
Alaric is still lecturing people about the occult, both denying that there’s anything scary and Mystic Falls (he understands teenagers) and, hilariously, him accounting tales of vampires et al (which totally aren’t real) to people’s fear of death
Bonnie and Alaric both confirm that hanging bit “keep out” signs is not actually keeping people out of the town of death and teenagers attempting to get ghost selfies are dying in high numbers. They also talk about Alaric seeing psychics and how she understands – but also is a little hurt he didn’t turn to her. He also wants to talk about something called the Phoenix Stone
Let me say this now – if they find a resurrection stone and then finally kill Matt AND BRING HIM BACK I will go on a rampage the like of which this world has never seen (probably due to being unimpressively lazy and whiny, but still).
He apparently has the rock which he happened to pick up in a museum. After some woo-woo she gets horrific images off the stone – the stone is evil naughtybadwrong. Bonnie tells him to leave it alone and destroy it.
Stefan gets ambushed by Bo and Lily while he’s patrolling Mystic Falls trying to keep humans out. They confront him about Malcolm being killed. Stefan protests he knows nothing because he has the single Salvatore brain cell right now. That is why they have kidnapped Caroline with the help of Enzo who is now tying up Caroline with vervain ropes. He underestimates her which is unwise but she can’t get past the witchpires
Stefan goes to confront his naughty brother (who makes, admittedly, a pretty funny joke about killing Jeremy) about actions having consequences. Damon is duly shocked by this, of course.
So Damon goes to see Lily about how he killed one of her precious vampires but she doesn’t believe that Damon killed Malcolm alone because Witchpires are awesome. She also calls Malcolm her son which is more than she does for Damon and Stefan and Damon can’t enter the house any more because she now owns it. They also don’t want Damon as a hostage so he doesn’t get to exchange himself for Caroline.
So it’s back to Stefan to snark back and forth and make a plan to save Caroline. Damon is quite jolly because having a nemesis gives him something to do – though Stefan does point out that Damon is bad the bad guy here (again).
Caroline is now hanging from the rafters and pressed by to give Nora and Mary-Louise fashion advice (we get some side hints about how the heretics were treated by their families – it’s definitely not well) and be tortured. Enzo feels super guilty about this and Valerie advises him to play family politics and to stop caring about people. Been there, done that, turned off the humanity.
Valerie goes to Caroline and helps her because she hates Nora and Mary-Louise and she curses Caroline’s skin to make it burn Mary Louise.
Damon tells Bonnie about Caroline and Bonnie promptly gets guilty even as Damon assures her everyone thinks it’s all his fault (and that it’s totally in character for him). Anyway, it turns out that the machinations of the Witchpires was to have Matt own the Salvatore house – yet they used lots of compulsion to transfer the deeds into his name which means it is no vampire proof unless Matt dies (YAY!) or invites them in (nah, let’s go with die). Or gives the house to someone else
Actually as far as fortress plans go, this is pretty useless. In fact by transferring ownership and not inviting the Witchpires in they could drive them out of the house.
Of course rather than have Matt transfer the property he owns they go for resetting his heart and making him magically temporarily dead. So Matt is woo-wooed to almost dead – except across town Alaric is preparing to destroy the evil rock and it sends Bonnie some more distracting visions, knocking her unconscious so she can’t use CPR/magic on Matt. Sadly she wakes up before he dies
Matt decides it’s all Damon’s fault and refuses to blame Bonnie but she confesses that she was in the whole Malcolm killing plan as well. Matt also hates the witchpires and now seems to be on team murder.
While Lily decides to bury Malcolm in the Salvatore family crypt – and intends to dump Elena’s body in the river as Damon distracts Enzo. Of course Damon decides to go and try and rescue Elena’s body to run into Lily who tells him the body has been cloaked. She decides to taunt him with what abusive parents she and his father were.
The witchpires all confront him with what Malcolm means to them and he asks them what he wants.
This lets Stefan go in and rescue Caroline but she has that burny-Vervain skin. And then woo-woo nearly drags her out of the building – they’ve transferred the house to someone else after Matt died (which is more sensible but this is not how the legal transfer of real estate works)
Caroline isn’t rescued and Stefan asks Damon what happened – Damon has agreed to leave town for good at Lily’s demand
So… do it? I mean what is keeping you in town until Elena actually wakes up in 60 years?
They decide this is all a plot by Lily to make them hate each other – but they decide not to and to just pretend they hate each other. While Stefan whines to Lily about how terribad Damon is, Damon is going to go find the elusive 6th witchpire who is out there somewhere. Because Damon loves launching himself at vastly more powerful monsters.
And Alaric lies to Bonnie about destroying the stone. Of course he hasn’t. Instead he places it on a random body in the morgue and it does resurrect him briefly while the stone is still touching his skin.
Enzo tells Lily he doesn’t want to be one of her kids – because he looooves her and not as a parent
Finally Nora gives Caroline Stefan’s journal that Valerie has been carrying around.- apparently Stefan and Valerie had a thing back in the day.
Back to the future where we learn that Caroline’s fiancé is not Stefan – and both her and her assistant get shot
So Elena is gone and now everyone else has to emulate her ridiculous plans. This season is two episodes in and already they have eclipsed the foolishness that has gone before
Trying to bomb the witchpires? Made no sense at all
Evacuating Mystic Falls? Made no sense at all
Killing Malcolm without ANY plans for retaliation? Made no sense at all
Transferring the house into one of their ENEMIES’ names? Made no sense at all!
Deciding the only solution to this is to temporarily kill Matt? (rather than permnantly killing him) MADE NO SENSE AT ALL!