Pass me my booze, I’m going in!
Tyler wakes up to find a woman kissing her way across his naked chest – it seems the Traveller possessing him has been using him as a sexy toy which is all kinds of nasty and rapey – but seeing his chance to escape, Tyler pretends to be Julian. Maria, the woman enjoying him, reveals they’re moving to the last camp because Markos is going to kidnap the dopplegangers that day. Tyler decides to hurry up his escape plans – and shifts.
Back at Casa Salvatore, Luke is failing to cast a locator spell for Damon (are we even sure he’s a witch? I mean, last week he was kidnapped by teenaged athletes with no magical power and now he’s been casting a spell long enough for Damon to get impatient – admittedly not the longest unit of time in the world – and it’s not working.) Of course it may not be working because Damon is trying to get Luke to find Enzo who is unfindable on account of being dead.
(Hey, someone remind me why Luke is doing any magic for Damon again? Any reasons? No? +1 drink).
Stefan does a terrible job of convincing Damon that they can all just ignore the humanity-less vampire on a revenge kick (not the easiest of cases to make) when Tyler shows up and expositions some more – apparently the Travellers can break witch magic! And cure vampirism – of course vampirism is actually a way of animating a corpse, so “curing” it doesn’t give you a living breathing human – it gives you a dying human. Sloane is now dead. Still they can break witch magic.
So find Markos and kill him. Luke, fire up your locator spell – alas he can’t for Reasons (no, really, are we sure he’s a witch? Has he actually done any magic?) Plan B is to leave Tyler to figure out a way to find Markos using Julian who is still possessing him while Damon takes Elena and Stefan to a secret location (Caroline’s father’s cabin which he apparently had) so Luke can finally prove his mojo and mask them both from Traveller finder magic.
Of you could just hand Elena and Stefan over, let them have Mystic falls and move to, say, Florence? No? Probably not since Markos wants to break his little Traveller curse by destroying all witch magic – which technically includes vampires.
Anyway this is going to be super-duper unfun because Elena and Damon are all mopey at each other and Stefan murdered Damon’s murderous best friend and then lied about it so AWKWARD! And Caroline realises they don’t need inviting in because her dad is all dead and stuff (she belatedly realises this is a sad thing). Stefan, despite being centuries old and hiding the fact he’s an immortal killer all that time, is utterly incapable of keeping a secret or not looking super guilty when trying to do so. Really, it’s amazing he doesn’t go through crowded places yelling he’s a vampire.
They’re also joined by Enzo’s ghost – because we definitely need this unnecessary side character to hang around even longer! Damon and Elena have an angst angst mope mope mope drifting back together moment (just fill a glass).
Meanwhile, Bonnie and Jeremy are enjoying some alone time – but Jeremy’s still worrying about the Other Side collapsing and Bonnie dying. Her tactic to deal with this is to lie to him about Liv having a solution and pretend it isn’t happening. Of course that could be because she’s eager for Jeremy to get on with things. Then Tyler sends a text letting Jeremy know he’s back. Tyler, Bonnie is probably going to hurt you for that. At least when she’s alone Bonnie’s grandmother pops in to ask for more details on this super-special cure that doesn’t actually exist and to make it clear how it’s falling apart, she actually knocks a lamp over. Of course the reason for this intervention isn’t “Bonnie you need to find a cure to save you and me!” but “you must tell that poor boy, oh how sad, he deserves better than false hope” Yeah, I’ll get another bottle.
That same ability to affect the living world also applies to Enzo’s angry spirit. Damon is preparing drinks (this cast can’t be sober for 10 seconds) and Caroline is all passive aggressive and angsty and Elena and Stefan being secretive - which she puts down to them getting back together and is put out about despite the fact she was pushing for it not long ago and she actually hated Damon and Elena together.
Back to Bonnie who complains that her idea of a romantic day didn’t include her, Jeremy and 2 other guys (Bonnie, those guys are Matt and Tyler. Your romantic day including all 3 of these guys is not something to complain about!). They’re chaining Tyler up (Oh Bonnie and you’re complaining?) when Jeremy arrives with a concoction of wolfsbane and vervain which he considers to be the dumbest idea either of them have had (oh, Jeremy, I seriously doubt that). Bonnie decides she doesn’t want to watch the three guys engage in kinky S&M and bondage (Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie you need to expand your horizons a little). Using the little magic word Matt remembers from his own time being Traveller possessed, they bring Julian out, ask him where Markos is and make him drink the mixture when he decides not to answer.
Torture breaks Julian into saying he doesn’t know where Markos is – but he knows where his real body is which they’ll want to sort because Markos will be using it to make Tyler’s body Julian’s new body permanently as some kind of clean up method.
Markos is not a happy leader, he yells at Maria for not realising Julian (her husband) wasn’t in control and then yells at everyone else for not doing the mass-chanty thing.
