Saturday, November 7, 2015

Vampire Diaries, Season 7, Episode 5: Live Through This

Another jump to the future – 3 years from now with Bonnie expressing some major regret in what looks like a support group. She goes home to find Enzo – and greets him with a passionate kiss. Ok, Bonnie this is a bad plan. Didn’t we just discuss bad decisions

And back to the present with Alaric and his newly raised zombie-wife Joe (hey here’s one of Bonnie’s many many bad mistakes). She wants to do research to see if she’s just set off The Walking Dead. Joe wakes up hungry FOR BRAINS! She’s starve in Mystic Falls.

It seems Joe has forgotten just about everything including what a television is and that she is a vegetarian.

Caroline and Stefan are being all lovey dovey and I have to give points to Caroline being characterised enough and Stefan knowing her well enough to recognise how lying around doing nothing is Caroline’s idea of hell. Stefan interrupts everything to be annoying and he wants to drag Stefan to interview Valerie, of course

Which creates Issues with Caroline. Poor poor Stefan.

At chez Witchpire Oscar is guzzling food and Lily is all enthusiastic about Julian arriving. Enzo is not. Nora and Mary-Louise are also concerned that the bright and funny Oscar is looking so grim. Lily et al go out looking for Julian which worries Valerie who already has a head start looking for him (Enzo sends a warning). She’s more delayed by Stefan and Damon turning up and wanting to know why Valerie wanted to kill Oscar. There’s a brief moment where she tortures Damon (funsies) before Stefan arrives and we have dramangst. Can we go back to the torture?

So Valerie recaps them on Julian being evil (do I laugh or cry at how Damon points out that Stefan’s death count is just as huge) and needing to be stopped while Damon merrily pokes everyone’s sore spots. Damon is the most evil of big brothers. We keep getting more Caroline and Stefan angst over Valerie. Oh, honestly, why why why am I being subjected to this?

Bonnie and Caroline catch up noticing how little love life Bonnie has before talking about Caroline and Stefan’s issues and Caroline’s decision to force Stefan to meet with his ex.  Bonnie goes to see Enzo who accurately sums up her European holiday as “following Damon around with spare bottles of bourbon” which is just sad. Bonnie is there to speak to Oscar not exchange taunts with Enzo – though that’s always fun.

Instead they find Oscar trying to eat the help (which is rude). Oscar is consumed with hunger and he talks about Bonnie rescuing from the evil Phoenix Stone.

Back to the passive aggressive road trip - Valerie mentions that Julian is apparently dead and has been for some time – they’re off to burn his body. To no-one’s surprise, Valerie is the one who killed him while Stefan and Valerie snipe at each other. Oscar, however, hid the body in a room full of coffins. Extra surprise – Lily knows Julian was dead and wants to use the phoenix stone to bring him back – yes, what a coincidence. Of course Valerie knows they have the stone – she also adds a lot more info: the Phoenix stone is full of captured vampire souls. It doesn’t raise someone from the dead, it places one of those dead souls into a body.

Damn, who knew there’d be consequences to using Dark Artefacts without research?!

Damon calls Bonnie what the Phoenix Stone actually does – and has done to Oscar and Rick. Dumping giving the bad news to Bonnie (Bonnie: you owe me. Really, at this point everyone owes Bonnie so much it resembled national debt).

Which is when evil Oscar attacks them and is shocked because he’s a witchpire when before he was just a conventional vampire. Enzo and Bonnie run. Bonnie then manipulates Enzo by telling him that what the stone is (the key to Lily’s lost love) and then uses him as a distraction for her to leave while Fake!Oscar focuses on Enzo. Thankfully that obsession means he’s distracted enough for Enzo to stake him

Valerie and Stefan decide to delve into their issues some more. I continue not to care. And Valerie has trouble burning Julian’s body – because Nora and Mary-Louise have shown up to stop her – along with Lily and Bo. Valerie says Julian is a monster and Lily slaps her – Stefan and Damon step in and Lily insists that Julian is the wonderful love of her life.

Valerie decides to incite the Salvatores by revealing it was Lily’s idea to put Elena in a coma – and Damon predictably attacks (and tries to… strangle Lily? Really? Really really?) which fails because Witchpire Bo.

They wake up with just the brothers – and Stefan keeps trying to invoke motherhood to stop Damon trying to kill Lily. Yeah that’s not going to sell. He then rescues Valerie for more angst – and she tells him she was pregnant with Stefan’s child and that Julian beat her until she lost it.

Lily returns home and Enzo, now with the stone and she talk. She’s super happy to have the stone of souls back but Enzo demands she thinks – why would Valerie be so against Julian returning. That means appealing to logic so naturally fails. Instead he decides to appeal to love triangle – of course he does. Lily choses Julian and Enzo leaves.

And Bonnie calls Alaric to tell him that Jo isn’t Jo. Alaric obviously goes into full denial and goes after the woman he insists is his wife. Thankfully the soul in Jo’s body isn’t that murderous and is more confused and lost. He agrees that she’s not Jo – but that now means they have to figure out who she is. Alaric has decided to help her find out and not because he’s in total denial and being super clingy about the woman who looks like his dead wife.

Stefan reassures Caroline while ignoring the fact he and Valerie are alone together. Valerie still wants to keep what happened to her completely secret from Lily. Stefan assures Valerie they will keep the stone from Lily

Which is a problem because Lily has it and is even now casting the evil resurrection spell with Mary-Lou and Bo. He is alive aghain.

While Damon is planning super-duper vengeance of killing Julian in front of her. Bonnie’s quite happy with this.

I said Bonnie makes many many bad mistakes. But that’s unfair – she makes one mistake repeatedly: doing what other people ask her to even when she knows better. And spending her holidays following vampires around with booze.

Really every single time Bonnie has said something is a bad idea she’s been right. But she still does it over and over.

Damon is a mean mean mean big brother. I like it.

Words cannot describe how little I care about the Caroline/Bonnie/Stefan triangle. So much relationship drama. And now Enzo/Lily/Julian? Seriously we need a whole new language to describe how little the endless love triangles appeal

I would say why is no-one trying to point out Julian is a monster – but really that’s just Vampire Diaries. How can just about any of these characters condemn the others as monsters when they’re all monsters? Monsters has long since failed to become a barrier to being a love interest or a reason to end a relationship or a reason not to support your friend being in a relationship with one.