Over to the cabin where Luke is either casting his spell or staring into space to disassociate himself from what is happening inside – which is 4 vampires playing charades. Then on to “Never have I ever” which turns into the most passive aggressive game ever when Caroline tries to use it to get a confession from Elena about kissing Stefan. Damon gets in on that game to ask about Enzo.
No-one answers the awkward questions and Elena gets in the bath, watched by ghostly Enzo, who then holds her head under the water. Do you know what is really not scary? Trying to drown a vampire. Damon hurries to rescue her but the only ghost he can think of being around is the ghost of Caroline’s dad who doesn’t really have any reason for trying to kill Elena (unless his personal Hell is having to watch all of her awful decisions).
She tearfully confesses to Damon, who goes downstairs to catch the tail end of Stefan telling Caroline because she overheard him asking Bonnie whether Other Side ghosties can affect the real world. Anyway, Enzo isn’t the biggest fool in the world, he didn’t want to kill Elena, he worked on the assumption that Elena in anything resembling peril would quickly attract everyone’s attention (+1 drink) and give him time to remove Luke – who is now missing. Which means (assuming he was actually a witch and not faking) the Travellers can now find the dopplegangers and kill Stefan and Elena (yay! I mean… bad. Very bad. Yes, that would be sad and tragic.)
In light of this terrible and scary outcome, Caroline and Elena decide it’s vitally important to… argue about Caroline assuming Elena and Stefan were together again (ah, Vampire Diaries priorities.) Stefan and Damon have their own argument and Damon is… confusingly angry that he didn’t know Enzo was dead before anyone else? Does he think they have a psychic bond? Anyway, Damon wants to know exactly what Stefan thought he’d do – go on a killing rampage (um… yeah? Don’t act so shocked, it’s not like Damon doesn’t have a track record of killing rampages here!) but, no, Stefan is far more concerned that his brother would hate him (sibling angst > killing rampage).
They find Luke unconscious and tied up in a woodshed (no, really, are we SURE Luke is a witch?). A woodshed full of wood, made of wood and with some spilled flammable liquid – to which Enzo adds a spark. Enzo then closes the door and impales Stefan through the chest (not the heart) with wood. He also impales Damon with a wooden log and Damon bargains – he will find a way to bring Enzo back like Bonnie and Markos – and stop Enzo disappearing when the Other Side does. Stefan manages to free himself and Damon tells him to save Luke so Luke can continue to hide Elena and him. Enzo lets them all go.
Back in the cabin, Luke reflects that he and Liv should probably have killed Stefan and Elena. I quite agree – and it’s not too late! Stefan assumes Damon was lying about helping Enzo but Damon doesn’t really like the idea of an angry ghost haunting them and Damon punches Stefan for Enzo – just one punch and that’s it, he considers it settled. Elena is not impressed
Stefan flirts with Caroline a bit and why Stefan kept the whole Enzo murder secret from Caroline (he didn’t want her to think less of him. Please, like the gazillion bodies Stefan has already left in his wake have upset her?). Stefan also has a weird ghosty moment. Elena and Damon do their thing, in which Damon points out that he hasn’t gone on rage filled massacre spree over Enzo’s death because of Elena… And not being around her is hard and being around her is hard and Elena is confused (doesn’t take much) and, they kiss. Refill the glass folks.
Then Elena gets the witchy headache of doom because while she, Damon, Stefan and Caroline have been dealing with their angst, the Travellers have found them. Aaaaaargh!
Bonnie and Jeremy find the cave where the Traveller’s stash their bodies (Jeremy tries to cast this as romantic. Jeremy, Bonnie wasn’t moved by the idea of you, Matt and Tyler at the same time – there’s no way you’re going to sell her on the merits of romantic spelunking) and the cave is really really really full of Traveller bodies (AXE TIME!? No?) Maria and some Travellers arrive before they can find Julian and chant Jeremy into suffocation – giving them chance to run off with Julian’s body
Hey, you’ve got vampire friends, they could come join you rampaging through unconscious Travellers. Bonnie responds by holding him and yelling “stop”.
Having failed to retrieve the body, the Travellers can now cast the spell on it to make the possession permanent (all the more reason to axe murder those in the cave). Tyler becomes Julian
Oh Vampire Diaries, whenever the afterlife, magic and their very existence is in peril, you can always rely on Elena, Stefan, Caroline and Damon to make time for their relationship issues.
I still want some evidence that Luke is a witch, because so far I’m not seeing it. He’s also racking up a fair few rescues for his very very short and small involvement on the show.
Is Damon’s little speech to Elena to indicate he is over his issues or confirming them? I mean, part of the reason why they broke up, among many, was that he is so emotionally invested in her that she’s the only thing stopping him going on a killing rampage, therefore making their relationship dangerously co-dependent. Which he’s just confirmed… again.